Play "Heart of Life" by John Mayer

"I hate to see you cry
Lying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears
And listen"

I've been sad for days. So on Saturday I allowed myself a good 3-minute cry (tears do not come easily when I need them the most). And while I was curled up there, I remembered...

"Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good"

...that I finally found a job that fits into my career path as a clinical/medical statistician. It's part-time until I graduate. By April, if nothing new comes up, I'll work full time. I never thought an opportunity like this would come up but it did. God is not against me.

"You know, it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
But, then your circle of friends
Will defend the silver lining"

...all the people that cared for me and prayed for me while I was sick in the hospital. Getting sick and dying alone is among my greatest fears. I haven't exactly been a really great person so I thought no one would care. But when I was sick and I felt like I was dying, it was such an incredible blessing to have people turn up and prove me wrong.

"Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good"

...all the people who turned up last Saturday for Openhouse. I'm a terrible hostess and they had to bear with me. I enjoyed the time we spent together and was greatly encouraged by them.

"Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good
I know it's good"

...that God is still patiently waiting for me. He should be pretty annoyed --- downright "wrathy" is more like it --- at me by now. But he's not. It's stupid and I know it. I do something for you, you do something for me. I know that my relationship with him does not work that way, that he owes me nothing, and that I should be repenting of this. But my knees are too proud and God knows my heart. And so it is annoying that I ache for His presence. Annoying but oddly comforting. My heart has yet to be fully stone. I am loved still. I am not that alone. And God is still God.