The Year in Blog Quotes

It's just not possible---that she'll die because of her lung irritations. But, yes, she is dying. And so am I. And so are you. We start to die the moment we are born.
-– January 23; When Nellie was sick and in her “Am I going to die?” mode

The Lord has taken a lot away from me this year (my days are now measured in school years)---my dreams, my comforts, even my friends. It’s been a long, painful process, this sanctification thing He has going on in me. And while people may perceive otherwise, I do not welcome this intrusion into my life. It is no happy party.
-- February 9; a depressed non-major

Kuya Butch got excited. “Why not a dance ministry Kristina?”
-– February 12; God’s answer to my prayer for another venue of service in the church.

I know the Ephesians 5:22-33 lines very well, thank you very much and need no reminding about God's principles for a Christian wife and Christian husband. We, as women, do want to please and help and love our future husbands by cooking for them. But... I wish our eligibility for marriage does not rest on that criterion (and that it wouldn't be one of the top criteria)… I do seem to recall that God made woman to be a help meet not help mate. There is more to a wife than the cooking and cleaning.
-– February 25; my reaction to a discussion on marriage with Nellie, Carlo, and Aldous.

I really don’t understand a lot of how this whole Christian spirituality thing works. The little I know of God and His whole plan, I have to cling to because there is nothing else to cling to. And so I am going to fling myself at the feet of God. I’m going to grab onto any piece of His garment with hands, feet, teeth, whatever. I’m going to hang on like a mad man to Him even during the times when I feel like I could just let go. I’m going to go after Him like crazy. I have seen what I am capable of and I just know that as much as one part of me will think that I am perfectly capable of controlling and directing my life, I desperately need Him. I have to stick with the one Being in this universe who really knows how I tick and what I’m supposed to do. Hey, He came up with the entire idea of me right? Therefore, He has got a plan for me.
-- March 16

Mikhael graduated from high school last Saturday. Was not around but, awww, my widdle brother is now off to college. Seems like just a month ago that I dropped him when he peed on me and that resulted in him hitting his head on something hard.
-- March 22

Some people have said that I should be thankful that my problems are limited only to my academic sphere. What they don’t understand is that my academic sphere is what makes up most of my life.
-– March 29

“Me and Gillian are college scholars!!!”
-- April 27

I actually get jealous sometimes. When that happens, I go bash my head on the wall to give me something else other than my love life to whine over. Head hurts a lot these days.
-– April 27; A message to my best friend after a discussion on her rather coloful love life. Mine has been drab for years.

I did not just start a Bible study on suicide. At the time the thought crossed my mind, I was seriously contemplating to commit suicide… I confess that I was very angry, maybe the right word is indignant, to find that most people thought that a Christian would fail at committing suicide. The thought had passed my mind to prove them wrong. The premise of this argument is that most suicides are born out of hopelessness and a Christian would not be in this position since we have a hope in Christ. I don’t think so. Christians, as much as we have hope in Christ, are still human. We still get depressed, we can get sad, and we can find ourselves feeling hopeless. In other words, we still bleed. And bleed we do sometimes… I am depressed and very worried about what is going to happen this week. And so I pray for grace and strength.
-– Mar 13, Written as part of the Finale to the Suicide Diaries, a project I undertook a week before the announcement of shiftees to the Statistics program.

My classmate sent another message saying “Your name, Kristina H. Mendoza, is on the list!!!” Made a beeline for the Office of the College Secretary and saw my name on the list of accepted shiftees and transferees. Stared at paper. Still couldn’t believe it.
-– May 16; on getting accepted into the BS Statistics program

Wanting to be excellent in your academics has a price just like wanting to have fun. When you decide to be strive to excellence, accept the fact that your social life will not be as exciting as most people. Don’t go complaining about how boring your life is.
--May 17

God has this crazy (crazy good) plan and has told us to go out to the nations and make disciples. On my own, I just can't do that nor can I really catch that vision. It just kinda blows me away. But church is a place where I can go to be a part of that vision, this outrageous seemingly impossible mission and do my part. Most of the time, I don't care for much beyond myself and church is where I am reminded that God intended me to care for others too.
-– May 22

Omar got kicked out of the dorm and I’m actually very proud of him.
— May 26

I'm a little frustrated with my quiet times. When I read my Bible, there's always a sentence someplace that strikes me and makes me pause a moment and for this event I am thankful. But when I try to "unpack" the stuff, I don't get anywhere. And so it is frustrating when I know I won't be able to answer it, and I'll just have to do more staring at the blackboard i.e. meditating on His Word and bringing it to the light of Christ. These spiritual disciplines truly go against the grain of my flesh.
— June 14

I love my new major. Honestly, I wonder where my dream of 18 years went all of a sudden---I'm talking about my dream of becoming a doctor---and then I realize it's still with me, in here somewhere. I guess I just took a different route to that career or I can find other ways of satisfying the desire to heal and care that is inherent in me.
-- June 17

The typhoon that’s blazing(?) its way across Luzon swerved clear of Quezon City so classes weren’t suspended today. God is making it quite clear to me that there is no escape from my classes. I hear You Father, I hear You good.
—July 5

And when you talk to any ordinary citizen trying to make ends meet in our poor country, they’re fed up of all this. So am I. So is everyone else, I think. You’d think this was all the buzz in our classrooms and dorm halls. But other than frowns, we let it drop. We want to move on. We’re too busy trying to figure out where to get the money to pay for our lodging, about our exams, about our tired parents who no longer care for this country and want their children to be out of it as soon as possible. I regret to say that the possibility of me saying these words that my mother dreads to hear from me is getting smaller by the day: “Mom, I looove the Philippines. I believe it will get better. I want to stay here and serve our nation.” You may want to snob me the next time you see me. Trust me, I've suffered for my apparent lack of nationalism too much to bleed this time.
—July 5; my thoughts on the “Hello Garci” controversy.

Comparing Kristina circa 2001 and Kristina today and I don't come up with much of an inner difference. I may know more but I certainly am not more loving/sensitive/compassionate/thoughtful. Am I becoming more like Christ or just another scribe who knows the scrolls and am I missing on the real thing?
--July 6

Kapag may sunog, gayahin natin si Ate Krissy: Magdala ng Safeguard!
-–July 18; I quoted Yam. This was her response to me bringing Safeguard with me in the mad rush to evacuate the dorm because of a fire nearby.

So has it been a month? I'm almost timid. I feel like an intruder stalking your hotel room. But that's silly. You know all my thoughts. Actually, the scenario is more like You standing in the door frame, looking at me and waiting for this poor, broken daughter of yours to step inside. We look insane. No actually, I look insane. God? I've missed You. Um, lots has been going on.
-– August 4

My major exam results are to die for and by that I mean “They’re so low, I’d like to kill myself.”
— August 6

I talked to some close friends last night about how I wasn't on speaking terms with the omnipresent God of the universe and why it didn't seem right to show up and intercede when I'm in such a state. All of them said, "Well, go have your quiet time and fix whatever's going wrong." I could have screamed at every one of them. It's just that I'm not into the whole screaming at people thing.
—August 23

It makes me wonder what would happen if I could truly understand and accept God’s love and forgiveness, if the truth of His unchanging love would indeed penetrate and cut through my pride, self-pity, guilt and fear. I actually can’t imagine such a state, me being so used to having those companions around. But I guess it would be great. I guess that would be very much like heaven.
—August 25

Speaking of splits, I was able to do a full front split on my left last night!!!
—August 27; It took almost a year of stretching to get down into it. And it still takes an hour of warm-up.

I have this love-hate relationship with striving. I love it because it makes me feel like I might actually be going somewhere with it and that I might actually be accomplishing what I ought to by it. At the same time, I know I can't do it on my own and I hate the weariness that's the major side-effect of trying to speed things up in your spiritual growth by using yourself as a catalyst.
—September 5

The sin I had clung to now seems easier to turn away from. I actually found myself walking away from another oppurtunity at temporary pleasures. That made me go "Whoa!" Humbled me a lot because that was just really His doing. I've been sleeping better since Sunday night. Not earlier. But better.
-–September 6

"I have spent half of my life without you." And that I said to a plate of Palabok, a dish I wasn't acquianted with until I was 11 years old.Now take that into consideration and try to imagine just what I'd say when I finally talk to the man Gods intends for me. Dizzying implications, I know.
--September 11

You fall in love with it and you dance and the pain is just a part of this whole thing that you fall in love with.
--September 17; a defense of my love for the painful dance of ballet

Dare I say… Sex, love, romance in ways we wouldn’t have them are always almost in programs on TV. It’s the way the world is, it’s the way most women think, it’s the way we (I?) wish my friendships were. Friends had them. Desperate Housewives have them. Ally Mcbeal had them. Bridget Jones, Jerry Maguire, Divine Secrets…etc. Let’s just say, I don’t expect it to be minus all that. I just deal with it. It may just be the irritation speaking. That and probably a lot of rationalization.
-–September 19; a defense of my viewing choices

I'm going to fail my Stat 131 unless by some sheer miraculous force.
—October 9

I passed!!!I passed my Statistics 131!
-–October 27; This meant I’ll be of senior standing next year

About the choreography, I'm dead meat. I am now back to being the clueless, worthless, choreography-less dance ministry head that I was two months ago. Now that the pressure is truly on, I'm stuck on the second stanza with no steps whatsoever popping up in my mind. I'm praying that a teacher from ballet school would be willing to choreo for free, then teach me the whole thing in a under two weeks (for free!) so I can teach it to the rest of the team and we can all practice it before the cantata. Which is to say, I am praying for a miracle.
--November 2; on the cantata dances

Teacher Mylene has permitted me to get pointe shoes!!! I'm going to start dancing on pointe!!! Of course, where I'll get the P3000 is unknown but I think that's easier to solve than the permit, right?
--November 21

The Cantata is tomorrow. The dances are fine. I've been worrying (not to mention aching and not sleeping and not eating) the whole week but just this night, I am at peace. Honestly, I don't really care if we don't get it perfect tomorrow. I don't think that's the point anymore. I mean, hey, I'd love to have a performance where we all remember the steps, we're all syncronized, etc. But in the end, I just want to know that I, we have pleased God. And I pray that all of us, in a week of practice and cramming, would have known God in a fresh, new way.
--December 3; after the night’s practice

As we made our exit after our final dance this evening, I found myself utterly overwhelmed. I could not help but weep at the Lord’s graciousness, beauty, and love. I am so unworthy and yet this! I come wanting to see His face and He meets me! I look in the mirror and see a no one and yet He tells me I am His very image. I dance for Him and He chooses the active role of dancing with me and not just watching me. I am nothing and yet He calls me beloved! Surely, all the dead toenails, aching muscles, dance mistakes, applause, cheer and comments, ragged nights and fuzzy mornings, rebukes from leaders, the fact that The Guy wasn’t there, praises from superiors, hugs, handshakes, beautiful costumes and renown CANNOT compare to HIM!
—December 4; after the cantata

I am thankful for a renewed sense of hunger to know God. I count it an early Christmas gift. For so long, I have been content with where I am with my Lord, refusing to move on. I stubbornly held my ground not wanting Jesus to say “Mine!” to any more of me. “I have to have something of my own!” I yelled at Him. In the end, I was losing out on precious moments with my Lord because I wanted to save myself.
--December 8

It's not fair that the world can easily delimit the population from which to sample my possible crushes by considering only two questions: (1) Who are the men older or as old as Ate Krissy and (2) Who are guys around her that are taller than her? I don't understand why they're interested in the first place. I'm a bore in that part of my life.
--December 15

My body is God’s temple. More than fleeing from sexual immortality, I have to keep it fit. It’s what I have to move in and serve God in while I’m here on Earth. It is His instrument. I must take care of it. Hehe...Yeah, it took me a while to reallly listen to this.
—December 22

All in all, it's been a great year. I expect no less of the coming year. Glory to God.