Growing Pains

CS Lewis was right when he described growing up in the faith as something hidden. You turn around one day and gasp. And you turn only because someone tells you about your growth. It is never something one must be fixated on (“Did I grow today? Did I? Did I?”)…

A friend of mine claims I have grown up. She says, “You’re too holy for me.”

“Really? What in the world…” I ask the heavens. Three points:

(1) I certainly don’t feel holier or more mature. If anything, I feel weaker and more immature. I have so many faults. I have so many mistakes. And I continue to make more each day. Each day I pray that I would glorify Him in all I do. At the end of the day, I feel like an utter failure. I feel useless. It is mercy indeed that I look up and still see my Lord with arms open (& it is amazing that some people still love me).

(2) And since it is something I don’t really understand or even perceive myself, I can’t see how I am not caring about those they say I have “out run”. It weighs heavily on my heart to think that if indeed I have grown, that others would be disappointed or discouraged or dismayed (or worse yet become atheists!). Or that I have somehow grown callous or proud. What sort of growth is there then if I have become those things? It’s appalling what I’ve learned about myself these past days. Who’s calling that growth?! And if His presence is with me and is making demons flee in your life, that’s supposed to free you NOT make you depressed.

(3) Please, don’t call me “holy”, not even “holier”. My skin is starts to crawl.

Yeah, I’m in a mess with one of the most important relationships I have. If I grew up and became holier, then why I am still frantically shaking the cell phone and thinking “She just doesn’t get me!” If I grew up, then why don’t I have any clue about how to patch things up? Apologizing is doing nothing and I AM sorry. Okay, I shouldn’t expect her to forgive right now.

What do I have to do? I want to make things better, heal the wounds, rebuild bridges…world peace. Honestly. Come on, it’s Christmas. Someone tell me what to do?