There is a time for everything

It's nothing new when Nellie stands in the doorway of our bathroom while I'm sweating trying to scrub those vicious mildew groups off the walls and says, "Kristina, pwede ka na talagang mag-asawa."

And of course the routine reply from yours truly is "Yeah yeah..."

It got me thinking. Do I think I'm ready for marriage? What would being ready be like? By what parameters can I validly answer Tita Nona's question, "Are you ready for him?" with a yes?

I don't think I am fully ready for marriage; there's a lot of rough edges to me yet. At the same time, I don't think those edges will be smoothed out when God brings that man into my life. I can be a woman who is spiritually mature and growing, great with the household stuff, a good sister in Christ to the men I know and emotionally ready to be a wife and mother. But that does not guarantee that Mr. Man will come waltzing into my life.

Wherever I am in my journey can't be determined by things like this. I think. It's more about God's wise timing of events than my maturity, talents and abilities. And that makes me grateful to a God who knows how to plan my life and use even my flaws to His glory.

HUWAT?! Huwow!!!

ELLIOTT YAMIN WILL BE HERE!!! Yah-Meeen!!!

September 21, 2007 8:00pm Trinoma North Edsa
September 22, 2007 8:00pm Glorietta Makati
September 23, 2007 8:00pm Alabang Town Center Alabang
September 26, 2007 8:00pm Ayala Mall Cebu
September 28, 2007 8:00pm Market! Market! Taguig

"So baby I will wait for you / cause I don’t know what else I can do / don’t tell me I ran out of time / if it takes the rest of my life / baby I will wait for you..."

Ahahahaha.... Thanks to Jeff Garma for tipping me off.

This just knocks me off my feet!

Say that again will you?

Nellie on acquiring a copy of the book about the numbers behind Numb3rs:

"I'm willing to pay anything! Basta below P700."

Kristina on her comprehensive prayers for her future husband and their marriage:

"The Lord said to come to Him. So I came... with a list."

Joy on why we had to discuss certain things:

"NELLIE, this is BAY - O - LOGY. Haler."

In the Land of Melancholics

"If you kill all the phlegs in the world... wala lang. The world will go on without us," lamented LG last Sunday. See LG and Nellie are phlegamatics. This temperament is calm, cool, peaceful, and quiet. Kadalasang NR. Won't get involved/lead/initiate unless forced to do so but when they do they are extremely gifted leaders. And lately my two friends think they have nothing to contribute to society unlike the cholerics who set the world's goals, the sanguines who keep the world happy and the melancholics who provide art, music and drama.

Of course, I don't agree with any of their nonsense. The Phlegs are essential is what I say. They provide stability. They are good diplomats. They are the calm in the midst of storms. But do my friends believe me? No.

But last night, when I watched In the Land of Women with Nellie, we got a glimpse into a world where everyone was either melancholic or choleric. And it was not the prettiest picture. Melancholics go running in the rain, go kissing people they shouldn't, don't ask for help, wonder why everyone is so disappointed in them, idealize people they fall in love with, handle break-ups badly and don't recognize the people who truly love them. They get punched, they punch other people, they write long love letters, they go jogging and then they hit a tree because they jog with their eyes closed. They tend to say the wrong thing at the wrong time with all the right intentions. They tend to jump to conclusions. They also feel sad or angry for no particular reason. All highly entropic stuff. I recommend the movie. A better title for it would have been In the Land of Melancholics.

I am highly indebted to Phlegmatics like LG, Joy, Sheena and Kathy. They have kept me afloat in my periods when I did or am all of the above except the punching and getting punched part. They are my flotation devices and if they were to be eliminated from my world, I would die.

Cheers to Phlegmatics, the world's water wings!

On the 23rd I wish...

• That my birthday was that day instead of a Monday which everyone knows is the toughest day of the week
• For a great afternoon with six other ladies (perhaps more) over pizza, pasta and chicken wings
• For bus tickets home
• For a new wallet with lots of slots for all my cards and photos and a place for my coins. Something simple. Not black.
• For a smaller version of my ESV Bible
• For a gift certificate for Pancake House
• A deep, rich purple spag top
• A haircut at Azta Salon
• For people not to get stressed over getting me something. If they really want to just remeber that I'm cheap (as in St. Francis/Divi/Greenhills kind of cheap), I love knock-offs, my love languages are time and touch and I'm easily pleased.

Hit me... hard

"You weren't exactly the most obedient one...

(leaves and then after 20 minutes, comes up to me to say)

The battle is the Lord's but Noah still built the ark."

- Nellie. Sept 9, '07

Ah, the lovely ways Nellie causes paradigm shifts in my life.

A Fresh Brew of Trouble

Mom had to use that tone of voice to get me to throw away those white ballet flats. They were so comfortable and the no-brainer addition to almost every outfit I could ever wear. They had taken me so many places and it showed. I threw them away with a heavy heart and wished I hadn't for days afterward.

It took me two years to fully move on after our less than a year together. It wasn't the person I missed I think. But the everyday, seemingly ordinary things really get to you. Having someone to talk to for hours at an end. Lunches and dinners together. Random notes and reminders. How are you? Here let me help you with that. You know better than that Krissy...

And that's how I've felt all week. I was never one to let go easily. And it really is the everyday things that get to you and tire you out. Today I feel like I've been dragged through a rougher ride than usual.

God, please help me believe that the lines have fallen for me in pleasant places, that You are my cup and my portion, that there's a reason I feel empty and that You can fill me.

Food! Food! Food!

It's the worst possible time in the month to get the blues. Really. PMSing and then the blues. Or was the blues part of the PMS?

All I want to do is eat.

Roasted chicken. Lots of romaine lettuce and honey mustard. Raisins covered in dark chocolate. Double trouble from Bread Talk. Brownies! Particulary the walnut brownies from Starbucks. Sanfo chocolate sprinkle caramel apples. Garlic pasta. Strawberries. Strawberry ice from Quickly. Adobo. Thank God that Tita Fil decided to cook some last night...

But. Still. Wanting. More.

Pepsi Max. Chocolate crinkles. Green mangoes. Even if that means getting a bad allergic reaction. Shrimp sinigang. Even if that means getting a worse allergic reaction.

And then I look in the mirror and hear "One second on your lips, forever on your hips". Woman! Control yourself! It's food for heaven's sake. NOT LOVE!

Say it with me again Appetite.

"It's food not love."

Glimpses

I was feeling sadder than usual last night. I just lay there on the top bunk, staring at Psalm 13, letting its powerful words wrap their arms around me and hoping that I will indeed cease taking counsel in my own soul ang trust in His mercy.

Then Nellie got up from the lower bunk and began teasing me. She was so cute. For a moment I thought of my future daughter. Of how she'd come and settle into my arms, give me wet kisses and hug me then say "Mommy, don't be sad. I messed up the kitchen just for you to clean and be happy."

And that made me feel lighter.

The Lord has dealt bountifully with me.

What September Means to Me

1. I'll be celebrating another year of life and praying that the next year be better.
2. I'm five sixths done with my training and one month closer to being a full-fledged PSRC-RI Research Associate. Market research rocks... If you choose to look at it that way.
3. Christmas songs will be playing on the radio. It's the Philippines and our four - or is that five - month long Christmas season. I love Christmas but this part I hate. This and the packed malls.
4. Two months more and this thing will turn into a year. Interesting. I still don't know if we're going to go somewhere else but I'm learning to enjoy this time. Walk by faith babe.
5. Lots of work. Overtime hours and four hour nights. Lots of projects.
6. Trying to decide on the worship leading thingy.
7. The DCF Alumni Homecoming on the 22nd

Hello to Mcul in Texas. There dearie, did a lot of updating for you. Hehehe... Be well.

This Side

Hello, I'm Krissy. I'm 23 and single. There are good days and bad days but all in all, I'm not all too eager for this season of my life to end. And for reasons other than I'm a little young for that end.

Don't get me wrong, I pine, whine and pray for a husband. My thoughts on marriage are still the same. But I'm discovering singleness as the gift it was meant to be and not the curse I always wanted to break away from.

It's an amazing time of discovering and appreciating that God made me a woman, appreciating my call in life as a woman and embracing the role I was created for. It's being about my self-esteem and where I should really find my beauty in. It's about being wooed by God until the time He allows me to wooed by someone else. It's making peace with myself and God.

Of course, it's also about weekends with girlfriends, about painting my nails purple, knowing that you can take on a job with crazy hours and being okay with messing up the cooking.

I look forward to its end but I will also miss it when I cross over.

Nice end to such a busy week

I'm definitely NOT where I planned to be and this is nowhere close to any of my dreams. It's depressing especially at the end of what seemed like a 14 day week. But Candice gave me some huge encouragement. This week has not been wasted. God doesn't do waste.

Faithfulness today with whatever you currently have to work with is the path God calls you to take. How you do with a little responsibility will affect how much more responsibility you'll get. That goes for the job you're in right now, as well as for any internship, mission trip, volunteer work or freelance assignment you might take on. If you'll handle each responsibility by faithfully meeting needs and doing your work as unto God, He will faithfully guide you to the next step along the way to realizing the dream He placed in you.

It's there but not quite

I haven't been home for more than three months and that's nothing new. My lifestyle has been mobile ever since I hit high school. At the age of 13, I was hopping from one place to another in a frenzy of seminars and competitions. I can pack in ten hours or ten minutes. Airports are a breeze for me, unknown streets are exciting challenges and the adrenaline rush is quite addicting.

Don't you miss your home and your family people ask me. I do but I have learned to deal with it. Home is not a place but the people and though it can never measure up, technology keeps them ever present in my life. Wherever I am, it's the daily text messages and emails that keeps the laughter and sometimes tears between us fresh. There's nothing like hugging Mom but for now her new fascination with Harry Potter is enough to warm me as I walk to work alone under a gray sky.

LSS

But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away

from You leaving me this way
Jesus can you show just how far

the east is from the west
Because I can't bear to see the man

I've been come rising in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
Coz You know just how far

the east is from the west
One scarred hand to the other

Chorus of East to West
By the Casting Crowns
From the forthcoming album The Altar and The Door

Anubeh

Our Managing Director called work off today due to floods.

So I finally get the NO WORK work day I have fantasized about for ages. But I have no idea what to do with it. So I'm still in the office.

What a sad life.

Still defiant, still for the Ped Xings!

Reading through the archives of Steve Levitt's and Stephen Dubner's blog Freakonomics, I came across this remark by Dubner on the city of Vancouver:

The biggest culture shock for me is that nobody here jaywalks. Coming from New York, I jaywalk at every opportunity. People look at me funny in Vancouver when I do this. Here, they wait patiently for the light to change, even if there are no cars. I asked several people why this was so. Some suggested that Canadians are simply obedient, whether by conditioning or temperament. Others said that jaywalking has been discouraged by the police, who sometimes ticket jaywalkers. One guy (who worked at Chapters) told me that nobody jaywalks because they are all stoned — apparently, a lot of marijuana is smoked here in Vancouver. Whatever the reason, Levitt should probably spend more time here since he hates it when people cut in line, like in Poland.

Am I stretching my naivete if I say that if it can be done in Vancouver, it can be done in Manila?

And if you haven't read Freakonomics, get/borrow a copy. It is one of the coolest books ever.

Too True

From Dr. Foreman on House MD, Season 3, Episode 13:

Those who are afraid of commitment are those who know how big it is.

Sniff

From Amanda, The Living Room:

Last night, trying to fall asleep, I was thinking about my kids, the ones that exist only in my imagination and some distant future; in my mind’s eye I had to look straight in the eyes of this little boy and tell him that yes, he’d done something wrong, but that didn’t mean I didn’t love him, in fact I loved him before he was even born, and I just started crying, because right then, for a brief moment I think I understood how God feels.

Divine Discontent?

I have nothing to complain about. Nothing substantial anyway. There has been nothing but blessings after blessing in my life. Even with the minor troubles and worries, I find myself unshaken and still standing on the Rock. And that is something I am extremely grateful for. God knows how shaky I can be in my walk with Him.

But there's this nagging dissatisfaction. More prayer perhaps? More reading of His Word? A commitment to serve in our church?

Everything is okay, some things are even excellent in my life. But there's got to be MORE to life than this. I don't like waking up mornings with the Teacher's words echoing through my mind, "Vanity, everything is vanity..."

I want to wake up, smile at the sun streaming through our bedroom blinds and praise God for another day.

Maybe it's a will thing.

Right.

Googled:

Krissy's life purpose

Among the results:

Radiant Singleness

That's divine intervention!

If a friend didn't unwittingly send this message to me this morning, I'd have missed out on God's awesome care for me and my concerns. What a shame! And how ashamed I am when I realize how my focus on work has crowded out my acknowledgement of God's gracious presence in my life! God, I ask for forgiveness.

This whole thing started on Friday. I was totally swamped with work and client emails/calls. I logged overtime hours on a Friday night but that wasn't enough. I was forced to take my work home. Saturday was a tiring day of packing and moving out from my Paranaque residence to my new place in Ortigas. Too tired from the packing then unpacking, I wasn't even able to finish half of my workload. After service yesterday, I got right back to working and finished the translation part of the code plan just before dinner. I resumed at 9pm after dinner and a short break.

By 10PM (with less than 25% of sheets organized into nets), I was feeling hopeless and telling friends that I needed divine intervention if I was to submit the translated and organized code plan before lunch today. At 11PM, I decided to give up. There was no way I'd finish my work before Monday lunch so I might as well get some much-needed rest. I crawled into bed and talked to God about all my worries, about how hopeless and joyless I was. I can't say I slept well because I had peace knowing that God would help. I slept with a fatalistic and resigned outlook to what what I perceived to be inescapable criticism from my boss and DP department.

I was on autopilot this morning, rushing through the morning routine while making mental post-its for all my work today in my consciousness. I got to the office, skipped my morning tea ritual, flipped my PC on and began organizing codes like my life depended on it. In a way, it did. 20 minutes of insanity, my boss called and told me to send it to him. I apologized and said I needed more time to organize the codes. And here's the divine intervention part: My boss said that organization into nets was no longer needed! How's that for God helping me out with work?

But I didn't even pause to really let that sink in. I breathed a single line of not-that-heartfelt thanks, told aforementioned friend and went right on with other pending tasks! My friend's reply was such a wake-up call for me. "That's divine intervention." Truly it was and how ungrateful I was for it. I spent a couple of minutes in our pantry talking to God about that.

But oh how gracious is my King! I go forth this week with a renewed sense of the God who is truly with me, who cares and who corrects. I pray my focus on work does not overwrite my praise and when it does, I pray for grace to see and turn back.

Post #300: Feeling Better

Thanks for everyone's prayers, text messages, comments and love. Fever hasn't been back since last night and my cough is more "productive" albeit giving me those irritating throat itches. Praise God for a yesterday's rest, meditation and laughter.

I'm back in the office (ready to pretend I'm very busy and important?). But the PC they brought in as a replacement for my former slow PC is making noises loud enough to disrupt the entire floor. So I'm crashing in someone else's cubicle and using her PC. Nyahahaha...

Malapit na akong maging Ortigas girl! I should probably start packing my stuff...

Sorry, no deep thoughts here. There's a typhoon. Take care everyone. Don't get sick. It's plain rotten to be sick.

The Sick Post

I am sick. Yet again.

I have a feeling my body is waging a war on me and it refuses to tell me why. I wasn’t this sickly before. I’d bounce back from a fever or cold in less than a week despite depriving it of much needed sleep. Water therapy, Tylenol and warm baths were all it took.

I was feeling better (I was, I was, I was!!!) last weekend. In fact I felt so good that I was able to go out with my friends and make wonderful memories, watch Transformers and survive the commute with smile.

But yesterday, my body went crazy. It started with a really bad headache on my way home. Then I started coughing again, the kind of coughs that make your chest hurt, so much noise and so little “output”. After dinner, I began to heat up. I think it was just a slight fever but my Tita wanted to bring me to the hospital because she said I had a high fever. I bet my next salary that if I weren’t 5’5” tall and she wasn’t 4’ tall, she’d have dragged me out of my bed and into an emergency room. (This after just telling a friend that gambling was bad!)

This is hard for me to say especially since I’ve been telling people this morning that I’m okay and that I can survive another day at the office. But this stubborn workaholic is coming out:

I want to go home.

Six Years Down the Road

As wide-eyed, idealistic freshmen, we met on the second floor of the Centerfold Wing of the Kalayaan Residence Hall. Six years later...






Left Bottom to Right Bottom:


Gilda: Graduated with a degree in Business Administration and Accountancy. Works for SGV. Studyng for the CIA (Cert. of Internal Auditor) exam.


Nina: Graduated with a degree in Communications Research. Works for TNS.


Alou: Graduated with a degree in Materials Engineering. Starts her PhD program at the University of Cinncinati this October.


Joy: Graduated with a degree in Communications Research. Former Synovate-er. Currently works for the Philippine Bible Society.


Yours truly: Graduated with a degree in Statistics. Works for PSRC-RI.


Tin: Graduated with a degree in Business Administration and Accountancy. Works for SGV. Studyng for the CIA (Cert. of Internal Auditor) exam.


All of us not so idealistic anymore but cautiously optimistic, still in pursuit of our dreams or what's left of them. Haha...

10 Favorite Sensory Experiences

1. Hugs
2. Having my hair brushed or stroked. But it'll feel good with certain people only. I react negatively to others.
3. Back massages done by at Ate Nitz, field interviewer extraordinaire who never fails to make me laugh.
4. The feel of a teaspoon of honey in my mouth.
5. The soothing sight of waves as they come in and out (recede?) and the sounds of the shore: the waves, the gulls, the people around.
6. The sound of Apple and Yam laughing.
7. The whole experience of singing the benediction every Sunday with the entire DCBC family.
8. Joy and her southern belle accent... Or is that soul sistah accent???
9. The smell of freshly baked bread, strawberry wine and babies after their bath.
10. Dancing ballet... Feeling the floor when I'm on pointe... Being attuned to my body... Listening to the music... Feeling the sweat trickle down my back... And the sound of my teacher's voice reciting the steps.

What's This Tag Thing?

Janna tagged me and from what I gather I'm supposed to list 10 weird things about me. Janna, quits na tayo ah? Hehe...


1. I'm a people pleaser and an insensitive person. At the same time.

2. I like treating other people when I'm feeling down because seeing them happy makes me happy too.

3. I want and don't want to immigrate.

4. I danced ballet thinking that I'd injure myself with my foolishness in pointe shoes. But I ended up getting injured while ice skating.

5. I like my ice cream with salt.

6. I wash my hands before and after using the bathroom.

7. Kinikilig ako over the most mundane things.

8. I love watching surgeries but not bloody action scenes.

9. I can't live without white ballet flats in my collection of shoes.

10. I can't for the life of me hold on to a grudge. Even if it means being an embarrassment to womenkind and the rule that we should give the guys a hard time.

I tag Nellie, Joy C., Manders, Mun Onn, Butch, Jojee, Ida, Rina, Omar and LG.

And the ball starts rolling

Thoughts over the weekend:

- I want to move. I need to move. Move na ako! I'm not cut out to be a Southern (Mega-manila) belle.

- I'm using way too much water. Must. Conserve. Water.

- Some guys just don't get it. Agh!

- Purple nail polish makes me happy. But it does not suit me.

- Should have never worn stilettos to the mall.

- This whole "Give the guys a chance to lead" thing is NOT working out.

- I need to get away from... Flee in the other direction is more like it.

- We are all each others keeper. One person can't do it alone.

- Apple was right. When you're sad, it is actually possible to feel such intense pain in your chest that you can't breathe. And in my case, eat.

- Human hearts are weird and extremely fragile things. Handle with care.

Thoughts that came up just now:

- Janna, I still owe you that tag post. Sorry. Am having some difficulty thinking about what's weird about me. =)

- Nellie, where are you? Looking forward to lunch.

- Must. Not. Let. It. Get. To. Me.

Bless Me with More Foolishness

I have a thing for pedestrian lanes. I can be wearing expensive shoes or 3inches+ stilettos but I will kill my feet (and my friends' feet) walking on until I find a pedestrian crossing. Only then will I allow myself to cross the street.

Nothing special, you say.

Wrong. It is. For here in the Philippines, being a stickler for pedestrian crossing, buckling your seatbelt, holding doors open for strangers and standing in line for public transport makes you stand out---often not in a good way.

If you're lucky enough to find a decently painted pedestrian lane, you can still die assuming our drivers know that they're supposed to slow down when they see the sign for Ped Xing. But drivers are just one half of the story. Most people don't even bother using the pedestrian crossing. Jaywalking is the norm here. Don't be surprised if you see someone darting across a major highway in what is tantamount to police chase scenes in Hollywood movies. Or if the do use the pedestrian crossing, they pay no heed to the walk/don't walk signals. They will creep over the crossing, one lane at a time effectively bringing lane by lane of vehicles to a halt even when the traffic light is green.

Try buckling your seatbelt (if there is even one) on a taxi and you'll get one of three things: 1) The driver looks at you, realizes he should be doing the same and proceeds to follow the law. 2) The driver chooses to ignore your subtle hint and drives you to your destination with out using his seatbelt and 3) your friends in the backseat laugh at you for bothering.

Another norm: Doors slamming in your face. Or elevators door closing in on you because no one pressed the hold button and people didn't let you pass. Apparently, one of the reasons we didn't make it to the RD list of most courteous/polite people in the world was because holding doors/elevators open wasn't part of our practices.

As for getting a ride on the bus or jeep in orderly fashion, that exists only in select spots of the metropolis. Most of the time, commuters are assured of the same kind of action only WWF wrestling should offer. I have to stand aside and look on in amazement at a bunch of people turned crabs with all the shoving and trampling going on.

But day in and day out, I grit my teeth and choose to do what's counter-norm. I cross only at designated places, I buckle up, I hold the door and I try to be courteous to other commuters. I make friends suffer doing the same when they're with me. The pedestrian lane thing does not exactly make them burst out in joyful praise.

Why?

Because I stubbornly and maybe foolishly believe that if I want my nation to be a better one it starts with me. It starts with me trying to model what I believe the Filipina will become in a few years. If I dream of a nation that is known for its good goverment and great people, then I have to pray to God for mercy and for grace then go out and practice the vision I have for this country.

For I hope that when my own kids have to catch a bus, they will not be trampled upon. They will not be foolish for buckling up, holding doors open or using a pedestrian lane because by then a new and better norm will prevail.

Who knows? We may top that RD list of most polite people.

Heads Up People!

1. For those of you who've enjoyed Yahoo! Photos Services, go to your account now and tranfer/download your uploaded pictures because they're shutting down the service. I had to transfer all 67 albums in my two accounts to Shutterfly. I have CD copies and all the pictures are still on my laptop bur I'm such a stickler for back-up copies. OC me. Hahaha...
2. Angel beats Tiger! My Dad played golf before but I was never that interested in it. But this news story made me go "Whoa!"
3. I'm moving to Ortigas next month! Now that I'm working OT hours, I feel the pain of the gruelling Paranaque-Ortigas commute. I know a friend who's been waiting for me to give up and, hey, I finally have. Good thing we didn't bet. Nellie, we're roommates again! Will roommates the second time around be sweeter? Hahaha...Corny.
4. Yeah, I'm not doing anything here in the office right now. I go in before 8 (official office hours are 8:30-5:30) and got a chance to have some quiet time since people didn't come in until 9-ish. What a wonderful way o start the week. Now, if my boss would just come in... I can't pretend to be busy forever. Worker lurker mode does not help with the sanity retention.
5. I hear Ballet Manila is performing Carmen sometime this month. Liza Macuja will be dancing. I'll get back to you guys with details. Wish they would do Don Quixote.
6. I am loving the Knorr Porck Cubes commercial! "Makulay ang buhay / makulay ang buhay / Sa sinabawang gulay!" The dance isn't so bad. Great for morning warm-up while waiting for the kettle to warm up the water for coffee.
7. Hate haTE HATE the Pond's commercial. The one with the wife getting out of the car and her husband's thoughtlessness. Ugh!
8. Watching commercials has become part of a day's work for me. I get home around 8, eat dinner then watch TV until 10-10:30. My job requires me to be on top of all these ads and I have yet to get a hang of things. All I really remember are the Knorr and Pond's commercials.

Run Through...

...the woods, plop down on a plush carpet of grass and watch the sun rise or set. Ah, that would just be a perfect thing to do right now instead of sitting in an office pretending to deserve my salary for today. If I'm going to be paid, I'd rather I actually accomplish something, anything that actually helps this company or our clients. Better days (read: Stressful days of endless projects and unending consciousness) are coming and my workaholic soul looks forward to it.

---

My brother Omar has been in and out of clinics and hospitals. He has calcium oxalate crystals in his kidneys and that's causing considerable discomfort to him. There are more tests to be done while the doctors are trying to deal with the situation with medications. Hopefully, the crystals will cooperate with the meds and pass through or else surgical intervention will be needed. My brother has had a tough time lately and it's sad that he has to feel bad physically too. So if you could pray for him, I'd really appreciate it.

---

QTs really need to stand for Quality Times for me. I feel like I hit God then run. Like I was telling a friend last night, I really shouldn't be surprised if it's tougher to keep company with God, be still and know Him right now than when I was on campus with a million reminders of Him all around. I just need to see God in my new environment. I bet there are a million things that speak of His goodness and graciousness, His power and majesty here in my new world. I simply need to open my eyes and find them. And put a little more backbone into setting time to tune myself to Him.

---

YM Moment

Nellie: so after badminton ng monday am, uwi ka na?
Krissy: yeah...why did you wanna do something else?
Nellie: wala naman, just thinking what I'll be doing
Nellie: =)
Krissy: ah ok...cleaning after the mess i leave?
Nellie: you and mess don't belong in a sentece except if it goes like you clean mess
Nellie: =))

A Few Things I love About Pinoys/Being Pinay

1. In the face of seemingly insurmountable trials and difficult circumstances, our sense of humor and love of laughter don't diminish. Together, they are the shadow of the Filipino. Go to the airport and see how Pinoys handle the security measures --- with a lot of chuckles and corny jokes.

2. "Kain po tayo" Translate this into English and you lose all the warmth, love and care that's packed into those three words. And if you're not familiar with Filipino nuances, you might take the invitation seriously when you're not supposed to and some poor Pinoy goes a little hungrier.

3. We know how to have fun! That's not just me talking, that's my American friends too. Just look at the plethora of colorful fiestas and celebrations around our archipelego. There is always a party somewhere and it's seldom quiet and you'll be hard-pressed to stick to your diet. Last year, our Filipino-packed house in Miami was the only one in the entire block making noise on New Year's Eve.

4. If you have Pinoys waiting in line for more than fifteen minutes or stuck together in a jeep in our infamous rush-hour traffic, you will find them chatting with each other. On the shuttle ride I take everyday to and from work, I have gotten to know people well enough during traffic to ask about their kids/spouse/work the next day we see each other.

5. When we meet another Pinoy/Pinay abroad, we go a little crazy! We're just so happy to meet a kababayan that we hug, we eat lunch together, and we talk and talk and talk --- even if we were total strangers to begin with. Plus, you don;t have to worry you'll miss out on this experience because wherever you go in the world, there's a Pinoy there for sure. If we weren't such nice people, we could have implemented a world domination scheme by now. Nyahahaha!

6. We're big on family. We have big families. Family for us consists not just our immediate family but grandparents (and not just your parents' parents), aunts (and their husbands and their husbands' siblings and...), uncles (and their wives and their wives' siblings and...), cousins (first, second, sometimes even third), nieces, nephews, inaanaks... You get the idea. Plan a small, intimate wedding where only family and friends will attend and you'll still have a big wedding in reality because just one family means at least 50 guests already! If two Pinoys get married, it an even longer guest list without even counting close friends.

7. I love how we use unlimited text messaging to greet everyone in our phonebook "Gandang umaga po!". Haha...

Gandang gabi po!

Yey! A Post! (Also read: Pathetic Attempt to Update Blog)

Getting your first paycheck is quite the rollercoaster of emotions. Or is it just me and my warehouse stocked with emotions? Okay, getting MY first REAL paycheck had all the ups and downs and all arounds of a theme park ride.

First, there was the understated text message from a fellow trainee. "Chek ATM. Erly sweldo ntin." I read the text message, looked at my cousin over an emty plate of cake crumbs and scream: "I have money to buy more cake!!! Or coffee. For that matter anything we wanna eat today!!!"

Then there was the mad rush to find a BPI ATM. They are like kabute most of the time but never seem to be grow near you when you actually need to have cash sprigatti. We walk in the crazy heat and by the time we spot one, we could have hurled ourselves against the wall and we would have stuck.

But I forgot my amoy-pawis parfum the moment the machine spit out a receipt. I had cash! Cash I earned! First ever salary! Hah! There was some dancing involved. All the movement probably precipitated thoughts in my brain. I stare at the little slip of paper I was dancing about. What?! Laki naman ng tax/SSS/Philhealth ko!!! Wah! I stopped dancing.

Brains whirled with quick calculations for budget. Momentary joy when I realized I can live comfortably and have a some left for savings. Plunged into panic when I remember that this is God's salary more than it is mine. Tithes!!! Oh my... Okay. Redid calculations. At the end of it all, I'm so grateful Mom is still giving me money for rent. I reminded and still remind myself not to panic too much about how I'll survive five months from now when Mom cuts the rent support. Just save like crazy and curb the comforts (read: comfort food and comfort shoe shopping).

Okay. I can do this. I can. I will survive until the next payday. Hopefully, it'll be early again. Hehe.

Which way? Sit? Okay, I'll sit and be still.

It's not so bad after all. Worries just got the better of me. It's still frustrating and very tiring that I don't have a definite routine yet. But life has been quite an adventure lately and I may be losing pounds living it. Hehe.

I've had lots of promising first and second interviews with very good companies. I'm sorely tempted to insist on my choice of work, but God has been enabling me to pray for His best instead of what I think is best. "I establish your steps", He tells me and then proceeds to give me grace to trust and surrender.

Living on campus and having the luck to reside in a dorm that's just a stroll away from my college building has definitely not prepared me for long commutes. For those who don't know, I live with my Tita in Paranaque right now. To get to UP, I have to take four rides and the average time I spend travelling is 1.5 hours. Being a night owl certainly does not help with waking up early. But, with a lot of help from my Tita and 7 year old niece, I haven't missed or been late for an appointment. I've discovered the joys of commuting. What joys you ask. Well, you get to plan the day ahead or examine the day that was. You get to spend time thinking, reflecting, or praying. And you can lose weight. Public transporation in the Philippines is a entire workout: climbing stairs, running after buses, strenghthening your core by trying to maintain an upright position while standing... And if you happen to be wearing a suit, the summer weather will give you a sauna treatment.

Speaking of my niece (some sentences earlier), being around her has made me realize I don't have a lot of a disciplinarian energy in me. One smile and my irritation is gone. Not in the mood to bathe? Fine, I'll give her fifteen minutes to get one and then I'll give her another fifteen minutes. I can't even muster enough to intimidate her into listening to me. I am bound to spoil my kids. *Grimaces*

Anyway, I have a room all to myself and that's something I've always dreamed of. I wasn't wrong about all the perks it has. I have a lot of privacy which means I don't have to feel conscious while praying (I tend to pray out loud). It's good for my GRE review too. Somehow, I have managed to stay away from the television with all it's channels, Gray's Anatomy and House. I am tempted to use the phone a lot but since I don't have anyone to call locally its escaped an unpleasant fate. There's a community pool that I enjoy almost every night. I wasn't very close to my Tita and cousins before but they are such a riot that it's hard to be lonely during the day. God is good. Really.

Graduation is this Thursday and I don't even have a dress or shoes. I'm STILL not feeling it. Haha... This is unusual behavior for a Mel-Phleg like me.

Okay, this post clearly has no theme. Sorry.

I want to stay, I want to go

This is no longer home for me. The packing has kept me preoccupied so the misery hasn't set in until now. I'm done packing almost six years worth of UP life. Tomorrow, I'll be home for the first time in five months. Tonight, I am besieged with worries.

Four hours from now I'll move to my Tita Perla's place in Paranaque. Four days from now I'll start working at NIH. I feel like I've been stripped of all my comforts - friends, familiar places and the comfortable routine of student life. It's depressing but I must move along. The light for my path these days is the knowledge that Jesus is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. The life I lead may change drastically but the One who leads me changes not. With that I can close my eyes and sleep in His embrace of love that casts out all my fears.

Come on inspiration!

Posting used to be so easy for me. There were once days I'd publish three posts. Nowadays, I actually struggle. Sitting at a table, fingers poised above the keyboard, and eyes searching the ceiling for some hint of inspiration is no way to live. Thank God my mother discouraged me from a career in journalism... I think. No insult meant to those who are in that field. You guys are gifted beings.

I'd rather be presented with a normal probability plot and I'll regurgitate an entire bunch of words in milliseconds. Toxic is the word for me. I love my major and all, but too much of a good thing is bad. Throw in weeks of sleeplessness, anxiety, a lot of green tea and siomai. Perfect mix for writer's block.

-----

Big load off has been taken off my chest so at least the whole breathing thing is easier. =P Last Saturday's thesis defense was my most successful one ever. My professor was impressed and had no questions about our paper whatsoever. To think that we had just two days to write that up and analyze the data. That is what I call divine intervention. I praise God for the results. I did some David dancing (didn't get anywhere near naked though!) in front of my professor in stilettos out of the sheer joy and amazement at my Lord. I scored wounds on my feet that day but who cares? Ballet prepared me well. *Winks*

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There are major decisions I have to make. Do I start working full time? Or do I concentrate on reviewing for the GRE? Do I really want to work for this particular company? Where am I going to live? Where am I going to get my finances? How can I arrange things so that I can still be around friends and still attend church? The answers don't come easy especially when it's not just my life that's going to be affected. It's rather terrifying so I'm glad of the constant assurance of God's leading and wisdom. He has led me through shadow and valley with unfailing mercy. Surely He will lead me with the same gentle firmness and love through the coming months.

Then there are the minor, everyday or hourly decisions I face. Some days ago, I flopped down on my bed and said " God, ten thousand angels around my heart right now wouldn't be such a bad idea. Can You do that for me please? You know how weak I am in handling this kind of relationship." God has been doing more than that. In every challenge, His grace abounds then abounds even more come the next one.

To all who look to God in tha face of the impossible, we shall never be abandoned.

-----

It's getting late. I have to start working on my final paper for the semester and hopefully my last requirement as an undergrad student.

"We would give her more consideration, when we judge a woman, if we knew how difficult it is to be a woman." - Geraldy

Most of the time, I lead a rather boring existence. But lately, I've had some rather interesting experiences...

1. Sleeping on the floor sans mattress/banig/blanket
2. Eating PhP2.50/pc siomai for dinner and breakfast
3. Not living, sleeping, studying, or eating in my dorm.
4. Enjoying several bike rides in Krus na Ligas
5. Not being able to shower at night
6. Bonding with thesis groupmates
7. Wanting to hit thesis groupmate with my defective mouse
8. Getting bad exam results from the ones I expected would go well and getting good (really good!) exam results on ones I expected to fail
9. Praying for people when I can't fall asleep. I hate that it's my sleeping pill lately but what's more unfortunate is that it actually works
10. Finding God in unexpected places

Two more papers and I'm done. I hope. =P

Thank you to all who love me in their prayers.

Better posts coming up.

Oh yeah, my blog. Teehee

1. Updates. I need a lot of those these days when thesis papers are all we practically eat, drink and breathe. My laptop is crawling with viruses as the result of all the file sharing with groupmates. Unfortunately, you can't be OC with your laptop when you're pressed with time and no one's head is cool.

2. My roommates and I found a lovely, newly-renovated house in Krus na Ligas. For a two-storey, fully furnished, chandelier-lit, spacious and clean place, it's incredibly cheap at only four thousand a month (water and electricity included). Unbelievable? My mother certainly doubts the offer. But I've checked and rechecked with the owner and it's true. It's a huge blessing for the four of us. My mom is acting a bit anxious over the whole thing. She wants to go shopping for pots, pans and appliances. She even offered to buy me a TV! I quickly refused that offer. I've lived for six years without a TV and a couple more years (or months?) won't make much of a difference. Mom has also set up cooking classes for when I am home for the Holy Week. Looks like my Lenten reflections will be done whilst cooking (read as burning or spoiling) food. Hehe... Mahal talaga ako ni Mama.

3. We just finished our 143 analysis this evening and it's a big load off our chests. Praise God for the sanity and grace. Just a few more finishing touches to our 191 paper and we're done with that too. It's both a relief and a problem. Part the requirement is a peer evaluation to be submitted by each member of the group. There are five of us in the group but only four of us have been really engaged in completing the paper and defending it. There's a part of me that hesitates to give one of my groupmates a failing grade in the peer evaluation for this paper. It doesn't seem like the kind thing to do or, dare I say, the Christian thing to do. I struggled with this last night before God and I still do not have an answer. Am I not commanded to forgive, have mercy and be gracious for I have received all those things in Christ? At the same time, it does not seem right to bestow a grade not earned. It's so easy to count how much I have done and sacrificed in the process of writing that paper and be angry at my groupmate. The deadline for peer evaluation is on Thursday. I guess I will chew on it some more. Thoughts on the matter anyone?

4. Sometimes understanding both sides of an issue is what makes life difficult. You aren't allowed the luxury of being selfish and close-minded. You cannot indulge in emotions of anger, smugness or annoyance. Instead, you struggle as your heart and mind try to find a middle ground to rest safely on. And this struggle takes quite some time. I'm in for the long haul. Sigh.

5. I'm supposed to be writing about the formal dinner last Friday. But I can't think of anything to say... We've been gabbing about it for the past three days here in the room and I'm out of words. We've analyzed and overanalyzed, cropped and retouched pictures, collected bets we've won and paid bets we lost... There is nothing new to say. The pictures will have to suffice. Click here for full album.

6. It weird to know that my mom might read this... Miss ko na kayo. =)

7. Hirit ni Pastor Bel in his sermon last Sunday:

When a diplomat says "Yes", he means "Maybe..."
When a diplomat says "Maybe...", he means "No."
When a diplomat says "No", he is not a diplomat.

When a guy asks a lady is he can hold her hand and she says
"No", she means "Maybe..."
If she says "Maybe...", she means "Yes."
If she says "Yes", then she is no lady.

The Monster Emerges Again

Me: “We’ll start on our 191 paper this afternoon. 1:30 at Ilang. Please review our lessons so that everything will go smoothly and we’re not stumped on how to make sense out of our analysis. Okay everyone?”

Groupmate 1: “I don’t understand anything from Cox regression onwards.”

Me: “That’s why I suggested a review. There’s no way this paper will get done if we don’t understand anything.”

Groupmate 2: “But it’s just a waste of time for us to review. You’re good at this. You understand the subject because you love it. Kaw na gumawa lahat!” *Giggles*

Me: Riggghhht. *Emits Glacial Stare*

I think I’m moving from melancholic-phlegmatic to melancholic-choleric, at least in my academics. I think it’s the worst possible version of me. I get cranky when you appear for meetings just ten minutes late, I’ll hit you with glacial stares if you fail to remember that the deadline for your assigned task was today, and at the height of my irritation, I can even march to our professor and tell him you contributed nothing to the thesis and you know that’s a story that can never end well. Take my word for it. I’ve done that last thing already. If there is any ounce of compassion in me it will disappear in an uncooperative group.

I already hold a reputation in the batch for being OC and “excellence-oriented” which aren’t bad things really. But when the people around you are satisfied with mediocre results and they hate you when you start picking apart every stage in the analysis to improve it, life can be less miserable.

_____________________________________

I really need to rein in some of my thoughts. I tend to open up my blogger account and write without a thought to censoring my words. I gave Mom the link to my blog two days ago and the gravity of that action hit me only last night. If she to go through my archives... Oh my. My mom and I are pretty close but not THAT close. Other than my Mom, I know my cousins are reading this and I haven't really been thinking about that either. Gee Kristina, have a little wisdom. *Wry laughter* Don't even get me started thinking about my brothers and sisters in Christ.

_____________________________________

I need a house/apartment. If anyone knows a place, please do tell me about it. If anyone else needs a place to stay and wants a roommate, I'm here hoping for one too. Warning: I'm a little bit on the freaky side of neatness.

_____________________________________

Formal dinner coming up in a week. Anyone wanna be my escort? Haha...

One Last Chance

Graduation is a just about a month away. Papers are due, exams are filling up our days. Our batch has yet to decide on our theme, order our precious sablays and pay the grad fee. I feel the pressure to make the most of my days as a senior knowing that they are numbered.

There's these three things I dream of doing. I literally dream of them. A lot of risk is involved however and that's why they've remained dreams for the good part of the school year. The semester is about to end and I face the question of whether or not the risks are worth it. Just because this is my last chance, am I allowed to be reckless?

I don't know about you but it's kinda pretty.

They looked like an art project on my skin. Bright splotches of red on a white canvas. Okay, almost white canvas. Of course, I can only say this of my skin rashes/allergy now that I'm all clear and itch-free. My eternal gratitude goes to antihistamines and steroids and to God giving whoever invented the stuff the wisdom to do so. Thank you to all who kept me in their prayers.

God, I miss chocolates. And chicken. And eggs.

Post #279

This is me, desperate for an outlet that won't break my heart in a month or so. Hehe. Ang babaw na talaga ng blog na ito.

I Need Love - Sixpence None the Richer

i left my conscience like a crying child
locked the door behind me put the pain on file
broken like a window i see my blindness now

i need love
not some sentimental prison
i need god
not the political church
i need fire
to melt this frozen sea inside me
i need love

driving into town tired and depressed
like a flare the streetlight bursts an s.o.s.
peace comes to my rescue and i don't know what it means
i need love

---------------------------------------------

I like this place where I am just me before a God who has pursued me until I finally turned around. I must admit that the turning around was no pretty scene. If anything, it was a scene emotionally charged with much anger, disappointment and frustration instead of a humble heart. But maybe that is a healthy interaction with God as well. Maybe it is better that I try to read the Bible and end up throwing it halfway across the room than stowing it in one of the boxes below my bed, out of sight and out of mind.

I count it a daily miracle that I am walking with God even at such a painfully slow pace. The time I spent in the darkness was not wasted time. It helped me to appreciate His grace and His presence. There is nothing more terrifying than getting a close look at the little monster you are and not having someone there to love you.

Bored and somewhat lovesick

Because of certain recent events, I have been called upon to give advice to male friends about initiating relationships. I have no idea why I find myself in this place as I would prefer that my male friends ask other males regarding matters like this. I would just like to observe the hesitancy, nay fear, of stepping out that I consistently encounter in these conversations. I am no expert in love and claim no wisdom on the matter but I do believe that men were made to initiate and made to risk rejection from my kind.

I was reading through some articles on Boundless and would like to share something that made me shout with agreement. Addressed to Christian men who have someone in mind, someone they’ve been praying for and someone they would like to pursue, I hope you don’t mind my posting this excerpt from Croft’s article “Biblical Dating: Are you ready to date?”

In his Boundless article, "Real Men Risk Rejection," Michael Lawrence eloquently summarizes both the objections some men might raise to this idea, and, in my view, the ideal response:

"'Wait a minute. Are you saying that all the risk is mine?' Yes I am. 'Doesn't that mean that she can just tell me no and leave me twisting in the wind?' Yes is does. Welcome to leadership. Welcome to trusting God. Welcome to being a man. Your cards belong on the table. Your intentions and your feelings, to the extent that you can discern them and it is appropriate for
you to share them, should be clear. Part of your role even at this early stage is to protect the woman of your interest from unnecessary risk and vulnerability by providing a safe context in which she can respond."

Full article here: http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001443.cfm

La lang ata ako mapost kaya eto na ginagawa ko…hehehe… violent reactions are most welcome. Dear friend, fidgit not, I understand and sympathize. God give you the grace to walk in joy in this time of your life.

Remembrance

The dirth lasted no longer than two days. Alas, many questions go unanswered still and assumptions threaten the sunny skies and the sanity of my mind. This is such pleasant torture. Blame the GRE for my bloated vocabulary.

Whew!

You know you've had one too many visits to your university health service when

...you have three whole conversations with the nice nurses there about their kids
...you've actually met the son of one of the nurses
...the rest of the nurses nod at you and you smile at them
...you know not to mess around with the mean nurses
...you've forgiven the mean nurses. they were tired.
...the triage nurse is actually nice to you
...your medical records don't fit into the yellow folder so there are a lot of papers attached by a staple
...you know where the bathrooms are (there's a labyrinth inside that normal looking building)
...you know how to give your extensive medical history without having to pause to think
...you begin to understand the doctor's handwriting
...you allot at least two hours of your day for a visit there
...you know that bringing something to study is a good call because of that

Thanks to all who prayed for me. It was just an allergy. I look really horrible but at least I don't miss any classes. Praise God!

Now to find something I can eat that won't make me look horrible. Hehe. I can't eat chicken, eggs, cheese, crustaceans, citrus fruits, mangoes, tomatoes, instant food like noodles, CHOCOLATE (!), nuts, carbonated beverages and any dish with patis or bagoong. This makes for an awesome diet. Haha.

Play "Heart of Life" by John Mayer

"I hate to see you cry
Lying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears
And listen"

I've been sad for days. So on Saturday I allowed myself a good 3-minute cry (tears do not come easily when I need them the most). And while I was curled up there, I remembered...

"Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good"

...that I finally found a job that fits into my career path as a clinical/medical statistician. It's part-time until I graduate. By April, if nothing new comes up, I'll work full time. I never thought an opportunity like this would come up but it did. God is not against me.

"You know, it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
But, then your circle of friends
Will defend the silver lining"

...all the people that cared for me and prayed for me while I was sick in the hospital. Getting sick and dying alone is among my greatest fears. I haven't exactly been a really great person so I thought no one would care. But when I was sick and I felt like I was dying, it was such an incredible blessing to have people turn up and prove me wrong.

"Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good"

...all the people who turned up last Saturday for Openhouse. I'm a terrible hostess and they had to bear with me. I enjoyed the time we spent together and was greatly encouraged by them.

"Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good
I know it's good"

...that God is still patiently waiting for me. He should be pretty annoyed --- downright "wrathy" is more like it --- at me by now. But he's not. It's stupid and I know it. I do something for you, you do something for me. I know that my relationship with him does not work that way, that he owes me nothing, and that I should be repenting of this. But my knees are too proud and God knows my heart. And so it is annoying that I ache for His presence. Annoying but oddly comforting. My heart has yet to be fully stone. I am loved still. I am not that alone. And God is still God.

We don't do this a lot.

And I don't mean us dressing up in smart casual. I mean OPENHOUSE. In fact, it's a once a year thing for us like birthdays or Christmas. So come on and hang out at our place for once. We'll find ways to chill in the heat. The door will be unlocked from 10AM-6PM. Remember the room number: 122. See you!

A moment of pleasure, four days of hell.

C'est La Vie

Valentines still sucks but this year I like to think that the universe conspired to be somewhat kinder. Four women got what they wanted for V-day. They didn't get exactly what they wanted but getting something was pleasant enough.

Ann did not wish for anything being who she was and having who she had on her desk 24/7. Nonetheless she got flowers and a stuffed toy from her mother.

Apple wished for rose-shaped chocolates and a "hotdog" pillow. Her mom sent her both although the stuffed toy can only be remotely called a "cocktail hotdog" pillow.

Gee went out on a date. She did not wish for one but she did wish to go to the movies. The date involved a movie so she enjoyed that.

I wished for a conversation over coffee with someone who did not have the monthlies. I did get one although there was no coffee involved only a rather large investment in cellphone credit. And it was platonic. He was pleasant company for the day and the jokes kept me off John Mayer's "Love Song for No One". That's something.

In behalf of room 122, I thank you Universe.

PS Don't forget the 24th.

Fab Weather!

That said...

A month ago I was content to make it out of UP with a diploma, some statistical skill and a bunch of twisted knots in my tummy. But a lot of things happened. Information was dug up, calculated and presented before my unbelieving eyes. More became a possibility.

I conveniently (or inconveniently) happen to want that More.

So if I don’t return your emails, make dates with you, don’t post, say bye after just an hour of talk, I apologize. Thank you for bearing with me so far. I love you guys.

Life will resume April. Or so I hope.

---

Five Things I Recommend You Check Out

Awake - Josh Groban: The new album is out and it’s fabulous. Gotta love the song “So She Dances”…

Sweet Spy: A Korean series that’s like Alias and Bond themes combined. Gotta love the incredibly cute Dennis Joseph O’Neil…

Double Trouble: My favourite Bread Talk product.

Maybelline’s XXL Lashes Mascara: For “lashless” kikay girls like me, you can trust its claims of longer and fuller lashes. It’s the best I’ve ever had. If you have the moolah, get the new Intense version.

Ilang Open House: February 24. =) Teeheehee

Currently

1. Thinking about that job interview that turned into a resume submission (I applied for a research assistant position at the National Institutes of Health this afternoon). I'm a bit annoyed at how my possible future employer is handling the recruitment process but getting the job is going to be great experience for me and my aspirations to become a biostatistician so I'm gritting my teeth and bearing with the lack of professionalism.
2. Reading my class notes. Can you believe it? I don't get any leisure reading in anymore. The moment I hit the bed, I'm asleep which is highly aberrant behavior given my intimate relationship with Insomnia. Perhaps we broke up and I just didn't realize it. Whatever. Good riddance.
3. Listening to Jojo (High Road) and Clay Aiken (Measure of A Man). Can anyone say pop music? Jojo's "How to Touch a Girl" is stuck in my head. I know, I know... It doesn't sound right but trust me, the touching is not what you think it is. I love her voice.
4. Wishing there were more than 24 hours in a day.
5. Craving fresh garden salad. It has simply been too long.
6. Broke. It's a bit embarrassing that I'm borrowing money to get around but I think the GRE reviewer and black slacks are worth the...um...humiliation.
7. Loving my 3-inch stilettos from Auntie Remy. They are just gorgeous.
8. Very motivated. I'm doing everything without having to go through the entire phase of getting enough inspiration or momentum. I hope the fuel doesn't run out soon.

In the background: Genius - Duncan Sheik

1. First post of the year! Haha!
2. Apparently, December 16 was the last time I had time and brain power to post something. I'm low on both right now. It's CAP-Stat week starting tomorrow, something I never thought I'd see given all the work that I feel I've been doing and not seeing that much progress. Teamwork sucks when only a thrid of the team shows up for meetings and helps out with labor. Practice for the real world, I tell myself.
3. I miss the family. Big families equal big fun but when you're suddenly separated from them it's big depression too. Solitary walks currently rank low on my list of fun things to do. The sadness is only starting to mellow now.
4. I took the GRE diagnostic test last night. Results confirm that I need serious review. It was a bit depressing at first but now I'm just motivated.
5. I wish I could skip this period of my life, maybe fast forward through the next two years. I want to be where I dream of being already. California come on.

Pictures!

Here's the link to my Yahoo! photos album of the pictures of our departure from NAIA to our arrival in Pleasanton, California. You'll get to see (and meet) the my travelling companions and the cute chinese kid I spent most of my Tokyo-San Francisco flight playing with.

Click here.

or here.

What a Journey It Has Been....

4:00AM (Philippine Time) - We arrive at NAIA and discover a mile long line for baggage check-in. Good thing we're travelling with Inang who recieves special assistance. We get pulled to the front of the line and in less than thirty minutes, we're done with check-in, immigration and boarding security measure. We settle in the boarding area for the long wait. When the sun peeked over the horizon, me and Mikhael competed for the best dawn photo. I won. As of this time, none of us except Inang has had any sleep in 24 hours.


8:00AM (Philippine Time) - Northwest Airlines Flight No. 20 takes off for Tokyo-Narita International Airport. We're served breakfast onboard. I'm eat trade my beef for my brothers' scrambled eggs because they're allergic to the stuff. For the most part, airplane egg concoction isn't something that excites me but the NWA scrambled eggs were actually delicious. After breakfast we all succumbed to sleep.


1:30PM (Tokyo Time) - Arrival at Tokyo-Narita International Airport. We get off the plane and I get to be astounded by the incredible warmth and hospitality of the Japanese (or at least the Japanese airport personnel). Talo pa nila ang Thais, who have dominated the ranks of most warm and hospitable people in my opinion. It's another 2.5 hours wait for our connecting flight. I convinced my Mom to give me the US$100 so I can buy postcards and this japanese fan. For some weird reason, she didn't want to use it at first because she didn't want smaller bills. I won her over by telling her she'd spend sooner or later and smaller bills were a certainty in our future.


4:00PM (Tokyo Time) - Northwest Airlines Flight No. 28 departs for San Francisco. Mom, Inang, Mik and Omar and seated close to each other but I'm separated from the pack for some weird reason. A ticketing problem says my Mom. I got a little bummed by the fact that I didn't get a window or aisle seat but this soon became a non-issue when my seatmate turned out to be the cute Chinese guy I was eyeing in the baording area. We connected despite the fact that I spoke no Mandarin (I assume it was Mandarin hehe) and he spoke no English. By the end of an hour, he was kissing me. The "guy" was around two feet tall and communication with him consisted mostly of baby talk and hand signals. Picture below. When the little tyke had to go to sleep, I turned to my personal entertainment center. I'll say this of Northwest: way more leg room, a personal entertainment center, at least twenty movies you can choose from, great service and way cheaper ticket rates - all these puts NW ahead of PAL on my preferred carriers. Sorry, it's not a nationalism issue. It's a service issue.


7:05AM (San Francisco Time) - Arrival at the San Francisco International Airport. Slight hitch at immigration but we got over it. Mom was too stunned to speak when the immigration officer asked us about the issue so I'm glad thank you God for the presence of mind to answer in her place. Thank you din Lord for smoothing out that particular wrinkle, for keeping us safe, for early arrival times, for no lost baggage, no food spoilage and for keeping us all sane and able to bear with each other during the journey. It got tough at times and there were raw nerves but thanks for helping us put that aside to work as a team and enjoy the journey. Since I'm the official photographer, I'm not included in the picture of the family upon arrival in Gravina Place, Pleasanton.



Right now - We're just a couple of 2 cousins short of a full house of the 2nd generation but we're having fun already. Tomorrow we're off to San Francisco and I'm guessing I need to wear at least three shirts under the jacket. My goodness, it is freezing here: 7 degrees Celsius! My brothers are hardier than me. They're used to Baguio climate so that ups their cold tolerance a bit. Sunday, we "kids" are going unsupervised by any parent to Los Angeles. Haha, can anyone say uninhibited?



Okay time to hit the sheets.


More pictures to follow. I tried to get them on now but there seems to be a problem with the system.

Let It Snow, Let It Snow...

Nice things have been happening these past days and I am thankful for two things. One, that these events happen and continue to happen. They are answered prayers. I had resigned myself to believing that God’s answers to those cries was NO but now I find that His answer then was WAIT. It is a grand performance of His love and I watch joyfully as I would watch snowflakes fall in summer.**

The second thing I am thankful for is that I have yet to be distracted from the true Light by the falling blessings. I pray that this continues. It’s grace. It’s all because He’s holding me firmly, rooting me as if I were a tree that didn’t have enough sense to bury its roots in the soil. While I am often caught up in whirlwinds of doubt and fear and my eye daily wanders towards the other side, He turns me time and time again to the task at hand. I can’t build my life around the pleasantries that have been happening. Tomorrow, a fierce storm can wipe them off the face of my path and they will be cherished memories but not bread on which I can continue this journey.

I take back my initial count. I am thankful for three things, the third being the constancy and light of the Truth. (grammar?) In churning waves of emotion, the Word of God anchors me safely.

There. I was just thankful and had to write that.

** Yes, I have seen snowflakes fall in summer. =) Okay, it was early summer or late spring at Lake Tahoe. Still.

My Sentiments Exactly

Where is the blessedness I knew
When first I saw the Lord?
Where is the soul-refreshing view
Of Jesus and his word?

What peaceful hours I once enjoyed!
How sweet their memory still!
But they have left an aching void,
The world can never fill.

William Crowper, songwriter and one given to swings of emotion (so writes Ravi Zacharias), penned that one yet it captures my turmoil.

I bought Ravi's Cries of the Heart yesterday. Actually bought is seems inadequate to describe the two hour journey to finally approaching the cashier and shelling out money for the book. I walked around Fullybooked juggling it. I sat in the children's books section and stared at the book in my lap. I moved to the architecture section and wished the book wasn't wrapped in plastic. It was a battle of "No Kristina, it's got nothing new to say to you, you won't find anwsers!" against "Yes Kristina, buy it. It might just be the stern word you crave." Hope won out over pessimism.

Ravi's words in the chapter entitled "The Cry to Feel My Faith" were not new but the tone and delivery both validated my struggle and urged me on with the process of learning to hold my emotions by the Truth of God's Word. "Listen as God speaks. Out of the depths of truth He will tame your passions," writes Ravi. It is wholly tiring for me to feel like I have to beat my body into submission almost every moment. Yet I am reassured by His presence that the ground upon which I beat myself to stay on is to be preferred to the rollercoaster ride of emotions. His love beckons like no other and His shelter offers rest like no other. Dying to me in His gentle hands seems better than dying alone in the dark for things that shall pass. I am frustrated and disappointed by my inability to move along at times and so I pray that I would indeed find His grace sufficient for me.

Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless His holy name!
Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits!
...who forgives all your iniquity
...who heals all your diseases
...who redeems your life from the pit
...who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy
...who satisfies you with good
...who is merciful and gracious
...who is slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love
...who knows our frame and remembers that we are dust
Bless the Lord, O my soul! ~ Ps 103

DCBC Cantata 2006

For Dancers and Wannabe Dancers like Me :)

Pagiilaw ng UP 2006

Despite unrelenting showers, the show went on. And what a show it was! It seemed like the College of Music emptied itself onto the makeshift stage in front of Quezon Hall last night. UP Seraphim, Up Madrigal Singers, UP Concert Chorus, the Symphonic Orchestra... Name it, they were there offering the best in a free concert to celebrate Christmas. I'm so glad me and Yam decided to go despite the hectic schedule on my part. We found ourselves stalking the cure flutist, laughing like kids at the fireworks, and tearing up at the rendition of "Payapang Daigdig". It looks like the Christmas season has started for me.

Ang gabi'y payapa

Lahat ay tahimik

Pati mga tala

Sa bughaw na langit

Kay hinhin ng hangin

Waring umiibig

Sa kapayapaan

Ng buong daigdig

Payapang panahon

Ay diwa ng buhay

Biyaya ng Diyos

Sa sangkatauhan

Needed: Knitting Needles ASAP

The boredom got to me. That's the short version of why I'm suddenly so intent on knitting despite comments that its something only lolas can enjoy. I'm convinced that it'll help me get through my insomnia with less irritation. =)

The search for knitting needles has been fruitless so if anyone has some old knitting needles to spare, can I please borrow them? =) Or give them to me. Hehe. Malapit na ang pasko.

This Chasm in Me

I wake in the morning dreading the moment, hoping that it won't come. Without fail it does. I feel empty and so alone. The day's moments of "un-busyness" are doomed to hurt as a palpable loneliness seeps into my consciousness.

It is not a loneliness for family, friend or lover. How I wish it were for solutions to that seem to be more or less within my reach. Every moment is a struggle to not turn it into such a thing. Every minute, I feel the gap and hate it but fight to keep it empty. I often fail to do so and with each failure is the reinforced lesson that nothing I would seek to cover the hole in me will ever fill it.

In quiet times, a cry of anguish escapes me. Lord, help my unbelief! Help me know that You are near indeed. That those who seek forgiveness and turn back on their ways are indeed forgiven and loved with no less a love than before they fell. That in Your presence, there is FULLNESS of joy.

Stupid, stupid!

Okay, I know that this probably old news for you guys but I just found out about it and I really had to rant.

Ryan Philippe and Reese Witherspoon!!! Ugh! Come on people! You can't be serious?! Stupid guy! Ugh!





Haaaaa.... Well now. That felt good.

Go Figure

Sorry, this post is going to be extremely vague and weird to most of you. But it's the one thing I feel like writing about and I'll take what I can get.

I was invited to this certain something and I wanted to go for all the wrong reasons. Make that reason. Well, I've never been to a certain something like this before, boring life that I lead and all. So I could lie and say I was going for that reason. But if I went, I'd break this new dorm rule and that's just not right. But the thought of screwing it crossed my mind you know. Not because I'd finally get to go to that certain something but because there was this Certain Someone there. And that hit me as pathetic and a bit overdone. I mean, I'd break the rule for my family or my bestfriends. But to want to break it for Certain Someone freaked me out. Certain Someone cannot, and I mean CANNOT, mean that much. So just to prove to myself that Certain Someone did not mean that much, I didn't go.

So much for logic.

Nellie, do you have a new blog up or something?

Frozen Pen

I don't feel like writing. I haven't had a decent "writing frenzy" moment in ages. Agh.

Last Semester

...as an undergraduate that is. Oh yeah, I'm claiming that!

Here's the menu for the next four/five months:

Stat 143: Survey Operations
Stat 148: Experimantal Design
Stat 149: Categorical Data Analysis
Stat 191: Survival Analysis
Natural Science II

I approach this semester with much fear, doubt, and insecurity. But above all, I approach it with much looking to God... from out under the ton of bricks that I feel I'm under.

Tralala...

Yeah, about the title... I can't think of another title. =)

I'm in Pangasinan right now and the only reason I can post is because I've finally hauled my butt out of the house. I'm not really busy at home. Konting review lang para sa GRE. Not enough to get me out of BUM Alert zone though. But I've been doing plenty of thinking and babbling to myself and God.

Square One was great! God is awesome! Most of the time, I'm just sighing all over the place because God is just so beautiful. And the Gospel is mind-blowing! truly, you think that one graduates from the Gospel as you mature. Or that's the way it was with me. I was on the "If you wanna grow in faith, read your Bible...then fast...then give sacrficially...then serve in church...lalala etc" track that I forgot the Gospel. I'm not saying the Bible reading and all the other stuff isn't important. They are very important. But they have to be centered around the Gospel. They're not next levels beyond the Gospel. They're more of paths on which I can really live on the magnificent truth of the Gospel.

So I guess I have to tell myself the Gospel everyday. And that's the fact that I have never been more broken and sinful than today but I've never been more loved and accepted than today because Jesus lived and died for me to redeem me from death to the Kingdom life of fullness, wholeness, love and glory in the Father. Hallelujah! You know, I used to cringe at that word. Now it's the only word other than "Whoa!" that can capture a little of the awe I'm in.

My roommates can attest to the fact that despite living in these islands for a decade already, I still suck at Tagalog. I make grammar mistakes and mispronounce words. My first language is English. I can start talking to you in tagalog but in less than a minute my english will come stealing in and I won't even be aware of it. So I've never had the guts to share this Good News to anyone who'd need to hear it in Tagalog. It intensive enough for me to do it in English. And before it felt like I was trying to get people buy into this Christian product of Christ. I felt so fake. And sick sharing to most people before.

But perfect love casts out fear. And it's His love that transformed me into a daughter who is not afraid or ashamed of telling other people, no matter what language or what the outcome might be, about her Savior, Lord and Lover. We had fieldwork during the camp where we went out into a fishing village and witnessed to the people there. We had to do it in Tagalog so it was a faith walk for me but God is so great. Even if I was the one talking and hugging and listening, it was really me just watching God at work, Jesus hugging people and the Holy Spirit talking. And the rejoicing in the heavens that day... Oh my! God is awesome!