The Wastelands

I slept the whole afternoon away in what Ate Ayesa would most assuredly tell me is a sign of depression if she were around. Before choosing to doze off, I thought a lot about life and me and God.

This morning, ICF facilitated the DCF prayer meeting. When I woke up at 6:40AM (the prayer meeting was at 7), I dragged myself out of bed. I most certainly did not want to show up there and lead the prayer when I wasn't okay with God. I had sinned a lot lately. Added a couple sins to that list today. And I don't feel remorseful at all. Just tired.

I talked to some close friends last night about how I wasn't on speaking terms with the omnipresent God of the universe and why it didn't seem right to show up and intercede when I'm in such a state. All of them said, "Well, go have your quiet time and fix whatever's going wrong." I could have screamed at every one of them. It's just that I'm not into the whole screaming at people thing.

Anyway, I came to the conclusion that it would was easier to show up, pretend like I wasn't "backsliding" and just do the thing and leave than having to explain to everyone or someone and then getting the same reaction for the nth time.

Is it just me or does everyone just have a single quiet time and everything is fly?!

I mean, it's not like I haven't had quiet times. I have had them although I confess that they aren't regular and they've been far and few. I've been doing things that aren't good for me and aren't pleasing to God lately so no wonder I'm unenthusiastic about talking to Him. And when I try to turn things around, it's one heck of a uphill climb. Things are on the up and up for a while and then when I get too tired of having to fight all the time, everything comes crashing down. And all ends up at a lower level than before.

I read through Irene's string of posts under Sexual Temptation and I was crying most of the time. My sentiments exactly. She puts what I'm going through in the right words. So if this doesn't make sense at all, go check in with her.

I'm very bothered really. I remember my first Bible. I gave it to a friend who came to believe in Christ and the Cross about a year ago. I was thinking this afternoon of what a wacky time she must have reading my Bible when most of the stuff is highlighted in purple and blue and there are sidenotes everywhere and randomly stuck Post-Its all over. It's sad you know. That represents a time I was so in love with the Word, when I believed in it so much I staked my entire life on it. When it was all I could talk about and think about.

Right now, my Bible spends more time lying next to me on my bed than being read. It partly reminds me of things I should be just itching to do but don't want to, like praying and going to church and all that. Sometimes, I pick it up and read because I figure it's the only healthy thing I can do or that somewhere in it, God has something to say that will break this curse on me. And sometimes I pray. I just sit there begging to make Him make me feel sorry or feel anything other than the greed and depravity of the things I do. Beg Him that He turn this around if I'm not too separated from Him.

I'm also bothered that I'm not feeling sorry. That's scary you know because it gets me thinking of how much I've rationalized this sin or how insensitive I've gotten to holiness. At the same time, it is relieving to be able to not be crazed over it, you know, being able to think about other things because you can shove it at the back of your head and it'll come bother you only during free times (like this afternoon).

Just the other night, my roommate and I discussed sin, purity and homosexuality. Looking back, I knew all about the things, about what God said about them and all. My roommate didn't think God was against homosexuality and that it wasn't her friend's fault he was gay. I very gently broke it to her through Corinthians and Romans that it was in fact a sin. You could literally see the sadness on her face to know that he was sinning. It hit her hard like it hits me hard to know that this is sin and no matter how I rationalize it, that is the unbendable, unchanging truth. I can't discount the fact that God is not pleased.

This afternoon, I also felt angry. Angry at the entire world that seemed to solve things the Intel Pentium 4 way. I don't for a second believe that anyone in my circle wouldn't laugh or look down at me when I tell them this.

This afternoon, I was like "Hey, you know this is wrong, you don't want to let go or you feel like you can't. I guess this is what Oswald Chambers calls the Great Divide. Why don't I just stop calling myself a Christian. If I'm still going though this struggle, I probably don't know God in the first place. I can't go on leading ICF, serving in the church, mentoring this amazing young woman of God. Because I am one big lie of a Christian."

Now you know why I slept the afternoon away.