...amidst the holiday stress, the budgets that have been strained beyond all hope, the parties, the gifts and revelations (*wink wink) the babe born in the manger who redeemed me and you by His blood and life to become heirs of grace.
Merry Christmas to all!
You ask me if it all happened in the fullness of time. I honestly can't say. I am not privy to the times He has set for us. But I can tell you that my tummy doesn't feel right about this at all. I did not expect to get that information in that way.
I feel sorely disappointed.
I went home from our company Christmas party with:
Life isn't perfect but it is good.
Okay, I'm one of those marriage freaks. The possibility that I won't get married and have my own family? It has just never occured to me before. I was super secure that I would be a mother and wife. I don't even know where that sense of security was based on. But lately, whatever the base was, it's getting a bit wobbly.
Consequently, I'm getting a bit anxious. I know, I'm only 23. There's years more to go before I turn 27... or 30, should God grant me those years. But now that I'm actually in a place where it's the right time, I'm wondering if there is that right person. Sinful Worry has been creeping in a lot.
And then I was reminded that marriage is a gift for this lifetime only. In heaven, we won't be married anymore. I can't explain it well, but that glimpse from an eternal perspective has helped me loosen my grip on my idol and open my hands to accept what my loving Father plans for me.
I walked into the office on Monday and there was this five foot tree... devoid of balls and ribbons and all the frills. It was sad. I gave it a pat you know. Just a lame attempt to comfort it in it's naked state.
Tuesday morning, I walk in and it's bedecked in blue balls and silver ribbon. I smile because the tree is smiling at me, albeit a bit on the off side. Gotta encourage it to talk you know. It told me blue and silver are really rad colors but they're not Christmassy. I gave it another pat. Hang in there I said.
This morning, it was positively radiant. Nice bling I said when I walked by. It blushed.
Ah, the Christmas season is here.
...doesn't make me feel alone or stupid or silly. she doesn't make me feel needy, clingy or lonely. she understands somehow the emotional swings between wisedom and impulsiveness, the pulling and pushing away, the struggle to remain calm, still and in the right place. somehow my confusion clears up and i am left with only peace. somehow she makes me see that i am loved, that i don't have to panic, that things will come come to pass and that she'll be there for me whatever or whoever turns up on my journey.
she is a blessing that took me a long time to recognize.
I am confused, frustrated, hurt, proud.
I am also kind, patient, there for you.
What's the matter with me??? I do not need another reason to be angry at myself.
...o mga basang basang basang pantalong ko lang un? Nabaliw na ba ang panahon o ano? (...or is that just my wet wet wet jeans? Was that crazy weather or what?!)
Akala ko, tumila na siya (ain't you so proud of me Carlo?) pero isa pala itong pagpapanggap para ako'y lumabas na at lumakad na papuntang opisina. At ng (nang?) makalabas ako at makalayo lang ng limang metro sa bahay namin, aba!, ayan na, bumuhos ang loko. Sira ang aking... ano na nga ba ang "poise" sa filipino?
Nahihirapan na ako. Ang bigat ng pakiramdam ng kaisipan (thought ba ito?) na baka may ilang munting barangay ng bacteria (technical terms are excused) ang kasalukuyang namumuhay sa aking paa at ibabang bahagi ng aking binti (legs daw ito sabi ni joy)... Kahit magbuhos ako ng maraming alkohol, hindi pa rin ako mapakali...
At ayan, gagawa daw ako ng ilang questionnaire para sa mga bagong proyekto. Eto ako ulit, nangangapa sa munting nalalaman na Tagalog... Mabuhay ang Market Research!
I’ve been thinking a lot (and for a long time) about myself and my being a woman and what that’s supposed to mean, if anything. Did God just process this statistically and figured a good sample spread would be a 50-50 split between the sexes and there’s this randomization scheme in heaven where I was randomly picked to be a woman, whatever that may mean?
Of course that doesn’t fit in with how deliberately and wisely planned the rest of creation is and how God is an eternal, powerful, wise Being who is so other worldly as to strike fear in the heart of me. The good sort of fear of course. The honoring, respecting and loving sort of fear.
I’ve mentioned that this “What is a woman of God? Who is this woman? Why is she a woman?” phase has been ongoing for quite sometime now. I don’t have all my answers down yet and I suspect I won’t completely understand this until I’m face to face with my Savior. But I’m going to think out loud here and share the lessons so far.
Most important thing I’ve learned to date is from the book of Genesis (and hulled by reading a lot of other books on being a woman, dating and marriage). God created woman by taking a rib out of Adam and forming her.
“And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.” (Genesis 2:22)
It took me a long time for it to sink in that: 1. God deliberately makes a woman and 2. Eve was a woman before being called a woman by Adam.
“And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of
The first point means my sexuality is not an accident. God initiated it, God created it. In the same way that He has lovingly created me to be a melancholic, neat freak, book geek, He has created me a woman. There has got to be a purpose to this, a uniqueness in how I am to reflect His glory to the world and how I was created to respond to God, to men and to other women. This was something Carolyn Mahaney talked about in one of the sermons I downloaded from the Council of Biblical Manhood and Womanhood, but what can I say, I’m a slow learner.
The second point means I am a woman with or without a man, with or without the clothes/make-up. The environment I grew up does not make me any less or more a woman than I was created to be. So while we have varying degrees of kakikayan, there isn’t a cut-off that determines that you are a woman. Created and raised in different countries and domestic situations does not change this fact either. I am not more of a woman if my mother allowed me to experiment with her make-up and wear her high heels when I was five and I’m not any less of a woman if I climbed trees, scraped my knees raw and enjoyed biking (yes, some of our relatives were aghast to know I did these things!). My femininity doesn’t rest on the fact that I was dressed in, uhm, dresses and given dolls and was encouraged to play house, bake cookies, etc. From the very start of my existence, I was created to be a woman. I am a woman.
This has been all incredibly freeing for me and has given me a fresh spark of hope. But, I do apologize, I have to go check on my widdle project now. Will write on this more soon.
"Ayoko na!!! I don't want this kind of life anymore. Sarap maging wife na lang... Magpapakasal na ako! Tara na
--- Harassed Officemate
I never thought of marriage as an eject button to bail me out of a career that was flying out of control. But as I get more and more stressed, I gotta say, it sounds interesting.
“Do not quench the Spirit. Do not despise prophecies, but test everything; hold fast what is good” (ESV)
I believe God still speaks to His people but I think I'll do what this verse says and test what I think I hear by seeking counsel and by praying. That's why I am not sitting and planning people. Hehehe...
Yes, how tempting it is to rest on that one impression. But I know my emotional health or lack of it. I know that my desires might cloud my impressions and I know my immense tolerance for denial when it means my comfort. So God search my heart.
