Gillian thought this was morbid...

...maybe so. It looks like someone's foot lost a toe or something. Gillian thought I was looking at an emergency room photo. But I just took a picture of me just prepping my feet for some ballet exercises. The look on Gillian's face was priceless though.

Happy Ending to Mad Season

My parents were able to go inspect the damage out in the fields today and Mom texted with some good news...and some not-so-good news. More than half of the crop has been voided but the remaining part is going to survive. My parents wanted to have it replanted but Kuya Ranie (the farmer in charge) is still mourning (Mom said he actually cried during the inspection and I don't blame him for doing so---farming is hard work) and he doesn't want to replant.

The good news is that all the farmers who get their fertilizers from my parents' shop have sufferred no blows to their crops so they'll hopefully get good harvests. That means they'll be able to pay after harvest and our meager capital in the shop can start rolling again. That's hoping no more rains come in and that none of the gazillion things that threaten good harvests show up.

*****
I have to get it off my chest folks. And I’m trying to do so in the most sober and sincere manner.

I ask forgiveness from all the people I’ve Bible bashed. It’s a heady feeling when a surge of self-righteousness grabs you and that happens to me a lot. I’m sorry I wasn’t gentle with you, that I didn’t love you and that I screamed at you for the speck in your eye when I had a plank in mine. I’m sorry for looking down on you instead of getting down on my knees beside you to help you.

I don’t know why I did this. I haven’t been bashed over the head today. Not that I know of anyway. I’m really dense sometimes so I guess the bashing does me more good than harm. But today while I was walking back to the dorm I remembered Mandy Moore in “Saved” throwing her Bible at the lead star and screaming “I am full of the love of Christ!” Somehow, the image of me doing that instead of Mandy Moore popped up in my head and I was horrified.

So, I’m sorry to everyone I’ve ever did some subtle Bible throwing at. Please be patient with me, for I am a work in progress. As for myself, I have to patient too and trust that He who started a good thing in me will finish it to the end.

*****

This evenings sermon sent me home full of things to sit down with journal, coffee and Bible and think about. I was late for the service and I didn't get everything but the part I did hear was enough. It was on being a good steward of everything God has given us.

I'm deeply thankful for every gift God has given me. I was made in His image, my heart reflects His, and my breath is His. My unique childhood; my weird teenage years; my education; the oppurtunities I have been given, taken or not; my complex personality; the wacky but warm family I go home to; the friends who stand by and hold my hand; the mentors who teach me and lead me; the church and communities that discipline, teach, help me grow and let me serve; the desires I sometimes don't understand; the talents I have unearthed and those yet to be discovered---everything I have and all that I am He has so graciously given and bestowed on me.

While these thoughts and feelings of gratitude and joy warm me, they also terrify me. All these are great gifts. All these are great responsibilities too. That side to the coin overwhelms me for I know I am lacking in both wisdom and disipline to manage them, let alone use them. But at the end of days, my Lord will seek an accounting of everything and I do not want Him to find me overly mediocre. It is not that I fear He will turn me away or cease to love me. I know nothing around me or in me will ever separate me from His love. But it the very thought that He loves me that makes me want Him to find delight in me, that makes me desire to be all that I can be for His glory.

And so,for the gifts and talents I now know I have, I pray that God give me wisdom and grace to use them and develop them. For the time and wealth He grants me, I pray for discipline and the grace to realize the sufficiency I have in Him and not in that nice thing at the mall. I pray that I will remember that I am doubly owned by God because He has not only created me but He has bought me with a price. And just not any price, but the price of the very blood and life of His Son. And when I fall, I pray that I will not lose heart but remember and listen hard to His voice of truth.

"Every one to whom much is given, of him much be required." Luke 12:48

P.S. Kuya Butch, how about speaking more often?

Updates

I spruced up The Studio a bit. I know it's been somewhat abandoned but I feel like getting it back into shape again. =) Do drop in sometime. I can't promise coffee though. =)

Mad Season

Mom texted me early this morning with bad news: The maize crop has been ruined due to the rains (we own some land and manage the land of our relatives who are abroad). It also affects my parents' fertilizer business because if the harvest is poor or if people have to plant a second crop, chances are, farmers won't be able to settle the debt on the fertilizers my parents distribute to them. A good portion of our finances has been invested in that business.

It's sad news not just for my family but for a lot of families back home. Our town is a very agricultural one, populated by folk who depend on the harvests of rice and corn for their lives. And farming is backbreaking work.

My parents are worried and all. I'm sad and worried too. But I'm glad for one thing. My Mom's early morning panic text string ended with a message that said, "Nina, let's just pray and trust God on this."

My Mom hasn't said that in ages.

Soaked in Preservative Fluids

...namely two coffees, two mugs of lemon tea, one Coca-Cola and one Sprite. It's amazing my stomach is holding out under the siege.

I feel like someone called me up and told me someone I loved died. My mouth hangs slack and I can't string together words into decent sentences. Sunday night's talk amounts to a funeral anyway, a funeral of almost five years of friendship. I want desperately to care, to shout, to cry, to pray but if I allow myself to open those gates one inch, I'll feel like I'm in the coffin along with the dead and I'm not ready for it.

I should wallow. But like Rory, I choose to make To Do lists and schedules. This is how I mourn.

Thank you for those who have been holding my hand.

Wishful Thinking

From Gilmore Girls, Episode 1, Season 1:

Lorelie: What am I going to do?! Where will I get all that money?
Sookie: Oh I know! My car! We could sell my car.
Lorelie: Sookie, no one wants your car.
Sookie: Oh, yeah. Right.

You know, I wish I could have a conversation like that and not fear that I’ll be sobbing later in the night.

The Way Things Are

At the end of the day, I have a bunch of rants about things that could have been better that day or things I think God's holding out on me. I complain about not having the money to buy that DVD at the store or about not having somebody to go out on a date with. I rant about the bad food in the cafeteria, the mess in Room 122, the plainness of my wardrobe, and the bad job the staff did at cleaning the toilets.

I complain about not being a good friend and about the lack of good friends. I complain about not being good enough or about all the talents I wish I had or about the lack of time...etc. etc. etc.

But for every single thing that I complain about, God always seems to give me a solid and firm reason to stop. He makes me think about all the things that did go well, about why things didn't go that well, and about the things I don't have yet and somehow I end up almost reluctantly admitting that, indeed, I lack nothing. I don't quite understand how He does this. It's fun to complain, you know. More fun when someone starts ranting along and you both end up having a Rant Fest. But with God, as much as He humors me at times, I end up being silent.

And the worst thing about knowing that I lack nothing is that I have to face this great, gaping hole in me that I can't figure out what to fill it with. And God always brings me back to this hole I shove out of my consciousness first thing in the morning.

I'm guessing it's just our nature to try to find our satisfaction on our own and try to find it in things that are seen. But there's a part of me that only God can know, and satisfy, and fill.

A younger sister prayed over me last week and she prayed that God would break me. You know what? I was shaking my head at her in sheer shock. Good thing she was sitting across me with her eyes closed in prayer while I was having the fit. Brokenness? NO WAY!!! I used to pray those prayers but now I know what it means, I think it's only common sense to not appreciate it when someone comes along and prays that for you and I'm not even sure she knew what she was praying for...Erg.

I'm not making sense. Sigh.

Lord, if You're making me see this and feel this, I pray that You'd come and be real to me and fill me up. And not let me go and try to find the solution that I sense isn't down here. You know how prone I am to trying out all sorts of things to fill this gap.

Surprised

Good news and bad news but in the end all utterly unexpected. We talked today and now I have more questions than ever. When forgiveness is offered for something you never said sorry for, when a covenant is made and then forgotten or ignored, when "levels" become an issue, when one is terrified of facing the mirror, when one is without friends...What comes next?

I'll write a letter. So go ahead, call me a coward. I know I am one.

---

I am haunted by his downturned face and air of despondence. If he were real, I'd stand beside him and hold his hand, and together we will look downcast, alone and fragile.

Turn my Black Roses Red

This morning, I decided to take a long bath, treat myself to a pedicure, and then put on the most chic ensemble I can dig out of my closet. Only then would I head out into the world, coffee in hand while other hand casually flips hair over my shoulder. And then I might feel better about myself, about my exams and the world in general.

Shallow eh?

But as I walked out of the door, bath basket and towel in tow, the sight of another glorious morning made me close the door, drop my basket and towel and sit on the bed.

Lord, today, I need for You to be real to me. I am lonely, there are things I feel I need, there are people I feel I can stop caring for and there's a world out there that annoys me right now. But then there's that sky and it's speaking Your new mercies for today. I want to know You more. Won't You walk with me today Lord? And the maybe my hair, my skirt and my coffee won't seem as important...

The Oddest Things

*** I found myself jogging along the most peculiar character this evening. He was keeping up a good pace in his jogging---and in his smoking. He was puffing on cigarettes, smoke billowing behind like an automobiles exhaust. I stayed behind him, thinking he'd surely stop at one stick, seeing as he was jogging. But he lit another one, and then another one. And all this while jogging. I had to overtake him after the third stick.

*** I always have this need to read four books at a time. Of course, I don't literally read them at the same time. I mean, I don't finish one then move on to another. I have to have a variety of books for my various moods. Right now, Agatha Christie's The Big Four, Paulo Coelho's The Fifth Mountain, Jan Winebrenner's Intimate Faith and Rebecca Well's The YaYa Sisterhood is keeping me company in bed.

*** Two toe nails are turning brown and that's nothing odd. But there's one nail that's turning creamy white... Weirdness. I can't exactly call it bruising, now can I?

*** I was a little piqued at my pointe shoes so I tried standing on them just to break them. But they're still so hard. Man, these are a tough pair!

*** My brothers have opted to take summer classes. So I'll be making the journey across the Pacific on my own. That's if I pass all my subjects and if I won't be a bother over there. Silly visa might get revoked. They give you a ten year visa but they can take it away if you don't use it...

*** I had an asthma attack. I didn't touch any cats, I don't think there's a lot of pollen in the air right now, I just changed my sheets and cleaned my room and I didn't get exposed to much pollution today. Cause of attack is therefore unknown.

Sugar Rush

Here I am, three Coke Lights, two Oishi Pillows and two apples later, so high on the sugar rush that I feel like I can do five fouettes(see picture below). But I still can't. Durg!

Today started out a little weirdly. I showed up at the Morning Service because Kuya Butch tells me I'm needed. There are other Sunset service people there too. We end up getting a gift in recognition/thanks for helping the church. It was nice but weird. I read about what was going to happen on the post on the Sunset Yahoo group, but I didn't think it would push through. The church thanking me is an alien idea. I'm not sure why right now. But thanks to DCBC for being a great community and for the oppurtunities for service that I've had among you.

Guys, it's ACLE on Thursday. DCF is holding one at Molave on fantasy, films, and faith. It'll be a discussion on Harry Potter, Chronicles of Narnia, Lord of the Rings and the Da Vinci Code movies and Christian spirituality. Do come and hang with us if you're free on Thursday afternoon. =)

I finally have my own copy of "Only You", that Korean series on Channel 2. My roommates are rooting for Jonathan but I'm a TJ-girl. I can relate to his character. I'm selfish and immature and if I ever do get into a relationship, I'll probably be doing all the wrong things he's doing. I'd need to have someone like Gillian to love me and be patient with me. So it's probably a good idea that I'm single right now and that I'll be single for a couple(?) more years. I'd like to be married around 27 and have kids around 30, but it's God's plans that will come through and I'm open to them.

It's embarrassing how I want to do so much and be so independent and yet want to have a man by my side for the rest of my life, and perhaps a family too. But that's the way God made women. We long for adventure, a part in a bigger story, to be Arwen or Eowyn and yet we long for romance too, to have an Aragorn, to have someone stand for us and lend us strength. I am indebted to John and Stasi Eldredge and their book "Captivating: Unveiling the Heart of a Woman" for these revelations. I recommend it to every woman who asks why she is who she is and wants to know what God intends her to be.

And I am thankful because I don't have to wait for a guy to come along before I can take part in adventures, or be romanced or have my beauty unveiled. For the Lord romances me and answers the question my heart asks, "Am I captivating?".

Shalom everyone.

Weird Weeping Moments

I cried last night before I slept thinking: Will this friendship weather one more storm?

I cried this morning because I felt great to have another day.

I cried in the shower because I felt so blessed by God through the people He has sent to encourage me and urge me on. Thank you for your prayers.

I cried in the afternoon because I was feeling frustrated at my inability to stick to my schedule.

I cried this evening after ballet because it was great to be back in the studio and dance again, and it was sad when we had to leave but also quite a relief because my feet are killing me.

I cried during my quiet hour because I need God in my life and I'm feeling broken and fragile and it's such a beauty to know God is here with me and loves me and maybe this place of brokeness has its perks. Like joy and wholeness and peace and a gaze on the Lord. I'm prone to focus on me so this is nice, having a different perspective of things.

It's nice to know that He stores up my tears.

Ten Digits a-aching in Tough Shoes

I've been doing pointe work weekly since November and I must have really weak feet. My pointes haven't broken in yet. I can't demi-pointe and it doesn't hug my barely-there arch. If anything, I hope this means that these shoes are tough enough to last me until I have another P3,000 to spend on a new pair. I've worn out my toe pads already so I have to get a new pair. I bought extra ones last year but they got lost along with the toe tape, extra ribbon and elastic in the backstage mess of the cantata.



I did some exercises this afternoon and then took a picture of my coup-de-pied. See the sole of the shoes doesn't even curve! Let's not even bother about my turn-out!

Here's what it should look like (these are Jackye's feet):



Still, I'm okay. A ballet mistress said it takes fifteen years to master the art of pointes and I've been at this for only two months.

God help me be the best I can be here. The fact that I am a beginner, an adult one at that, and that I be dancing as worship (not for people who are paying $60 for the show)is no excuse for me to remain sub-par. The fact that I I have this amazing God who has redeemed me and who loves me gives me even more reason for excellence, not just in ballet, but in everrything that I do.

Hah! Easier said than done! So I pray for help.

A Few Notes

I have nothing profound to say.

We had our first ICF for the year and I’m thankful. We talked about peace and the wholeness we have in God. The amazing truth that we lack nothing (see 2 Peter 1:3) is incredibly beautiful and freeing.

Me and mom have gotten addicted to Only You (the Korean series on Channel 2). As usual, I have a thing for the guy who doesn’t know how to love, and who’s selfish and arrogant, and who doesn’t deserve to be loved, etc. I’m talking about TJ. I guess I have a thing for difficult men.

I am enjoying my Bayesian and nonparametric statistics subjects. That doesn’t mean I’m getting perfect scores left and right. But at least I stay awake while studying.

I am thankful that I can let go of a person because God tells me he isn’t mine, because God loves me so much and romances me, and because He helps me stare at myself in the mirror and admit to the shallowness of my emotions and to admit to myself that this particular person can never fill the gap of loneliness.

I’ve been going jogging at night. I can actually go half of the oval without stopping and that’s unbelievable. I would start wheezing after running the length of Econ to NEC before. Now, the only part of me that’s complaining is my nose. It’s so cold at night that sometimes it feels like it’s gone so numb that it’ll drop off my face. Fortunately, it’s managed to stay put.

I haven’t watched Chronicles of Narnia yet so does anyone want to come watch it with me? And does anyone want to go ice-skating? You don't have to know how. I don't know how either.

Shalom everyone.

Abyss

If my public crying is any measure, then my days seem to be getting harder by each dawn.

I feel incredibly alone. I can only wrap my blanket tighter around me as I imagine desert winds whipping the solitary figure that travels on her lands. There's no one I can run to when I need to crash into arms; there no one I can share the burdens of leadership; no one to pat my shoulder and smile at me.

I am careful now with expressing weariness in the ministry. I learned some time ago that I caused someone to stumble by my posture of hopelessness.

Our talks are at best civil, at worse sarcastic. I lost two APs to graduation and I think I'm losing the last remaining one.

For all the people in the communities I seek refuge, I might as well be walking alone. It is by no means a physical manifestation. Simply an incredibly sharp pang of loneliness.

In the midst of it all, I still believe in Emmanuel. I believe He's looking at me from across the universe and that He's looking at me extra long. And what heart will not leap at that?

[Insert suggested title here. I'm out of stock right now]

Okaaay, first day of the year was, well, like any other day. Got up at 7AM to hear Mass with the family. I must confess that I spent most of the non-sermon parts discussing the our church's recent renovations with my brothers. The priest talked about God's involvement in our lives and how we should respond to His initiative in loving us. After Mass, me and Mom talked about committing mortal sin by not going to Mass. Glad to report that she thinks it's a silly idea and that it has no Biblical basis.

It was my parents' 22nd wedding anniversary. We've never actually celebrated it and this year was no exception.

Cleaned the house, helped Mom cook lunch and dinner, made an utter mess of coleslaw, played tug-of-war with Babsy(our puppy), did stretches and barre exercises, watched Master and Commander, and updated blog. Or updating blog.

Anyway, here's a list of things I'd like to do this year:

• Achieve a GWA of at least 1.75.
• Go iceskating. It's been on hold for five years already!
• Hold regular Bible studies.
• Make more friends in my college.
• Take a lot of pictures with my digicam. Ida is giving me her old one! Yey!
• Spend summer in California and/or Florida. =)
• Learn basic Korean.
• Learn more German since I'm considering graduate studies there. Don't ask me about the financial aspect of this venture. My Mom and I haven't figured that out yet.
• Plan and take necessary steps for graduate studies.
• Execute a clean SINGLE pirouette en pointe on my left leg and another on my right leg.
• Have my grad pic taken and other graduation related things.
• Lose 10lbs. =)
• Acquire VCDs of HP1-3, LOTR trilogy, and Only You (the Korean series on ABS-CBN).
• Donate blood at least twice.
• Watch Chronicles of Narnia, Memoirs of a Geisha, and HP4.

The list goes on but I think I'll keep the rest to myself. =)

There's something in the Bible that says something about man planning a lot but in the end, it's God's plan that always happens. I sure do hope these things are part of His plan. =) And if not, I hold to the fact that His thoughts are higher than mine.