So Sue Me

And so it begins, another season of Lent. Out of obligation, there's a lot of things I could give up --- chocolate, barbari bread, blogging, movies --- just thinking about all the options gives me this emotional high that comes with good intentions and noble notions. [Perhaps that's just another phrase for pride and the road to hell is paved with good intentions.] But given my current spiritual condition, all of it seems sacrilegious.

Somewhere in Madeleine L'Engle's "The Moon by Night", Vicky's uncle says to her that perhaps the worse thing we can be towards God is indifferent.

Lately, I've been apathetic about a lot of things. But mostly about my walk with God. I feel like there ought to be something more, like I'm not doing enough, or that I'm not not doing enough. But I don't know what it is and, really, I'm just too tired or lazy to find out.

My shelf is crammed with Christian literature. I bought an entire batch of books last Christmas for the purpose of learning more about my faith and about life and God. But I haven't read a single one. During the Open House, I stashed them away in my closet lest someone comes in and thinks, "Wow, you read all that stuff?"

The appetite for anything theological or spiritual has waned. It's like I'm reading the same things over again. And I don't have a single original thought. I'm afraid that when my the women I mentor get into reading more books, they'll be exclaiming, "Hey, Krissy said this during this Bible Study..."

I can't dig out anything new and nothing excites. I don't see that abundance of life so promised, that brilliance of light and Spirit in my life, that peace and calm, that beauty I think someone who knows and walks in the Light should radiate.

I've taken to listening to Bible Gateway's audio Bibles because my mind just wanders when I pick up my Bible and read it on my own. I can listen to entire chunks of books before anything hits me. And the last time that something hit me was weeks ago.

What do I know about God? Why am I here? Why do I do the things I do? Why persist at this digging? Will I look in the mirror tomorrow and actually like what I see or at least not cringe? Why did You pick me? Why aren't You taking off this ministry?

This Lent: God, help me not give up on You and me.