The Way Things Are

At the end of the day, I have a bunch of rants about things that could have been better that day or things I think God's holding out on me. I complain about not having the money to buy that DVD at the store or about not having somebody to go out on a date with. I rant about the bad food in the cafeteria, the mess in Room 122, the plainness of my wardrobe, and the bad job the staff did at cleaning the toilets.

I complain about not being a good friend and about the lack of good friends. I complain about not being good enough or about all the talents I wish I had or about the lack of time...etc. etc. etc.

But for every single thing that I complain about, God always seems to give me a solid and firm reason to stop. He makes me think about all the things that did go well, about why things didn't go that well, and about the things I don't have yet and somehow I end up almost reluctantly admitting that, indeed, I lack nothing. I don't quite understand how He does this. It's fun to complain, you know. More fun when someone starts ranting along and you both end up having a Rant Fest. But with God, as much as He humors me at times, I end up being silent.

And the worst thing about knowing that I lack nothing is that I have to face this great, gaping hole in me that I can't figure out what to fill it with. And God always brings me back to this hole I shove out of my consciousness first thing in the morning.

I'm guessing it's just our nature to try to find our satisfaction on our own and try to find it in things that are seen. But there's a part of me that only God can know, and satisfy, and fill.

A younger sister prayed over me last week and she prayed that God would break me. You know what? I was shaking my head at her in sheer shock. Good thing she was sitting across me with her eyes closed in prayer while I was having the fit. Brokenness? NO WAY!!! I used to pray those prayers but now I know what it means, I think it's only common sense to not appreciate it when someone comes along and prays that for you and I'm not even sure she knew what she was praying for...Erg.

I'm not making sense. Sigh.

Lord, if You're making me see this and feel this, I pray that You'd come and be real to me and fill me up. And not let me go and try to find the solution that I sense isn't down here. You know how prone I am to trying out all sorts of things to fill this gap.