Two Steps Up the Ladder

"We're promoting you to..."

Got accelerated so I skipped a year of work as a Research Executive 1. Effective July 1, I am a Research Executive 2 and promotable to Senior Research Executive next year.

I can tell you that walking out of the conference room after getting the news without doing a petite allegro combination (pas de chat to pas be bourree, sissones in arabesque...) was a real challenge.

Thank You, thank You God!!!

Dear all at home in Pangasinan, you gotta let me take you guys out to dinner now!

I am excited. I am grateful. I am utterly terrified! But as I'm learning ever so slowly, Fear doesn't have to be my enemy.

Bursting at the seams

Lots of blessings in my life and the life of those I love lately:

• Family is safe and healthy and our home is intact after a terrible storm ripped through my home province. Still there is no electricity and water in some areas and a lot of other people have yet to recover their losses so do pray for them. Mom, really, you gotta stop worrying about the prime beef. I really just want to see you and don't care if I don't get another beef and broccoli dish there.
• Cousin Stein will be done with his PhD soon! And wedding bells may toll soon for him and Melissa... AWESOME!
• The amazing career oppurtunities I've had lately that have given me a renewed interest and passion for the industry I work in. I'm not in the dead end I thought I was in. God's reassurance for this doubter that He knows where He's leading me. The tricky part is whether I follow or not. =P
• Evaluation today. A step up the ladder. The bottom of the bottom of the food chain I am not. Bottom of the food chain na lang. I've paid my dues. Now there's someone else I can ask to proofread and translate. Oh, oh, oh! CODE PLANS be gone!
• Starting to gel with roommates! Never thought that was possible but God has a way of turning things around. Duh.
• Yams-skies is IN! I know that the journey has been hard for you dear but I know you're looking back now and thinking of how fruitful it has been. Aja!
• C is... He just is. Hahaha.

Thank You Father.

Forget Post-it (TM)

Things I absolutely adore and need for my office space and my living space (wherever that may be in the next two months) but will most probably only look at every now and then to remind myself that I am not rich and earning dollars. :(

The life organizer. Sometimes bad things happen to organized people. Be prepared for disasters, both major and minor, with the Life.doc Organizing Binder from Buttoned Up. The Life.doc Binder has eight sections including: Family Basics, Insurance, Legal, Caregiver Information (won't be needing this for a while though), In Sickness & Health (oh, this I do need!), Dollars & Sense (probably what I need most), Emergency Plan and Home Sweet Home

These? Because maybe it will make me feel better about all the files on projects I have...

And this kind of office space except in blue and purple. But since when did corporate slaves have spaces like this? :(

misty eyed

I don't think I'll forget the image of our dear Pastor Bel Magalit raise his hands to heaven, look up with tears in his eyes and saying in a broken voice "I cannot understand how a loving God can allow this to happen"

And then lower his hand and bow his head and say "But I know that He is just"

And so much more...

Amen.

Christ have mercy

The bombings in India...

The typhoon in Burma...

The earthquake in China...

Thousands dead, thousands more missing.

30 things guys should know about girls

Stolen from Angela who stole it from… who cares? The GUY (emphasis intentional) who wrote says he has a lot of experience… again who cares? But I read through it and most of it is GOOD stuff! Fave’s are in blue, comments in violet

1. Whatever you do, don't just show up at their house...they run around in their underwear just like we do

2. DON'T CHEAT ON THEM. It may seem foolproof, but girls tell each other everything about everything. Trust me, they WILL find out and you will be mud. [And do not deny when you are confronted. Coming out or confessing is the better option here]

3. Beware of every single male relative and all guy friends. Any of them would kick your ass at the drop of a hat, and a lot of them wouldn't even wait for the damn hat. [hahaha...]

4. Never miss an opportunity to tell them they're beautiful.

5. Don't refuse to kiss in front of your friends. If they laugh at you, it's because they're jealous.

6. If they slap you hard, you deserved it.

7. Don't be afraid to touch them if you want to. If they're going out with you in the first place, it's because they like being in your arms.

8. If you don't sleep with them, do not tell your friends that you did.

8.5 If you DO sleep with them, don't tell your friends that you did.

9. You can be dirty minded in private, really...most of them are not offended by it...

10. Not all of them eat like birds, a lot of them can eat like whales.

11. Most of them don't mind paying half of everything, but they do discuss these things with their friends. Realize that if you make your girlfriend pay half all the time, everyone will know about it and your friends will know you're a pussy…

11.5 Do you honestly need all your money that much? Be a man, pay all the time!

12. Every girl should eventually get three things from her boyfriend- a stuffed animal, one of his sweatshirts, and a really pretty ring. Even if it's not a serious relationship. [doesn’t have to be a sweatshirt and doesn't have to be a ring]

13. Make sure she gets home safely as often as you can. If you're dropping her off, walk her to the door. If you aren't dropping her off, call to be sure she's home safely. [to be honest, I didn’t know I wanted (neigh, utterly adored) this until someone actually did this for me]

14. If a guy is bothering her, it is your right to beat the shit out of him [even if we believe in nonviolence, we would love to watch]

15. If you're talking to a female friend of yours, pull your girlfriend closer.

16. Never, ever slap her, even if it's just in a joking way. Even if she swats you first, and says, "Oh, you're so dumb" or something, never make any gestures back.

17. Go to a chick flick once in a while. She doesn't care whether you enjoy it or not, it just matters that you went.

18. You're dead meat if you can't get along with their pets, parents, and best friends. Be prince charming to their friends, Mr. Polite to their parents, and make sure to be nice to their animals.

19. Don't flirt with their moms… That's just freaky.

20. Don't be freaked out by PMS. It's not gross, and it really does make them feel like CRAP, so be understanding.

21. If you don't like the way they drive, you do it.

22. If you're officially dating, and you're introducing her to your friends, you'd better damn well introduce her as your girlfriend.

23. Don't stress where you go for every date. They REALLY only want to be with you.

24. If they complain that something hurts, rub it for them without being asked.

25. Girls are fragile. Even if you're play fighting/wrestling, be very gentle.

26. Memorize their birthdays. You forget her birthday and you're basically screwed for life.

27. Don't marinade the cologne, but smell good.

28. Don't give her something stupid for her birthday or Christmas or Valentine's day. It doesn't have to be expensive, but it has to be meaningful. Jewelry is always nice.

29. If you think the relationship isn't going to last, don't wait to find out. It will only hurt you more if you draw it out.

30. After you've been dating for a while, realize that they really have started to trust you. When you have a girlfriend who truly trusts you, you have a lot more responsibility, privilege and control than you would think. Be careful with it, most guys would kill for that kind of power, and it can be lost in a nanosecond

Keeel me now

So Joy showed me her awesome (read Fi-erce!) pictures taken when their church went to the 100 Islands...

And I found myself utterly jealous and miserable. Dude, that amazing place is in MY province! And I've been there twice but never really taken pictures like that and never had THAT MUCH fun.

Why why why? *Bawls*

Hopscotch

Back and forth we go

Trying to stay at square one

With our pennies already on the other side

Hop hop

We laugh

Then another hop back

As I hide my sad smile

Forbidden Expectations

For a movie with Jet Li and Jackie chan, Forbidden Kingdom's plot runs too shallow. Don't expect the storyline, cinematography and music of Hero. The fight scenes are good but at after some times, they begin to wear thin on you. I liked one scene though.

Chan pours and keeps pouring tea into the main character's cup (yeah, can you believe that Chan and Li have only supporting roles int his movie?!) until it overflows. Chan asks lead character Jason (who's so full of himself), "How can you fill your cup when it is already full?" Unfortunately, the meaning was lost on Jason who proceeds to throw his tea. Hahaha...

It's a recurring lesson in my life: You can hold onto your full cup or you can trust and allow it to empty in order to see God do "immeasureably more than you can ever ask or imagine"

Project LIFE Timelines

13 days - until Payday *drools*

5 days - until you know you love me, XOXO Gossip Girl resumes *screams*

2 days - until I move into a new home *frowns*

5.5 hours - until the water supply to our village is cut off for some pipe construction along Shaw *bawls*

2.5 hours - until we meet *smiles*

1 hour - until I'm out of here (office) *woot!*

**Timelines assume that the world is not messing with me.

Surround Me

The people who work at Penshoppe Megamall must think I'm crazy. I love hanging out there. I just stand there in the middle of there store, soaking in One Republic's "Too Late to Apologize" picking out the violins, the piano, and what sounds like a drum but in the music video the guy is beating the top of an electric piano. Speaking of music video, I am hypnotized by the rotating table...

Give me my numbers!

Must say lunch is always something to look forward to. A toast to us ladies for creating sacred lunch hour.

Anyway, today was interesting. Spent a good part of my afternoon and evening figuring out formulas on this template of ours (among other things)... I tell you now folks, I am no math whiz, but I rather miss the days of college when figures swarmed in your head like busy bees. At least I knew brain cells were still alive and kicking. Most days now, I feel like they have gone into hibernation. Today, after initial panic, I embraced the stress if only to know brain was alive.

Last night was even better. *Wink* Tip: At 7Pm on weekdays, head for McDonalds El Pueblo if you're in the Ortigas CBD. All Starbucks outlets are insanely crowded and if you need to have some quality time with someone, McDonalds El Pueblo with their amazing music mix is the place.

Ich liebe dich

Mcdonalds Pearl Drive, when will you open your doors and let us have some of your wonderful fries and fantastic sundaes?

Work news: The boat is sinking BUT I can't jump off it until I get the whole 12 months and a bonus. Panic level at an all-time high but I can't let it get the better of me. Not now when I'm on my 12th month.

Home news: DUDE! It is incredibly difficult to find decent (read as affordable, near my office and ACed) housing. Just the thought of walking the entire San Miguel Ave, not to mention jepp and tricycle ride before walk... Argh! Brain is soup. So if anyone is looking for a place to live in Ortigas or is looking for a housemate (I can clean!!! I'm neat!!!), give me a buzz.

LL news: Uhhh... I realized I need some Expectations Management. Did some work in that area. So last Sunday was good. Had it's share of weird moments (Samahan kita tumingin ng swimsuit) but overall it was some good hanging out.

I feel...

...like I was run over by a garbage truck

...angry, disappointed, frustrated. Talo ko pa ang isang Psych graduate sa galing ko sa pagprobe kahapon na ala In Depth Interview pero wala akong napala. He was the perfect example of the worst kind of respondent to have in a research study.

...sad. Sad for me. Sad for him. Sad for my parents. Sad for my mentors. Sad for my friends. I don't even know how to answer my parents.

...angry at myself because here I am YET AGAIN giving more than I am given, willing to risk my neck while the other person pulls the cord that operates the guillotine, still trying my very best to be a good person and a good friend even if I want to hit him, feeling bad that he's probably feeling bad right now, ang knowing that I may not have the willpower to walk away if he took but one little step towards me.

...grateful for all those who have tried to keep me sane, who've poured out wisdom, who've prayed are are still praying, who have hurt for me, who have gently rebuked me, who basically stick by me and give me hugs and boinkies

...that God will teach me a lot through this but right now, He knows I need to grieve

Circus Freak

"So... Yeah, I thought it would be cool to grow a beard. A girl with a beard! Now that's different! But I won't just stop there. I thought, a beard of scars trumps a beard of hair. So here it is folks!"

Sigh. Third month of acne therapy is the dumps. Absolute dumps.

Sweet!

I'm incredibly happy... and excited.

And terrified. Hahaha...

Didn't think you'd hear that from me eh? But new things are always scary things I am told so I take comfort in the reassurance I'm normal. What I love most about this is how awesome (and painfully humbling) it is to get hit over the head by the "far more abundantly than all we can ever ask or think" line. God is chuckling at this all. And He's not the only one having fun.

And so it begins...

"There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken... The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the DANGERS and PERTURBATIONS of love is Hell." -- CS Lewis; The Four Loves

Hurrah!

I bought a pair of jeans yesterday, enough reason for my close friends to celebrate. They're been gently telling me my jeans no longer fit properly. I gave away all my "thin clothes" in a fit of depression over my battle with my weight long ago. So now I've tasted some victory, I have to buy new thin clothes.

But what a victory! I walked into the shop, spotted a good style of jeans and grabbed the medium to try on. I actually laughed in the dressing room! The medium didn't fit well! I asked for the small and that fit just right... WOW! It's been what?! 8 years!!! EIGHT years since I wore a small size!!!

Freak out! Hahaha... Thank You God, clients, vegetables, fruits, and the weighing scale! Now to celebrate with some Kit Kat Cafe Latte! Hahaha...

PS Don't worry, I'm not after skinny. I'm after healthy. Hehehe...

New Book!

I spent a whee portion of my Valentines gift (or so I've come to call my latest salary) on this book. It cam highly recommended and I finally own my own copy to read, highlight and reread like crazy.

Lovely cover eh? LOVELIER CONTENT! Sample:

"It was a rimy morning and very damp. I had seen the damp lying outside my little window, as if some goblin had been crying there all night, and using the window as a pocket handkerchief."

See? What an image! I am quite aware this screams LIT GEEK all the way but I don't care --- I AM UNASHAMED!

A joint review by me and joy is in the works.

On Money, More Chocolates and Michelle Obama

Okay, I threw in Michelle Obama just for fun. Hahaha... But I have to say I feel that she's more "authentic" than Hilary Clinton.

I told God and a couple other people that all I wanted today was for my paycheck to come through. And it did, so I'm happy and it's St Valentines Day, so I guess it's a happy Valentines Day for me.

The M&Ms Dark Chocolate is dogging me every night. It's comfort food already. But I'm trying to steer away from that and steer towards a better source. It's been an uphill climb but the weighing scale needle is staying steady so HURRAH for that.

"Broke up" with someone yesterday. Always sad stuff but in this case it's balanced by this odd feeling that some things really have to break in order for other things to heal. I can't find a sliver of guilt in me which is scary to not find. Screams PRIDE all the way. So hopefully, I can get around to repenting for that. But I can find a strong feeling of knowing that I've given it all I had and that I can't take a step anymore and that even if I did, that faltering step would be meaningless.

I'm no poster child for Christianity. But I realized yesterday that you can take a lot of stuff/people from me... and I believe I will be okay/happy/joyful somehow and somewhere later down the road. As long as you don't take Jesus from me. So good thing that nothing can separate me from His love. These are things that are easy to say when life is good. But I've been through bad patches and I'm still here because of Jesus. And that gives me hope for any bad patches I'll run into.

Pyrolympics 2008

World Pyro Olympics 2008 Schedule

Start: Feb 16, 2008 6:00pm
End: Mar 15, 2008
Location: Bay Area of Mall of Asia,
Pasay City

The skies of Manila will once again
glitter as the La Mancha Group of
Companies bring you the 3rd World Pyro
Olympics 2008. This year’s edition of
the fireworks competition in Manila will
showcase what is considered to be the
world’s best when it comes to Fireworks
craftsmanship and artistry.

The 2008 World Pyro Olympics Fireworks
Competition will be held at the Bay Area
of Mall of Asia, Pasay City, Philippines.

February 16 - China (CN) vs Germany (DE)
February 23 - Japan (JP) vs Australia (AU)
March 1 - Korea (KO) vs Dubai (AE)
March 8 - Italy (IT) vs Venezuela (VE)
March 15 - France (FR) vs Philippines (PH)

Meet Wuji

This pic made my day. It reminds me of someone special. HAHAHA... Insider's you know what I'm talking about it... Notice the "hair"

Hand me that Skin

Like I told a friend, it's not that I want to but that most days, I feel controlled to do so. To try to walk around in your skin, to somehow understand, to somehow let myself be open to the hurt, to somehow strain to be patient and to nurture in any way I can.

And trust that He will keep me and you.

Shattered

There are whispers that still turn me cold

Remembered touches that break me

Scarred and shattered

Will I never be whole? Where is Your healing?

Will the memories stay forever?

Lord have mercy, have mercy

Don’t let this pain destroy me

Don’t let it mar every scene

Help me breathe

Help me cling

Lord have mercy, have mercy

Magandang Balita

This morning on my way to the office...

Guard at the Gatehouse: "Good morning Ma'am! Ang ganda po talaga ng ngiti ninyo this week. I-share naman po ninyo ang magandang balita."

I'm evil I know... But I can't help it. I've tried but apparently, there's no covering this up.

Cue "Feelings Show" by Colbie Caillat. Play.

Comforting those who mourn

Death. No one is comfortable about it, no one is practiced in handling it. But is a certainty of life.

I flew to Capiz last Friday for the funeral of Carlo's mom. For a week before that, I struggled with words as I kept in touch with the Kit and Carlo. There's simply nothing to say. As I stayed up late at night reading text messages from them the first few nights after their mother passed away, I took almost an hour to reply.

Sunday afternoon, people told me I should go. I dreaded the idea of being there but being silent. What use would I be to the bereaved in that way? I would only be a burden to them as I stayed with them. But God cleared the path for me, I obeyed and flew there.

I spent my entire afternoon there tongue-tied. And we wouldn't talk. But by evening, I realized that my words weren't going to help anyway. So I listened. I sat there silent. And to my surprise, only then did the stories came forth... So did the grief... We just sat there most of the time after that in silence and somehow that was all that was needed.

There was much temptation to fill the silence, to tell them to let it out, to tell them this and that. But I knew words would fall flat. It was a time to stand by them, share their loss, be still and know God there.

Agape

"...is a love that is there for the other.

It seeks to give. It wants to serve. It endeavors to protect. It strains to nurture.

Loves sees what others often cannot see. It looks simply at the outer person, with its beauty or lack thereof. It looks at the inner person and sees its potentiality, and its woundedness.

And in seeing does not flee or attempt to remake the other. But it stays long enough to be close, to care and to empower."

-- Whispers from the Edge of Eternity

Held

There are no words I can say to comfort you as you lie in bed waiting for sleep and hoping to dream of her...

I trust that God will keep you, all of you.

He was after all, a man of many sorrows… And well acquainted with grief…

Eccaia Ana

Me and Nellie have decided to sell some pretty necklaces and a bag from Cebu. Please check out our first batch of accessories, by clicking on the link below:

Eccaia Ana

Eccaia ana is Quenyan for ocean gift and you'll find out why we chose this name if you click on that link! Don't worry, nothing's going to bore a hole in your wallet. Everything is affordable (think Divi or St Francis!) and really cute. If I hadn't bought contacts, I would have bought most of our stock...

So check it out and just give us a buzz if you're interested in anything.

Post It Needed

Erg! I forgot to bring my camera again. I've been planning to post family pictures taken during the holidays.

It's the little things you forget... And how they all pile up!

Denial

Some things are probably best seen then left alone. No dreams, no hopes, no urgent pleas in the dark for definition and clarity.

I thought I was ready. I still think I am. I've been told things like these never work out the way you think it will, even if you have considered hundred of scenarios. Something always happens and it changes things. I never thought I would be scared. But I am.

Answers came so easy before. Now they don't. I think I more or less played by the rules. But did that help?

Now I'm dodging the questions. Because now this is serious. It's not a scenario. It's a scene. And it could change the rest of our lives.

God...

...what do you say to a friend who watches his mother die a little more everyday?

Mind over Matter

Forget that:

• I'm back in the office, making my slow progress with my inbox and all the other things on my mental to do list...
• (because) I just came from Pangasinan and am operating on less than two hours of sleep
• I don't have roommates...
• Worse, that my best friend is not back in Manila yet
• Christmas went by in a blur of food and TV programs
• I have no spiritual health in me
• I don't want to fast because I'm going to fast for all the wrong reasons but maybe it's like what God said to Moses, that he'd only find out who God was only after he led the people out of Egypt... Maybe I'll shut up, and give my pea-sized faith a stretch
• I'm a couple of pounds heavier
• I will lose bet after bet because I do not trust him
• We don't have performance bonus yet... and we may never get one.

And remember:

• Long driving with the family to Manila
• Getting a facial with Mom
• Inang's laugh when she was found out
• Meeting Mcol and having loads of fun with her
• The four foot tall teddy bear Omar gave Mcol for Christmas
• Night with the girls in Serendra and how beautiful we were and how beautiful we still are without the make-up and clothes
• That I have a job! A good one where I learn, often the hard way, a lot of things and where nothing is ever boring.
• That someone somewhere thinks I'm something and that I'll find out exactly what soon, I hope.
• God won't give up on me. God has plans for me.

Cheers!

Let's remember...

...amidst the holiday stress, the budgets that have been strained beyond all hope, the parties, the gifts and revelations (*wink wink) the babe born in the manger who redeemed me and you by His blood and life to become heirs of grace.

Merry Christmas to all!

Seasons

You ask me if it all happened in the fullness of time. I honestly can't say. I am not privy to the times He has set for us. But I can tell you that my tummy doesn't feel right about this at all. I did not expect to get that information in that way.

I feel sorely disappointed.

I should watch more TV now...

I went home from our company Christmas party with:

1. A Samsung 21 inch TV
2. A nomination for the JOLT Awards because my senior has a good sense of humor
3. A pride in Mega B. We won the first prize for best Broadway presentation. All those hours of practice! Hahaha
4. A desire to watch the Follies De Mwah again. They are great performers.

Life isn't perfect but it is good.

"Galit ka pa rin ba?"

Like they say, to forgive is human but to forget is divine.

I have chosen to walk a path of forgiveness and if it means that I have to remind myself each time I remember the hurt and feel the indignation that

1) I am a sinner too
2) You are a co-heir of the grace of God in Christ Jesus
3) God is not blind to anything

than I have chosen to do that trusting in His sufficient grace to make up for my lack.

That much I can tell you.

Loosening my Grip

Okay, I'm one of those marriage freaks. The possibility that I won't get married and have my own family? It has just never occured to me before. I was super secure that I would be a mother and wife. I don't even know where that sense of security was based on. But lately, whatever the base was, it's getting a bit wobbly.

Consequently, I'm getting a bit anxious. I know, I'm only 23. There's years more to go before I turn 27... or 30, should God grant me those years. But now that I'm actually in a place where it's the right time, I'm wondering if there is that right person. Sinful Worry has been creeping in a lot.

And then I was reminded that marriage is a gift for this lifetime only. In heaven, we won't be married anymore. I can't explain it well, but that glimpse from an eternal perspective has helped me loosen my grip on my idol and open my hands to accept what my loving Father plans for me.

Blue Christmas

I walked into the office on Monday and there was this five foot tree... devoid of balls and ribbons and all the frills. It was sad. I gave it a pat you know. Just a lame attempt to comfort it in it's naked state.

Tuesday morning, I walk in and it's bedecked in blue balls and silver ribbon. I smile because the tree is smiling at me, albeit a bit on the off side. Gotta encourage it to talk you know. It told me blue and silver are really rad colors but they're not Christmassy. I gave it another pat. Hang in there I said.

This morning, it was positively radiant. Nice bling I said when I walked by. It blushed.

Ah, the Christmas season is here.

Talking to Mom

...doesn't make me feel alone or stupid or silly. she doesn't make me feel needy, clingy or lonely. she understands somehow the emotional swings between wisedom and impulsiveness, the pulling and pushing away, the struggle to remain calm, still and in the right place. somehow my confusion clears up and i am left with only peace. somehow she makes me see that i am loved, that i don't have to panic, that things will come come to pass and that she'll be there for me whatever or whoever turns up on my journey.

she is a blessing that took me a long time to recognize.

Sigh...

I am confused, frustrated, hurt, proud.

I am also kind, patient, there for you.

What's the matter with me??? I do not need another reason to be angry at myself.

How to Survive a Day in MR

For those who find themselves staring at their monitors, trying to provide cause analysis for the preferences of fickle-minded consumers:

1. Buy a box of antacids. Ulcer is an occupational hazard of this job. Breakfast at 1PM, Lunch at 4PM and dinner at midnightmakes for pretty holes in your tummy without a handy antacid. Better yet, always stock up on food.

2. Always take three breathes before replying whenever you feel like cutting heads off.

3. Just as you never mess with the people who make your food, never mess with the people who handle your fieldwork. Sometimes, it's best to ask to risk client ire than having low quality data.

4. Learn when to act as a boss and when to be a friend. A little compassion on people who have just worked for 72 hours straight goes a long long way.

5. Celebrate the little things in life like the ritual of taking off the project specs off your board because the project is finished, like lunches with officemates at Almon Marina, and clocking out at 9PM.

Higad

Iba na ang simoy ng hangin...

...o mga basang basang basang pantalong ko lang un? Nabaliw na ba ang panahon o ano? (...or is that just my wet wet wet jeans? Was that crazy weather or what?!)

Akala ko, tumila na siya (ain't you so proud of me Carlo?) pero isa pala itong pagpapanggap para ako'y lumabas na at lumakad na papuntang opisina. At ng (nang?) makalabas ako at makalayo lang ng limang metro sa bahay namin, aba!, ayan na, bumuhos ang loko. Sira ang aking... ano na nga ba ang "poise" sa filipino?

Nahihirapan na ako. Ang bigat ng pakiramdam ng kaisipan (thought ba ito?) na baka may ilang munting barangay ng bacteria (technical terms are excused) ang kasalukuyang namumuhay sa aking paa at ibabang bahagi ng aking binti (legs daw ito sabi ni joy)... Kahit magbuhos ako ng maraming alkohol, hindi pa rin ako mapakali...

At ayan, gagawa daw ako ng ilang questionnaire para sa mga bagong proyekto. Eto ako ulit, nangangapa sa munting nalalaman na Tagalog... Mabuhay ang Market Research!

Girl thinks out loud

I’ve been thinking a lot (and for a long time) about myself and my being a woman and what that’s supposed to mean, if anything. Did God just process this statistically and figured a good sample spread would be a 50-50 split between the sexes and there’s this randomization scheme in heaven where I was randomly picked to be a woman, whatever that may mean?

Of course that doesn’t fit in with how deliberately and wisely planned the rest of creation is and how God is an eternal, powerful, wise Being who is so other worldly as to strike fear in the heart of me. The good sort of fear of course. The honoring, respecting and loving sort of fear.

I’ve mentioned that this “What is a woman of God? Who is this woman? Why is she a woman?” phase has been ongoing for quite sometime now. I don’t have all my answers down yet and I suspect I won’t completely understand this until I’m face to face with my Savior. But I’m going to think out loud here and share the lessons so far.

Most important thing I’ve learned to date is from the book of Genesis (and hulled by reading a lot of other books on being a woman, dating and marriage). God created woman by taking a rib out of Adam and forming her.

“And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.” (Genesis 2:22)

It took me a long time for it to sink in that: 1. God deliberately makes a woman and 2. Eve was a woman before being called a woman by Adam.

“And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.” (Genesis 2:23)

The first point means my sexuality is not an accident. God initiated it, God created it. In the same way that He has lovingly created me to be a melancholic, neat freak, book geek, He has created me a woman. There has got to be a purpose to this, a uniqueness in how I am to reflect His glory to the world and how I was created to respond to God, to men and to other women. This was something Carolyn Mahaney talked about in one of the sermons I downloaded from the Council of Biblical Manhood and Womanhood, but what can I say, I’m a slow learner.

The second point means I am a woman with or without a man, with or without the clothes/make-up. The environment I grew up does not make me any less or more a woman than I was created to be. So while we have varying degrees of kakikayan, there isn’t a cut-off that determines that you are a woman. Created and raised in different countries and domestic situations does not change this fact either. I am not more of a woman if my mother allowed me to experiment with her make-up and wear her high heels when I was five and I’m not any less of a woman if I climbed trees, scraped my knees raw and enjoyed biking (yes, some of our relatives were aghast to know I did these things!). My femininity doesn’t rest on the fact that I was dressed in, uhm, dresses and given dolls and was encouraged to play house, bake cookies, etc. From the very start of my existence, I was created to be a woman. I am a woman.

This has been all incredibly freeing for me and has given me a fresh spark of hope. But, I do apologize, I have to go check on my widdle project now. Will write on this more soon.

Giggles

*Takes a deep breath

Praise God for a great harvest because God sent rains; that my brothers passed all their subjects(Cheers bros!); my D-Group at CCF and how they've welcomed me and shocked me with their prayers; the Honest Sex series at CCF, Tony Wood, Paul Tanchi and all the other speakers who were really great at taking all these issues apart in the Light of God's Word; Kuya Butch and all his fatherly advice and for laying out a gameplan ten thousand years ago; Ate Jojee and her being there to assure me I am not the most EQ-less, hopeless gal on the block; my friends Nellie and Joy and their tough gentle love and admonitions and for their knack of neatly summarizing what is really going on in my life; 100 placed interviews for my widdle project Ferdinand; a new contract in my drawer and all the allowances that come with being a full-fledged Research Associate; for Pastor Jonathan and his talk on DTRs and guy-girl friendships even if I went home battered and bruised dahil sa dami ng tumama sa akin; for God's provision for my dental emergencies (Mwah Joyce and Joy!); for the good strong immune system so I haven't been sick despite being surrounded in the office by sick people; for my Dad getting better from his asthma and his great blood test results; and for Mom who I can tell everything (well, almost everything) to and who is so cool as to finish reading HP 1-5 in two months.

I'm headed home tomorrow!!! So excited! Not too happy about spending my entire day travelling though. I'll travel to Pangasinan and then when I get there, the whole family is driving to Ilocos Sur. It's a little crazy but must make a conscious effort to make it work for the family not be a snobbish brat by plugging on my headphones and listening to my Ipod.

I'm also on this dare thing. I don't know what's going to happen three days from now but hopefully I'll have a clearer head and heart to handle my side of the story with wisdom, grace and love. Good Lord, it's going to be weird but healthy for me to have a look in the mirror and face the facts...

Playlist "Holding Hands" for the next five days:

He will Carry Me - Mark Schultz

Strong Enough - Stacie Orrico

Boston - Augustana

River Constantine - Jars of Clay

I Am - Mark Schultz

Somebody Loved - The Weepies

Empty Days - Augustana

Walking her Home - Mark Schultz

The Eject Button

"Ayoko na!!! I don't want this kind of life anymore. Sarap maging wife na lang... Magpapakasal na ako! Tara na ! Sana mabuntis na ako! Para sa bahay na lang muna ako. Konting linis lang, konting luto... Oh that's the life!!! Sana mabuntis na lang ako!"

--- Harassed Officemate

I never thought of marriage as an eject button to bail me out of a career that was flying out of control. But as I get more and more stressed, I gotta say, it sounds interesting.

Dove "Onslaught" Ad

Dove's Campaign for Real Beauty hits it again with another ad: a 60 second film entitled "Onslaught". Images of different bodies, beauty procedures (including several shots of liposuction which made me squirm) and expanding and shrinking women capture you in the same way the earlier commercial featuring the transformation of a model and the photoshop-ing of her features did

Its finale reads: "Talk to your daughter before the beauty industry does"

It's almost difficult to remember that it is a brilliant brand marketing strategy.

Check it out by clicking here.

I wonder who did the market research for this, if any...

Gold the goldfish

Time of death: Late afternoon, October 10,2007
Stipulated cause of death: Constipation

The untimely and tragic death of this lovesick fish was mourned by residents of Chason 3.

Color Me Pathetic

Look at the list of (100) books below.
Bold the ones you’ve read.
Italicize the ones you want to read.
Leave blank the ones that you aren’t interested in.
Movies don’t count.

1. The Da Vinci Code (Dan Brown)
2. Pride and Prejudice (Jane Austen)
3. To Kill A Mockingbird (Harper Lee)
4. Gone With The Wind (Margaret Mitchell)
5. The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (Tolkien)
6. The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring (Tolkien)
7. The Lord of the Rings: Two Towers (Tolkien)
8. Anne of Green Gables (L.M. Montgomery)
9. Outlander (Diana Gabaldon)
10. A Fine Balance (Rohinton Mistry)
11. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (Rowling)
12. Angels and Demons (Dan Brown)
13. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (Rowling)
14. A Prayer for Owen Meany (John Irving)
15. Memoirs of a Geisha (Arthur Golden)
16. Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone (Rowling)
17. Fall on Your Knees (Ann-Marie MacDonald)
18. The Stand (Stephen King)
19. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban(Rowling)
20. Jane Eyre (Charlotte Bronte)
21. The Hobbit (Tolkien)
22. The Catcher in the Rye (J.D. Salinger)
23. Little Women (Louisa May Alcott)
24. The Lovely Bones (Alice Sebold)
25 . Life of Pi (Yann Martel)
26. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (Douglas Adams)
27. Wuthering Heights (Emily Bronte)
28. The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe (C. S. Lewis)
29. East of Eden (John Steinbeck)
30. Tuesdays with Morrie(Mitch Albom)
31. Dune (Frank Herbert)
32. The Notebook (Nicholas Sparks)
33. Atlas Shrugged (Ayn Rand)
34. 1984 (Orwell)
35. The Mists of Avalon (Marion Zimmer Bradley)
36. The Pillars of the Earth (Ken Follett)
37. The Power of One (Bryce Courtenay)
38. I Know This Much is True (Wally Lamb)
39. The Red Tent (Anita Diamant)
40. The Alchemist (Paulo Coelho) - the universe DOES NOT conspire with me!!!
41. The Clan of the Cave Bear (Jean M. Auel)
42. The Kite Runner (Khaled Hosseini)
43. Confessions of a Shopaholic (Sophie Kinsella)
44. The Five People You Meet In Heaven (Mitch Albom) - yech!
45. Bible - bold because i've read most but italics because there's work to be done yet
46. Anna Karenina (Tolstoy)
47. The Count of Monte Cristo (Alexandre Dumas)
48. Angela’s Ashes (Frank McCourt)
49. The Grapes of Wrath (John Steinbeck)
50. She’s Come Undone (Wally Lamb)
51. The Poisonwood Bible (Barbara Kingsolver)
52. A Tale of Two Cities (Dickens)
53. Ender’s Game (Orson Scott Card)
54. Great Expectations (Dickens)
55. The Great Gatsby (Fitzgerald)
56. The Stone Angel (Margaret Laurence)
57. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (Rowling)
58. The Thorn Birds (Colleen McCullough)
59. The Handmaid’s Tale (Margaret Atwood)
60. The Time Traveller’s Wife (Audrey Niffenegger)
61. Crime and Punishment (Fyodor Dostoyevsky)
62. The Fountainhead (Ayn Rand)
63. War and Peace (Tolstoy)
64. Interview With The Vampire (Anne Rice)
65. Fifth Business (Robertson Davies)
66. One Hundred Years Of Solitude (Gabriel Garcia Marquez) - just select chapters
67. The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants (Ann Brashares)
68. Catch-22 (Joseph Heller)
69. Les Miserables (Hugo)
70. The Little Prince (Antoine de Saint-Exupery)
71. Bridget Jones’ Diary (Fielding) - oh how embarrassing!
72. Love in the Time of Cholera (Marquez)
73. Shogun (James Clavell)
74. The English Patient (Michael Ondaatje) (I have seen the movie, though)
75. The Secret Garden (Frances Hodgson Burnett)
76. The Summer Tree (Guy Gavriel Kay)
77. A Tree Grows in Brooklyn (Betty Smith)
78. The World According To Garp (John Irving)
79. The Diviners (Margaret Laurence)
80. Charlotte’s Web (E.B. White)
81. Not Wanted On The Voyage (Timothy Findley)
82. Of Mice And Men (Steinbeck)
83. Rebecca (Daphne DuMaurier)
84. Wizard’s First Rule (Terry Goodkind)
85. Emma (Jane Austen) - a favorite!!!
86. Watership Down(Richard Adams)
87. Brave New World (Aldous Huxley)
88. The Stone Diaries (Carol Shields)89. Blindness (Jose Saramago)
90. Kane and Abel (Jeffrey Archer)
91. In The Skin Of A Lion (Ondaatje)92. Lord of the Flies (Golding)
93. The Good Earth (Pearl S. Buck)
94. The Secret Life of Bees (Sue Monk Kidd)
95. The Bourne Identity (Robert Ludlum)
96. The Outsiders (S.E. Hinton)
97. White Oleander (Janet Fitch) - all hail...
98. A Woman of Substance (Barbara Taylor Bradford) - epic
99. The Celestine Prophecy (James Redfield)
100. Ulysses (James Joyce)

40/100? Not bad I guess... I bet Joy would do very well with this list.

If I seem like a rule book sometimes, I apologize

“Do not quench the Spirit. Do not despise prophecies, but test everything; hold fast what is good” (ESV)

I believe God still speaks to His people but I think I'll do what this verse says and test what I think I hear by seeking counsel and by praying. That's why I am not sitting and planning people. Hehehe...

Yes, how tempting it is to rest on that one impression. But I know my emotional health or lack of it. I know that my desires might cloud my impressions and I know my immense tolerance for denial when it means my comfort. So God search my heart.

What do you want?

I want this BOOK!!!

What can I say, it came highly recommended. And I'm still in my Biblical Manhood and Womanhood phase. Hehehe.

Peace!

Images from my 23rd

murder the mousse

23

I am 23 today. There is no great wisdom here. Only a few lessons learned the hard way and a couple more still hammering at my heart and mind. There is a measure of regret and frustration and certainly some sadness.

Make that a lot of sadness.

Those were good times... I WANT THEM BACK!

There is a time for everything

It's nothing new when Nellie stands in the doorway of our bathroom while I'm sweating trying to scrub those vicious mildew groups off the walls and says, "Kristina, pwede ka na talagang mag-asawa."

And of course the routine reply from yours truly is "Yeah yeah..."

It got me thinking. Do I think I'm ready for marriage? What would being ready be like? By what parameters can I validly answer Tita Nona's question, "Are you ready for him?" with a yes?

I don't think I am fully ready for marriage; there's a lot of rough edges to me yet. At the same time, I don't think those edges will be smoothed out when God brings that man into my life. I can be a woman who is spiritually mature and growing, great with the household stuff, a good sister in Christ to the men I know and emotionally ready to be a wife and mother. But that does not guarantee that Mr. Man will come waltzing into my life.

Wherever I am in my journey can't be determined by things like this. I think. It's more about God's wise timing of events than my maturity, talents and abilities. And that makes me grateful to a God who knows how to plan my life and use even my flaws to His glory.

HUWAT?! Huwow!!!

ELLIOTT YAMIN WILL BE HERE!!! Yah-Meeen!!!

September 21, 2007 8:00pm Trinoma North Edsa
September 22, 2007 8:00pm Glorietta Makati
September 23, 2007 8:00pm Alabang Town Center Alabang
September 26, 2007 8:00pm Ayala Mall Cebu
September 28, 2007 8:00pm Market! Market! Taguig

"So baby I will wait for you / cause I don’t know what else I can do / don’t tell me I ran out of time / if it takes the rest of my life / baby I will wait for you..."

Ahahahaha.... Thanks to Jeff Garma for tipping me off.

This just knocks me off my feet!

Say that again will you?

Nellie on acquiring a copy of the book about the numbers behind Numb3rs:

"I'm willing to pay anything! Basta below P700."

Kristina on her comprehensive prayers for her future husband and their marriage:

"The Lord said to come to Him. So I came... with a list."

Joy on why we had to discuss certain things:

"NELLIE, this is BAY - O - LOGY. Haler."

In the Land of Melancholics

"If you kill all the phlegs in the world... wala lang. The world will go on without us," lamented LG last Sunday. See LG and Nellie are phlegamatics. This temperament is calm, cool, peaceful, and quiet. Kadalasang NR. Won't get involved/lead/initiate unless forced to do so but when they do they are extremely gifted leaders. And lately my two friends think they have nothing to contribute to society unlike the cholerics who set the world's goals, the sanguines who keep the world happy and the melancholics who provide art, music and drama.

Of course, I don't agree with any of their nonsense. The Phlegs are essential is what I say. They provide stability. They are good diplomats. They are the calm in the midst of storms. But do my friends believe me? No.

But last night, when I watched In the Land of Women with Nellie, we got a glimpse into a world where everyone was either melancholic or choleric. And it was not the prettiest picture. Melancholics go running in the rain, go kissing people they shouldn't, don't ask for help, wonder why everyone is so disappointed in them, idealize people they fall in love with, handle break-ups badly and don't recognize the people who truly love them. They get punched, they punch other people, they write long love letters, they go jogging and then they hit a tree because they jog with their eyes closed. They tend to say the wrong thing at the wrong time with all the right intentions. They tend to jump to conclusions. They also feel sad or angry for no particular reason. All highly entropic stuff. I recommend the movie. A better title for it would have been In the Land of Melancholics.

I am highly indebted to Phlegmatics like LG, Joy, Sheena and Kathy. They have kept me afloat in my periods when I did or am all of the above except the punching and getting punched part. They are my flotation devices and if they were to be eliminated from my world, I would die.

Cheers to Phlegmatics, the world's water wings!

On the 23rd I wish...

• That my birthday was that day instead of a Monday which everyone knows is the toughest day of the week
• For a great afternoon with six other ladies (perhaps more) over pizza, pasta and chicken wings
• For bus tickets home
• For a new wallet with lots of slots for all my cards and photos and a place for my coins. Something simple. Not black.
• For a smaller version of my ESV Bible
• For a gift certificate for Pancake House
• A deep, rich purple spag top
• A haircut at Azta Salon
• For people not to get stressed over getting me something. If they really want to just remeber that I'm cheap (as in St. Francis/Divi/Greenhills kind of cheap), I love knock-offs, my love languages are time and touch and I'm easily pleased.

Hit me... hard

"You weren't exactly the most obedient one...

(leaves and then after 20 minutes, comes up to me to say)

The battle is the Lord's but Noah still built the ark."

- Nellie. Sept 9, '07

Ah, the lovely ways Nellie causes paradigm shifts in my life.

A Fresh Brew of Trouble

Mom had to use that tone of voice to get me to throw away those white ballet flats. They were so comfortable and the no-brainer addition to almost every outfit I could ever wear. They had taken me so many places and it showed. I threw them away with a heavy heart and wished I hadn't for days afterward.

It took me two years to fully move on after our less than a year together. It wasn't the person I missed I think. But the everyday, seemingly ordinary things really get to you. Having someone to talk to for hours at an end. Lunches and dinners together. Random notes and reminders. How are you? Here let me help you with that. You know better than that Krissy...

And that's how I've felt all week. I was never one to let go easily. And it really is the everyday things that get to you and tire you out. Today I feel like I've been dragged through a rougher ride than usual.

God, please help me believe that the lines have fallen for me in pleasant places, that You are my cup and my portion, that there's a reason I feel empty and that You can fill me.

Food! Food! Food!

It's the worst possible time in the month to get the blues. Really. PMSing and then the blues. Or was the blues part of the PMS?

All I want to do is eat.

Roasted chicken. Lots of romaine lettuce and honey mustard. Raisins covered in dark chocolate. Double trouble from Bread Talk. Brownies! Particulary the walnut brownies from Starbucks. Sanfo chocolate sprinkle caramel apples. Garlic pasta. Strawberries. Strawberry ice from Quickly. Adobo. Thank God that Tita Fil decided to cook some last night...

But. Still. Wanting. More.

Pepsi Max. Chocolate crinkles. Green mangoes. Even if that means getting a bad allergic reaction. Shrimp sinigang. Even if that means getting a worse allergic reaction.

And then I look in the mirror and hear "One second on your lips, forever on your hips". Woman! Control yourself! It's food for heaven's sake. NOT LOVE!

Say it with me again Appetite.

"It's food not love."

Glimpses

I was feeling sadder than usual last night. I just lay there on the top bunk, staring at Psalm 13, letting its powerful words wrap their arms around me and hoping that I will indeed cease taking counsel in my own soul ang trust in His mercy.

Then Nellie got up from the lower bunk and began teasing me. She was so cute. For a moment I thought of my future daughter. Of how she'd come and settle into my arms, give me wet kisses and hug me then say "Mommy, don't be sad. I messed up the kitchen just for you to clean and be happy."

And that made me feel lighter.

The Lord has dealt bountifully with me.

What September Means to Me

1. I'll be celebrating another year of life and praying that the next year be better.
2. I'm five sixths done with my training and one month closer to being a full-fledged PSRC-RI Research Associate. Market research rocks... If you choose to look at it that way.
3. Christmas songs will be playing on the radio. It's the Philippines and our four - or is that five - month long Christmas season. I love Christmas but this part I hate. This and the packed malls.
4. Two months more and this thing will turn into a year. Interesting. I still don't know if we're going to go somewhere else but I'm learning to enjoy this time. Walk by faith babe.
5. Lots of work. Overtime hours and four hour nights. Lots of projects.
6. Trying to decide on the worship leading thingy.
7. The DCF Alumni Homecoming on the 22nd

Hello to Mcul in Texas. There dearie, did a lot of updating for you. Hehehe... Be well.

This Side

Hello, I'm Krissy. I'm 23 and single. There are good days and bad days but all in all, I'm not all too eager for this season of my life to end. And for reasons other than I'm a little young for that end.

Don't get me wrong, I pine, whine and pray for a husband. My thoughts on marriage are still the same. But I'm discovering singleness as the gift it was meant to be and not the curse I always wanted to break away from.

It's an amazing time of discovering and appreciating that God made me a woman, appreciating my call in life as a woman and embracing the role I was created for. It's being about my self-esteem and where I should really find my beauty in. It's about being wooed by God until the time He allows me to wooed by someone else. It's making peace with myself and God.

Of course, it's also about weekends with girlfriends, about painting my nails purple, knowing that you can take on a job with crazy hours and being okay with messing up the cooking.

I look forward to its end but I will also miss it when I cross over.

Nice end to such a busy week

I'm definitely NOT where I planned to be and this is nowhere close to any of my dreams. It's depressing especially at the end of what seemed like a 14 day week. But Candice gave me some huge encouragement. This week has not been wasted. God doesn't do waste.

Faithfulness today with whatever you currently have to work with is the path God calls you to take. How you do with a little responsibility will affect how much more responsibility you'll get. That goes for the job you're in right now, as well as for any internship, mission trip, volunteer work or freelance assignment you might take on. If you'll handle each responsibility by faithfully meeting needs and doing your work as unto God, He will faithfully guide you to the next step along the way to realizing the dream He placed in you.

It's there but not quite

I haven't been home for more than three months and that's nothing new. My lifestyle has been mobile ever since I hit high school. At the age of 13, I was hopping from one place to another in a frenzy of seminars and competitions. I can pack in ten hours or ten minutes. Airports are a breeze for me, unknown streets are exciting challenges and the adrenaline rush is quite addicting.

Don't you miss your home and your family people ask me. I do but I have learned to deal with it. Home is not a place but the people and though it can never measure up, technology keeps them ever present in my life. Wherever I am, it's the daily text messages and emails that keeps the laughter and sometimes tears between us fresh. There's nothing like hugging Mom but for now her new fascination with Harry Potter is enough to warm me as I walk to work alone under a gray sky.

LSS

But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away

from You leaving me this way
Jesus can you show just how far

the east is from the west
Because I can't bear to see the man

I've been come rising in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
Coz You know just how far

the east is from the west
One scarred hand to the other

Chorus of East to West
By the Casting Crowns
From the forthcoming album The Altar and The Door

Anubeh

Our Managing Director called work off today due to floods.

So I finally get the NO WORK work day I have fantasized about for ages. But I have no idea what to do with it. So I'm still in the office.

What a sad life.

Still defiant, still for the Ped Xings!

Reading through the archives of Steve Levitt's and Stephen Dubner's blog Freakonomics, I came across this remark by Dubner on the city of Vancouver:

The biggest culture shock for me is that nobody here jaywalks. Coming from New York, I jaywalk at every opportunity. People look at me funny in Vancouver when I do this. Here, they wait patiently for the light to change, even if there are no cars. I asked several people why this was so. Some suggested that Canadians are simply obedient, whether by conditioning or temperament. Others said that jaywalking has been discouraged by the police, who sometimes ticket jaywalkers. One guy (who worked at Chapters) told me that nobody jaywalks because they are all stoned — apparently, a lot of marijuana is smoked here in Vancouver. Whatever the reason, Levitt should probably spend more time here since he hates it when people cut in line, like in Poland.

Am I stretching my naivete if I say that if it can be done in Vancouver, it can be done in Manila?

And if you haven't read Freakonomics, get/borrow a copy. It is one of the coolest books ever.

Too True

From Dr. Foreman on House MD, Season 3, Episode 13:

Those who are afraid of commitment are those who know how big it is.

Sniff

From Amanda, The Living Room:

Last night, trying to fall asleep, I was thinking about my kids, the ones that exist only in my imagination and some distant future; in my mind’s eye I had to look straight in the eyes of this little boy and tell him that yes, he’d done something wrong, but that didn’t mean I didn’t love him, in fact I loved him before he was even born, and I just started crying, because right then, for a brief moment I think I understood how God feels.