It's the End of an Era: An Online Tribute to Nellingskies Part I

I went wandering through SM today, wracking my head for something really great to give you, your graduation gift. Another stuffed toy? Inappropriate for the celebration. A necklace? Or a charm bracelet perhaps? Nah, boyfriends give that. A cashmere sweater? A DVD copy of House of Flying Daggers? A cute blouse? Right, like I have the fashion sense for that. A book? Ewww...

Obviously, I still haven't found an answer. Sorry that I still haven't thrown you your grad bash complete with song and dance number, tears, cake and wine. Tears come compliments of yours truly.

It turned out to be more heartbreaking then feet-killing to walk those mall halls to get you a gift of sorts. I will miss you. I don't want you to leave. This room, this dorm, this university, won't be the same without you! I feel like singing Ugly Girl with lyrics revised to "Can't you see? You're leaving me, for an ugly world...Dundundunun-nun..."

Hey, remember the time when I totally snobbed you in the Kalai TV Area? When you invited me to KalCF? When you went nuts when I enthusiastically murdered Moulin Rouge's Come What May song with Joy? When you taught me how to towel dry my laundry? When you prayed for me on a day that started my Christian life?

Hey, remember the time when we wanted to crawl back to Kalai after registering at Sampa? When we lingered at Benitez because we loathed Sampa? Remember, "Nellie, do you see what I see?" When I slept right through your groans of tummy pain? When you'd mistake me for a pillow and start wrapping your leg and arm on me? Remember the sheer relief of finally making it to Ilang?

There was that time when I nearly yanked off our PC from it's table during Star Wars. And afternoon naps where you'd be sleeping contently while I hung on to dear life on the edge of my bed. Remember the "Nellie, there's a frog on my bed" drop call? The dragging me to church in someone's sunglasses? The mess hall conversation where I found out that God had just handed me a genuine friend for all times? The phases we both went thorugh in our hyper Christian kiddy years? And that time when I morphed into a fish, drowned in water while on land, slamed into the closet, and knocked myself unconscious?

Remember the time I moved in and consequently fight times got a little more intense but our good times were nicer too? Remember Tina Rago's rage and your slipping me a note of comfort, yourself scared to move from your seat? Remember all those crushes? Remember "Why are you calling me? This is expensive"?

Remember you saying goodbye and me getting mad during my year as a non-major.

Remember the Cantatas and all their drama and the story that lay beneath it all and the secrets you'll have to take to your grave.

Remember the cockroach scream fests, the conversations that highlighted age-gaps in the room, the vanity shots in your ballet flats, that ballet controversy we had (all my fault, I know), the debate about how many times to soap, the laundry room revelations and laughs, the fitting room giggles, the movie marathons, the one time run around the Oval, the love life issues and late-night talks, the night we tried yoga, the times you taught me how to dance, the skyflakes and Yakult, the McDonalds deliveries, the bathroom sessions and confessions...

It is difficult to celebrate what looks to me as the end of moments like those above. Sigh.

But thank you for them all. Thank you for being a true friend, a forthright sister in Christ and the only person who thinks I am cute. Oh, and thank you for being the only one who will make an effort to understand my jokes or attempts at joking. You are irreplaceable. Your Ilang bed and desk should be cordoned off. But sadly, that won't happen without me getting kicked out of the dorm.

On second thought, that would leave me free to be your roommate at wherever you'll be staying...

Worth thinking about. =)

Short Interruption...

to show off Formal Dinner pictures that are so good because they don't give away the fact that we were about to drop off in exhaustion...

Phoo-ey

Sorry, going on hiatus for some time. Finals, you know? But before that, some quick updates:

1. I got an internship at NSCB (National Statistics Corrdination Board) which is down at Buendia. Mom also found me a place to stay after the dorm chucks me out for this semester. My cousins in Paranaque have offered me some space so eveything's working out except for the actual packing and moving of all my junk. I don't have a business suit to my name but I hope to get some decent things for my internship stint by next week.
2. Auntie Fina got the lab results back on the cyst that was on her hand. It's benign so everyone's so relieved and happy.
3. Thesis defense in my regession class has been moved to Tuesday (March 28). That's good. I get to improve all my models and make a spiffy Powerpoint presentation.
4. I should maybe start going to church. And get some decent sleep at decent hours of the day---which was one of the factors why I missed church last Sunday...
5. Nellie got two job offers that she's really excited about and we're all so happy for her. It's hard to decide which to turn down though.
6. Ate Happy's pregnant (Yey!) and we should all pray for her and the baby because the doctors say hers is an ectopic pregnancy.
7. We were able to attend the formal dinner here at the dorm despite finals month eclavu. It's the one occassion we get to primp, eat well, and take hundreds of vanity shots. Thanks to Aimee for providing me and Nellie cocktail dresses.
8. I got renewed here in the dorm. =) Lot's of things were hanging on it so we're all glad about that development.
9. My apologies to all my cousins, aunties, brothers and their girlfriends, and Tim for not being able to reply quickly to your emails. I have no excuses.

Until next time, take care everyone. Good luck and get some sleep you UP Diliman and UC Davis students.

CAUTION: Contents may cause gastrointestinal disturbance

One of the "shames" I feel as a Christian single who assiduously desires to find a partner for life, to be romanced and to grow old fulfilling my marriage vows is the feeling that I am somehow diminishing Jesus in my life. I get it a lot, the statement that "Jesus is enough. He's all I need." Well, great for those who can honestly say it. I can't. I feel ashamed when I realize that or when I can't seem to flush it out of my system. I try to convince myself that Jesus is enough or can be enough for me (and, oh how I try!). That He is all I need. But somewhere in my heart, a distant notes rings out of tune.

Adam, before the whole Fall issue of sin [ADD moment: That sounds like a good issue of a certain magazine], was walking in perfect intimacy with the Lord. Yet God said it was not good for Him to be alone. And so God created woman.

In 1 Corinthians 7:34, Paul says that "an unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit." It can give the first impression that singleness is to be preferred because it is a more virtuous life. But on reading a Bible commentary (very useful for breaking down wrong first impressions on the Word), I find that Paul is talking about the gift of celibacy, a gift I think few are blessed with.

Can I live my whole life without a companion in marriage, without a family and without sex (yes, that's a question I have to ask myself!) and not feel bad about it all? I can't. For those of us not gifted with the celibacy, marriage is our calling and the verse, "It is not good fo man to be alone" --- Genesis 2:18, applies to us.

The shame in me settles down when I begin to get around the idea that marrying doesn't depreciate the wholeness of a person in Christ or one's need for our Lord. For the first point, look at Adam. We cannot look to our future spouses to fill in our crevices of need and great canyons of emptiness. We do need to be whole in Christ. We cannot look to our future spouses and say "You complete me," despite how romantic it may seem. For the second point, the two people who make a commitment in marriage have to rely on Christ to fulfill the vows they have made. Those vows are not easy to make and they are very, very, very serious ones indeed. The people who make them or who will make them are no less dependent on our Lord than a joyfully single Christian is. For a good solid example to those of us who get to see them, look at Kuya Butch and Ate Shii.

So, if anyone out there feels the same kind of shame I do, be glad and shameless. Being single does provide us the unique season of knowing the Lover of our souls and let's enjoy that. It is, afterall, an incredible season. But let us not advertise ourselves as perfectly happy with it. Instead, let us still esteem marriage highly.


Hehe, just think of it. A guy comes along and he likes you but is also super shy and you're here broadcasting that you are happy being single and alone. I don't think it helps the guy to initiate something. Why make you unhappy if you're so happy with "just me and the Lord."

And, come now, not all men are jerks --- and chauvinists. =)

The Joke's on Me

I was helpless, cornered and naked! The cockroach approached menacingly and circled the ceiling above my shower cubicle. I screamed and cried under the cold gush of water while Nellie gave me a play by play commentary of the cockroach movements and laughed. It's the second worse thing that can happen to you. I thought it was the worst until Nellie enlightened me on the possibility of squishing one with your butt as you settled down on the tiolet seat! Ayan! Sinong di nahaharass?!

I had my first QT in weeks this morning. I thanked God for keeping my family safe and healthy. And then my Mom texts and says they're (my Mom and Dad) are both down with the flu. Sigh. Please pray for that.

Then I thanked the Lord for me being single and all His provision for me during this time of my life. I let go of pining for a particular person. And then, after sunset service, the ICFers started teasing me over this guy and it's like walking on coals again. Talk about testing your convictions.

I had assigned articles to my blog team four days ago (I'm the head of the Ilang Blog Team). The deadline was yesterday. I gave them an extension. No one has passed any articles today. So my head's going to roll when Gillian's (PubCom head) head rolls. It's not a pretty sight, especially with dorm renewal going on. Ilang is particularly strict with these things. Residents are evaluated based on obedience to the house rules AND degree of involvement in the dorm council activities. Our committee heads and corridor representatives grade us. With a lot hinging on dorm renewal, my head hurts as I seek to be patient with my team members.

Yet there are things that counter the rants above. I had a wonderful time with my Lord this morning. I am thankful for how He continues to meet me in my irregular quiet hours and for giving me the chance to pray for people. Truly, He has been so gracious and faithful to me despite my headstrong rebellion as someone going throught the teenage phase of Christianity. Recall your teenage years. If it was anything like mine, then it was a period where you knew your parents had a good point, that they were wiser and had a right to disciplining you, and that they were sane, very rational, loving and caring people who weren't out to ruin your life forever. Yet despite knowing all that, you still felt like they were the ultimate killjoys who enjoyed raining on your parade. Basically, you felt like they and the world around you have conspired against you. Even when it's probably not. That's how I'm feeling about God these days. I deserve to be swatted like a fly so I'm thankful that He's being patient with me. It IS His kindness indeed that leads me to repentance.

I had a wonderful time in church this evening, something that hasn't happened for a long time. The song is right, you have to choose to worship. It's awesome how God opens your mouth to sing His praise in a time of brokenness, searching and longing. It humbles me to know that while i may come to give Him worship, I cannot do it on my own and I cannot be proud that I have because He is the One who has enabled me to be in a position to do so.

I'm also thankful that, while this healing process is going to be a long, painful period of sorting out things in my past, He has assured me that He will be there as every memory is taken apart and as I admit to how I really feel and to how this has affected my life. That is a great comfort. And He continues to give me the peace to go at this slow pace, the serenity to avoid hurrying and scrambling from one issue to another. It is Him who gives me the courage to even travel back into time and long repressed memories. He has promised abundance and freedom. He has promised that nothing can seperate me from His love. Such is the Rock I stand upon in this raging storm.

I can still laugh. Even if the joke's on me. That's the sheer madness of grace, love and joy. Thank You Lord.

[Insert title here]

• I want to go ice-skating. If I don't get to do this semester, I'm going to do it during th summer. Ice rinks shouldn't be hard to find in the US.
• Ate Jojee and I swapped our Bible study session for some walking and pilates at the acad oval and then an intense talk. It's fun to have someone along. Thanks for listening to me and my numb handling of such an issue. Thank you for praying. Here's to more Mondays and Thursdays of burning our cores.
• It funny that healing has to involve delving into wounds and feeling every ounce of pain and shame. But God led me here. He can get me through these memories. Someday, I'll be free from it all and maybe He'll even use it to His glory. For now, it's about taking even if just three paces into my history with my Creator each day and allowing Him to make me whole.
• LSS song: Caramel by Suzanne Vega. Maybe it's the food in the song, or the catchy tune, or just the fact that I'm longing for something the Lord hasn't appropriated to me just yet.
• Grr... two thesis papers, four exams, two reports, three problem sets and two machine problems. Well, now. I guess I'll grit my teeth through this final hurdle of my junior year at Stat and pray that I'll be kicked-off by DCFers one year from now.
• Farewell ballet class. It'll be my last class for this semester tomorrow. I just won't have time for dancing this month. Hopefully, I'll still keep up my strength and flexibility and even improve them during the summer break.
• Solo na akong pupuntang US. It's so sad that my brothers won't be joining me. It'll be lonely. And just how am I supposed to survive the 14-hour transpacific flight? The immigration officer might just haul me off the line to the airport clinic. That would be a memorable experience though. Nyahaha...
• I'm trying to figure out a training syllabus for the dance team that won't bore the jazzy types like Janna and that won't be ackward for the flowy types like me. My whole training is ballet. And I admit that I'm not that open to new styles. This is difficult. I'm hoping to get something concrete by June so we can start tuning up our bodies for the Cantata. And Lord? Please keep my ambition in check. You are and always will be my Artistic Director. Thanks for swatting my behind when I try to take that title from you. It smarts, but it's a sure sign that You love me. "...Because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son." --- Hebrews 12:6

Amidst Firebrands, I Flicker

I find that it is in my most broken moments or the times that I am unfaithful to my QT, that God uses me in the most audacious ways. I seem almost more spiritual than when I am spiritual. And it is a great reminder that this is all not about me and whatever condition I am in, the Mighty Creator is unhampered in His plans, His power in no way diluted by my own wandering heart.

It was with great fear and trembling that I stood up tonight to commit myself to remain on as ICF Core leader in the coming school year. I haven’t even been renewed here in the dorm. I’ve been leading for the past two years and nothing has seemed to come out of the labour I have put in. Now, I guess I am praying as Jesus prayed in the Garden, “Lord, let this cup pass.”

I am supremely discouraged. And I feel like am not the leader for this sort of situation. I am no firebrand, no blazing torch, no enduring runner, no charismatic speaker. I prefer the life of a backstage hand, of a production assistant, and of a sidekick to a superhero. In short, I am no Aldous. I’m more of a Carlo. But I am hoping for an NCF sort of break through. Sigh.

I didn’t receive any sign to do what I did tonight. I didn’t get a phone call from heaven or what Chris Rice calls “divine graffiti”. I only know that I am the only ICFer that will be here next year, assuming my dorm stay is extended. I guess I’m walking in faith. If God really wants me here, I will be here in this room next school year, still praying to God, amidst my doubt and fear, that He would call up new leaders and that more women here would know Him and have a relationship with Him.

God knows my tears, the tears that have come before mine and the tears of other who pray for this fellowship and this dorm. For now, that is enough.

***

Post Script:

• Check out the Philippines' Next Top Model here. She's my roommate. I'm suddenly so sorry I'm not gay...
• More Scraps available
• If anyone would get me Book # 11 of Baby Blues, I'd be the happiest person in the world.
• Thank you to Carlo for offering to sponsor me to the Missions Exposure this year. I might just take you up on that offer. Lysol or no Lysol.
• Sheena, Nellie and Mae: Thank you for sharing your lives with ICF, more importantly with me. Official blog kick-off of you gals coming soon. Complete with pictures. Bwahahaha...
• LG, congratulations, you have survived being VC for publicity. Cheers my friend.Cheers to our Editor-in-Chief! And cheers to your brave moves last night. *Winks*
• Thank you to LG, Aldous, and Carlo for walking ICF home and for praying for us. Thanks guys!
• Nellie, you're probably the only person in the world who can go an entire hour listening to my love rants and gushes and not go mad. Cheers to you and your own love life. True love waits! *glasses clink*

I know February is Gone...

so forgive the mush that's about to follow. Once in a blue moon lang po.

You leave my side at first chance
You’re silent the whole way home
You won’t talk to me, you fidget silently
But maybe that’s for my good

Better leave right away
And save me any moments
You’re much too kind
I’m much too comfortable

My covenant sisters are for us
They hesitate to pray
They think it would be cute
But I don’t know your mind

And who knows if my heart’s
Just fluttering on you for a minute
And who said I was ready
That I could awaken love?

So I’ll attempt poetry to bleed it out
And my readers will have to bear
Each mushy gushy trail of words
Until you leave for good

Conclusion

It was rational and calm. We were, by God's grace, all willing to listen, brave enough to speak, and humble enough to submit to each other. My stand did not win but I can keep my peace and submit to the decisions we all made. We are accountable to all people but we are accountable to God above all. I can now pray for us all, the new and the old, the past and the future.

May God bless and keep us, make His face to shine upon us and the dormitories we so love. May He have mercy on us all. May His love continue to constrain us and bind us as a fellowship that strives to glorify Him and seeks to be a place of mercy, acceptance and growth for all.

Amen.

It Has Been A Good Day

It feels good to finally say sorry for the deeds and words that hurt. It feels good to have your victim smile at you. It feels incredibly good to have a friend back.

It feels great to have someone to rough out the "rebellious teenage stage" of Christian spirituality with. It feels good to know you are not alone with your thoughts and feelings. It feels incredibly good to have a hand that's as cold as yours holding you.

It is good to have a friend well-acquainted with your past. It is good to have a friend who will not judge you for errors done. It is good to have someone who can keep your secrets.

God has been gracious to me today. Thank You. I wish that thanks would go beyond words but I hope that suffices for the moment.

Discord

Unity does not come with forced silences and rebukes about pride. True unity is the agreement of every constituent. It is better to have a few hours noise and chaos than an underlying current of dissension, a tension disguised in silence.

Ours is no ideal world. One must adjust to the reality of circumstances. Try as we might, waving a wand won't fix all in one flick. Let's not break the leg in hopes to make it stronger. That's sheer folly. Work with it, patiently and diligently, and strength will build up in time.

Let us not waste those called by God, obedient to His will, and able to give.

Let us not haul the weary and the worn into a battle from which they have received relief from.

"Pending" is a nice, convenient word, but I believe I said too many lies awhile ago when I used it. Why? Maybe because there was a flash of disappointment in your eyes...

Please listen. Listen.

Even those great and mighty are not immune to fallibility.

If it's not broken, don't fix it. If it's broken, fix it well.

I wish I knew what the future holds. But it is not for me for me to know. I can only trust that He lights my path for me and directs it.

I know not why I am here. I do not hear the voices they hear or see the signs they see. I simply find myself where I am and I simply try to live believing this is a place He has set my feet upon. I can't say I do this for love for Him or for His glory ahead of the work...I simply find myself in awe at the end of it all that that is what He has allowed and equipped me to do.

We might have been too quick. Let's tread lightly and slowly on these new moors.

---POST SCRIPT: There's new scrap papers in the bin because I freshened up the studio.

Allez Krissy

My impending reunion with relatives in the US and Singapore is making me mucho mucho body-conscious. That and the fact that in my Stat 132 class, composed entirely of 22 females, I am the heaviest. We did a survey for our lecture. It was kinda depressing to have classmates that were 5'6"ers and 5'8"ers weighing just 115 lbs at most. So don't tell me I weigh this much because of my height.

I'm trying to figure out how I can lose 10 lbs because this BMI calculator on the web tells me my ideal weight is 122 lbs and I'm a neat 10 lbs over that. MSN Prevention says losing 1.5 lbs a week is the safe thing to do so that's a bummer since I have less than a month, I think, before trip and those embraces where your relatives tell you, "My goodness! You're all grown up now, a woman! And you've gained weight! You used to be so thin---my goodnesss!"

So, get with the program Krissy. Let's make good use of the time left. I'm a little skeptical of my ability to avoid the late night snacking on highly processed foods crammed with fat because it is finals month and acad stress means a hungrier Krissy at two in the morning. Maybe a supply of bananas will solve that. We'll see.

Jogging at least three times a week. How to fit that into my schedule, I don't know. Basta, huwag friday and Saturday, lest you kill yourself jogging then dancing ballet. Winsor Pilates every other day. Hey, it just takes 20 minutes so that shouldn't bum a lot.

Maybe cut down on food intake to allow for late-night snacks. I wonder, is that healthy? But for a month, should I care about healthy?

Anyway, should anyone care to join me on my quest for a lighter, fitter and more flexible body, send me a text message. I'll be here, trying not to go out to the WelCom sale to get a bar of chocolate and downing several liters of water.

My roommates think I'm so motivated. Let me tell you, I'm just scared and insecure.

So Sue Me

And so it begins, another season of Lent. Out of obligation, there's a lot of things I could give up --- chocolate, barbari bread, blogging, movies --- just thinking about all the options gives me this emotional high that comes with good intentions and noble notions. [Perhaps that's just another phrase for pride and the road to hell is paved with good intentions.] But given my current spiritual condition, all of it seems sacrilegious.

Somewhere in Madeleine L'Engle's "The Moon by Night", Vicky's uncle says to her that perhaps the worse thing we can be towards God is indifferent.

Lately, I've been apathetic about a lot of things. But mostly about my walk with God. I feel like there ought to be something more, like I'm not doing enough, or that I'm not not doing enough. But I don't know what it is and, really, I'm just too tired or lazy to find out.

My shelf is crammed with Christian literature. I bought an entire batch of books last Christmas for the purpose of learning more about my faith and about life and God. But I haven't read a single one. During the Open House, I stashed them away in my closet lest someone comes in and thinks, "Wow, you read all that stuff?"

The appetite for anything theological or spiritual has waned. It's like I'm reading the same things over again. And I don't have a single original thought. I'm afraid that when my the women I mentor get into reading more books, they'll be exclaiming, "Hey, Krissy said this during this Bible Study..."

I can't dig out anything new and nothing excites. I don't see that abundance of life so promised, that brilliance of light and Spirit in my life, that peace and calm, that beauty I think someone who knows and walks in the Light should radiate.

I've taken to listening to Bible Gateway's audio Bibles because my mind just wanders when I pick up my Bible and read it on my own. I can listen to entire chunks of books before anything hits me. And the last time that something hit me was weeks ago.

What do I know about God? Why am I here? Why do I do the things I do? Why persist at this digging? Will I look in the mirror tomorrow and actually like what I see or at least not cringe? Why did You pick me? Why aren't You taking off this ministry?

This Lent: God, help me not give up on You and me.