Painfully Aware

It was a day to remember:

1. My insides fell out. Naturally that hurts. Still does actually and I'm trying to nurse it away with some good green tea.
2. I was lonely not because I was single, but because it seems like I've lost all the good friends I could share silences and shouts with.
3. An older brother in Christ cared to come out all the way to the dorm and listen to me rant. Thank you po. Thank you so much for listen ing and praying.
4. Gillian, my roommate, gave me a white rose. She's the first roommate to do that for me.
5. Jordan and the other guys at Yakal got serenaded by the YCF women. They also got flowers.
6. I actually got an affirmative answer from my Mom when I asked for more money in the middle of the month!
7. Just when I thought I'd never have to think about her again, she writes me a letter and gives me a few scalding remarks not just about my character but about my dancing too. There is a thin line one has to walk in rebuking people. On one side is love, on the other is judgement. I have walked and slipped and I've asked forgiveness. No need to condemn me. No right to do so either. And did you not read that I was about to exhausted to the point of tears that day when I danced that way?
8. On other fronts, a friend laughed when she saw how I was feeling what I had inflicted on her. I probably deserve that. But it still hurt. And like I said, I'm all alone.
9. So with no best friends and no money, I hear the God's curse on Eve echoing in my head. Could it be that God is hemming me in so that I would surrender and look to Him? I feel like Israel in Hosea---as if God is stripping me of everything that I may return to Him for His love tolerates no rivals.
10. Circumstances thereby found me flopped down on the grass in the Sunken Garden, furiously writing out poems. I don't really like poems because I need someone to read them out to me for me to appreciate tham, but there I was churning out verses. I don't think they're very good. But perhaps, they are a start. I think it will do no harm to borrow some Dickinson and E. Bishop from the library.
11. Lord, I pray that You grant me the power, along with all You people, to understand the greatness of Christ's love--- how wide and how long and how high and how deep that love is.