Drapes

I’ve always wanted to make-up my eyes this way. But opportunity has never presented itself and I have never been a fairy for one night.

I went out this afternoon wearing some olive eyeshadow. Not because I had a date. Not because I had a party to go to and thankfully not because I was having an exam. My roommates were a little intrigued by my reply to why I had bother to do my eyes today: “I just felt like it.” I’ve been feeling very girly lately. Suddenly I want to revamp my wardrobe, add some more feminine blouses and frilly skirts; buy some pearl earrings; get new flats and a pair of wedge espadrilles; get some new nail polish; and experiment with bolder colors and combinations of make-up. I must be growing up. In an entirely different way. Or maybe just changing. And I hope it’s for the better.

***

I want to go home and hug my Mom, inhale the smells of her cooking, bite into freshly-picked fruit, tease Dad about his obsession over fallen leaves in the yard, and watch a movie with my brothers. I miss my family terribly.

***

It’s that time of the year again and I can’t help but remember you. I no longer recall the bad times before the good times, and that must show that I’m healing and perhaps learning to forgive both of us. You’re the only guy who knew me to that extent, whom I’ve trusted implicitly and loved, and perhaps that is why the betrayal wounded me beyond what you could ever know. And wounded creatures can become the most frightening ones. And that, you came to find out in the weeks that followed. Have you forgiven me for my “Count of Monte Cristo”-like revenge?

I no longer ponder the what ifs of our fated relationship. I believe God led me through that and He used that to powerfully speak to my life in ways I can only appreciate now. You made me wonder what I was going to spend my life on, you challenged me to form my own opinion, you held me up and stood beside me in the glare of so many lights, through you I learnt that risk can pay-off, you encouraged my dreams and ambitions, you made me do the craziest things that will forever be precious memories and you cried when I cried. There is so much to be thankful for in the years we had. Our mothers might not have been told directly but I believe they knew and when it ended, it was ironic how they tried to have us make peace.

I had thought back then that we were wiser than our years. Perhaps not.

I’ve chosen to wait on My Master’s leading in these slippery paths the heart can take. I trust He knows me better than I do, than you do, than my own mother knows me. And He loves me beyond measure. Love covers a multitude of sins and fears, or so I’ve read.

I hope you are fine, that you’ll find your way back. I am afraid to break it to you yet again, but His love demands exclusivity, He is a jealous One, and while that may seem imprisoning, it has been only a walk of freedom for me. And freedom and abundance is what He has promised. You know these words… I’m sorry for repeating them.

I’ll be around if you’d like to share a cup of coffee and a few stories. I wish you peace, my dear friend.