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Krissy: hmmm...i hate this
Joy: what?
Krissy: well, not exactly hate. but now's one of those times when purity is tagged with a high price.
Joy: you said. I've been struggling myself. It's like a freakin' rollercoaster ride
Krissy: and a viscious cycle sometimes.
Joy: how true... I keep asking God to rebuild my crumbling house of faith... do you think He's not tired of all the repetitions?... I sometimes think He is
Krissy: well, the Bible says He isn't so we'll just have to go with that.
Krissy: Although, more often than not, it definitely does seem like He is... and sometimes, I wish we could just start on another thing and leave the other a crumbled heap.
Joy: yeah, one of these days, I feel He will throw His hammer at me
Krissy: nyehe, well...if he ever does that He'll make sure it hits you so that another part if dealt with and you're actually better off being hit than not at all...i think.
Krissy: i meant "is dealt with"
Joy: I dunno man, I feel like hitting my head against the wall
Joy: I'm too stubborn although I don't want to be
Krissy: man, it seems like one big lull, this walk with God. like nothings happenning...
Krissy: yeah, I know. me too. I pray Lord I wanna be like this and then right after I say amen, I go and do it.
Joy: I know, sometimes you feel like walking off the race track, but at the same time you can't bear to
Joy: but you won't move
Krissy: because there's no other track...
Krissy: and yet the track ahead doesn't seem any better.
Krissy: and if you just could, you'd begin walking back to that part where things actually happened.
Joy: I know, we pitiful pitiful creatures
Krissy: sometimes I get depressed just looking at myself in the mirror.
Joy: I know me too man, I just can't understand myself
Krissy: I seriously believe that the Christians who die at their own hands don't do it shaking their fists at God. Rather, they look in the mirror, get overwhelmed by shame and guilt and hate what they see in it.
Krissy: sometimes it even gets to the point where reminding yourself of who you are is painful and reminding yourself of His infinite patience and love is absurd.
Krissy: but you somehow have to keep at it.
Joy: I know, man. Tsk, sometimes I lie awake at night feeling so angry at myself because I'm hopeless, you know?
Krissy: yeah I know.
Krissy: when I get like that, I go to sleep right away...joke. it's our pride. I think if we were to have some kind of imrovement in ourselves, the knowledge that we got over something, the number of days/weeks/months that we have managed to not commit this certain sin, all this will go into our heads. and God knows it.
Joy: so what do we do?
Krissy: and if in this way, we would learn to trust Him to love us, to be patient with us and to forgive, He would take us this way.
Krissy: I honestly don't know. I think, or at least what i try to do, is to will myself to trust Him and know that I will never be perfect but that whatever I do right is done by Christ inside me, Christ increasing in me and not by me.
Krissy: and so I pray that He continue to tear me apart (but gently please) to make room for Him. Because who I am right now is really freaky.
Joy: Ditto
1 comment:
Well, I guess that's true for all who look to God because we recognize His holiness and see ourselves in His light...
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