...nothings happening in this walk with God. Really. Now don't roll your eyes like that. I'm wandering about that too. About how I can speak at ICF, how I can disciple people and how much spirituality I sprout at random moments through my mouth when here I am saying nothings happening.
Really, all that's outside stuff. It terrifies me how I can lead a Bible study when I'm in this state. There's a certain confidence that a person has when she's in sync with God. Something like, nothing can go wrong, or something might, but it'll be okay because the Lord is with me. When you're not in tune like that, it's terrible. Every insecurity and doubt and fear rears its ugly head and there's no one to hold you close, reassure you and basically give you a spine.
Try this out. Compare Kristina circa 2001 and Kristina today and I don't come up with much of an inner difference. I may know more but I certainly am not more loving/sensitive/compassionate/thoughtful. Am I becoming more like Christ or just another scribe who knows the scrolls and I'm missing on the real thing?
Well, I could always chalk it up to my mediocre personal Bible study/prayer time/meditation. Yeah, perhaps it's that.
Okay now, it's late. I should go do that now.
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