One for My Friends

Pastor Jong tackled relationships again in his sermon last Sunday. I'm finding his sermons very practical and, well, very revealing.

At the start of the message, the following showed up on the screen (a paraphrase):

Maybe you feel hurt most of the time. Disgusted with a person? Frustrated? Do you feel a lot of internal tension because people make you mad but you're afraid to say something. Do you hear people say "I don't feel like you respect/care for me." or "I can't read your mind. Tell me what's going on."? These are areas where your relational skills need improvement.

I was sort of floored by the questions. I gave an affimative nod to every statement. Plus, my long string of best friends popped up in my head, a disturbing reminder that over the course of 15 years, I have gone through 6 best friends. Five of those friendships ended on a bad note. I'm on my seventh. If this sounds vaguely of a girl talking about boyfriend relationships gone wrong, well, you're not the only one with that impression.

Truth is, outside of my close-knit family, I'm horrible with relationships. I may appear calm and forgiving and extremely long-suffering but I do have this streak of revenge-seeking rage in me. You only have to talk to Ed or prod the long story out of me to give you an example. Nellie actually said I was scary after I told her about that particular high school story of mine.

I'm not charged to work at relationships most of the time. I call only a few people my friends, at most two out of that category will be my best friends. I think that if I had a lot of friends, my relationship with them would be somewhat shallow. I can't spread myself too thinly. Still, with the handful that I have, I'm not that great at them either. If I thinned the crowd a bit more, that wouldn't be healthy.

I'm proud. I'm selfish. The world, at the end of the day, has to be about me. Sometimes, I get jealous and end up trying to put the other person down to make myself feel better. I'm not someone who encourages. I'll mostly and bluntly tell you the truth---or I'll keep it from them and not say anything in a desperate attempt to avoid conflict---which (either way) ends up with me feeling very frustrated. I get easily tired of being such a disappointment to other people that I don't even try sometimes. And I make the worst jokes ever(!). I'll shut you out most of the time and try to hold the fortress on my own.

Last Sunday, I realized how there's always two versions of a story in a relationship. I wonder what my friends are saying/feeling about me. God knows, with the few people I consider friends, I have a lot of whining going on.

Anyway, as I don't seem to have this whole thing concretized into more rational thought just yet, I'd like to end on this note:

Charlize Theron said this in her message at a Golden Globes Ceremony: "There's only so much you can do but if no one gives you a chance, there's nothing you can do."

I am feeling grateful for all my friends who are giving me second chances again and again, despite what I do to them. Guys, thank you so much for bearing with the Fortress Keeper and her eccentricities. Thanks for all the reminders and the firm belief that God is at work in me.