Moby's Choco Chum beats Oishi's Pillows!
June is freaky! She does a really good "witch's laugh". It scared me senseless for a while.
"Memories of Summer" translated into Tagalog maks for a good few nervous laughs.
May 22, 2005
May 21, 2005
Excuse me for a sec...
or for some days...
I'm busy, busy, busy. I turned down a date with bestfriend Nellie and LG. That ought to show how serious this is.
I have a problem set due Monday, a quiz on Tuesday and a final exam on Wednesday.
Not to mention that I have to process my college clearance and permit to transfer so that my admission into Statistics can be formalized.
I also have to find time to pack my stuff again. The dorm now has this stupid rule that we can store up to three boxes only. The rest has to be storeed anyplace but in the dorm. Heck, where do these people think I live? Downtown? Where am I going to put all my stuff which amounts to nine boxes all in all?! Grrr... Dear dorm management, just because we launched a formal complaint at the University's Housing Authority because of the exorbitant fess you charge us every semester, it doesn't mean you go do a Kill Bill rampage. Did you get the point of our complaint or what?
Okay, they are not worth my time right now... Stop and calm down Krissy.
So, I don't know when the porch will be occupied again. I'll be headed home (hopefully) on the 25th so that means that I won't be able to post anything. But, promise, I have lots of stuff I want to write:
The Case of the Shiftees
The Dark Side of Grade-Consciousness
For Any Potential Husbands...Yes, I Said Husbands
Rightfully Single in a Room of Not-so-single Girls
So now that y'all have my neat list, y'all accountable for reminding me. Nyahahaha!
See, guys, I'd love to hang out, but I must take my coffee inside and lock myself in my study and not emerge until I have finished everything excellently. So y'all just hang out there, go into the kitchen and brew yerselves some cofffee when you run out. The fridge is somewhere in there too. Feel at home, really. But do behave. I'll be coming out for a breather once in a while but bye for now. *Walks away quickly*
*Runs back outside*
Pray for me guys. I want to pass this dificult subject with more than a grade of 3. And, oh, June cut her hair. Gasp! June!!! You don't go wacko and cut your hair just because you have two scissors! But then it is rather lovely!
I'm busy, busy, busy. I turned down a date with bestfriend Nellie and LG. That ought to show how serious this is.
I have a problem set due Monday, a quiz on Tuesday and a final exam on Wednesday.
Not to mention that I have to process my college clearance and permit to transfer so that my admission into Statistics can be formalized.
I also have to find time to pack my stuff again. The dorm now has this stupid rule that we can store up to three boxes only. The rest has to be storeed anyplace but in the dorm. Heck, where do these people think I live? Downtown? Where am I going to put all my stuff which amounts to nine boxes all in all?! Grrr... Dear dorm management, just because we launched a formal complaint at the University's Housing Authority because of the exorbitant fess you charge us every semester, it doesn't mean you go do a Kill Bill rampage. Did you get the point of our complaint or what?
Okay, they are not worth my time right now... Stop and calm down Krissy.
So, I don't know when the porch will be occupied again. I'll be headed home (hopefully) on the 25th so that means that I won't be able to post anything. But, promise, I have lots of stuff I want to write:
The Case of the Shiftees
The Dark Side of Grade-Consciousness
For Any Potential Husbands...Yes, I Said Husbands
Rightfully Single in a Room of Not-so-single Girls
So now that y'all have my neat list, y'all accountable for reminding me. Nyahahaha!
See, guys, I'd love to hang out, but I must take my coffee inside and lock myself in my study and not emerge until I have finished everything excellently. So y'all just hang out there, go into the kitchen and brew yerselves some cofffee when you run out. The fridge is somewhere in there too. Feel at home, really. But do behave. I'll be coming out for a breather once in a while but bye for now. *Walks away quickly*
*Runs back outside*
Pray for me guys. I want to pass this dificult subject with more than a grade of 3. And, oh, June cut her hair. Gasp! June!!! You don't go wacko and cut your hair just because you have two scissors! But then it is rather lovely!
May 19, 2005
100 random things about me and my world
1. I don't like Hillsong Music. *hides under bed and quivers in fear* I sense I'll be assasinated in the next 24 hours. I like hymns
2. For those who think I'm in the wrong generation, I'm not. I just really enjoy the oldies.
3. My bath soaps are Safeguard and Dial. Antibacterial soaps should be the only ones allowed to exist.
4. I am rather attracted to uptight, snobbish, serious guys, the likes of Mr. Darcy and Edward Rochester.
5. Colin Firth...Sigh. *Dreamy Smile*
6. My best pal's name is Nellie. (As if y'all didn't know that)
7. My favorite place is Singapore.
8. I want to design my own clothes because the entire department store in SM can't come up with stuff I like.
9. I don't want to be identified by a particular kind of music (eg: CCM or PW) or by a t-shirt. I want God in me to be the one reaching out to people. I think that by dividing our world into Christian and secular, we make a big mistake because the two aren't mutually exclusive. I believe in engaging our culture and not making a world of our own.
10. I am pro-life. I would gain much satisfaction from bringing down a saucepan on the heads of people who argue that the fetus isn't human or useful to society.
11. I will find it very hard not to fall for a guy who sings to me.
12. I live in an ladies dormitory and sometimes I wonder if I'm missing out on anything.
13. Green tea is good! When I can't afford it, I buy some Lipton tea bags, some milk and sugar...ymmm...
14. I have just stoped using My Utmost for His Highest. Not because it wasnt' any good, it's actually tres tres tres excellent, but because I can't understand anything Chamber's written. I guess I'm not ready for it yet.
15. I want to be taller. I'm currently 5'5".
16. On second thought, I want to be shorter (but thinner) because finding a guy who's taller than me is hard. Of course, the finding part isn't true, but you get me don't you?
17. A girl has a right to owning more than five pair of shoes.
18. I know someone named Benedict. The odd thing is, the person's a girl. She's my brother's girlfriend.
19. My love life record contains one entry. And it's so fuzzy that I really can't tell if it was for real.
20. The only reason I regret not being the high school valedictorian of our batch is that I didn't have a chance to get up on stage and say all that I wanted to say about the tragic state of Philippine education in front of the officials of the Department of Education.
21. I was the editor-in-chief of our high school paper. What's weird is that it was published in Tagalog and I am a filipino who is not fluent in our language.
22. I hated high school. I love university life.
23. I wanna learn how to ice skate.
24. I wanna play the violin.
25. I hate doing the laundry. Give me any other chore (even cleaning the toilet!) but this.
26. My favorite household chore is kitchen duty.
27. My favorite authors: Jane Austen, Donald Miller, Elizabeth Elliot, Agatha Christie and John Grisham.
28. I was born on September 24, 1984. My parents got married on January 1, 1984. Coolness.
29. Keep me away from Hilary Duff. I wasn't built to take her on.
30. I love cats and bunnies and pandas and dolphins.
31. Will have hard time not falling for a guy who gives me a cat or bunny.
32. I think tall people should be allowed to wear heels.
33. I've never been admitted to the hospital, never broken anything, never been in a serious accident. Praise God.
34. Josh Groban is it. He's hot too. :)
35. Charlotte Church's "The Laughing Song" never fails to make me feel better.
36. I like donating blood. I'm a type B.
37. My last will and testament will express my wish to donate any decent organs of mine when I die.
38. I want to be part of the Red Cross.
39. I'm really good at research, biology and English. I have to work really hard to be good at Math.
40. I want to catch the accent of people from Georgia.
41. My dad wanted to name me Megan but obviously my mom got tabs on my name which is
fine with me.
42. If I have any kids, here's the current pool of names I would pick from: Joshua, David, Zach, Ashley, Julia, Eliza Joy, Shanelle, Rachelle.
43. "Wedding Dress" by Derek Webb is the default stuck-in-my-head song.
44. I want to open up my own cafe someday and it'll be called The Porch.
45. I desperately wanna watch Cats on Broadway.
46. When I was in the fourth grade, I got so frustrated because I couldn't return the ball in my tennis class that I managed to snap the racket into two.
47. A birthday is never a birthday without cake.
48. I want to be a spy.
49. I can't do food fasts because I won't feel any different since I skip Breakfast
and Lunch most days.
50. The only Psalm in the Bible that I have memorized is Psalm 103.
51. I am looking for a older, married woman to disciple me. I think that at my age, this is what young women should have.
52. I want to work as a barista at Starbucks. I think it's one of the coolest jobs college students can have.
53. I never did want to major in Physics. I just ended up there and how that happened makes for another post.
54. I did want to become a doctor. Still do.
55. I can't walk in heels higher than two inches.
56. I was Catholic for 18 years. I've been a Protestant for almost four.
57. I want to send my kids to an International school where they get to interact with different cultures. I will always treasure my own experience.
58. I do not like tinolang manok. Yech!
59. At the next formal dinner of our dowm, I want to wear a sari or the national costume of Thailand.
60. "One tall rhumba please"
61. I own two journals and two online journals. How I manage all four amazes me.
62. I must have matching bedsheets. Otherwise, I just get really disturbed.
63. I wanna watch Les Miserable.
64. I have a very narrow vocal range, from E to G. 9Did I get that right Kuya Eigen?)
65. I want to learn the following languages: Italian, Korean, Hebrew and Arabic.
66. Every time I hear songs with the message 'I am on fire for You Lord" I have a weird compulsion to scream at the radio.
67. I want to start a fellowship at the International Center next door to my dorm.
68. Why, why did Friends end?
69. I identify with Ross of Friends the most. For those of you who know my love life, you can understand why. For those who don't, await post.
70. I like the ESV for my Bible Study and the KJV for praying.
71. Purple, Blue, Pink=fave colors.
72. Favorite cheap food: McDonalds and Jollibee
73. Favorite Expensive food: Japanese
74. I love to sleep and I can't sleep unless every light is turned off.
75. I collect drop earrings but seldom use them.
76. You'll know something is wrong with me if I am doing a lot of smiling and laughing. You'll know I'm fine, happy and content when I'm quiet and serious.
77. Even with spoons around, I'll eat with chopsticks.
78. I bless the person who invented ketchup.
79. The wheels I want: a red CRV or a silver RAV
80. Theme Songs: Phobic by Plumb, Art in Me by Jars of Clay, Be Still my Soul and Simply Love You by Ginny Owens and Be Thou My Vision.
81. I love bell-bottom and bootleg jeans.
82. I'm 1/16 American. Rather insignificant.
83. I'm the eldest among three children.
84. I've always enjoyed being a girl.
85. I play a rather mean game of badminton when I'm in the mood.
86. I want to learn how to do watercolor paintings properly.
88. Oh good grief, I'm running out of things!
89. I wear glasses. I've got severe astigmatism in my right eye. The left one is perfectly normal. So my lens aren't the same. One's a lot lot lot thicker.
90. I am a hopeless romantic.
91. I'm nocturnal. Bedtime is at 3AM (the earliest) for me.
92. My discipler's name is Jojee. She's a missions freak and the motherly type.
93. I really get extremly annoyed with the people who tell me to get a life.
94. Someone please explain to me the Star Wars phenomena.
95. I love LOTR and Harry Potter.
96. I am socially ungraceful.
97. I'm for waiting. I am waiting. I'm against pre-marital sex. I believe in the sanctity of the marriage bed.
98. I want to limit my wardrobe to the ff colors, boring as they may be: black, cream, white, deep red, olive green and lavender.
99. Me and cockroaches go wayyy back. They have made me scream like a banshee, cry like a baby and cry and luagh at the same time like a lunatic. I, on the other hand, have succeeeded in having them killed by my roommates who can't bear my hysterics when they appear.
100. I am lonely and wish I had a boyfriend. But I know better. Now, if only I can get my heart and emotions to follow my mind.
2. For those who think I'm in the wrong generation, I'm not. I just really enjoy the oldies.
3. My bath soaps are Safeguard and Dial. Antibacterial soaps should be the only ones allowed to exist.
4. I am rather attracted to uptight, snobbish, serious guys, the likes of Mr. Darcy and Edward Rochester.
5. Colin Firth...Sigh. *Dreamy Smile*
6. My best pal's name is Nellie. (As if y'all didn't know that)
7. My favorite place is Singapore.
8. I want to design my own clothes because the entire department store in SM can't come up with stuff I like.
9. I don't want to be identified by a particular kind of music (eg: CCM or PW) or by a t-shirt. I want God in me to be the one reaching out to people. I think that by dividing our world into Christian and secular, we make a big mistake because the two aren't mutually exclusive. I believe in engaging our culture and not making a world of our own.
10. I am pro-life. I would gain much satisfaction from bringing down a saucepan on the heads of people who argue that the fetus isn't human or useful to society.
11. I will find it very hard not to fall for a guy who sings to me.
12. I live in an ladies dormitory and sometimes I wonder if I'm missing out on anything.
13. Green tea is good! When I can't afford it, I buy some Lipton tea bags, some milk and sugar...ymmm...
14. I have just stoped using My Utmost for His Highest. Not because it wasnt' any good, it's actually tres tres tres excellent, but because I can't understand anything Chamber's written. I guess I'm not ready for it yet.
15. I want to be taller. I'm currently 5'5".
16. On second thought, I want to be shorter (but thinner) because finding a guy who's taller than me is hard. Of course, the finding part isn't true, but you get me don't you?
17. A girl has a right to owning more than five pair of shoes.
18. I know someone named Benedict. The odd thing is, the person's a girl. She's my brother's girlfriend.
19. My love life record contains one entry. And it's so fuzzy that I really can't tell if it was for real.
20. The only reason I regret not being the high school valedictorian of our batch is that I didn't have a chance to get up on stage and say all that I wanted to say about the tragic state of Philippine education in front of the officials of the Department of Education.
21. I was the editor-in-chief of our high school paper. What's weird is that it was published in Tagalog and I am a filipino who is not fluent in our language.
22. I hated high school. I love university life.
23. I wanna learn how to ice skate.
24. I wanna play the violin.
25. I hate doing the laundry. Give me any other chore (even cleaning the toilet!) but this.
26. My favorite household chore is kitchen duty.
27. My favorite authors: Jane Austen, Donald Miller, Elizabeth Elliot, Agatha Christie and John Grisham.
28. I was born on September 24, 1984. My parents got married on January 1, 1984. Coolness.
29. Keep me away from Hilary Duff. I wasn't built to take her on.
30. I love cats and bunnies and pandas and dolphins.
31. Will have hard time not falling for a guy who gives me a cat or bunny.
32. I think tall people should be allowed to wear heels.
33. I've never been admitted to the hospital, never broken anything, never been in a serious accident. Praise God.
34. Josh Groban is it. He's hot too. :)
35. Charlotte Church's "The Laughing Song" never fails to make me feel better.
36. I like donating blood. I'm a type B.
37. My last will and testament will express my wish to donate any decent organs of mine when I die.
38. I want to be part of the Red Cross.
39. I'm really good at research, biology and English. I have to work really hard to be good at Math.
40. I want to catch the accent of people from Georgia.
41. My dad wanted to name me Megan but obviously my mom got tabs on my name which is
fine with me.
42. If I have any kids, here's the current pool of names I would pick from: Joshua, David, Zach, Ashley, Julia, Eliza Joy, Shanelle, Rachelle.
43. "Wedding Dress" by Derek Webb is the default stuck-in-my-head song.
44. I want to open up my own cafe someday and it'll be called The Porch.
45. I desperately wanna watch Cats on Broadway.
46. When I was in the fourth grade, I got so frustrated because I couldn't return the ball in my tennis class that I managed to snap the racket into two.
47. A birthday is never a birthday without cake.
48. I want to be a spy.
49. I can't do food fasts because I won't feel any different since I skip Breakfast
and Lunch most days.
50. The only Psalm in the Bible that I have memorized is Psalm 103.
51. I am looking for a older, married woman to disciple me. I think that at my age, this is what young women should have.
52. I want to work as a barista at Starbucks. I think it's one of the coolest jobs college students can have.
53. I never did want to major in Physics. I just ended up there and how that happened makes for another post.
54. I did want to become a doctor. Still do.
55. I can't walk in heels higher than two inches.
56. I was Catholic for 18 years. I've been a Protestant for almost four.
57. I want to send my kids to an International school where they get to interact with different cultures. I will always treasure my own experience.
58. I do not like tinolang manok. Yech!
59. At the next formal dinner of our dowm, I want to wear a sari or the national costume of Thailand.
60. "One tall rhumba please"
61. I own two journals and two online journals. How I manage all four amazes me.
62. I must have matching bedsheets. Otherwise, I just get really disturbed.
63. I wanna watch Les Miserable.
64. I have a very narrow vocal range, from E to G. 9Did I get that right Kuya Eigen?)
65. I want to learn the following languages: Italian, Korean, Hebrew and Arabic.
66. Every time I hear songs with the message 'I am on fire for You Lord" I have a weird compulsion to scream at the radio.
67. I want to start a fellowship at the International Center next door to my dorm.
68. Why, why did Friends end?
69. I identify with Ross of Friends the most. For those of you who know my love life, you can understand why. For those who don't, await post.
70. I like the ESV for my Bible Study and the KJV for praying.
71. Purple, Blue, Pink=fave colors.
72. Favorite cheap food: McDonalds and Jollibee
73. Favorite Expensive food: Japanese
74. I love to sleep and I can't sleep unless every light is turned off.
75. I collect drop earrings but seldom use them.
76. You'll know something is wrong with me if I am doing a lot of smiling and laughing. You'll know I'm fine, happy and content when I'm quiet and serious.
77. Even with spoons around, I'll eat with chopsticks.
78. I bless the person who invented ketchup.
79. The wheels I want: a red CRV or a silver RAV
80. Theme Songs: Phobic by Plumb, Art in Me by Jars of Clay, Be Still my Soul and Simply Love You by Ginny Owens and Be Thou My Vision.
81. I love bell-bottom and bootleg jeans.
82. I'm 1/16 American. Rather insignificant.
83. I'm the eldest among three children.
84. I've always enjoyed being a girl.
85. I play a rather mean game of badminton when I'm in the mood.
86. I want to learn how to do watercolor paintings properly.
88. Oh good grief, I'm running out of things!
89. I wear glasses. I've got severe astigmatism in my right eye. The left one is perfectly normal. So my lens aren't the same. One's a lot lot lot thicker.
90. I am a hopeless romantic.
91. I'm nocturnal. Bedtime is at 3AM (the earliest) for me.
92. My discipler's name is Jojee. She's a missions freak and the motherly type.
93. I really get extremly annoyed with the people who tell me to get a life.
94. Someone please explain to me the Star Wars phenomena.
95. I love LOTR and Harry Potter.
96. I am socially ungraceful.
97. I'm for waiting. I am waiting. I'm against pre-marital sex. I believe in the sanctity of the marriage bed.
98. I want to limit my wardrobe to the ff colors, boring as they may be: black, cream, white, deep red, olive green and lavender.
99. Me and cockroaches go wayyy back. They have made me scream like a banshee, cry like a baby and cry and luagh at the same time like a lunatic. I, on the other hand, have succeeeded in having them killed by my roommates who can't bear my hysterics when they appear.
100. I am lonely and wish I had a boyfriend. But I know better. Now, if only I can get my heart and emotions to follow my mind.
it's never really here
Mom came over and we hung out for some four hours. Gee, I miss her so much. We didn't do anything extraordinary. We had brunch down at the Coop and then some fruit shopping. She made me break off a branch from this plant in the garden of the Church of the Risen Lord. She had a good laugh out of me doing a mock expression of fear and praying out loud for God ot to strike me dead for doing it. She's already caught a bus back home and here I am with a bag of mangga (unripe mangoes). I'm allergic to the stuff but my roommates are having a feast.
---
I was late for class today. Thankfully, our professor was in one of his better moods. He also noticed that most of us looked lost during the discussion and was kind enough to go over the Method of Transformations again.
---
After class, I went to the library to return my due books. That done, I bought myself some green tea (C2) and some crackers and found some shade by the Sunken Garden. I had been there just enjoying the peace when a girl came up and gave me some sales talk to buy a ballpen from her. She said she was doing this so she could earn some money for her college tuition. The pens were P50 and I sadly didn't have enough money left. So I gave her the lone P20 bill in my wallet and invited her to sit.
We exchanged some questions with each other. And I soon turned the conversation to Jesus. I found out that she was a born-again Christian and I didn't need to help the conversation along anymore. She talked freely about how she attended the Catholic church but now she was struggling with what to do now that she's been reading her Bible and there seemed to be a lot of things in her church that seemed out of line with the Word.
I told her that I was once a Catholic myself and how I had gone through the same issue. We talked about how one must find a Church that taught and lived the Truth but that this kind of thing is something you take to God and ask His counsel. After all, I knew some genuine Christians who attended the Catholic church and they were there for a purpose. What was important was to know and and obey the Truth.
And for sometime we just sat there, lost in our own thoughts, until another girl came up and they both left me alone to my thoughts but not without a thank you.
---
There's something amiss and I can't figure out what or who it is.
---
I was late for class today. Thankfully, our professor was in one of his better moods. He also noticed that most of us looked lost during the discussion and was kind enough to go over the Method of Transformations again.
---
After class, I went to the library to return my due books. That done, I bought myself some green tea (C2) and some crackers and found some shade by the Sunken Garden. I had been there just enjoying the peace when a girl came up and gave me some sales talk to buy a ballpen from her. She said she was doing this so she could earn some money for her college tuition. The pens were P50 and I sadly didn't have enough money left. So I gave her the lone P20 bill in my wallet and invited her to sit.
We exchanged some questions with each other. And I soon turned the conversation to Jesus. I found out that she was a born-again Christian and I didn't need to help the conversation along anymore. She talked freely about how she attended the Catholic church but now she was struggling with what to do now that she's been reading her Bible and there seemed to be a lot of things in her church that seemed out of line with the Word.
I told her that I was once a Catholic myself and how I had gone through the same issue. We talked about how one must find a Church that taught and lived the Truth but that this kind of thing is something you take to God and ask His counsel. After all, I knew some genuine Christians who attended the Catholic church and they were there for a purpose. What was important was to know and and obey the Truth.
And for sometime we just sat there, lost in our own thoughts, until another girl came up and they both left me alone to my thoughts but not without a thank you.
---
There's something amiss and I can't figure out what or who it is.
May 18, 2005
I would never have guessed...
I always thought of myself as Emma Woodhouse. Sigh. Am not to thrilled with this character, but okay.
:: L I Z Z Y ::
You are Elizabeth Bennet of Pride & Prejudice! You are intelligent, witty, and tremendously attractive. You have a good head on your shoulders, and oftentimes find yourself the lone beacon of reason in a sea of silliness. You take great pleasure in many things. You are proficient in nearly all of them, though you will never own it. Lest you seem too perfect, you have a tendency toward prejudgement that serves you very ill indeed.
Midweek Madness in Room 122
Yeah, me and the roommies went overbaord when we realized that we had a camera, a video camera and a cellphone camera around. Most of the pics are still stuck in the video cam though. These from the cellphone camera:
Yeah, things are beginning to look up...
Me and one of the kids I have as a roommate. Meet June. Goodness, I am feeling so ancient. Like I'm standing and walking on my own and my three roommates are crawling around.
Yeah, things are beginning to look up...
Me and one of the kids I have as a roommate. Meet June. Goodness, I am feeling so ancient. Like I'm standing and walking on my own and my three roommates are crawling around.
...
This is why I always wonder
I'm a pond full of regrets
I always try to not remember
Rather than forget
I'm a pond full of regrets
I always try to not remember
Rather than forget
I miss dancing, the rush and beat, the sharp and soft.
I miss the feel of sweat trickling down my back and the sides of my face.
I miss the exhaustion of a night spent at the barre.
I'll always regret sitting instead of chasing.
I'll always feel cheated by my years.
I'll always feel like crying.
Tide will rise and fall along the bay
and I'm not going anywhere
I'm not going anywhere
and I'm not going anywhere
I'm not going anywhere
People come and go and walk away,
and I'm not going anywhere
I'm not going anywhere
It's a lonely life and I wonder where he is,
If I made a mistake and lost it somehow.
I make myself to lie down in these pastures
and not worry about when and how or if and who.
This is why I always wonder
There's nothing new under the sun
I won't go anywhere
So give my love to everyone
So if I can find a reason in this season
I'll say no more
I'll go home and lay myself down
Close my eyes and dream
On the right side:
Lyrics of "Not Going Anywhere"
Keren Ann
On the left side:
Excerpts of "Melancholic Notes in Life's Symphony"
Krissy who was never good at poetry
May 17, 2005
New Things for my Gray Cells
- The CDF and MGF of determining the distribution of a random variables
- My Stat 122 professor doesn’t know that we used cheat sheets in our Stat 121 so none of us has memorized any of the univariate distribution formulas. (Sorry for being so technical here) He expects us to know them as much as we know our own names. Therefore, it is imperative that I memorize three sheets worth of formulas.
- I have lost my ability to sleep with the light’s on. This piece of knowledge cost me a night’s worth of sleep.
- PDAs are one of the most helpful things ever invented for people who love to make plans, like me.
- It is good idea to eat all three meals and not stick to eating just dinner. Ulcer is lurking just around the corner, waiting for me to skip a few more meals.
- Wanting to be excellent in your academics has a price just like wanting to have fun. When you decide to be strive to excellence, accept the fact that your social life will not be as exciting as most people. Don’t go complaining about how boring your life is.
- As much as I would like to put God, family, friends, acads, fun, writing, and church all in the #1 spot in my priorities, that is impossible. I must learn to prioritize and compromise when situations call for such.
- Oishi’s Pillows are the best!
- Good study habits are an art. For those who have mastered it, don’t ever let the world’s “Get a life” get to you because when you stop at practicing the art, picking up on the skill isn’t as easy as ice-skating after five years of absence on the ice rink.
- As much as you’d like to, you can’t be or can’t provide the solutions to all of your friend’s troubles.
“Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them---every day begin the task anew.” --- Francis de Sales
May 16, 2005
Oh Joy!!!
Well, it has been a hectic weekend and the week is off to another hectic start. You might say that the porch swing has been unoccupied and is now covered with three (or is it four?) days worth of dust. But that’s not the reason it’s been quiet around here. The last three days I’ve been walking in joy/relief-induced daze. Trust me, it’s still difficult to get me focused on this entry. Even more difficult to come up with vocabulary for this thing. I lost my communication skills last Friday and they’re only just slowly resurfacing.
Last Friday, I woke up around noon to find a message on my phone. It was a classmate of mine congratulating me because I qualified for shifting. I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and stared at my phone as if it were some alien form I had taken a sudden curiosity to. Was half out of my wits, thinking, Lord, please let this not be a joke or something. Because, duh!, I know I qualify for shifting into Statistics because I got the GWA they require for applicants. So what EXACTLY was my classmate talking about?
I tried texting her back, but I ran out of phone credit. It was 11:30. My class wasn’t until 1:00. But it would have been a simple thing to shower and rush a block away to the Stat building and check if the shifting results were out. But honestly, I was too terrified to do that. I just wasn’t ready. So I opted to procrastinate. And pray.
My classmate sent another message saying “Your name, Kristina H. Mendoza, is on the list!!!”
Still couldn’t believe it.
Took a bath, had lunch (ate really slowly), and headed out to the Stat building.
Made beeline for the Office of the College Secretary and saw my name on the list of accepted shiftees and transferees.
Stared at paper.
Still couldn’t believe it.
Attended class. Two hours later, I checked the list, so sure that I had just imagined the whole thing.
Still couldn’t believe it. But now in a good way. Smiled and giggled. Looked up and giggled.
Got to the dorm. Sat on bed. Bowed my head to praise. Instead, all I could do was smile. Then cry. Then giggle. Then cry again. God knew the words.
I wish I could dance but I’m rooted to the floor in awe. I wish I could sing but I can only be silent before His majesty.
I’m no longer a non-major. I’m staying in UP. I’ll be graduating (God willing) in 2007.
All this is just blowing me away.
“I gaze around me from on higher ground
Filled with wonder and awe
Humbled by Thy great faithfulness
Stilled by Thy steadfast love
Such valleys I have walked through
And yet now I truly find the walk worthwhile.
So I praise Thee for Thy marvelous works,
Thy light and wisdom,
Thy grace and joy,
Thy salvation and peace.
I praise Thee for setting this path before me
For walking this path along me
For being the Light ahead of me.
Yet, Lord, I pray that I do not linger.
Let me not remain longer than I should.
Let my eyes not settle for this view,
Nor my feet rest on this mountain top.
But make me to follow You,
Be the way narrow or wide,
Through valley or mount.
For the highest ground is to stand where You stand.”
Last Friday, I woke up around noon to find a message on my phone. It was a classmate of mine congratulating me because I qualified for shifting. I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and stared at my phone as if it were some alien form I had taken a sudden curiosity to. Was half out of my wits, thinking, Lord, please let this not be a joke or something. Because, duh!, I know I qualify for shifting into Statistics because I got the GWA they require for applicants. So what EXACTLY was my classmate talking about?
I tried texting her back, but I ran out of phone credit. It was 11:30. My class wasn’t until 1:00. But it would have been a simple thing to shower and rush a block away to the Stat building and check if the shifting results were out. But honestly, I was too terrified to do that. I just wasn’t ready. So I opted to procrastinate. And pray.
My classmate sent another message saying “Your name, Kristina H. Mendoza, is on the list!!!”
Still couldn’t believe it.
Took a bath, had lunch (ate really slowly), and headed out to the Stat building.
Made beeline for the Office of the College Secretary and saw my name on the list of accepted shiftees and transferees.
Stared at paper.
Still couldn’t believe it.
Attended class. Two hours later, I checked the list, so sure that I had just imagined the whole thing.
Still couldn’t believe it. But now in a good way. Smiled and giggled. Looked up and giggled.
Got to the dorm. Sat on bed. Bowed my head to praise. Instead, all I could do was smile. Then cry. Then giggle. Then cry again. God knew the words.
I wish I could dance but I’m rooted to the floor in awe. I wish I could sing but I can only be silent before His majesty.
I’m no longer a non-major. I’m staying in UP. I’ll be graduating (God willing) in 2007.
All this is just blowing me away.
“I gaze around me from on higher ground
Filled with wonder and awe
Humbled by Thy great faithfulness
Stilled by Thy steadfast love
Such valleys I have walked through
And yet now I truly find the walk worthwhile.
So I praise Thee for Thy marvelous works,
Thy light and wisdom,
Thy grace and joy,
Thy salvation and peace.
I praise Thee for setting this path before me
For walking this path along me
For being the Light ahead of me.
Yet, Lord, I pray that I do not linger.
Let me not remain longer than I should.
Let my eyes not settle for this view,
Nor my feet rest on this mountain top.
But make me to follow You,
Be the way narrow or wide,
Through valley or mount.
For the highest ground is to stand where You stand.”
May 13, 2005
The Suicide Diaries: Finale
Written May 8, 2005
It’s been almost a week since I sat on this bed and wondered about the ramifications of a suicide. There are several things I would like to confess to.
First off, I did not just start a Bible study on suicide. At the time the thought crossed my mind, I was seriously contemplating suicide. Tears were streaming down my face and I was quickly running out of tissue. My Bible was open before me, Isaiah 43 watching me. A week ago when I passed my shifting application to the Student Affairs Office at the School of Statistics, I was told that the results could be released as early as the 10th. I crumble at the thought of walking to Stat and seeing a sign announcing the list of qualified shiftees, my name nowhere on its white expanse. Over the days, the stress has mounted. So has the desperation, the anxiety and the misery. I honestly have no viable Plan B. If I don’t get accepted, that means transferring to another school and the bleak inevitability of having to start all over again. I don’t want that. I’m too tired. I’ve put in all I have into this fight to stay in UP and I just can’t go any further. I don’t want another school, another course, another set of friends, another church, another “college culture”. I couldn’t live with myself like that, feeling like an utter failure, lost and abandoned, and totally hopeless case.
I also have to admit that I feel pretty relieved that I won’t necessarily be going to hell if I commit suicide. There is plenty of Scripture that assures a believer’s salvation and nothing can come between Jesus and me. The thought of spending an eternity in hell terrifies me. Again, I admit that this is one of the things that keep me from the bottle of pills or the rooftop of some high rise building.
I confess that I was very angry, maybe the right word is indignant, to find that most people thought that a Christian would fail at committing suicide. The thought had passed my mind to prove them wrong. Some offered the idea that if a professing Christian committed suicide, then maybe the person wasn’t a Christian in the first place. The premise of this argument is that most suicides are born out of hopelessness and a Christian would not be in this position since we have a hope in Christ. I don’t think so. Christians, as much as we have hope in Christ, are still human. We still get depressed, we can get sad, and we can find ourselves feeling hopeless. In other words, we still bleed. And bleed we do sometimes. I know people who receive compliments each and every day about how pretty they are but never believe. They don’t accept the sincere praise. Same thing with this hope. I think it’s a matter of clinging to it and sometimes clinging to it like a madman. This is especially tricky when one’s emotions and situation become overwhelming because the bad things seem more real than God. God bless those who manage to do so. Some, like me, slip and fall and slip and fall again and I’m so sorry if I seem like such a weakling. Okay, I’m mad.
One guy I asked answered that a Christian will not be allowed to die until it is his time to be with the Lord and so a true Christian who tries to make an early check-out will fail to do so. I can’t argue with the point. A mental picture of me dangling by some rope and still breathing flashed in my mind and it made me laugh. Oh well, I am thankful that He is sovereign.
As for my own story, I’ve told half of it already (second paragraph). The other half is my first encounter with this spirit.
I used shrug my shoulders, roll my eyes and think “Drama, drama, drama” when someone got suicidal. I thought it was a silly, cowardly thing to do. I thought these thoughts would never occur to me. This was all back in the days when I thought that the world was mine for the taking and that I was a strong, independent, invincible woman. Now, I take it seriously. I pray and I pray for people who go contemplate such an ending.
Many have said that the thought of dying and escaping their problems, uplifts them. Media certainly has done its share in portraying the “happiness” of a person just about to leap off the top of a building. And it seems like a fairly easy thing to do. In my case, I found out that it wasn’t. Nor did I feel a certain giddiness at the idea of going. Let’s rewind.
It was in November 2003. I was back in UP for the second semester. I failed two Physics majors and it was inevitable that I was going to be a non-major. There went three years of my life. Other than that, I struggled with my past and with all these temptations. I had urges to steal, to lie and to do other stuff that most people, including my mother, never know I am capable of. It was like all the dirt in me was pushing itself to the surface and when I looked into the mirror, I was terrified of myself. I hated me. So there I was, feeling like such a loser and wallowing in the knowledge of my sins. One night, my roommate handed me Tylenol flu pills, the ones she didn’t consume when she was sick. And the weirdest thing happened. I just sat there, palming the pills, looking calm. But inside me, a battle suddenly began. My vision filled with darkness and I got this really strong urge to kill myself. I heard a lot of voices, tauting and pushing me to do it. Looking back, it seemed like a scene out of a horror movie but I know it was real. Ever read a Frank Peretti book? I was right smack of what he is so good at describing: a spiritual attack. Never did the enemy become so visually real to me. I sat there, screaming in my head for the voices to stop, screaming back at them and maybe at myself that my life wasn’t mine. It was the Lord’s and I couldn’t take it back. I began to cry in the sheer terror of the moment. I don’t know how I did it when I felt so rooted to the chair and paralyzed, but I made a run for Ate Jojee, my spiritual mentor, who lived down the hall. Amazingly, I caught her just coming out of her room and collapsed into her and cried and screamed for help. She held me, prayed for me and stayed with me. For a week or so after that incident, I let Ate Jojee keep all my pills and my scissors. I needed her to be at my side when I did my quiet times and prayed because suddenly I needed some sort of back-up. I could not handle another encounter with darkness alone for some time.
Some people get uncomfortable when I tell them this. But, really, that is what happened, as best as I can describe it. My point in telling my story is this. The knowledge that my life was the Lord’s kept me from taking my life then. That same fact is what holds me back today. I gave my life to the Lord some three years ago. It is His to guide, direct and use. And I am thankful that it’s His. What would have happened if it weren’t?
I am depressed and very worried about what is going to happen this week. And so I pray for grace and strength. CS Lewis wrote:
“We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.”
Somehow, I’ll be okay. I have to believe that. Because God has plans for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future. And so, praise the Lord, oh my soul, and forget not the good things he does for me.
May we all find His grace sufficient in whatever battle we may be in.
It’s been almost a week since I sat on this bed and wondered about the ramifications of a suicide. There are several things I would like to confess to.
First off, I did not just start a Bible study on suicide. At the time the thought crossed my mind, I was seriously contemplating suicide. Tears were streaming down my face and I was quickly running out of tissue. My Bible was open before me, Isaiah 43 watching me. A week ago when I passed my shifting application to the Student Affairs Office at the School of Statistics, I was told that the results could be released as early as the 10th. I crumble at the thought of walking to Stat and seeing a sign announcing the list of qualified shiftees, my name nowhere on its white expanse. Over the days, the stress has mounted. So has the desperation, the anxiety and the misery. I honestly have no viable Plan B. If I don’t get accepted, that means transferring to another school and the bleak inevitability of having to start all over again. I don’t want that. I’m too tired. I’ve put in all I have into this fight to stay in UP and I just can’t go any further. I don’t want another school, another course, another set of friends, another church, another “college culture”. I couldn’t live with myself like that, feeling like an utter failure, lost and abandoned, and totally hopeless case.
I also have to admit that I feel pretty relieved that I won’t necessarily be going to hell if I commit suicide. There is plenty of Scripture that assures a believer’s salvation and nothing can come between Jesus and me. The thought of spending an eternity in hell terrifies me. Again, I admit that this is one of the things that keep me from the bottle of pills or the rooftop of some high rise building.
I confess that I was very angry, maybe the right word is indignant, to find that most people thought that a Christian would fail at committing suicide. The thought had passed my mind to prove them wrong. Some offered the idea that if a professing Christian committed suicide, then maybe the person wasn’t a Christian in the first place. The premise of this argument is that most suicides are born out of hopelessness and a Christian would not be in this position since we have a hope in Christ. I don’t think so. Christians, as much as we have hope in Christ, are still human. We still get depressed, we can get sad, and we can find ourselves feeling hopeless. In other words, we still bleed. And bleed we do sometimes. I know people who receive compliments each and every day about how pretty they are but never believe. They don’t accept the sincere praise. Same thing with this hope. I think it’s a matter of clinging to it and sometimes clinging to it like a madman. This is especially tricky when one’s emotions and situation become overwhelming because the bad things seem more real than God. God bless those who manage to do so. Some, like me, slip and fall and slip and fall again and I’m so sorry if I seem like such a weakling. Okay, I’m mad.
One guy I asked answered that a Christian will not be allowed to die until it is his time to be with the Lord and so a true Christian who tries to make an early check-out will fail to do so. I can’t argue with the point. A mental picture of me dangling by some rope and still breathing flashed in my mind and it made me laugh. Oh well, I am thankful that He is sovereign.
As for my own story, I’ve told half of it already (second paragraph). The other half is my first encounter with this spirit.
I used shrug my shoulders, roll my eyes and think “Drama, drama, drama” when someone got suicidal. I thought it was a silly, cowardly thing to do. I thought these thoughts would never occur to me. This was all back in the days when I thought that the world was mine for the taking and that I was a strong, independent, invincible woman. Now, I take it seriously. I pray and I pray for people who go contemplate such an ending.
Many have said that the thought of dying and escaping their problems, uplifts them. Media certainly has done its share in portraying the “happiness” of a person just about to leap off the top of a building. And it seems like a fairly easy thing to do. In my case, I found out that it wasn’t. Nor did I feel a certain giddiness at the idea of going. Let’s rewind.
It was in November 2003. I was back in UP for the second semester. I failed two Physics majors and it was inevitable that I was going to be a non-major. There went three years of my life. Other than that, I struggled with my past and with all these temptations. I had urges to steal, to lie and to do other stuff that most people, including my mother, never know I am capable of. It was like all the dirt in me was pushing itself to the surface and when I looked into the mirror, I was terrified of myself. I hated me. So there I was, feeling like such a loser and wallowing in the knowledge of my sins. One night, my roommate handed me Tylenol flu pills, the ones she didn’t consume when she was sick. And the weirdest thing happened. I just sat there, palming the pills, looking calm. But inside me, a battle suddenly began. My vision filled with darkness and I got this really strong urge to kill myself. I heard a lot of voices, tauting and pushing me to do it. Looking back, it seemed like a scene out of a horror movie but I know it was real. Ever read a Frank Peretti book? I was right smack of what he is so good at describing: a spiritual attack. Never did the enemy become so visually real to me. I sat there, screaming in my head for the voices to stop, screaming back at them and maybe at myself that my life wasn’t mine. It was the Lord’s and I couldn’t take it back. I began to cry in the sheer terror of the moment. I don’t know how I did it when I felt so rooted to the chair and paralyzed, but I made a run for Ate Jojee, my spiritual mentor, who lived down the hall. Amazingly, I caught her just coming out of her room and collapsed into her and cried and screamed for help. She held me, prayed for me and stayed with me. For a week or so after that incident, I let Ate Jojee keep all my pills and my scissors. I needed her to be at my side when I did my quiet times and prayed because suddenly I needed some sort of back-up. I could not handle another encounter with darkness alone for some time.
Some people get uncomfortable when I tell them this. But, really, that is what happened, as best as I can describe it. My point in telling my story is this. The knowledge that my life was the Lord’s kept me from taking my life then. That same fact is what holds me back today. I gave my life to the Lord some three years ago. It is His to guide, direct and use. And I am thankful that it’s His. What would have happened if it weren’t?
I am depressed and very worried about what is going to happen this week. And so I pray for grace and strength. CS Lewis wrote:
“We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.”
Somehow, I’ll be okay. I have to believe that. Because God has plans for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future. And so, praise the Lord, oh my soul, and forget not the good things he does for me.
May we all find His grace sufficient in whatever battle we may be in.
The Sucide Diaries: Part Quatre
Written May 7, 2005 at the R2D Symposium
I’m at a symposium organized by our church on the right to die. The panel consists of Pastor William Girao, Dr. Ken and Atty. Tess (can’t remember their surnames. I’m so used to calling them Kuya Ken and Ate Tess). We’re going to discuss the Right to Die and I’m guessing that this idea is just one of those reactions to the Terry Schiavo case. Most of the crowd is people from the morning service. Salve and me are the only students around.
I turned down a date with my best pal to attend this thing. I’ve always been against euthanasia and along with abortion, it is one of things I don’t pass up the opportunity to learn more and voice my opinions. Another reason that I’m here is because I sense suicide will be discussed too. This ought to help me in my research.
---
Pastor Girao, whom many call Manong Willie (for those of you who’re wondering, “Manong” is used to show respect to people older than you just like “Kuya” and “Ate”) but I’m not comfortable calling him that, opened the symposium by reviewing the Schiavo case and making the point that the Church should be relevant to society. He said, “An issue of society is an issue of the Church. We cannot be singing choruses when the world is grappling with life and death issues. The Church must be relevant to society.” I loved it when he said that. After giving us a few more reasons why it was good to be there, he asked Atty. Tess to talk about euthanasia from the legal viewpoint.
She walked through some legal stuff (duh Kristina!) on murder and homicide, both which are characterized by premeditation and malice (goodness, it’s hard to write about these things when a lawyer is reading your blog… hi there :)…sorry I didn’t take very good notes here). Commiting/attempting suicide is not punishable by law but assisting someone in their suicide is. She walked through a couple of euthanasia cases from the United States. Found out that there has been no court case in the Philippines about euthanasia. She can’t say that euthanasia in the Philippines is legal but at the same time she can’t say it’s illegal. There are no specific laws dealing with the issue yet.
Kuya Ken talked about the six types of euthanasia and the medical ethics concerning the issue. It’s ethical to withdraw life-sustaining machines if the patient is brain dead or if it is the consensus of the family and medical staff that there is no hope. This is passive euthanasia. A patient may refuse further medical treatment and there’s nothing the doctor can do. Active euthanasia (basically means that it’s the physician’s prerogative) is not legal anywhere. Physician- assisted suicide is when a patient asks and the physician prescribes a medicine (usually a sedative) that will cause death if the patient chooses to take the prescription. The doctor isn’t liable for the prescription. If I have my notes right (everything’s so messy!!!), this type is legal in the Netherlands and some places in Europe.
Finally Pastor Girao discussed euthanasia and suicide from the Bible viewpoint. He said that the Bible has no particular comment on euthanasia and suicide but we can study the passages dealing on life etc. In principle, the Bible is all for the preservation of life. Jesus raised the dead and commanded us to not withhold food from the hungry and water from the thirsty. In the sixth commandment we are commanded not to murder or shed human blood for we are created in the very image of God. This dictates our worth as a human being, not any abnormality, infirmity or vegetative state. Euthanasia and suicide underscore God’s sovereignity. God, the Source and Giver of life, has the sole right to terminate a life. Euthanasia argues an autonomy that humans being don’t have in the first place. Adam and Eve asserted their autonomy and were cast from the Garden. The tower of Babel was asserting humanity’s autonomy from God but look what happened. We are dependent on the air we breathe and on food and water. “The right to die is therefore a product of secularism and whose other side is the right to live. Both are two sides of the same coin” He talked about abortion for some time here. We all have a responsibility to others and to God. Suicide is premeditated and planned and therefore is murder and is under the sixth commandment. So although the Bible seems silent on suicide, the sixth law covers it. There is also a thin line between euthanasia and murder. In conclusion, Pastor Girao read some quotes and Scripture, which stressed the sanctity of life and God’s sovereignty.
Shortly into the interactive discussion between the audience and the panel, Pastor Girao asserted that suicide does not automatically mean damnation.
---
It feels like I hit two birds with one stone here. I got to learn about euthanasia, suicide, abortion and my churchmates. :)
Okay, so one does not automatically send oneself to hell by killing oneself. It is certainly a sin. But not an unforgivable sin. Is there such thing as an unforgivable sin? Yes there isGod has the sovereign right to schedule our checkout times. Chew, chew, chew… Tomorrow, I’ll write the last installment.
---------------------------------
This whole thing reflects how messy my notes are. I should’ve brought a tape recorder instead. I can’t even understand some of my notes!
This whole thing reflects how messy my notes are. I should’ve brought a tape recorder instead. I can’t even understand some of my notes!
May 11, 2005
The Suicide Diaries: Part Trois
Written May 6, 2005
Now, here is where a commentary and the Google are such good pals. Went looking into the lives of the bible characters mentioned in previous entry.
Those who committed suicide:
Abimelech --- son of Gideon who did a bad job as a king (Judges 8:33-9:6). He killed sixty-nine of his seventy brothers and don’t think he spared one. The lucky guy managed to escape. (Judges 9:5). In battle, a woman struck him on the head and he requested his armor bearer to drive a sword through him so that it would not be said that a woman killed him (Judges 9:54). Basically committed suicide to avoid shame.
Samson --- want to skip browsing his file because of Hebrews 11 and I can’t really say it was suicide. It seems more of martyrdom, such as the kamikaze pilots. Okay, they were suicide pilots. Okay, I don’t know which came first in his case, wanting to kill himself or wanting to kill his enemies. In essence, he died for a cause he believed in or to get revenge.
King Saul and his armor bearer --- a well-known guy who did really good at first in his job as Israel’s first king. Then things started going downhill after his unlawful sacrifice (1 Samuel 13:8-14). In a battle with the Philistines, Saul gets depressed over the outcome and over the words of Samuel so he takes his own sword and falls on it (1 Samuel 31:4) As for his armor bearer, I thought at first that this might be some tradition or something and he was required to kill himself. But then, why didn’t Abimelech’s armor bearer kill himself? Or at least the Bible doesn’t record it. Um, found this site that suggested he did it on impulse. *Laughs* And I thought it was tradition or a law.
Zimri --- the arsonist. He set fire to his palace and perished in it. He killed Elah and became king (1 Kings 16:8-10) but reigned only seven days. Of course his life didn’t follow this order. Ack, such messy notes.
Ahithophel --- one bitter guy. He hanged himself after his advice wasn’t taken. (2 Samuel 17:23).
Judas Iscariot --- everyone knows this guys and why he did it. The guy was depressed and guilty and if I were him, yeah, I’d kill myself.
Wow, none of these people are exemplary characters. As for the “good guys” they kept at life even if they despaired of it. God renewed their strength and, in Elijah’s case, food and water. Hmmm…
The Suicide Diaries: Part Deux
Written May 5, 2005
June and me are at Crossroads 77, a Christian Community Center. It’s a cool place---literally. We came here for the primary reason of spending some time with God somewhere air-conditioned. The heat kills. They have this prayer room here with carpets and throw pillows and candles and mini fountains. It’s such a serene place, perfect for catching a few moments with the Lord.
Reason # 2: They have this awesome library. Imagine, row after row of Christian literature and then some, all in a cozy reading environment. Since I’m doing this (dare I call it?) research on suicide, I figured here’s a good place to dig up on some information. There’s got to be a book that deals on suicide somewhere in this paradise (more on my “Glory! Glory!” reaction to any place filled with books later).
Well, I went scanning the shelves, which seems so easily said but in reality it’s a real battle: Must…not…get…this or that book just yet. Priorities Kristina!!!
Found this book by Albert Hsu entitled Grieving A Suicide. In its quest to provide bereaved people comfort regarding their loss of a loved one that died at their own hands, the book studies the moral and Biblical implications of suicide. Since I was not in need of the counseling part, I skipped right to the second chapter. My notes:
Christianity’s stance against suicide can be traced back to the influence of the theologian Augustine… he declared that suicide was never justifiable, even for those who killed themselves to avoid being raped during the sack of Rome. Suicide, for Augustine, was self-murder and thus a violation of the sixth commandment.
By the sixth and seventh centuries, the church had officially codified its opposition to suicide. 13th century theologian Thomas Aquinas wrote “Suicide is always a mortal sin, as being contrary to the moral law…” The Church excommunicated suicides and forbade Christian funerals for them. In medieval times, suicides’ corpses were publicly desecrated by civil authorities.
Most citizens of medieval Christendom believed that to die unforgiven without confession of sins, leads to damnation or at least purgatory. Based on such understanding, many Christians throughout church history have considered suicide an unforgivable sin because it allows no possibility of repentance.
Does they mean repentance as in confession with the priest in attendance… I think they call that the Sacrament for the Sick. Anyway, this strikes me as a little silly. People don’t ask priests to attend their suicides… And for that matter, what happens to those who die in accidents?
Dietrich Bonhoeffer argued that to expect complete repentance in the final moment of our life is unrealistic, observing “Many Christians have died sudden deaths without having repented of their sins.”
Thank you. So much for the history and discussion of the morality of suicide. As for suicide in the Bible, Hsu continues:
The Bible records seven acts of suicide: Abimelech (Judges 9:52-54), Samson (Judges 16:28-31), King Saul and his armor bearer (1 Samuel 31:4-6), Ahithopel (2 Samuel 17:23), King Zimin (1 Kings 16:18) and Judas Iscariot (Matthew 27:3-5). All these accounts are straightforward narratives; none offers any particular comment on the act of suicide… Even though Scripture does not explicitly condemn suicides, the narratives all depict the suicide’s fate negatively. The stories were meant to be instructive… portraying biblical suicides not as examples to be followed but as cautionary warnings of how not to go. While Scripture casts all suicides in negative light, this does not mean that suicide always eternally separates the victim from God. Samson’s suicidal death did not exclude him from the list of the faithful in Hebrews 11.
Interestingly enough, the Bible also records stories of at least seven people who despaired of life but did not go the way of suicide: Rebekah (Genesis 27:46), Rachel (Genesis 30:1), Moses (Numbers 11:10-15), Elijah (1 Kings 19:4), Job (Job 6:8-13), Jonah (Jonah 4:3) and Paul (2 Corinthians 1:8-9). These are positive role models for us…we should follow their example.
Hsu writes in Hope for the Suicide, addressing those who grieve a suicide:
…understand that salvation and forgiveness of sins are more a relational matter of being a follower of God than a transactional matter of repenting of every misdeed. Many Christian traditions agree that a person will not be judged on the nature of his or her death but rather on the matter of his or her life. One act does not necessarily in validate a person’s entire life, especially if an act of desperation is completely uncharacteristic of that person’s demonstrated moral identity. God will be fair. He is the righteous Judge. God, infinite in knowledge, knows all of [their] circumstances. He knows [the person’s] heart and commitment to faith. He will respond to [the person’s] life and death with complete fairness and understanding.
The miracle of salvation is that God can forgive even the most heinous sinner (Here, Hsu mentions some examples). No one is beyond hope. Suicide might be a sin, but it’s a sin like all other sins. It doesn’t necessarily mean that this person is in hell.
Christianity affirms that at conversion God forgives all our sins --- past, present and future, once and for all. Christian salvation is not dependent on whether a person was able to “wipe the slate clean” at the moment of death, but rather whether the person was walking in relationship with God in life.
From “Is Suicide Unforgivable?”, Christianity Today, July 10, 2000:
Theologian Lewis Smedes was asked, “Is suicide unforgivable?” his response was, “Will Jesus welcome home a believer who died at her own hands? I believe He will, tenderly and loving. My Biblical basis? It is the hope-giving promise of Romans 8:32 that neither life nor death can separate a believer from the love of God in Christ Jesus.”
Smedes points out that most people who choose suicide do not so much choose death as stumble into it from a steep slope of despair. Many who kill themselves are not people sticking their fists in the face of God. These are children who look at their own faces and hate what they see. We should worry less about whether suicides go to heaven and more about how to help the suicidal find hope and meaning.
Okay, have a lot to go chew on now. Reminder to myself: Look up those bible characters and study them. What made them do it? What kept them from the act? The last guy, Smedes, has a very good point. Lord, keep me sane and clinging like crazy to You.
May 09, 2005
May 08, 2005
The Suicide Diaries: Part Une
Written May 4, 2005
I was paralyzed on my bed this afternoon, willing the sun to just go done so that the mercury could drop by some degree. I just let my thoughts free flow. Suddenly I was thinking about suicide: Do suicides really end up in hell? Was suicide really an “unforgivable sin”? The prevailing idea is that those who take their own lives hoping to end their misery end up instead eternally damned. Say then, if I, a born-again Christian, should take my life by say overdosing, would my last act invalidate my assurance of eternal life in heaven?
I had been raised on the idea that answered yes to all the questions above. I never really questioned the whole thing before. But now, it seems like a study of contradictions.
Issue one: Is there such thing as an unforgivable sin? If suicide is an unforgivable sin, then that would mean that Jesus’ death on the cross doesn’t cover all sins.
Issue two: In the case of a Christian, does he go to hell for suicide? Doesn’t this go against the assurance of salvation?
Hmmm…The two are so entwined.
What does the Bible say on suicide? Hah! This makes for a good Bible study. Feel nice sense of adventure rippling through me. Lord, as I seek Your Truth, help me understand and discern, grant me wisdom and an open, teachable heart. You know all my thoughts.
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This is what I've been busy with last week. Everything is in my writer's notebook and I will get around to typing the rest someday. Bear with my procastination. Think of it as Star Wars only influence on me: long gaps between the sequels.
May 06, 2005
have to keep at it somehow
Me and Joy hooked up online and here's part of the conversation. I figured someone else might be in the same place we are and might be able to relate. God bless people!
Krissy: hmmm...i hate this
Joy: what?
Krissy: well, not exactly hate. but now's one of those times when purity is tagged with a high price.
Joy: you said. I've been struggling myself. It's like a freakin' rollercoaster ride
Krissy: and a viscious cycle sometimes.
Joy: how true... I keep asking God to rebuild my crumbling house of faith... do you think He's not tired of all the repetitions?... I sometimes think He is
Krissy: well, the Bible says He isn't so we'll just have to go with that.
Krissy: Although, more often than not, it definitely does seem like He is... and sometimes, I wish we could just start on another thing and leave the other a crumbled heap.
Joy: yeah, one of these days, I feel He will throw His hammer at me
Krissy: nyehe, well...if he ever does that He'll make sure it hits you so that another part if dealt with and you're actually better off being hit than not at all...i think.
Krissy: i meant "is dealt with"
Joy: I dunno man, I feel like hitting my head against the wall
Joy: I'm too stubborn although I don't want to be
Krissy: man, it seems like one big lull, this walk with God. like nothings happenning...
Krissy: yeah, I know. me too. I pray Lord I wanna be like this and then right after I say amen, I go and do it.
Joy: I know, sometimes you feel like walking off the race track, but at the same time you can't bear to
Joy: but you won't move
Krissy: because there's no other track...
Krissy: and yet the track ahead doesn't seem any better.
Krissy: and if you just could, you'd begin walking back to that part where things actually happened.
Joy: I know, we pitiful pitiful creatures
Krissy: sometimes I get depressed just looking at myself in the mirror.
Joy: I know me too man, I just can't understand myself
Krissy: I seriously believe that the Christians who die at their own hands don't do it shaking their fists at God. Rather, they look in the mirror, get overwhelmed by shame and guilt and hate what they see in it.
Krissy: sometimes it even gets to the point where reminding yourself of who you are is painful and reminding yourself of His infinite patience and love is absurd.
Krissy: but you somehow have to keep at it.
Joy: I know, man. Tsk, sometimes I lie awake at night feeling so angry at myself because I'm hopeless, you know?
Krissy: yeah I know.
Krissy: when I get like that, I go to sleep right away...joke. it's our pride. I think if we were to have some kind of imrovement in ourselves, the knowledge that we got over something, the number of days/weeks/months that we have managed to not commit this certain sin, all this will go into our heads. and God knows it.
Joy: so what do we do?
Krissy: and if in this way, we would learn to trust Him to love us, to be patient with us and to forgive, He would take us this way.
Krissy: I honestly don't know. I think, or at least what i try to do, is to will myself to trust Him and know that I will never be perfect but that whatever I do right is done by Christ inside me, Christ increasing in me and not by me.
Krissy: and so I pray that He continue to tear me apart (but gently please) to make room for Him. Because who I am right now is really freaky.
Joy: Ditto
--0--
Krissy: hmmm...i hate this
Joy: what?
Krissy: well, not exactly hate. but now's one of those times when purity is tagged with a high price.
Joy: you said. I've been struggling myself. It's like a freakin' rollercoaster ride
Krissy: and a viscious cycle sometimes.
Joy: how true... I keep asking God to rebuild my crumbling house of faith... do you think He's not tired of all the repetitions?... I sometimes think He is
Krissy: well, the Bible says He isn't so we'll just have to go with that.
Krissy: Although, more often than not, it definitely does seem like He is... and sometimes, I wish we could just start on another thing and leave the other a crumbled heap.
Joy: yeah, one of these days, I feel He will throw His hammer at me
Krissy: nyehe, well...if he ever does that He'll make sure it hits you so that another part if dealt with and you're actually better off being hit than not at all...i think.
Krissy: i meant "is dealt with"
Joy: I dunno man, I feel like hitting my head against the wall
Joy: I'm too stubborn although I don't want to be
Krissy: man, it seems like one big lull, this walk with God. like nothings happenning...
Krissy: yeah, I know. me too. I pray Lord I wanna be like this and then right after I say amen, I go and do it.
Joy: I know, sometimes you feel like walking off the race track, but at the same time you can't bear to
Joy: but you won't move
Krissy: because there's no other track...
Krissy: and yet the track ahead doesn't seem any better.
Krissy: and if you just could, you'd begin walking back to that part where things actually happened.
Joy: I know, we pitiful pitiful creatures
Krissy: sometimes I get depressed just looking at myself in the mirror.
Joy: I know me too man, I just can't understand myself
Krissy: I seriously believe that the Christians who die at their own hands don't do it shaking their fists at God. Rather, they look in the mirror, get overwhelmed by shame and guilt and hate what they see in it.
Krissy: sometimes it even gets to the point where reminding yourself of who you are is painful and reminding yourself of His infinite patience and love is absurd.
Krissy: but you somehow have to keep at it.
Joy: I know, man. Tsk, sometimes I lie awake at night feeling so angry at myself because I'm hopeless, you know?
Krissy: yeah I know.
Krissy: when I get like that, I go to sleep right away...joke. it's our pride. I think if we were to have some kind of imrovement in ourselves, the knowledge that we got over something, the number of days/weeks/months that we have managed to not commit this certain sin, all this will go into our heads. and God knows it.
Joy: so what do we do?
Krissy: and if in this way, we would learn to trust Him to love us, to be patient with us and to forgive, He would take us this way.
Krissy: I honestly don't know. I think, or at least what i try to do, is to will myself to trust Him and know that I will never be perfect but that whatever I do right is done by Christ inside me, Christ increasing in me and not by me.
Krissy: and so I pray that He continue to tear me apart (but gently please) to make room for Him. Because who I am right now is really freaky.
Joy: Ditto
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