If my public crying is any measure, then my days seem to be getting harder by each dawn.
I feel incredibly alone. I can only wrap my blanket tighter around me as I imagine desert winds whipping the solitary figure that travels on her lands. There's no one I can run to when I need to crash into arms; there no one I can share the burdens of leadership; no one to pat my shoulder and smile at me.
I am careful now with expressing weariness in the ministry. I learned some time ago that I caused someone to stumble by my posture of hopelessness.
Our talks are at best civil, at worse sarcastic. I lost two APs to graduation and I think I'm losing the last remaining one.
For all the people in the communities I seek refuge, I might as well be walking alone. It is by no means a physical manifestation. Simply an incredibly sharp pang of loneliness.
In the midst of it all, I still believe in Emmanuel. I believe He's looking at me from across the universe and that He's looking at me extra long. And what heart will not leap at that?
1 comment:
Krissy,
My name is Tim, and I'm from Philadelphia. I know I'm nowhere near you in the Phillipines, so I can't help, and I don't even know anyone over there, but from this distance, and if you can accept the words of a stranger as real, genuine, and caring, know that I hear your words, and will pray for you right now.
I, too, am going through some difficult times, and it's sad how alone I feel. I even felt so secluded that I wrote a book about it (info about it in the PS), I somehow thought that crying out so strongly with a book would get people to reach back, but they haven't, and it's still lonely.
But I wanted to reach out to your message, and say that I'm sorry you're going through these tough times, and I hope you find some really good people around you soon, who will help you and build you up.
You are right--who wouldn't jump at that thought, that the Lord loves you so much, and sees you just where you are, and cares for you.
If you care to write, I'd be glad to (sehnsucht7@juno.com), and if not, no worries at all, but thanks for being so vulnerable in your blog, and for being willing to take that risk of being open and honest. It's a hard thing to do, and you did it anyway. Keep at it. God bless you!
--Tim
P.S. If you want to see my book, go to amazon.com and type the words "Fragile Vessels," and you'll see it there.
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