Tales

I must have had about five people ask me about God during the months when I thought I was going agnostic. It was weird to me at the time. There I was, wanting to leave Christianity alone, wanting nothing to do with God, and yet defending the faith, talking about the Man. It was frustrating because it was like God was dogging me at my heels at every turn. It's not that I stopped believing God existed. I think I just didn't want to follow Him in the way that I was. I felt like such a phony. I felt pretty bad. I also could not help getting angry whenever I was with people who worshipped him and looked so happy and sure about the wheres and the whys of their lives.

My first Bible is with a former roommate of mine who received it as a gift from me a day after she decided to take Jesus seriously on the salvation matter. I don't really miss the book per se. I miss the times I had back when I owned it. That Bible is covered in all sorts of highlights... Some pages bleeding raw, not a single word alone in white space. The words were alive, they were spoken to me and they hit home. Those were the times I'd just sit on my bed and talk endlessly to God and know He was listening. I'd sit there for a long time just enjoying all the stuff he said and all the light just seeping into me. I'm surprised my roommates did not call a psychiatrist. I was the Chesire cat, grinning ear to ear, just basking in a love so outrageous.

A classmate stood up after our class today and shared the story of his life. I was awestruck...and a little envious. You could tell he was having tangible interaction with God. He didn't sound like he was after you praying for salvation or like he was after anything at all but telling you about his best bud. It was something beautiful and true. And it got our classmates talking about God. Cool.

I try not to think about my Christian growth, about being mature or about who I'm supposed to be. It's too complex for me and maybe it's not what I should be thinking about. My bestfriend says I'm a fast learner. God knows otherwise. I'm a mule. I'm a wrestler. I'm a runner. Pretending to be anything else robs me of really experiencing the vastness of grace, love, justice and joy that is Jesus Christ.

I feel like I'm unconventional and some have called me liberal, whatever that means. It makes me afraid to pray in groups. It makes me afraid.

Life's messy right now. But this road continues to look more right as I walk it.