Whew!

You know you've had one too many visits to your university health service when

...you have three whole conversations with the nice nurses there about their kids
...you've actually met the son of one of the nurses
...the rest of the nurses nod at you and you smile at them
...you know not to mess around with the mean nurses
...you've forgiven the mean nurses. they were tired.
...the triage nurse is actually nice to you
...your medical records don't fit into the yellow folder so there are a lot of papers attached by a staple
...you know where the bathrooms are (there's a labyrinth inside that normal looking building)
...you know how to give your extensive medical history without having to pause to think
...you begin to understand the doctor's handwriting
...you allot at least two hours of your day for a visit there
...you know that bringing something to study is a good call because of that

Thanks to all who prayed for me. It was just an allergy. I look really horrible but at least I don't miss any classes. Praise God!

Now to find something I can eat that won't make me look horrible. Hehe. I can't eat chicken, eggs, cheese, crustaceans, citrus fruits, mangoes, tomatoes, instant food like noodles, CHOCOLATE (!), nuts, carbonated beverages and any dish with patis or bagoong. This makes for an awesome diet. Haha.

Play "Heart of Life" by John Mayer

"I hate to see you cry
Lying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears
And listen"

I've been sad for days. So on Saturday I allowed myself a good 3-minute cry (tears do not come easily when I need them the most). And while I was curled up there, I remembered...

"Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good"

...that I finally found a job that fits into my career path as a clinical/medical statistician. It's part-time until I graduate. By April, if nothing new comes up, I'll work full time. I never thought an opportunity like this would come up but it did. God is not against me.

"You know, it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
But, then your circle of friends
Will defend the silver lining"

...all the people that cared for me and prayed for me while I was sick in the hospital. Getting sick and dying alone is among my greatest fears. I haven't exactly been a really great person so I thought no one would care. But when I was sick and I felt like I was dying, it was such an incredible blessing to have people turn up and prove me wrong.

"Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good"

...all the people who turned up last Saturday for Openhouse. I'm a terrible hostess and they had to bear with me. I enjoyed the time we spent together and was greatly encouraged by them.

"Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good
I know it's good"

...that God is still patiently waiting for me. He should be pretty annoyed --- downright "wrathy" is more like it --- at me by now. But he's not. It's stupid and I know it. I do something for you, you do something for me. I know that my relationship with him does not work that way, that he owes me nothing, and that I should be repenting of this. But my knees are too proud and God knows my heart. And so it is annoying that I ache for His presence. Annoying but oddly comforting. My heart has yet to be fully stone. I am loved still. I am not that alone. And God is still God.

We don't do this a lot.

And I don't mean us dressing up in smart casual. I mean OPENHOUSE. In fact, it's a once a year thing for us like birthdays or Christmas. So come on and hang out at our place for once. We'll find ways to chill in the heat. The door will be unlocked from 10AM-6PM. Remember the room number: 122. See you!

A moment of pleasure, four days of hell.

C'est La Vie

Valentines still sucks but this year I like to think that the universe conspired to be somewhat kinder. Four women got what they wanted for V-day. They didn't get exactly what they wanted but getting something was pleasant enough.

Ann did not wish for anything being who she was and having who she had on her desk 24/7. Nonetheless she got flowers and a stuffed toy from her mother.

Apple wished for rose-shaped chocolates and a "hotdog" pillow. Her mom sent her both although the stuffed toy can only be remotely called a "cocktail hotdog" pillow.

Gee went out on a date. She did not wish for one but she did wish to go to the movies. The date involved a movie so she enjoyed that.

I wished for a conversation over coffee with someone who did not have the monthlies. I did get one although there was no coffee involved only a rather large investment in cellphone credit. And it was platonic. He was pleasant company for the day and the jokes kept me off John Mayer's "Love Song for No One". That's something.

In behalf of room 122, I thank you Universe.

PS Don't forget the 24th.

Fab Weather!

That said...

A month ago I was content to make it out of UP with a diploma, some statistical skill and a bunch of twisted knots in my tummy. But a lot of things happened. Information was dug up, calculated and presented before my unbelieving eyes. More became a possibility.

I conveniently (or inconveniently) happen to want that More.

So if I don’t return your emails, make dates with you, don’t post, say bye after just an hour of talk, I apologize. Thank you for bearing with me so far. I love you guys.

Life will resume April. Or so I hope.

---

Five Things I Recommend You Check Out

Awake - Josh Groban: The new album is out and it’s fabulous. Gotta love the song “So She Dances”…

Sweet Spy: A Korean series that’s like Alias and Bond themes combined. Gotta love the incredibly cute Dennis Joseph O’Neil…

Double Trouble: My favourite Bread Talk product.

Maybelline’s XXL Lashes Mascara: For “lashless” kikay girls like me, you can trust its claims of longer and fuller lashes. It’s the best I’ve ever had. If you have the moolah, get the new Intense version.

Ilang Open House: February 24. =) Teeheehee

Currently

1. Thinking about that job interview that turned into a resume submission (I applied for a research assistant position at the National Institutes of Health this afternoon). I'm a bit annoyed at how my possible future employer is handling the recruitment process but getting the job is going to be great experience for me and my aspirations to become a biostatistician so I'm gritting my teeth and bearing with the lack of professionalism.
2. Reading my class notes. Can you believe it? I don't get any leisure reading in anymore. The moment I hit the bed, I'm asleep which is highly aberrant behavior given my intimate relationship with Insomnia. Perhaps we broke up and I just didn't realize it. Whatever. Good riddance.
3. Listening to Jojo (High Road) and Clay Aiken (Measure of A Man). Can anyone say pop music? Jojo's "How to Touch a Girl" is stuck in my head. I know, I know... It doesn't sound right but trust me, the touching is not what you think it is. I love her voice.
4. Wishing there were more than 24 hours in a day.
5. Craving fresh garden salad. It has simply been too long.
6. Broke. It's a bit embarrassing that I'm borrowing money to get around but I think the GRE reviewer and black slacks are worth the...um...humiliation.
7. Loving my 3-inch stilettos from Auntie Remy. They are just gorgeous.
8. Very motivated. I'm doing everything without having to go through the entire phase of getting enough inspiration or momentum. I hope the fuel doesn't run out soon.

In the background: Genius - Duncan Sheik

1. First post of the year! Haha!
2. Apparently, December 16 was the last time I had time and brain power to post something. I'm low on both right now. It's CAP-Stat week starting tomorrow, something I never thought I'd see given all the work that I feel I've been doing and not seeing that much progress. Teamwork sucks when only a thrid of the team shows up for meetings and helps out with labor. Practice for the real world, I tell myself.
3. I miss the family. Big families equal big fun but when you're suddenly separated from them it's big depression too. Solitary walks currently rank low on my list of fun things to do. The sadness is only starting to mellow now.
4. I took the GRE diagnostic test last night. Results confirm that I need serious review. It was a bit depressing at first but now I'm just motivated.
5. I wish I could skip this period of my life, maybe fast forward through the next two years. I want to be where I dream of being already. California come on.

Pictures!

Here's the link to my Yahoo! photos album of the pictures of our departure from NAIA to our arrival in Pleasanton, California. You'll get to see (and meet) the my travelling companions and the cute chinese kid I spent most of my Tokyo-San Francisco flight playing with.

Click here.

or here.

What a Journey It Has Been....

4:00AM (Philippine Time) - We arrive at NAIA and discover a mile long line for baggage check-in. Good thing we're travelling with Inang who recieves special assistance. We get pulled to the front of the line and in less than thirty minutes, we're done with check-in, immigration and boarding security measure. We settle in the boarding area for the long wait. When the sun peeked over the horizon, me and Mikhael competed for the best dawn photo. I won. As of this time, none of us except Inang has had any sleep in 24 hours.


8:00AM (Philippine Time) - Northwest Airlines Flight No. 20 takes off for Tokyo-Narita International Airport. We're served breakfast onboard. I'm eat trade my beef for my brothers' scrambled eggs because they're allergic to the stuff. For the most part, airplane egg concoction isn't something that excites me but the NWA scrambled eggs were actually delicious. After breakfast we all succumbed to sleep.


1:30PM (Tokyo Time) - Arrival at Tokyo-Narita International Airport. We get off the plane and I get to be astounded by the incredible warmth and hospitality of the Japanese (or at least the Japanese airport personnel). Talo pa nila ang Thais, who have dominated the ranks of most warm and hospitable people in my opinion. It's another 2.5 hours wait for our connecting flight. I convinced my Mom to give me the US$100 so I can buy postcards and this japanese fan. For some weird reason, she didn't want to use it at first because she didn't want smaller bills. I won her over by telling her she'd spend sooner or later and smaller bills were a certainty in our future.


4:00PM (Tokyo Time) - Northwest Airlines Flight No. 28 departs for San Francisco. Mom, Inang, Mik and Omar and seated close to each other but I'm separated from the pack for some weird reason. A ticketing problem says my Mom. I got a little bummed by the fact that I didn't get a window or aisle seat but this soon became a non-issue when my seatmate turned out to be the cute Chinese guy I was eyeing in the baording area. We connected despite the fact that I spoke no Mandarin (I assume it was Mandarin hehe) and he spoke no English. By the end of an hour, he was kissing me. The "guy" was around two feet tall and communication with him consisted mostly of baby talk and hand signals. Picture below. When the little tyke had to go to sleep, I turned to my personal entertainment center. I'll say this of Northwest: way more leg room, a personal entertainment center, at least twenty movies you can choose from, great service and way cheaper ticket rates - all these puts NW ahead of PAL on my preferred carriers. Sorry, it's not a nationalism issue. It's a service issue.


7:05AM (San Francisco Time) - Arrival at the San Francisco International Airport. Slight hitch at immigration but we got over it. Mom was too stunned to speak when the immigration officer asked us about the issue so I'm glad thank you God for the presence of mind to answer in her place. Thank you din Lord for smoothing out that particular wrinkle, for keeping us safe, for early arrival times, for no lost baggage, no food spoilage and for keeping us all sane and able to bear with each other during the journey. It got tough at times and there were raw nerves but thanks for helping us put that aside to work as a team and enjoy the journey. Since I'm the official photographer, I'm not included in the picture of the family upon arrival in Gravina Place, Pleasanton.



Right now - We're just a couple of 2 cousins short of a full house of the 2nd generation but we're having fun already. Tomorrow we're off to San Francisco and I'm guessing I need to wear at least three shirts under the jacket. My goodness, it is freezing here: 7 degrees Celsius! My brothers are hardier than me. They're used to Baguio climate so that ups their cold tolerance a bit. Sunday, we "kids" are going unsupervised by any parent to Los Angeles. Haha, can anyone say uninhibited?



Okay time to hit the sheets.


More pictures to follow. I tried to get them on now but there seems to be a problem with the system.

Let It Snow, Let It Snow...

Nice things have been happening these past days and I am thankful for two things. One, that these events happen and continue to happen. They are answered prayers. I had resigned myself to believing that God’s answers to those cries was NO but now I find that His answer then was WAIT. It is a grand performance of His love and I watch joyfully as I would watch snowflakes fall in summer.**

The second thing I am thankful for is that I have yet to be distracted from the true Light by the falling blessings. I pray that this continues. It’s grace. It’s all because He’s holding me firmly, rooting me as if I were a tree that didn’t have enough sense to bury its roots in the soil. While I am often caught up in whirlwinds of doubt and fear and my eye daily wanders towards the other side, He turns me time and time again to the task at hand. I can’t build my life around the pleasantries that have been happening. Tomorrow, a fierce storm can wipe them off the face of my path and they will be cherished memories but not bread on which I can continue this journey.

I take back my initial count. I am thankful for three things, the third being the constancy and light of the Truth. (grammar?) In churning waves of emotion, the Word of God anchors me safely.

There. I was just thankful and had to write that.

** Yes, I have seen snowflakes fall in summer. =) Okay, it was early summer or late spring at Lake Tahoe. Still.

My Sentiments Exactly

Where is the blessedness I knew
When first I saw the Lord?
Where is the soul-refreshing view
Of Jesus and his word?

What peaceful hours I once enjoyed!
How sweet their memory still!
But they have left an aching void,
The world can never fill.

William Crowper, songwriter and one given to swings of emotion (so writes Ravi Zacharias), penned that one yet it captures my turmoil.

I bought Ravi's Cries of the Heart yesterday. Actually bought is seems inadequate to describe the two hour journey to finally approaching the cashier and shelling out money for the book. I walked around Fullybooked juggling it. I sat in the children's books section and stared at the book in my lap. I moved to the architecture section and wished the book wasn't wrapped in plastic. It was a battle of "No Kristina, it's got nothing new to say to you, you won't find anwsers!" against "Yes Kristina, buy it. It might just be the stern word you crave." Hope won out over pessimism.

Ravi's words in the chapter entitled "The Cry to Feel My Faith" were not new but the tone and delivery both validated my struggle and urged me on with the process of learning to hold my emotions by the Truth of God's Word. "Listen as God speaks. Out of the depths of truth He will tame your passions," writes Ravi. It is wholly tiring for me to feel like I have to beat my body into submission almost every moment. Yet I am reassured by His presence that the ground upon which I beat myself to stay on is to be preferred to the rollercoaster ride of emotions. His love beckons like no other and His shelter offers rest like no other. Dying to me in His gentle hands seems better than dying alone in the dark for things that shall pass. I am frustrated and disappointed by my inability to move along at times and so I pray that I would indeed find His grace sufficient for me.

Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless His holy name!
Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits!
...who forgives all your iniquity
...who heals all your diseases
...who redeems your life from the pit
...who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy
...who satisfies you with good
...who is merciful and gracious
...who is slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love
...who knows our frame and remembers that we are dust
Bless the Lord, O my soul! ~ Ps 103

DCBC Cantata 2006

For Dancers and Wannabe Dancers like Me :)

Pagiilaw ng UP 2006

Despite unrelenting showers, the show went on. And what a show it was! It seemed like the College of Music emptied itself onto the makeshift stage in front of Quezon Hall last night. UP Seraphim, Up Madrigal Singers, UP Concert Chorus, the Symphonic Orchestra... Name it, they were there offering the best in a free concert to celebrate Christmas. I'm so glad me and Yam decided to go despite the hectic schedule on my part. We found ourselves stalking the cure flutist, laughing like kids at the fireworks, and tearing up at the rendition of "Payapang Daigdig". It looks like the Christmas season has started for me.

Ang gabi'y payapa

Lahat ay tahimik

Pati mga tala

Sa bughaw na langit

Kay hinhin ng hangin

Waring umiibig

Sa kapayapaan

Ng buong daigdig

Payapang panahon

Ay diwa ng buhay

Biyaya ng Diyos

Sa sangkatauhan

Needed: Knitting Needles ASAP

The boredom got to me. That's the short version of why I'm suddenly so intent on knitting despite comments that its something only lolas can enjoy. I'm convinced that it'll help me get through my insomnia with less irritation. =)

The search for knitting needles has been fruitless so if anyone has some old knitting needles to spare, can I please borrow them? =) Or give them to me. Hehe. Malapit na ang pasko.

This Chasm in Me

I wake in the morning dreading the moment, hoping that it won't come. Without fail it does. I feel empty and so alone. The day's moments of "un-busyness" are doomed to hurt as a palpable loneliness seeps into my consciousness.

It is not a loneliness for family, friend or lover. How I wish it were for solutions to that seem to be more or less within my reach. Every moment is a struggle to not turn it into such a thing. Every minute, I feel the gap and hate it but fight to keep it empty. I often fail to do so and with each failure is the reinforced lesson that nothing I would seek to cover the hole in me will ever fill it.

In quiet times, a cry of anguish escapes me. Lord, help my unbelief! Help me know that You are near indeed. That those who seek forgiveness and turn back on their ways are indeed forgiven and loved with no less a love than before they fell. That in Your presence, there is FULLNESS of joy.

Stupid, stupid!

Okay, I know that this probably old news for you guys but I just found out about it and I really had to rant.

Ryan Philippe and Reese Witherspoon!!! Ugh! Come on people! You can't be serious?! Stupid guy! Ugh!





Haaaaa.... Well now. That felt good.

Go Figure

Sorry, this post is going to be extremely vague and weird to most of you. But it's the one thing I feel like writing about and I'll take what I can get.

I was invited to this certain something and I wanted to go for all the wrong reasons. Make that reason. Well, I've never been to a certain something like this before, boring life that I lead and all. So I could lie and say I was going for that reason. But if I went, I'd break this new dorm rule and that's just not right. But the thought of screwing it crossed my mind you know. Not because I'd finally get to go to that certain something but because there was this Certain Someone there. And that hit me as pathetic and a bit overdone. I mean, I'd break the rule for my family or my bestfriends. But to want to break it for Certain Someone freaked me out. Certain Someone cannot, and I mean CANNOT, mean that much. So just to prove to myself that Certain Someone did not mean that much, I didn't go.

So much for logic.

Nellie, do you have a new blog up or something?