My Sentiments Exactly

Where is the blessedness I knew
When first I saw the Lord?
Where is the soul-refreshing view
Of Jesus and his word?

What peaceful hours I once enjoyed!
How sweet their memory still!
But they have left an aching void,
The world can never fill.

William Crowper, songwriter and one given to swings of emotion (so writes Ravi Zacharias), penned that one yet it captures my turmoil.

I bought Ravi's Cries of the Heart yesterday. Actually bought is seems inadequate to describe the two hour journey to finally approaching the cashier and shelling out money for the book. I walked around Fullybooked juggling it. I sat in the children's books section and stared at the book in my lap. I moved to the architecture section and wished the book wasn't wrapped in plastic. It was a battle of "No Kristina, it's got nothing new to say to you, you won't find anwsers!" against "Yes Kristina, buy it. It might just be the stern word you crave." Hope won out over pessimism.

Ravi's words in the chapter entitled "The Cry to Feel My Faith" were not new but the tone and delivery both validated my struggle and urged me on with the process of learning to hold my emotions by the Truth of God's Word. "Listen as God speaks. Out of the depths of truth He will tame your passions," writes Ravi. It is wholly tiring for me to feel like I have to beat my body into submission almost every moment. Yet I am reassured by His presence that the ground upon which I beat myself to stay on is to be preferred to the rollercoaster ride of emotions. His love beckons like no other and His shelter offers rest like no other. Dying to me in His gentle hands seems better than dying alone in the dark for things that shall pass. I am frustrated and disappointed by my inability to move along at times and so I pray that I would indeed find His grace sufficient for me.

Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless His holy name!
Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits!
...who forgives all your iniquity
...who heals all your diseases
...who redeems your life from the pit
...who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy
...who satisfies you with good
...who is merciful and gracious
...who is slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love
...who knows our frame and remembers that we are dust
Bless the Lord, O my soul! ~ Ps 103