After Much Delay...

The Main Course

Last Sunday, Pastor Jong gave a rather interesting message centering on relationships. Since I’m not good at relationships outside of my family, the message was very relevant and striking to me. I didn’t bring my handy dandy notebook and I couldn’t remember the verse we discussed. This explains the delay. Anyway, here’s what had me laughing (more out of nerves than joy) during the sermon:

Scripture: Matthew 13:15-18 (Thanks to Mun Onn for looking it up! :) )

Truth: I will be hurt by other Christians. This must be an unspoken expectation. We still have a sinful nature and we are but works in progress.

But what should differentiate our squabbles from the world’s is that God has shown us how to resolve these conflicts. We mustn’t avoid conflict, it’s beneficial.

But when there is conflict, what do we do?

FIVE COMMON OFFENSIVE STRATEGIES WE USE
1. The PC or “Peace at all Costs” Strategy
You pretend everything is OK.
Result: shallowness of the relationship and eventually
bitterness towards the other person.

2. The Garbage Dump Strategy
You express irritation and frustration to everyone
but the offender
Result: ruined reputations (yours and theirs)

3. The Shields Up Strategy
You draw an invisible line as a way to minimize
future personal interaction
Result: lost opportunity for growth for both parties

4. The “I don’t get mad, I get even” Strategy
When someone hurts you, you don’t deal with it
directly. You seek revenge instead.
Result: hard-heartedness and a cold relationship
with that person and with God

5. The Guessing Game Strategy
You act hurt or mad but you don’t explain why
Imagine conversation:
X – Are you mad at me?
Y – Duh
X – Why?
Y – You don’t know why?!
Result: Self-pity and distancing. The other person becomes
sick and tired of guessing.

PROPER CHRISTIAN STRATEGIES FOR HANDLING CONFLICT

God wants conflicts to be solved so that there is spiritual growth in both parties.

1. Privately point out the fault as you see it. “I am hurt and offended and here’s why” Strategy. Do not send written communication. This doesn’t help. You may write down your thoughts and feeling in order to sort things out but NEVER send this to the offender. It is often counter-productive because the receiver has no chance to understand and respond. Plus, written communication is often exaggerated.

2. If (1) doesn’t work, ask friends to substantiate or mediate. Seek a wise and trustworthy person. You are not responsible for the outcome but you are responsible for initiating.

3. If that doesn’t work either, request church leadership to discern and arbitrate. Take the issue to people responsible for maintaining the community dimension of your church.

FURTHER NOTES

Remember that apprehension is normal but not fatal.
Wait for the right time but do not delay unnecessarily.
Pray and go in the peace that God is with you.
Be prepared to discover you are wrong.

Peace between Christians has a high priority. Remember Matthew 5:23.

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MY REFLECTIONS:

I use strategies 1 and 4 the most. But I have used all at one time or another in the past.

I am a total coward when it comes to telling the offender how I feel. God please give me courage.

When I think I’m right, it’s so hard to say sorry. God has to knock me out a couple of times to get me to the contrite state I should be in. I am proud.

They say that there are people who are EGR people or Extra Grace Required people: people who get on your nerves ALL the time. How about this? We are ALL ECG people. I am an ECG person to someone out there. I think it is all part of God’s grand plan on sharpening our countenance.

The thought to isolate myself from society to avoid pain generation on my part and on another person’s part has occurred to me often. And besides, things are much simpler like that. Unfortunately, this introverted dimension of me doesn’t correspond to God’s plan of community. Perhaps the hardest things I have to face in community, is the truth of who I am and the truth that the world does not revolve around me. Sigh. Going against my grain as usual, aren’t you God?

You did pray for me to change you. You did say you didn’t like the person in the mirror very much. I’m doing what I promised and what you asked for.

Yeah, I know, I know.