Which way? Sit? Okay, I'll sit and be still.

It's not so bad after all. Worries just got the better of me. It's still frustrating and very tiring that I don't have a definite routine yet. But life has been quite an adventure lately and I may be losing pounds living it. Hehe.

I've had lots of promising first and second interviews with very good companies. I'm sorely tempted to insist on my choice of work, but God has been enabling me to pray for His best instead of what I think is best. "I establish your steps", He tells me and then proceeds to give me grace to trust and surrender.

Living on campus and having the luck to reside in a dorm that's just a stroll away from my college building has definitely not prepared me for long commutes. For those who don't know, I live with my Tita in Paranaque right now. To get to UP, I have to take four rides and the average time I spend travelling is 1.5 hours. Being a night owl certainly does not help with waking up early. But, with a lot of help from my Tita and 7 year old niece, I haven't missed or been late for an appointment. I've discovered the joys of commuting. What joys you ask. Well, you get to plan the day ahead or examine the day that was. You get to spend time thinking, reflecting, or praying. And you can lose weight. Public transporation in the Philippines is a entire workout: climbing stairs, running after buses, strenghthening your core by trying to maintain an upright position while standing... And if you happen to be wearing a suit, the summer weather will give you a sauna treatment.

Speaking of my niece (some sentences earlier), being around her has made me realize I don't have a lot of a disciplinarian energy in me. One smile and my irritation is gone. Not in the mood to bathe? Fine, I'll give her fifteen minutes to get one and then I'll give her another fifteen minutes. I can't even muster enough to intimidate her into listening to me. I am bound to spoil my kids. *Grimaces*

Anyway, I have a room all to myself and that's something I've always dreamed of. I wasn't wrong about all the perks it has. I have a lot of privacy which means I don't have to feel conscious while praying (I tend to pray out loud). It's good for my GRE review too. Somehow, I have managed to stay away from the television with all it's channels, Gray's Anatomy and House. I am tempted to use the phone a lot but since I don't have anyone to call locally its escaped an unpleasant fate. There's a community pool that I enjoy almost every night. I wasn't very close to my Tita and cousins before but they are such a riot that it's hard to be lonely during the day. God is good. Really.

Graduation is this Thursday and I don't even have a dress or shoes. I'm STILL not feeling it. Haha... This is unusual behavior for a Mel-Phleg like me.

Okay, this post clearly has no theme. Sorry.

I want to stay, I want to go

This is no longer home for me. The packing has kept me preoccupied so the misery hasn't set in until now. I'm done packing almost six years worth of UP life. Tomorrow, I'll be home for the first time in five months. Tonight, I am besieged with worries.

Four hours from now I'll move to my Tita Perla's place in Paranaque. Four days from now I'll start working at NIH. I feel like I've been stripped of all my comforts - friends, familiar places and the comfortable routine of student life. It's depressing but I must move along. The light for my path these days is the knowledge that Jesus is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. The life I lead may change drastically but the One who leads me changes not. With that I can close my eyes and sleep in His embrace of love that casts out all my fears.

Come on inspiration!

Posting used to be so easy for me. There were once days I'd publish three posts. Nowadays, I actually struggle. Sitting at a table, fingers poised above the keyboard, and eyes searching the ceiling for some hint of inspiration is no way to live. Thank God my mother discouraged me from a career in journalism... I think. No insult meant to those who are in that field. You guys are gifted beings.

I'd rather be presented with a normal probability plot and I'll regurgitate an entire bunch of words in milliseconds. Toxic is the word for me. I love my major and all, but too much of a good thing is bad. Throw in weeks of sleeplessness, anxiety, a lot of green tea and siomai. Perfect mix for writer's block.

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Big load off has been taken off my chest so at least the whole breathing thing is easier. =P Last Saturday's thesis defense was my most successful one ever. My professor was impressed and had no questions about our paper whatsoever. To think that we had just two days to write that up and analyze the data. That is what I call divine intervention. I praise God for the results. I did some David dancing (didn't get anywhere near naked though!) in front of my professor in stilettos out of the sheer joy and amazement at my Lord. I scored wounds on my feet that day but who cares? Ballet prepared me well. *Winks*

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There are major decisions I have to make. Do I start working full time? Or do I concentrate on reviewing for the GRE? Do I really want to work for this particular company? Where am I going to live? Where am I going to get my finances? How can I arrange things so that I can still be around friends and still attend church? The answers don't come easy especially when it's not just my life that's going to be affected. It's rather terrifying so I'm glad of the constant assurance of God's leading and wisdom. He has led me through shadow and valley with unfailing mercy. Surely He will lead me with the same gentle firmness and love through the coming months.

Then there are the minor, everyday or hourly decisions I face. Some days ago, I flopped down on my bed and said " God, ten thousand angels around my heart right now wouldn't be such a bad idea. Can You do that for me please? You know how weak I am in handling this kind of relationship." God has been doing more than that. In every challenge, His grace abounds then abounds even more come the next one.

To all who look to God in tha face of the impossible, we shall never be abandoned.

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It's getting late. I have to start working on my final paper for the semester and hopefully my last requirement as an undergrad student.

"We would give her more consideration, when we judge a woman, if we knew how difficult it is to be a woman." - Geraldy

Most of the time, I lead a rather boring existence. But lately, I've had some rather interesting experiences...

1. Sleeping on the floor sans mattress/banig/blanket
2. Eating PhP2.50/pc siomai for dinner and breakfast
3. Not living, sleeping, studying, or eating in my dorm.
4. Enjoying several bike rides in Krus na Ligas
5. Not being able to shower at night
6. Bonding with thesis groupmates
7. Wanting to hit thesis groupmate with my defective mouse
8. Getting bad exam results from the ones I expected would go well and getting good (really good!) exam results on ones I expected to fail
9. Praying for people when I can't fall asleep. I hate that it's my sleeping pill lately but what's more unfortunate is that it actually works
10. Finding God in unexpected places

Two more papers and I'm done. I hope. =P

Thank you to all who love me in their prayers.

Better posts coming up.

Oh yeah, my blog. Teehee

1. Updates. I need a lot of those these days when thesis papers are all we practically eat, drink and breathe. My laptop is crawling with viruses as the result of all the file sharing with groupmates. Unfortunately, you can't be OC with your laptop when you're pressed with time and no one's head is cool.

2. My roommates and I found a lovely, newly-renovated house in Krus na Ligas. For a two-storey, fully furnished, chandelier-lit, spacious and clean place, it's incredibly cheap at only four thousand a month (water and electricity included). Unbelievable? My mother certainly doubts the offer. But I've checked and rechecked with the owner and it's true. It's a huge blessing for the four of us. My mom is acting a bit anxious over the whole thing. She wants to go shopping for pots, pans and appliances. She even offered to buy me a TV! I quickly refused that offer. I've lived for six years without a TV and a couple more years (or months?) won't make much of a difference. Mom has also set up cooking classes for when I am home for the Holy Week. Looks like my Lenten reflections will be done whilst cooking (read as burning or spoiling) food. Hehe... Mahal talaga ako ni Mama.

3. We just finished our 143 analysis this evening and it's a big load off our chests. Praise God for the sanity and grace. Just a few more finishing touches to our 191 paper and we're done with that too. It's both a relief and a problem. Part the requirement is a peer evaluation to be submitted by each member of the group. There are five of us in the group but only four of us have been really engaged in completing the paper and defending it. There's a part of me that hesitates to give one of my groupmates a failing grade in the peer evaluation for this paper. It doesn't seem like the kind thing to do or, dare I say, the Christian thing to do. I struggled with this last night before God and I still do not have an answer. Am I not commanded to forgive, have mercy and be gracious for I have received all those things in Christ? At the same time, it does not seem right to bestow a grade not earned. It's so easy to count how much I have done and sacrificed in the process of writing that paper and be angry at my groupmate. The deadline for peer evaluation is on Thursday. I guess I will chew on it some more. Thoughts on the matter anyone?

4. Sometimes understanding both sides of an issue is what makes life difficult. You aren't allowed the luxury of being selfish and close-minded. You cannot indulge in emotions of anger, smugness or annoyance. Instead, you struggle as your heart and mind try to find a middle ground to rest safely on. And this struggle takes quite some time. I'm in for the long haul. Sigh.

5. I'm supposed to be writing about the formal dinner last Friday. But I can't think of anything to say... We've been gabbing about it for the past three days here in the room and I'm out of words. We've analyzed and overanalyzed, cropped and retouched pictures, collected bets we've won and paid bets we lost... There is nothing new to say. The pictures will have to suffice. Click here for full album.

6. It weird to know that my mom might read this... Miss ko na kayo. =)

7. Hirit ni Pastor Bel in his sermon last Sunday:

When a diplomat says "Yes", he means "Maybe..."
When a diplomat says "Maybe...", he means "No."
When a diplomat says "No", he is not a diplomat.

When a guy asks a lady is he can hold her hand and she says
"No", she means "Maybe..."
If she says "Maybe...", she means "Yes."
If she says "Yes", then she is no lady.

The Monster Emerges Again

Me: “We’ll start on our 191 paper this afternoon. 1:30 at Ilang. Please review our lessons so that everything will go smoothly and we’re not stumped on how to make sense out of our analysis. Okay everyone?”

Groupmate 1: “I don’t understand anything from Cox regression onwards.”

Me: “That’s why I suggested a review. There’s no way this paper will get done if we don’t understand anything.”

Groupmate 2: “But it’s just a waste of time for us to review. You’re good at this. You understand the subject because you love it. Kaw na gumawa lahat!” *Giggles*

Me: Riggghhht. *Emits Glacial Stare*

I think I’m moving from melancholic-phlegmatic to melancholic-choleric, at least in my academics. I think it’s the worst possible version of me. I get cranky when you appear for meetings just ten minutes late, I’ll hit you with glacial stares if you fail to remember that the deadline for your assigned task was today, and at the height of my irritation, I can even march to our professor and tell him you contributed nothing to the thesis and you know that’s a story that can never end well. Take my word for it. I’ve done that last thing already. If there is any ounce of compassion in me it will disappear in an uncooperative group.

I already hold a reputation in the batch for being OC and “excellence-oriented” which aren’t bad things really. But when the people around you are satisfied with mediocre results and they hate you when you start picking apart every stage in the analysis to improve it, life can be less miserable.

_____________________________________

I really need to rein in some of my thoughts. I tend to open up my blogger account and write without a thought to censoring my words. I gave Mom the link to my blog two days ago and the gravity of that action hit me only last night. If she to go through my archives... Oh my. My mom and I are pretty close but not THAT close. Other than my Mom, I know my cousins are reading this and I haven't really been thinking about that either. Gee Kristina, have a little wisdom. *Wry laughter* Don't even get me started thinking about my brothers and sisters in Christ.

_____________________________________

I need a house/apartment. If anyone knows a place, please do tell me about it. If anyone else needs a place to stay and wants a roommate, I'm here hoping for one too. Warning: I'm a little bit on the freaky side of neatness.

_____________________________________

Formal dinner coming up in a week. Anyone wanna be my escort? Haha...

One Last Chance

Graduation is a just about a month away. Papers are due, exams are filling up our days. Our batch has yet to decide on our theme, order our precious sablays and pay the grad fee. I feel the pressure to make the most of my days as a senior knowing that they are numbered.

There's these three things I dream of doing. I literally dream of them. A lot of risk is involved however and that's why they've remained dreams for the good part of the school year. The semester is about to end and I face the question of whether or not the risks are worth it. Just because this is my last chance, am I allowed to be reckless?

I don't know about you but it's kinda pretty.

They looked like an art project on my skin. Bright splotches of red on a white canvas. Okay, almost white canvas. Of course, I can only say this of my skin rashes/allergy now that I'm all clear and itch-free. My eternal gratitude goes to antihistamines and steroids and to God giving whoever invented the stuff the wisdom to do so. Thank you to all who kept me in their prayers.

God, I miss chocolates. And chicken. And eggs.

Post #279

This is me, desperate for an outlet that won't break my heart in a month or so. Hehe. Ang babaw na talaga ng blog na ito.

I Need Love - Sixpence None the Richer

i left my conscience like a crying child
locked the door behind me put the pain on file
broken like a window i see my blindness now

i need love
not some sentimental prison
i need god
not the political church
i need fire
to melt this frozen sea inside me
i need love

driving into town tired and depressed
like a flare the streetlight bursts an s.o.s.
peace comes to my rescue and i don't know what it means
i need love

---------------------------------------------

I like this place where I am just me before a God who has pursued me until I finally turned around. I must admit that the turning around was no pretty scene. If anything, it was a scene emotionally charged with much anger, disappointment and frustration instead of a humble heart. But maybe that is a healthy interaction with God as well. Maybe it is better that I try to read the Bible and end up throwing it halfway across the room than stowing it in one of the boxes below my bed, out of sight and out of mind.

I count it a daily miracle that I am walking with God even at such a painfully slow pace. The time I spent in the darkness was not wasted time. It helped me to appreciate His grace and His presence. There is nothing more terrifying than getting a close look at the little monster you are and not having someone there to love you.

Bored and somewhat lovesick

Because of certain recent events, I have been called upon to give advice to male friends about initiating relationships. I have no idea why I find myself in this place as I would prefer that my male friends ask other males regarding matters like this. I would just like to observe the hesitancy, nay fear, of stepping out that I consistently encounter in these conversations. I am no expert in love and claim no wisdom on the matter but I do believe that men were made to initiate and made to risk rejection from my kind.

I was reading through some articles on Boundless and would like to share something that made me shout with agreement. Addressed to Christian men who have someone in mind, someone they’ve been praying for and someone they would like to pursue, I hope you don’t mind my posting this excerpt from Croft’s article “Biblical Dating: Are you ready to date?”

In his Boundless article, "Real Men Risk Rejection," Michael Lawrence eloquently summarizes both the objections some men might raise to this idea, and, in my view, the ideal response:

"'Wait a minute. Are you saying that all the risk is mine?' Yes I am. 'Doesn't that mean that she can just tell me no and leave me twisting in the wind?' Yes is does. Welcome to leadership. Welcome to trusting God. Welcome to being a man. Your cards belong on the table. Your intentions and your feelings, to the extent that you can discern them and it is appropriate for
you to share them, should be clear. Part of your role even at this early stage is to protect the woman of your interest from unnecessary risk and vulnerability by providing a safe context in which she can respond."

Full article here: http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001443.cfm

La lang ata ako mapost kaya eto na ginagawa ko…hehehe… violent reactions are most welcome. Dear friend, fidgit not, I understand and sympathize. God give you the grace to walk in joy in this time of your life.

Remembrance

The dirth lasted no longer than two days. Alas, many questions go unanswered still and assumptions threaten the sunny skies and the sanity of my mind. This is such pleasant torture. Blame the GRE for my bloated vocabulary.

Whew!

You know you've had one too many visits to your university health service when

...you have three whole conversations with the nice nurses there about their kids
...you've actually met the son of one of the nurses
...the rest of the nurses nod at you and you smile at them
...you know not to mess around with the mean nurses
...you've forgiven the mean nurses. they were tired.
...the triage nurse is actually nice to you
...your medical records don't fit into the yellow folder so there are a lot of papers attached by a staple
...you know where the bathrooms are (there's a labyrinth inside that normal looking building)
...you know how to give your extensive medical history without having to pause to think
...you begin to understand the doctor's handwriting
...you allot at least two hours of your day for a visit there
...you know that bringing something to study is a good call because of that

Thanks to all who prayed for me. It was just an allergy. I look really horrible but at least I don't miss any classes. Praise God!

Now to find something I can eat that won't make me look horrible. Hehe. I can't eat chicken, eggs, cheese, crustaceans, citrus fruits, mangoes, tomatoes, instant food like noodles, CHOCOLATE (!), nuts, carbonated beverages and any dish with patis or bagoong. This makes for an awesome diet. Haha.

Play "Heart of Life" by John Mayer

"I hate to see you cry
Lying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears
And listen"

I've been sad for days. So on Saturday I allowed myself a good 3-minute cry (tears do not come easily when I need them the most). And while I was curled up there, I remembered...

"Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good"

...that I finally found a job that fits into my career path as a clinical/medical statistician. It's part-time until I graduate. By April, if nothing new comes up, I'll work full time. I never thought an opportunity like this would come up but it did. God is not against me.

"You know, it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
But, then your circle of friends
Will defend the silver lining"

...all the people that cared for me and prayed for me while I was sick in the hospital. Getting sick and dying alone is among my greatest fears. I haven't exactly been a really great person so I thought no one would care. But when I was sick and I felt like I was dying, it was such an incredible blessing to have people turn up and prove me wrong.

"Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good"

...all the people who turned up last Saturday for Openhouse. I'm a terrible hostess and they had to bear with me. I enjoyed the time we spent together and was greatly encouraged by them.

"Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good
I know it's good"

...that God is still patiently waiting for me. He should be pretty annoyed --- downright "wrathy" is more like it --- at me by now. But he's not. It's stupid and I know it. I do something for you, you do something for me. I know that my relationship with him does not work that way, that he owes me nothing, and that I should be repenting of this. But my knees are too proud and God knows my heart. And so it is annoying that I ache for His presence. Annoying but oddly comforting. My heart has yet to be fully stone. I am loved still. I am not that alone. And God is still God.

We don't do this a lot.

And I don't mean us dressing up in smart casual. I mean OPENHOUSE. In fact, it's a once a year thing for us like birthdays or Christmas. So come on and hang out at our place for once. We'll find ways to chill in the heat. The door will be unlocked from 10AM-6PM. Remember the room number: 122. See you!

A moment of pleasure, four days of hell.

C'est La Vie

Valentines still sucks but this year I like to think that the universe conspired to be somewhat kinder. Four women got what they wanted for V-day. They didn't get exactly what they wanted but getting something was pleasant enough.

Ann did not wish for anything being who she was and having who she had on her desk 24/7. Nonetheless she got flowers and a stuffed toy from her mother.

Apple wished for rose-shaped chocolates and a "hotdog" pillow. Her mom sent her both although the stuffed toy can only be remotely called a "cocktail hotdog" pillow.

Gee went out on a date. She did not wish for one but she did wish to go to the movies. The date involved a movie so she enjoyed that.

I wished for a conversation over coffee with someone who did not have the monthlies. I did get one although there was no coffee involved only a rather large investment in cellphone credit. And it was platonic. He was pleasant company for the day and the jokes kept me off John Mayer's "Love Song for No One". That's something.

In behalf of room 122, I thank you Universe.

PS Don't forget the 24th.

Fab Weather!

That said...

A month ago I was content to make it out of UP with a diploma, some statistical skill and a bunch of twisted knots in my tummy. But a lot of things happened. Information was dug up, calculated and presented before my unbelieving eyes. More became a possibility.

I conveniently (or inconveniently) happen to want that More.

So if I don’t return your emails, make dates with you, don’t post, say bye after just an hour of talk, I apologize. Thank you for bearing with me so far. I love you guys.

Life will resume April. Or so I hope.

---

Five Things I Recommend You Check Out

Awake - Josh Groban: The new album is out and it’s fabulous. Gotta love the song “So She Dances”…

Sweet Spy: A Korean series that’s like Alias and Bond themes combined. Gotta love the incredibly cute Dennis Joseph O’Neil…

Double Trouble: My favourite Bread Talk product.

Maybelline’s XXL Lashes Mascara: For “lashless” kikay girls like me, you can trust its claims of longer and fuller lashes. It’s the best I’ve ever had. If you have the moolah, get the new Intense version.

Ilang Open House: February 24. =) Teeheehee

Currently

1. Thinking about that job interview that turned into a resume submission (I applied for a research assistant position at the National Institutes of Health this afternoon). I'm a bit annoyed at how my possible future employer is handling the recruitment process but getting the job is going to be great experience for me and my aspirations to become a biostatistician so I'm gritting my teeth and bearing with the lack of professionalism.
2. Reading my class notes. Can you believe it? I don't get any leisure reading in anymore. The moment I hit the bed, I'm asleep which is highly aberrant behavior given my intimate relationship with Insomnia. Perhaps we broke up and I just didn't realize it. Whatever. Good riddance.
3. Listening to Jojo (High Road) and Clay Aiken (Measure of A Man). Can anyone say pop music? Jojo's "How to Touch a Girl" is stuck in my head. I know, I know... It doesn't sound right but trust me, the touching is not what you think it is. I love her voice.
4. Wishing there were more than 24 hours in a day.
5. Craving fresh garden salad. It has simply been too long.
6. Broke. It's a bit embarrassing that I'm borrowing money to get around but I think the GRE reviewer and black slacks are worth the...um...humiliation.
7. Loving my 3-inch stilettos from Auntie Remy. They are just gorgeous.
8. Very motivated. I'm doing everything without having to go through the entire phase of getting enough inspiration or momentum. I hope the fuel doesn't run out soon.

In the background: Genius - Duncan Sheik

1. First post of the year! Haha!
2. Apparently, December 16 was the last time I had time and brain power to post something. I'm low on both right now. It's CAP-Stat week starting tomorrow, something I never thought I'd see given all the work that I feel I've been doing and not seeing that much progress. Teamwork sucks when only a thrid of the team shows up for meetings and helps out with labor. Practice for the real world, I tell myself.
3. I miss the family. Big families equal big fun but when you're suddenly separated from them it's big depression too. Solitary walks currently rank low on my list of fun things to do. The sadness is only starting to mellow now.
4. I took the GRE diagnostic test last night. Results confirm that I need serious review. It was a bit depressing at first but now I'm just motivated.
5. I wish I could skip this period of my life, maybe fast forward through the next two years. I want to be where I dream of being already. California come on.

Pictures!

Here's the link to my Yahoo! photos album of the pictures of our departure from NAIA to our arrival in Pleasanton, California. You'll get to see (and meet) the my travelling companions and the cute chinese kid I spent most of my Tokyo-San Francisco flight playing with.

Click here.

or here.