How Thoughtful, How Me: The Birthday Wishlist

Okay now, no violent reaction roommates, please. Once in a year lang ito. And I'm giving you more than 25 days to pick, save up and acquire any of the suggested items below. And in the (sad) case that none of the below catches your fancy, well, your companionship over pizza and coke would be fine. Clear your calendars for that night okay?

21 Things I Wish for on my 21st Birthday

1. Missy Higgin's Sound of White CD

2. The Company starring Neve Campbell and the Joffrey Ballet


3. Every Woman's Battle written by Shannon Ethridge

4. Ginny Owen's Beautiful CD

5. Geisha written by Liza Dalby

6. 21 CD-Rs and CD envelopes

7. A black, short-sleeved leotard

8. VCD collection of Jo In-Sung movies (see previous post)

9. Round trip bus tickets home

10. A blue or purple wrap sweater

11. Starbuck's Commuter's Cup

12. White Musk available from Body Shop

13. My own hot pot

14. A black wrap skirt for ballet

15. Candles

16. Another cute pillow

17. A huge canister of Lysol

18. A treat at a hair salon

19. The Art of Volswagen Maintenance written by Donald Miller

20. A boyfriend.........................I know you know I'm kidding here :)

21. A studio pic of us Rm 122 ladies in skirts, blouses, make-up, i.e. the whole works. Gillian, come on, just once?

Girl Talk

http://www.geocities.com/koreangalaxy3/join12.jpg

"Let's bet on who among us will be Jo In-Sung's girlfriend."

[Statements like that tend to wash me in a bucket of cynicism]

Gillian, Nellie and me were watching The Classic again on another break from our studies. I have such a crush on the the South Korean actor who plays Sang-min in the movie, Jo In-Sung.

In case you can't place him, he was also in Memories of Bali, Love Impossible and Madeleine. Granted, his acting skills in The Classic could use more humanity but he did a great job in his other projects. The guy knows how to cry man. And he's quite versatile. Okay, fine, and he's cute. Incredibly cute.

Anyway, what are the chances that anyone from Room 122 will even get as close to Jo for him to notice them? There's just no going on with the bet.

Sigh. Wouldn't it be great though?

To the Pointe#4

http://www.bailarina4ever.blogger.com.br/Maya_Dumchenko_-_Grand_jete.jpg

Me and Rei actually spent four hours at Turning Point last night. It was a long and tiring but very thrilling class. We got there around 5:30 and did barre exercises while waiting for the Level B Class. Teacher Mylene taught us some new stretches, some of which seem entirely impossible but, well, that's the same thing I was thinking when I was working on my splits.


Speaking of splits, I was able to do a full side split on my left last night!!! Nyahahaha... :) :) :)

And, I was able to execute a better grand jete, which (when done properly) is the movement seen in the picture above. Of course, in my case, my legs weren't at the 180 degree angle but somewhere around 130. And I need to work on keeping my upper body upright instead of flinging it back. In any case, I will allow myself to celebrate small victories. :)

Another new thing is that my legs have gotten fairly used to the work. This time, it's my arms and butt that are aching. Teacher Mylene spent an entire barre exercise sitting at my feet and teaching me how to lift and sustain my demi-pointe (on toes) fifth position by lifting my butt, lengthening my arms and head and basically contracting every leg muscle in me. Only now do I realize how heavy my head is. It's one of the things that can make or break you when you're standing on one leg, on your toes like this:

http://www.cecchetti.org/images/syllabus/pic_pirouette.jpg

I'll be missing class today to review for upcoming exams. I feel so deprived already.

To the Pointe #3 (formerly Diaries of a Balletomaniac)

Finally, a much more decent title for all posts on dance (particularly ballet), me and God.

---0---

I’m actually dreading ballet class today. I’ve got so much work to do that I know will never get done when I get back from my three hour [labor intensive] classes later. As of today I have four exams lined up for next week, all of them memory-intensive. One requires careful listening skills. One requires practice in programming language and unfortunately, Turbo Basic simply does not want to run on my laptop. The other two are simply mass murderers of brain cells.

So I’ve decided to go today, knock myself out and make up for the backlog tomorrow. Tomorrow, I’ll skip class. Next week, I’ll be skipping my Friday class to cram for my Saturday exam. Well, I guess I should make up for all my absences by doing my stretches and releves everyday.

---0---

The Music Team at church have come up with a temp line-up for the Christmas Cantata. We, the Dance Ministrry people, have to decide whether to dance to one of the songs in the line-up or to go with something else. Here's the line-up so far:

God of Wonders
Dare you to Move - Switchfoot
Speechless- Steven Curtis Chapman

I've been listening to all three lately, trying to get a feel for one of them so I can try choreographing it. I've been taken by God of Wonders. I asked Janna to try her hand at Dare You to Move.

I am a little panicked by the fact that so far, in my five days of listening to the song, I have no steps whatsoever. Which is funny (in a bad way) because before, I just immersed myself in a piece of music and I could imagine steps to it after some time. Or I'd just stand still in the middle of our room, play the music and move in whatever way the music made me. Perhaps the downtime in my spiritual life is a major factor of this. Sigh.

And then perhaps this might be what Ate Hazel calls the second phase of dance education under God. The first part is when you learn that God is your audience. He is the one you are dancing for and He's all you see in the theater. The second part is learning that God dances with you. He is doing the same steps, giving you those steps and helping you do them.

Yeah, I'm still pretty much fixated on the God is my audience part.

My pride. Tsk tsk tsk.

Anywhere but Here

Today has been one of my better days. So far. So much can happen during the remaining 9 hours of the day that can make me retract that statement.

I mean, on the outside, things are as hectic as ever. My Stat 131 professor finished the coverage for our third exam today and we haven’t even had our second exam yet! I’m still stuck in the second exam lessons so I don’t have time to process what’s going on in class right now and I just know that when the second exam is over, I will be on a major, major, major(!) backlog in my studies in this subject. Arg! To think, this is the gateway to almost all my subject next semester. I can’t fail this thing.

Other than that, I have machine problems to do for my programming class and this music CD to listen to for my music class. Oh, right, I also have a Stat 135 exam on September 3.

I'm not even dreaming of getting a 1.75 average this semester.

Man, when this is all over, I am heading straight for Starbucks and getting myself a rhumba and apple pie. Or if finances and schedule permit, I’ll go ice-skating. [Hey Joy! Sama ka nga pala sa birthday celebration ko, wherever we might go. TBA ang venue.]

ICF’s on tonight and by His grace alone will it work. At least I still firmly believe that God can work around me and through me despite me. Does that make sense?

Last night, me and Nellie watched The Interpreter. It was good. Something I’d watch again. It made me add “Look up the United Nations” in my project list. I realized I don’t know much about it and all but I am inspired by (what I think) the people are trying to do there. And I don’t just mean Angelina Jolie.

Last night, I picked up my Bible and my devotional and my journal. Huge thing for me, so thank You God. I read through Romans 6, the dead to sin, alive to Christ part. Can’t say I was very excited. Repeating “Sin will have no dominion over you” part in my head during my sad moments is helping though. Thanks for all you prayers and feedback.

Again, I’ve realized that once you’ve accepted God’s existence intellectually, it makes it almost impossible to deny He exists. So if I ever walk away from God, it’s not for reasons like “He doesn’t exist” or He’s not real” but for reasons like identity, emotions and perhaps persecution. Although I think persecution would make me follow Him, err, more(?). The intellectual belief/knowledge helps a lot. It persists in reminding you of who He is and what He’s done for you and how all of that beautiful stuff is indeed real. So even when your heart doesn’t believe, your mind keeps shoving the truth into your chest which I guess is God’s doing too.

It makes me wonder what would happen if I could truly understand and accept God’s love and forgiveness, if the truth of His unchanging love would indeed penetrate and cut through my pride, self-pity, guilt and fear. I actually can’t imagine such a state, me being so used to having those companions around. But I guess it would be great. I guess that would be very much like heaven.

The Wastelands

I slept the whole afternoon away in what Ate Ayesa would most assuredly tell me is a sign of depression if she were around. Before choosing to doze off, I thought a lot about life and me and God.

This morning, ICF facilitated the DCF prayer meeting. When I woke up at 6:40AM (the prayer meeting was at 7), I dragged myself out of bed. I most certainly did not want to show up there and lead the prayer when I wasn't okay with God. I had sinned a lot lately. Added a couple sins to that list today. And I don't feel remorseful at all. Just tired.

I talked to some close friends last night about how I wasn't on speaking terms with the omnipresent God of the universe and why it didn't seem right to show up and intercede when I'm in such a state. All of them said, "Well, go have your quiet time and fix whatever's going wrong." I could have screamed at every one of them. It's just that I'm not into the whole screaming at people thing.

Anyway, I came to the conclusion that it would was easier to show up, pretend like I wasn't "backsliding" and just do the thing and leave than having to explain to everyone or someone and then getting the same reaction for the nth time.

Is it just me or does everyone just have a single quiet time and everything is fly?!

I mean, it's not like I haven't had quiet times. I have had them although I confess that they aren't regular and they've been far and few. I've been doing things that aren't good for me and aren't pleasing to God lately so no wonder I'm unenthusiastic about talking to Him. And when I try to turn things around, it's one heck of a uphill climb. Things are on the up and up for a while and then when I get too tired of having to fight all the time, everything comes crashing down. And all ends up at a lower level than before.

I read through Irene's string of posts under Sexual Temptation and I was crying most of the time. My sentiments exactly. She puts what I'm going through in the right words. So if this doesn't make sense at all, go check in with her.

I'm very bothered really. I remember my first Bible. I gave it to a friend who came to believe in Christ and the Cross about a year ago. I was thinking this afternoon of what a wacky time she must have reading my Bible when most of the stuff is highlighted in purple and blue and there are sidenotes everywhere and randomly stuck Post-Its all over. It's sad you know. That represents a time I was so in love with the Word, when I believed in it so much I staked my entire life on it. When it was all I could talk about and think about.

Right now, my Bible spends more time lying next to me on my bed than being read. It partly reminds me of things I should be just itching to do but don't want to, like praying and going to church and all that. Sometimes, I pick it up and read because I figure it's the only healthy thing I can do or that somewhere in it, God has something to say that will break this curse on me. And sometimes I pray. I just sit there begging to make Him make me feel sorry or feel anything other than the greed and depravity of the things I do. Beg Him that He turn this around if I'm not too separated from Him.

I'm also bothered that I'm not feeling sorry. That's scary you know because it gets me thinking of how much I've rationalized this sin or how insensitive I've gotten to holiness. At the same time, it is relieving to be able to not be crazed over it, you know, being able to think about other things because you can shove it at the back of your head and it'll come bother you only during free times (like this afternoon).

Just the other night, my roommate and I discussed sin, purity and homosexuality. Looking back, I knew all about the things, about what God said about them and all. My roommate didn't think God was against homosexuality and that it wasn't her friend's fault he was gay. I very gently broke it to her through Corinthians and Romans that it was in fact a sin. You could literally see the sadness on her face to know that he was sinning. It hit her hard like it hits me hard to know that this is sin and no matter how I rationalize it, that is the unbendable, unchanging truth. I can't discount the fact that God is not pleased.

This afternoon, I also felt angry. Angry at the entire world that seemed to solve things the Intel Pentium 4 way. I don't for a second believe that anyone in my circle wouldn't laugh or look down at me when I tell them this.

This afternoon, I was like "Hey, you know this is wrong, you don't want to let go or you feel like you can't. I guess this is what Oswald Chambers calls the Great Divide. Why don't I just stop calling myself a Christian. If I'm still going though this struggle, I probably don't know God in the first place. I can't go on leading ICF, serving in the church, mentoring this amazing young woman of God. Because I am one big lie of a Christian."

Now you know why I slept the afternoon away.

Singing it until Dawn breaks

From Jennifer Knapp's "Undo Me"

I am wanting, needing, guilty & greedy.
Unrighteous, unholy undo me undo me.

Abba father you must wonder why
More times than Peter I have denied.
Three nails and a cross to prove
I owe my Life eternally to you!

Well its time to get down on my knees and pray.
Lord undo me
Put away my flesh and bone
Til you own this spirit through me.
Lord undo me.

Prone to Wander --- Chris Rice

On the surface not a ripple
Undercurrent wages war
Quiet in the sanctuary
Sin is crouching at my door

How can I be so prone to wander
So prone to leave You
So prone to die
And how can You be so full of mercy
You race to meet me and bring me back to life

I wake to find my soul in fragments
Given to a thousand loves
But only One will have no rival
Hangs to heal me, spills His blood

How can I be so prone to wander
So prone to leave You
So prone to die
And how can You be so full of mercy
You race to meet me and bring me back to life

Curse-reversing Day of Jesus
When you finally seize my soul
Freedom from myself will be the
Sweetest rest I’ve ever known

How can I be so prone to wander
So prone to leave You
So prone to die
And how can You be so full of mercy
You race to meet me and bring my back to life

Diaries of a Balletomaniac # 2

{I can't think of any other title...}

I’m beat again. This time though the pain is intense enough to cause me to limp when I walk. Hi there long lost muscles!

Teacher Rara graduated from UP too. She majored in Dance at the College of Music. Now someone can relate to UP stories. :)

Both teachers recommended I attend the Level B class so I can get better acquainted with the basics which you’re already supposed to know when you’re in Level C. That will help me get en pointe faster. That also means six hours of ballet a week. Wow, I’m going to die! Joke. I guess I’ll take it slow for the time being. Maybe I’ll take the Level B class on Fridays for a month then Fridays and Saturdays on the next. I wouldn’t want to overwork my body. Cold showers and muscles aches don’t go well together. And cold showers is all the dorm has.

The great thing is, I don’t have to pay for this extra training. Man, do I feel so lucky I’m at this school. God really got the best for me when I asked Him for a ballet school. “Ask and you will receive…”

Must start saving for pointe shoes.

Diaries of a Balletomaniac #1

I’m beat. Just got back from my first ballet class in a year and I don’t think I’ll be able to go through thew two chapters of 131 I wanted to finish tonight. I just wanna sit and sip tea and type away happy thoughts.

A new teacher is handling the classes although, as far as I know Teacher Mylene still owns the school. While Teacher Rara instructs the girls, Teacher Mylene watches from the side and gives silent, hand gestures reminders to girls who forget that their palms should be facing upwards or whose feet are in the wrong position.

Julyett, Karen and Mirabai were the ones I recognized when me and Rei walked into the studio. I was introduced to Marion, who calls herself a beginner despite having a year of training on her as well as pointe shoes.

We did stretches while waiting for the Level B’s to finish. My not-so-religious stretching has paid off somewhat as I can now use the upper barre for leg stretches unlike before where the even the lower barre was a challenge. Forgive the boasting. Me and Rei were going green watching the other girls go through advanced stretches. Someday Kristina, someday.

When we started doing barre exercises, me and Rei had trouble keeping up. Same thing with the center work. But all in all, it was fun and I still giggle at what I imagine I was doing during the chase-arabesque center exercise. Imagine a chicken when it’s flustered. I looked like that. Minus the squawking of course. :)

Now, I need a dallop of that good ol’ Katinko cream of Nellie’s to comfort my poor overworked leg muscles.

Boy, is it good to be back.

Good luck sakin...

I didn't wake up for my 7-10 Stat 131 Make-up class [tugs at hair]. Aba, exam na namin sa 31, dapat pumasok ako. Sleep doesn't come easily for me (but when it does, it goes on for ages) and this morning it came by at around 4AM. I thought about just waiting the morning out until it was time for the class but I reconsidered knowing I'd probably fall asleep while Sir Lans was discussing. Either that or I'd simply not understand or absorb anything, which defeats the purpose of going to class.

I'm so sure I failed the first exam. I didn't study much for it because I didn't have the time then (that was my hell week where every other day had an exam or paper due).

Since Friday is a day off and I have 14 days to review for the second exam, Stat 131 readings will be occupying my desk most nights. Career ito.

After Much Delay...

The Main Course

Last Sunday, Pastor Jong gave a rather interesting message centering on relationships. Since I’m not good at relationships outside of my family, the message was very relevant and striking to me. I didn’t bring my handy dandy notebook and I couldn’t remember the verse we discussed. This explains the delay. Anyway, here’s what had me laughing (more out of nerves than joy) during the sermon:

Scripture: Matthew 13:15-18 (Thanks to Mun Onn for looking it up! :) )

Truth: I will be hurt by other Christians. This must be an unspoken expectation. We still have a sinful nature and we are but works in progress.

But what should differentiate our squabbles from the world’s is that God has shown us how to resolve these conflicts. We mustn’t avoid conflict, it’s beneficial.

But when there is conflict, what do we do?

FIVE COMMON OFFENSIVE STRATEGIES WE USE
1. The PC or “Peace at all Costs” Strategy
You pretend everything is OK.
Result: shallowness of the relationship and eventually
bitterness towards the other person.

2. The Garbage Dump Strategy
You express irritation and frustration to everyone
but the offender
Result: ruined reputations (yours and theirs)

3. The Shields Up Strategy
You draw an invisible line as a way to minimize
future personal interaction
Result: lost opportunity for growth for both parties

4. The “I don’t get mad, I get even” Strategy
When someone hurts you, you don’t deal with it
directly. You seek revenge instead.
Result: hard-heartedness and a cold relationship
with that person and with God

5. The Guessing Game Strategy
You act hurt or mad but you don’t explain why
Imagine conversation:
X – Are you mad at me?
Y – Duh
X – Why?
Y – You don’t know why?!
Result: Self-pity and distancing. The other person becomes
sick and tired of guessing.

PROPER CHRISTIAN STRATEGIES FOR HANDLING CONFLICT

God wants conflicts to be solved so that there is spiritual growth in both parties.

1. Privately point out the fault as you see it. “I am hurt and offended and here’s why” Strategy. Do not send written communication. This doesn’t help. You may write down your thoughts and feeling in order to sort things out but NEVER send this to the offender. It is often counter-productive because the receiver has no chance to understand and respond. Plus, written communication is often exaggerated.

2. If (1) doesn’t work, ask friends to substantiate or mediate. Seek a wise and trustworthy person. You are not responsible for the outcome but you are responsible for initiating.

3. If that doesn’t work either, request church leadership to discern and arbitrate. Take the issue to people responsible for maintaining the community dimension of your church.

FURTHER NOTES

Remember that apprehension is normal but not fatal.
Wait for the right time but do not delay unnecessarily.
Pray and go in the peace that God is with you.
Be prepared to discover you are wrong.

Peace between Christians has a high priority. Remember Matthew 5:23.

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MY REFLECTIONS:

I use strategies 1 and 4 the most. But I have used all at one time or another in the past.

I am a total coward when it comes to telling the offender how I feel. God please give me courage.

When I think I’m right, it’s so hard to say sorry. God has to knock me out a couple of times to get me to the contrite state I should be in. I am proud.

They say that there are people who are EGR people or Extra Grace Required people: people who get on your nerves ALL the time. How about this? We are ALL ECG people. I am an ECG person to someone out there. I think it is all part of God’s grand plan on sharpening our countenance.

The thought to isolate myself from society to avoid pain generation on my part and on another person’s part has occurred to me often. And besides, things are much simpler like that. Unfortunately, this introverted dimension of me doesn’t correspond to God’s plan of community. Perhaps the hardest things I have to face in community, is the truth of who I am and the truth that the world does not revolve around me. Sigh. Going against my grain as usual, aren’t you God?

You did pray for me to change you. You did say you didn’t like the person in the mirror very much. I’m doing what I promised and what you asked for.

Yeah, I know, I know.

Appetizers

I'd like to get through with a few "appetizers" before the "main course":

1. It rained the whole week! I went home on Friday and I didn't mind the P90 taxi fare to the bus station. After a week of constant downpour, Cubao makes for one of the most unsavory places you could walk in. There's few things that annoy me more than having my jeans all wet and dirty and my white sneakers muddy.

2. I hated to miss another ballet class but it was imperative that I visit my dentist. My molar band popped off in the middle of me eating a banana cue and I chewed it into a pancake. I guess the many colas I had worked the paste into disintegrating. So the wire on my lower teeth was popping out too and the rubber bands were hanging on for dear life. Everything was just so painful. My apologies to those who aren't fluent in Brace-lish.

3. When I got home, it was raining there too! I didn't mind so much though. It was really nice to see everyone again. SLU suspended classes on yesterday for their intramurals and my brothers got to go home too. Mom went crazy in the kitchen, fixing up salads and chicken and cake. My dad and grandma were having a feast right along with us kids because when it's just the three of them, they stick to vegetables and fish. The house looked so clean (yeah, I really have to write that). And both the dogs had puppies two weeks ago so that provided lots of fun. The dalmation pup looks exactly like her mom. I made my parents promise that they wouldn't give her and another cute pup away.

4. I rarely go out in shorts. Sometimes, I'm not that confident with my legs. Almost always, it's simply an issue of modesty. So when my jeans refused to dry in the wet weather, I frantically searched my closet at home for something I could wear for the trip back. I came up with a lot of skirts, some shorts and no jeans. I was forced to wear shorts on the trip. I hardly slept because it was so cold in the bus. I had already selected the longest of my shorts, which only covered my legs halfway down my knees so I used my jacket as a cover and my upper torso froze for five hours. But I did enjoy the fantasy that I was a tennis player on tour. Hehe.

5. I am such a nut. When I'm depressed or problematic or nervous, I laugh or smile a lot. To most people, I look like I'm actually happy and having fun. This property of mine can create a lot of trouble because there are times that I really am laughing because I really am happy. Although my usual show of happiness is being quiet and withdrawn. I guess that makes it hard for me and other people to understand things. I'm so thankful my friends have learnt to discern my laughs.

{Hard Place} Me {Hard Place}

My head aches. I got really lost in our discussion of efficiency and other parametric point estimation concepts in my Statistics 131 class this morning. Perhaps trying to train myself to get by on four hours of sleep isn’t such a good idea right now.

---

It helps though that my favorite outlet (i.e. Blogger) is working again.

---

Un petit prolème. I haven’t been to ballet class for three weeks already due to exams and other appointments that have gotten in the way. Teacher Mylene sent me a message that, if read between the lines, means that I am really expected to be there this Friday. At the same time, there’s the Alab Yahweh Streams thing on Friday that starts at exactly the same time my class does. Sigh. I really must see that dance presentation. It will help me a lot in the dance ministry and I did promise Ate Hazel that I’d watch. There’s a second show next weekend. I guess I’ll have to make time for that. Another mark of absence in my ballet class. Sigh.

---

If anyone has a copy of Liza Dalby's Geisha, pretty please, can I borrow it? I can't find the book anywhere. I wonder, is this one of those time when you can actually request the Main Library to procure the item?

The Great Blog Flood

I'm sorry for this novela. It's just that I've been writing a lot and posting a little due to Blogger's technical problems.

[ADD Moment: "Technical problems" is such a great alibi, don't you think?

"I'm sorry I was late with my part of the report. My laptop was having technical

problems." or "Really? You didn't get your birthday greeting? Sheesh, must be

some technical problem with the website I got your e-card from"]

Well, here's everything I've scribbled down amidst the problems sets and machine problems.

Written August 8: Waking up to Tears

I woke up from my afternoon nap and felt incredibly depressed. So I ended up crying and crying. What makes the incident odd is the fact that I don't really have anything to be that depressed about. Besides it takes a lot to reduce me to tears (with the exception of cocckroaches). So after a two hour long weeping session, I wonder, do I have some sort of chemical imbalance in my brain?

I mean, everything is going nicely in my life. I don't have anything to complain about really. And of the things I am having problems with, I wasn't really feeling that miserable over them. So how come the depression attacks?

It wouldn't have been so out of this world if it was an isolated incident. As it happens, this is the fifth one since the June.

Written August 6: Input Tea, Output Mess

I have my donuts, my tea and what I think is my brain. Lovely. Now, on to it.

For starters, I am feeling incredibly alone. I was so desperate for someone to talk to this morning that I practically hounded Ate Jojee until she was whisked away by a Philcoa jeep. For those of you who don’t know, Ate Jojee is my super-gentle, very tough and incredibly patient discipler. Anyway, who better than to follow around like a sad puppy (which is very me right now) than her? If you’ve read my last two posts (Aug 4 and 5), you’d think all is not well in my spiritual life. That’s true. And when your relationship with God goes through these troughs (as in waves), practically everything else in your life is screwed.

This reminds me of the main reason I stopped updating “Life Under Grace”. At first, I thought I’d post the Christian stuff on Life and all the rest on the Porch. But it turned out to be a silly thing. I could hardly tell where to post a certain entry. You can’t draw a line as to how much you want God to be involved when it comes to your life. Christian spirituality encroaches (in a good way) upon every area of your life. The moment I chose to follow Him, I opened all doors to Him (I didn’t realize that at the time but like that makes a difference). But I digress.

Anyway, if the physical is any pointer to what’s happening in the spiritual (which I think it is), the I am in big trouble. My major exam results are to die for and by that I mean “They’re so low, I’d like to kill myself.” I get headaches every afternoon. I forget the simplest things. I find that I get tired so easily. I have to zest to do anything. I am way behind on my academic workload. I am cranky, irritable and have been throwing tantrums at the same rate that McDonalds serves it’s customers (every 60 seconds).

So, I’ve been dying for someone to talk to, someone who will listen and even scold me if that’s what she/he is led to do.

Unfortunately, me and The Goddess may have hit another rough spot. Again, 90% of the problem can be blamed on me. More on that some other time. Ugh. Anyway, there’s this all too familiar invisible curtain up in the middle of us (again) so that means, I have no one to talk to.

My spiritual mentor lives two rides away from the campus and I hate texting, so the only time I can talk to her is our Bible studies and at the Sunset Service.

I miss my two other “sisters”. Joy and Jazz, guys, when can we hang out again?

Well, the good thing about all this is that me and God are getting together a lot more. It’s humbling and incredibly heartbreaking to come before Him expecting anger only to find kindness and forgiveness. Truly, it’s this very thing that leads us to repentance. And with a whole bunch of stuff that has to be dealt with, I’m oddly thankful for this time of loneliness and helplessness.

Written August 5: Misgivings

A friend of mine wanted to join the ballet class I am going to attend. This intention was mentioned in the midst of stretching exercises, the stretching being the reason P wants to go.

Hey, I was excited and all at first. It’s nice to do something you’re passionate about with a friend. Not to mention the significant amount of money I get to save because I get to split the tricycle fare with someone. I could very well buy another pair of much-needed tights after a month or so with the saved up fare.

But something in me sort of snapped. Ballet is something I really love. My time in that studio is something that means a lot to me and when I leave it, I must deal with a deep sense of loneliness and loss. For anyone to “handle” something I consider beautiful callously in my eyes (or ears) evokes a strange and yet potent indignation. So potent in fact, that I didn’t handle it too well.

That night, I lay on my bed trying to manage the words I plugged up. I wanted to say that ballet is something beautiful. It’s about strength and it’s about grace. I wanted to tell TG that almost every class, there’s a chance that you could get discouraged---when you can’t execute a movement, when you can’t do 10 abdominal exercises and the teacher won’t let you move on until you finish, when everyone else is gliding over the floor and you are moving more like mop than a swing, when your teacher halts the entire class, makes you do a step and makes the other point out what you’re doing wrong. But you don’t give up on account of that or on the account of a lot of that. Because it isn’t what you can and cannot do. Sooner or later, you’ll get there anyway. It’s about loving what you’re doing, enjoying it and savoring it. And the stretching part is little more than 15 minutes and we don’t do that every class. What is TG going to do for the rest of the time? I wanted to say that one should think it through. You can’t decide on a whim. Why are you going? Is it just the stretching? There’s so much more than that. And that more is something you should take into consideration. You don’t like watching ballet or even lyrical dance. You say it’s boring. Why, why this then?

I kept quiet for the days that followed. I sensed that P would not take it in a good way if I said all I wanted to say. But the night we were to attend our first class together, I blurted it out.

And here we are now. Sigh. I felt better after having said all that. I don’t like the fact that it didn’t affect P the way I wanted it to. I hate to think that I may have blasted someone’s self-esteem to pieces. And it’s sad that P doesn’t want to go anymore for the wrong reasons. Perhaps, I am wrong. That’s always a huge possibility based on my track record in these matters. Unfortunately, I don’t want to say sorry. I may be cruel in treating that speech as a test of will. I may cover it up in good intentions of saving her the depression, or the misery or the self-loathing but those are really secondary to that fact that I found myself offended and I snapped.

I’m open to rebukes though. I’d love to be right, just this once, but what is wrong is wrong. It’ll take a while before I can give my sincere apologies though. God help me.

Written August 4: All I Want to Do is Dance...

Yesterday, DCF held an evangelistic night. Sorry to say the highlight of my night was when I met Ate Hazel Ramos, former Ilang Chairperson and leader of the Alab Yahweh Worship Dance Ministry. They danced Josh Groban’s and Charlotte Church’s “The Prayer” and me, Roxanne and the rest of the DCFers present at the Missions GA last year just had to smile.

What a coincidence (or was it). ICF has a lot of dance freaks. The ladies love street dance and jazz. I love lyrical dance and ballet. We danced “The Prayer” last year too. The Alab Yahweh ladies did a better job though. :) Wow, ICF has a heritage of dance!

I spent most of the GA in an excited conversation with Ate Hazel. We talked about how we found our love of dancing, what we learned from schools (she went to Halili-Cruz) and what to do with our love for movement. Ate Hazel talked about worshipping God in movement, how choreographing a piece took her ages of waiting on the Lord for inspiration and direction, how Alab Yahweh started and how it was important to keep oneself pure in relation to being a dancer. God used her a lot to encourage me in the dance ministry (that has yet to take shape).

I got introduced to two other members too. Let’s call them the Twins for now. I forgot their names, I’m so bad at names (shadow of Alzheimer’s?). They were such an encouragement too.

I’ve been praying for God to send someone who can disciple me in dance, worship and God. The answer arrived five months later but I can’t tell you guys how great His timing is. Not just because the Cantata is still some way off and we have lots of time. Meeting the Alab Yahweh members turned my life around just at a point where I was getting way of track spiritually speaking. God’s lovely divine appointments. [Smiles and shakes head in suppressed laughter]

The talk made me think about worship too. I seem to know so little of something I am called to do in everything I do.

"Hourglass" ideas in the early hours

[note time of post]

Life is like an hourglass stuck on the table, the moments trickling steadily. We measure the flow in the manner we choose ourselves--- in office hours, in semesters and classes, in wrinkles, in candles. There will be no inversion, no falling back of moments that are the grains of your life. There is no filter to sift times you can let go off and times you want to “re-process”. One can only so much as grasp the opportunities and joy and love that come by and live them while they're there.

I think it’s hard to stay at that slender portion of this hourglass. At times, I dwell on the lower cone, wallowing in self-pity, regret and anger. Some times, I move upwards and find myself too utterly fixed on what may come that I shrug off today’s concerns like the dandruff on my shoulder. Lower or upper, it’s unsafe territory. I find I have to strike the balance between being expectant and hopeful and appreciating what has come to pass. Else, my present clogs up with more moments to regret when I find myself in the lower cone and less moments to look forward to in the upper.

Whimsical, I am. Perhaps a temporary condition induced by strong green tea, rain and a large zit.

Forgive the shallowness.

His porch

It's so easy to take You for granted. Maybe because You've promised to be there all the time. Maybe because I don't see you. You sure do speak up though. Your voice turns up in everything. Which shouldn't be any wonder now, should it? You created everything after all.

So has it been a month? I'm almost timid. I feel like an intruder stalking your hotel room. But that's silly. You know all my thoughts. Actually, the scenario is more like You standing in the door frame, looking at me and waiting for this poor, broken daughter of yours to step inside. We look insane. No actually, I look insane.

God? I've missed You. Um, lots has been going on. [Shoves hands into pockets and examines carpet fibers] Most of the things I've done, I shouldn't have. I knew that before I did them. I can't forget that fact no matter what I do. I'm sure You know all about that.

Lord, it's terrible. This shame, this guilt.

Yes, I'm proud. I would love to show up Your doorstep, knock and feel so at ease because my "affairs" are in order. But I'm a sinner at every turn. And I am in desperate need of Your mercy and grace at each of those turns.

Just around the corner from Your place I stood under a streetlight. I believe that was the first time in a lot of days that Your light streamed on me:

"Does their unfaithfulness nullify the faithfulness of God? By no means! For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus...Blessed are those whose lawless deeds are forgiven, and whose sins are covered, blessed is the man against whom the LORD will not count his sin...Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!...There is therefore no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus..."

And on and on.

I didn't want to walk into it at first, it's sooo uncomfortable. And yet so warm. So true. So pretty. And familiar.

So I'm here, dripping and muddying Your lovely landing God. I'm sorry.

"Her sins, which are many, are forgiven...Go in peace."

An Attempt

Ehem...


Scratches head. Discovers that dandruff is back.


One finds herself feeling slightly overwhelmed by the all the "blog-deprivation" one put herself through in order to manage affairs of another realm.

I actually can't pick anything to write.

Wirklich?

Ja, leider.

Everything must have gone into my German 10 finals this afternoon. Humph.

Sticks tongue out at laptop.

Thinks "I am so immature."

Stomps off to do laundry. Perhaps more lucid thoughts will surface among the bubbles.