Written August 6: Input Tea, Output Mess

I have my donuts, my tea and what I think is my brain. Lovely. Now, on to it.

For starters, I am feeling incredibly alone. I was so desperate for someone to talk to this morning that I practically hounded Ate Jojee until she was whisked away by a Philcoa jeep. For those of you who don’t know, Ate Jojee is my super-gentle, very tough and incredibly patient discipler. Anyway, who better than to follow around like a sad puppy (which is very me right now) than her? If you’ve read my last two posts (Aug 4 and 5), you’d think all is not well in my spiritual life. That’s true. And when your relationship with God goes through these troughs (as in waves), practically everything else in your life is screwed.

This reminds me of the main reason I stopped updating “Life Under Grace”. At first, I thought I’d post the Christian stuff on Life and all the rest on the Porch. But it turned out to be a silly thing. I could hardly tell where to post a certain entry. You can’t draw a line as to how much you want God to be involved when it comes to your life. Christian spirituality encroaches (in a good way) upon every area of your life. The moment I chose to follow Him, I opened all doors to Him (I didn’t realize that at the time but like that makes a difference). But I digress.

Anyway, if the physical is any pointer to what’s happening in the spiritual (which I think it is), the I am in big trouble. My major exam results are to die for and by that I mean “They’re so low, I’d like to kill myself.” I get headaches every afternoon. I forget the simplest things. I find that I get tired so easily. I have to zest to do anything. I am way behind on my academic workload. I am cranky, irritable and have been throwing tantrums at the same rate that McDonalds serves it’s customers (every 60 seconds).

So, I’ve been dying for someone to talk to, someone who will listen and even scold me if that’s what she/he is led to do.

Unfortunately, me and The Goddess may have hit another rough spot. Again, 90% of the problem can be blamed on me. More on that some other time. Ugh. Anyway, there’s this all too familiar invisible curtain up in the middle of us (again) so that means, I have no one to talk to.

My spiritual mentor lives two rides away from the campus and I hate texting, so the only time I can talk to her is our Bible studies and at the Sunset Service.

I miss my two other “sisters”. Joy and Jazz, guys, when can we hang out again?

Well, the good thing about all this is that me and God are getting together a lot more. It’s humbling and incredibly heartbreaking to come before Him expecting anger only to find kindness and forgiveness. Truly, it’s this very thing that leads us to repentance. And with a whole bunch of stuff that has to be dealt with, I’m oddly thankful for this time of loneliness and helplessness.