Fingerprints on a Dusty Shelf

I’ve had a lot of ideas floating around in my head and I’ve been meaning to really sit down and write about them, giving each the right amount of attention. Unfortunately, one must bow to the time constraints in one’s life. So right off the top of my head, in a sheer attempt to preserve if but just bits of them, like fingerprints on a dusty shelf:

1. Last Tuesday, we had Tots Guillermo (one of the best saxophone and jazz artists of our country) play for us. He has been learning the shakahachi, a Japanese variation of the flute. He played us a piece called the “Mating of the Cranes”. We all noticed the silences between notes. I dismissed it thinking that the music was really that slow. But Sir Tots later explained that those silences meant something. The Japanese call it the ma or the universe speaking. Silence is a part of the music and is filled with meaning. One Japanese musician took out his koto and strummed his fingers over it but never touching it, and therefore no note was played. This whole thing happened at a concert. Western music is some what terrified of silences. We may have breaks here and there but never the long, drawn out quiet of Japanese music. It brings to mind the verse “Be still and know that I am God.”
2. In my excitement in writing the previous post, I neglected to mention that my cousins from Singapore are here. They’re in the province right now. The Flores family will be staying here in the Philies until Sunday and on Saturday we will be doing something like “Before Sunrise”. I have an exam from 1-5pm so I’ll only be able meet them after that. Omar has an exam also so he’ll be catching a bus from Baguio to Manila around 4pm. So I guess we’ll be staying up on Saturday night just so we can all spend time together.
3. I might be going back to ballet class after all. Might. Am still praying for it and for the needed funding. If anyone can spare P1,600 (about $30) a month, here’s one lady who would love to be a recipient of your generosity. :) Really now, if you know a somebody who needs private tutoring, do let me know. Thanks!
4. I have this programming subject this semester (Stat 124) and it’s nasty. I hate all these flowcharts and pseudocodes. I am so thankful that I told my mom I didn’t want to major in Computer Science, a course that was in demand at the time of my high school graduation. This is the [stupid] exam that is going to steal me away for four hours from the family reunion on Saturday.
5. So Noli De Castro has [finally] spoken. He’s still on GMA’s side and said that it was premature to withdraw support from the President. I got to owe it to the guy, he’s been wise in his movements during these times.
6. Do you know that Canada legalized gay marriage? Hope to write more on this in the distant future.
7. Yesterday, I took my Stat 131 (Parametric Inferential Statistics) first exam. I can only say that the there is a 90% probability that I will get an utterly low score and that I am taking that kind of result very hard. Imagine me knocking head on wall repeatedly. It wouldn’t be too far from the truth.
8. Still not down on my splits but there has been a tiny improvement. One must celebrate tiny victories.
9. I just want to explain the Pillow Book section in the sidebar. I’ve been reading Liza Dalby’s The Tale of Murasaki and learning some more interesting stuff about ancient Japan. A pillow book is what ladies called any book or notebook they slept beside. They would sleep next to them so that if they ever got some inspiration to write a waka (precursor of the haiku), they could just roll over, grab their brushes and write. In my case though, I read.
10. I’ve been hearing much griping over the latest installment of Harry Potter. Does anyone have a precious copy that I can borrow so I can gripe along with the rest of the world?
11. Oh, I got a copy of "Sex and the Supremacy of Christ" in my e-mail inbox. I've read through the introduction and I'm hooked. I'll be doing a review on it sometime soon so stay around for that, please.

Perfect Endorsement & Endorser for Soap

It is established theory(?) that when a person is faced with the possible loss of her possessions, whatever she takes when she flees are those things she thinks most valuable.

Until last night, my practice in this sort of thing was limited to online quizzes or to group discussions where the question “If you could bring just five items in an emergency, what would you grab on your way out?” Other than that, nada. But I do have this bizarre habit of “surveying” a place and planning escape routes in case of emergencies.

Moving on, around midnight last night (1), a loud, rather dull pop was heard. We all thought it was some piece of furniture that fell over. No one stirred in our room. Nellie continued studying and the three of us lay prostate on our beds (2).

It began getting noisy in the hallways. Ladies were running around and chattering. Then we heard screams. By then, me and Gillian sat up and wondered what all the commotion was about. The three of us gazed out the window to see residents of the houses at behind the dorm scurrying around, shouting and carrying their belongings. We joined the rest of the ladies out in the corridor to investigate. We were told that a fire had broken out in the residential area right next to us and there had been a gas explosion. We were told to switch off all electrical appliances, get out valuables and evacuate our rooms.

So we woke up Apple (who thought we were playing some joke on her) and grabbed bags for our “valuables”. We gathered in the lobby as fire trucks tore screaming past us. We were rather calm, only panicking when we couldn’t find Apple in the lobby. I texted Mom, who was surprisingly calm about everything. (3) Tin and Giselle led us in prayer. After our “Amen” we were told that the fire had been contained and that it was safe to go back to our rooms. God does really quick jobs. :) (4)

This is the funny part. When we got back to the room, we shook out our bags to put our belongings back. Here is where we found out what each of us found most valuable.

Gillian: Cellphone, laptop, wallet, calculator

Apple: Cellphone, laptop, wallet, pillow

Nellie: Cellphone, laptop and charger, four wallets (she’s quite the entrepreneur), change of clothes

Kristina: Cellphone and charger, laptop and charger, wallet, calculator, change of clothes, Bible, journal, Safeguard (an antibacterial soap no less)

They all broke out in a paroxysm when they saw the Safeguard bar tumble out of my bag: the proof of my overly fastidious efforts/concerns of cleanliness. Tatak OC.

A couple of observations:

None of us brought any of our academic books. Haha! However, calculators made it to Gillian's and my Most Important Stuff List. We actually went looking for them!

Gillian actually had to be ordered to bring her laptop. I guess she’s rich enough to leave it behind. Peace Gillian!

Apple gazed at her shelf for some time trying to decide what to bring.

I managed to grab the handbag I used during a family excursion earlier yesterday and the handbag contained make-up, several packets of food, an umbrella, a novel (The Tale of Murasaki). Hehe, I looked like quite the girl scout when the others saw all this. I had to wait for the laughter to die down to explain myself.

Nellie was the calmest of us all and the most worried when we couldn’t find Apple. Dami wallet Nellie, dami talaga. Yaman mo na ah. :)

Leaders emerge during these times. Very good leaders.

Lesson learned (and I quote Miriam here):

Kapag may sunog, gayahin natin si Ate Krissy: Magdala ng Safeguard!

[When there's a fire, follow Ate Krissy: Bring Safeguard!]

PS. Just to explain how the Safeguard ended up in my bag: I turned to grab my Bible and journal on my shelf and I saw the Safeguard right next to them so I grabbed it as well. Cleanliness is indeed next to godliness. A whole new perspective on the quote, huh?

Footnotes:

(1) Someone tell me why I feel like there is something wrong in this sentence.
(2) As usual. This ought to tell you who among us four is graduating with honors. ;)

(3) Carlo also texted to ask how we were. Thanks for your prayers!

(4) Some people lost their homes last night. I don't know if there were any casualties. If you would like to help, please bring clothes/money/your help to Ilang. There are boxes at the entrance where you can place them. Please also include them in your prayers.

In the shower and out of this world

I finally found something to use as a barre. (Yippee?)

I did some of my stretching today in one of the bath cubicles here in the dorm. As it turns out, the soap dish holder (what are you really supposed to call them anyway?) is installed as high as my ribs, which is the ideal height for barres. I have come to a point where the bars around the dorm halls (which are as high as my hips) are too low and I can no longer feel a stretch. And so this is an improvement of sorts. If I remember anything from my three month stint in ballet, it’s my ballet mistress urging us to push ourselves a little bit more than the last time so that slowly but steadily, you’d raise your legs higher or split lower.

So it’s the shower cubicle now. The small space limits the stretches I can do but it’s a start.

I find myself almost driven to a distraction by my, shall we say, dance urges. I slip away in class when a ballet suddenly shows up in my mind. When I’m walking around the campus, I find myself spotting steps with my hands, sometimes even with my feet.

I think the daydreams and the dancing in the middle of parking lots are tolerable. What’s difficult for me is the hollow ache. I really want to go back to ballet classes but it’s not a likely event. At times, it almost seems tangible, this desire and the pain of dissatisfaction. I have to dance/stretch/walk it off.

Look, I’m not aspiring to professional dance. I don’t think I have natural talent or grace.

There’s just something about dancing. You train yourself for, say, four weeks or more. You get embarrassed (I'm such a slow learner), you cry, you get so exhausted. You sometimes waddle ala Bridget Jones to classes because your legs are just so sore (the stairs at CAL and AS are particularly agonizing). And all that culminates in a five minute routine. But in that span of time, you fly. You forget about the past four weeks or so, the exhaustion, the embarrassment, the tears. You forget about whoever’s watching you or what they might say. You forget about why you’re even there, doing it. The world is suddenly simplified into just three things: yourself, the music and this amazing, sudden rush of life.

I may be getting overly dramatic here, in the vain effort to concretize my emotions and thoughts. But that, ladies and gentlemen, is the whole truth, nothing but the truth of everything I feel and think right now.

Is this the price for passion?

Deep breath in, deep breath out

1. I took my German 10 midterms today. It wasn't so bad. I messed up on the gender of a couple of nouns and on the conjugation of some difficult verbs, but other than that, it was somewhat painless. My thanks to all those who prayed and to my roommates who suffered through my whines last night when I freaked out. Thank You for the wisdom.

2. I have my a problem set to do for my Statistics 131 and I have to get ready for another exam in my Statistics 124 on Saturday. Your prayers will be much appreciated.

3. If you'd have seen me an hour ago, I'd be walking aimlessly. I spent some time trying to figure out how to get back into my ballet class. I could try not eating on weekends so I can pay for my tuition... But, duh, right? So I am now considering that private tutor thing or renting out VCDs/DVDs. But it'll take ages to get the amount to pay for my classes. Not to mention the fare going to the school, the new tights I need (the old ones have runs in them!) and, in the distant future, the pointe shoes and all that they need (i.e. ribbon, elastic, toe pads...). Sigh. Am feeling a little discouraged. I wonder how much classes are at Halili-Cruz... Are they cheaper there kaya?

4. Countdown to seeing the much-missed Flores family: 2 days. I can survive two days more...I think.

5. Jevovah Tsid'kenu: The LORD is my Righteousness. It's been running through my mind the whole day. How totally freeing to finally accept that I can not give anything to God.

About that cool pic of me on the right...

My cousin Cris fixed it up for me. :) He's really good at these things. Check out http://redforblood.deviantart.com/gallery/ Do leave comments on his art. He loves getting them. :)


I just gave him a photo of mine and about a week later here's what he came up with. Kinda dark, I know, but it's cool don't you think? Never thought I could give out this kind of feel, this gothic, anime, eclavu... It rocks!

Thanks Cris!

Before:




After:

What a horrific, terrible, um...

Oh Lord, now it's London...

The cabinet members have resigned...

We just filed a complaint re. our "living conditions"...

*Screams*

All I can do at the moment: "Lord, have mercy on us...."

I...need...some...thing...maybe

You'd think I'd be contented when I chose to follow Christ. Isn't there that "market line" for Christianity that God is everything you need (which is Biblical)? But even now, going four years, I constantly feel like there is something missing. I constantly feel empty or un-whole. I keep seeking for some magical plug to push into this hole that hasn't disappeared.

Pastor Caloy (Kuya Caloy), in one of his many letters he sent me, wrote: Kristina, I pray that you would find His grace sufficient for you.

Until now, I can't forget that. I keep going back to that verse and remembering Kuya Caloy's prayer for me. God is basically telling me that He is my everything. He is all I need. He can satisfy my every need and desire. From time to time, I don't believe that He IS my everything. I am brought back to the truth of it by the smallest incidents. One time, when I was pining especially hard for a guy, for marriage, I saw this local celebrity (a Christian) talk about how even in his relationship with his wife and family, he wasn't fulfilled. There was this part of him that even in this most intimate of relationships wasn't touched. It was like God telling me that even in marriage, I'd still have this annoying hole of need.

And so, in all things, I live with the truth that the Lord, my Master, is also my Bestfriend, my Lover, my Father, my everything. There may be things He choses not to give me and in those miserable times, still He will suffice. So if this nagging search instinct in me helps me land on His step everytime, well then, welcome my friend.

P.S. Angelina Jolie adopted another child, this time from Ethiopia. The woman is truly fascinating. I like her a lot.

Honestly...

...nothings happening in this walk with God. Really. Now don't roll your eyes like that. I'm wandering about that too. About how I can speak at ICF, how I can disciple people and how much spirituality I sprout at random moments through my mouth when here I am saying nothings happening.

Really, all that's outside stuff. It terrifies me how I can lead a Bible study when I'm in this state. There's a certain confidence that a person has when she's in sync with God. Something like, nothing can go wrong, or something might, but it'll be okay because the Lord is with me. When you're not in tune like that, it's terrible. Every insecurity and doubt and fear rears its ugly head and there's no one to hold you close, reassure you and basically give you a spine.

Try this out. Compare Kristina circa 2001 and Kristina today and I don't come up with much of an inner difference. I may know more but I certainly am not more loving/sensitive/compassionate/thoughtful. Am I becoming more like Christ or just another scribe who knows the scrolls and I'm missing on the real thing?

Well, I could always chalk it up to my mediocre personal Bible study/prayer time/meditation. Yeah, perhaps it's that.

Okay now, it's late. I should go do that now.

Apparently...

1) Pedestrian lanes don’t exist in the Philippines. I mean, they’re there sure but few “get” the idea. You see pedestrians crossing at random points. I suggest sitting down in a place where you have a good view of a busy street and observe. You’ll find out how adventurous some of my countrymen can get. And drivers seem to read ‘Rules” as “Suggestions”. I’ve tried crossing the street using a pedestrian lane and apparently, the vehicles won’t even slow down. It’s really lovely. There are two reasons I persist in crossing at (on? over? what gives?) pedestrian lanes: It’s the right thing to do and in case I get run over, my family may just have a good argument to present in court or whoever the authority is around here. And poor foreigners and tourists who think pedestrian lanes work in these islands. My German professor who got here in March nearly got run over today. He didn’t know about this thing. Poor guy was shocked.

2) My phone is in some sort of coma. Most of the time it won’t respond to my finger’s efforts. But, there are these rather grand times when it wakes up and discovers that, oooh, someone’s pressing my keypad and a letter “A” should be up on my LCD. Today’s a good day. My phone’s awake and I’ve been able to communicate. Although, it does space out a bit i.e. the space won’t work or it just dies on me only to vibrate on again. Is it acting up because it know that its replacement is on the way?

3) The typhoon that’s blazing(?) its way across Luzon swerved clear of Quezon City so classes weren’t suspended today. God is making it quite clear to me that there is no escape from my classes. I hear You Father, I hear You good.

4) A lot of people are asking me what I think about what’s going on in our islands. I hate to break it to you people but I’m not that “deep”. Honest. I haven’t really given the thing serious study and thought but so far, in all ignorance and annoyance, this is what I think: Okay, GMA. Nice going Madam. I’d want you to resign or something because I just can’t trust you anymore. But I don’t think our VP can hold that office just yet either. If you do get out of that office, there’s this entire mess of who’ll move into it. I think that move just destabilizes our nation more. And when you talk to any ordinary citizen trying to make ends meet in our poor country, they’re fed up of all this. So am I. So is everyone else, I think. You’d think this was all the buzz in our classrooms and dorm halls. But other than frowns, we let it drop. We want to move on. We’re too busy trying to figure out where to get the money to pay for our lodging, about our exams, about our tired parents who no longer care for this country and want their children to be out of it as soon as possible. Not a very critical and nationalistic opinion, I know. I regret to say that the possibility of me saying these words that my mother dreads to hear from me is getting smaller by the day: “Mom, I looove the Philippines. I believe it will get better. I want to stay here and serve our nation.” You may want to snob me the next time you see me. Trust me, I've suffered for my apparent lack of nationalism too much to bleed this time.

Note: I may be just a little too peeved.

The Porch recommends...

1. Derek Webb
If you are a Christian and haven’t heard this guy ever, you’re missing out on songs that go like this:

“its bonds shall never break

though earth’s old columns bow

the strong, the tempted, & the weak

are one in Jesus now”

“they'll know us by the t-shirts that we wear

they'll know us by the way we point and stare

at anyone whose sin looks worse than ours

who cannot hide the scars of this curse that we all bare
when love, love, love

is what we should be known for

love, love, love

it’s the how and it’s the why we live and breathe and we die”

“don’t want the song i want a jingle

i love you Lord but don’t hear a single

and the truth is nearly impossible to rhyme”

” the truth is never sexy

so it’s not an easy sell

you can dress her like the culture but she’ll shock ‘em just as well

because she don’t need an apology for being who she is”

“i am my beloved's and my beloved’s mine

so you bring all your history

and i’ll bring the bread and wine
and we’ll have us a party where all the drinks are on me

then as surely as the rising sun you will be set free”

2. Fruit Magic
Location: Next to G-Video, found on the street that’s between McDonalds and Shakeys in Katipunan.
If you love fresh fruit shakes and salads, here’s your place. It’s cheaper to study here than in Starbucks or Seattle’s. You can get a glass of blended fruit for as low as P45. My favourite is Blueberry Blast, a mixture of blueberries, banana and pineapple with milk and yogurt.

3. Not combing your hair when you’ve got wavy hair.
I haven’t dragged a comb through my wavy hair for two days already and what do you know, it’s actually all the better for it! It’s not frizzy, it doesn’t have unnecessary volume. Wrap in towel for ten minutes then finger dry. Working in some leave-on conditioner or mousse helps a lot. Shampoo AND condition. (Wow! me giving out his kind of advice?! Please take with a cup of caution.)

4. Neutrogena Body Washes
Wakes me up in the morning, doesn’t leave residue, gives me the squeaky clean without drying my skin out. Try the Herbal Wash in the morning and the vanilla one at night before bed.

5. Starbucks Rhumba

6. Limewire: No bundled software!!!

7. Desperate Housewives

8. Faber Castel mechanical pencils

9. Yahoo Mail: Wayyy more space

10. Spyware Doctor

Happy Birthday Auntie Pina!

On one of my sadder days...

"Forgiveness is the name of love practiced among people who love poorly. The hard truth is that all of us love poorly. We need to forgive and be forgiven every day, every hour --- unceasingly. That is the great work of love among the fellowship of the weak that is the human family."

I forgot the person who quoted this, but I never forgot her message.