In the Land of Melancholics

"If you kill all the phlegs in the world... wala lang. The world will go on without us," lamented LG last Sunday. See LG and Nellie are phlegamatics. This temperament is calm, cool, peaceful, and quiet. Kadalasang NR. Won't get involved/lead/initiate unless forced to do so but when they do they are extremely gifted leaders. And lately my two friends think they have nothing to contribute to society unlike the cholerics who set the world's goals, the sanguines who keep the world happy and the melancholics who provide art, music and drama.

Of course, I don't agree with any of their nonsense. The Phlegs are essential is what I say. They provide stability. They are good diplomats. They are the calm in the midst of storms. But do my friends believe me? No.

But last night, when I watched In the Land of Women with Nellie, we got a glimpse into a world where everyone was either melancholic or choleric. And it was not the prettiest picture. Melancholics go running in the rain, go kissing people they shouldn't, don't ask for help, wonder why everyone is so disappointed in them, idealize people they fall in love with, handle break-ups badly and don't recognize the people who truly love them. They get punched, they punch other people, they write long love letters, they go jogging and then they hit a tree because they jog with their eyes closed. They tend to say the wrong thing at the wrong time with all the right intentions. They tend to jump to conclusions. They also feel sad or angry for no particular reason. All highly entropic stuff. I recommend the movie. A better title for it would have been In the Land of Melancholics.

I am highly indebted to Phlegmatics like LG, Joy, Sheena and Kathy. They have kept me afloat in my periods when I did or am all of the above except the punching and getting punched part. They are my flotation devices and if they were to be eliminated from my world, I would die.

Cheers to Phlegmatics, the world's water wings!

On the 23rd I wish...

• That my birthday was that day instead of a Monday which everyone knows is the toughest day of the week
• For a great afternoon with six other ladies (perhaps more) over pizza, pasta and chicken wings
• For bus tickets home
• For a new wallet with lots of slots for all my cards and photos and a place for my coins. Something simple. Not black.
• For a smaller version of my ESV Bible
• For a gift certificate for Pancake House
• A deep, rich purple spag top
• A haircut at Azta Salon
• For people not to get stressed over getting me something. If they really want to just remeber that I'm cheap (as in St. Francis/Divi/Greenhills kind of cheap), I love knock-offs, my love languages are time and touch and I'm easily pleased.

Hit me... hard

"You weren't exactly the most obedient one...

(leaves and then after 20 minutes, comes up to me to say)

The battle is the Lord's but Noah still built the ark."

- Nellie. Sept 9, '07

Ah, the lovely ways Nellie causes paradigm shifts in my life.

A Fresh Brew of Trouble

Mom had to use that tone of voice to get me to throw away those white ballet flats. They were so comfortable and the no-brainer addition to almost every outfit I could ever wear. They had taken me so many places and it showed. I threw them away with a heavy heart and wished I hadn't for days afterward.

It took me two years to fully move on after our less than a year together. It wasn't the person I missed I think. But the everyday, seemingly ordinary things really get to you. Having someone to talk to for hours at an end. Lunches and dinners together. Random notes and reminders. How are you? Here let me help you with that. You know better than that Krissy...

And that's how I've felt all week. I was never one to let go easily. And it really is the everyday things that get to you and tire you out. Today I feel like I've been dragged through a rougher ride than usual.

God, please help me believe that the lines have fallen for me in pleasant places, that You are my cup and my portion, that there's a reason I feel empty and that You can fill me.

Food! Food! Food!

It's the worst possible time in the month to get the blues. Really. PMSing and then the blues. Or was the blues part of the PMS?

All I want to do is eat.

Roasted chicken. Lots of romaine lettuce and honey mustard. Raisins covered in dark chocolate. Double trouble from Bread Talk. Brownies! Particulary the walnut brownies from Starbucks. Sanfo chocolate sprinkle caramel apples. Garlic pasta. Strawberries. Strawberry ice from Quickly. Adobo. Thank God that Tita Fil decided to cook some last night...

But. Still. Wanting. More.

Pepsi Max. Chocolate crinkles. Green mangoes. Even if that means getting a bad allergic reaction. Shrimp sinigang. Even if that means getting a worse allergic reaction.

And then I look in the mirror and hear "One second on your lips, forever on your hips". Woman! Control yourself! It's food for heaven's sake. NOT LOVE!

Say it with me again Appetite.

"It's food not love."

Glimpses

I was feeling sadder than usual last night. I just lay there on the top bunk, staring at Psalm 13, letting its powerful words wrap their arms around me and hoping that I will indeed cease taking counsel in my own soul ang trust in His mercy.

Then Nellie got up from the lower bunk and began teasing me. She was so cute. For a moment I thought of my future daughter. Of how she'd come and settle into my arms, give me wet kisses and hug me then say "Mommy, don't be sad. I messed up the kitchen just for you to clean and be happy."

And that made me feel lighter.

The Lord has dealt bountifully with me.

What September Means to Me

1. I'll be celebrating another year of life and praying that the next year be better.
2. I'm five sixths done with my training and one month closer to being a full-fledged PSRC-RI Research Associate. Market research rocks... If you choose to look at it that way.
3. Christmas songs will be playing on the radio. It's the Philippines and our four - or is that five - month long Christmas season. I love Christmas but this part I hate. This and the packed malls.
4. Two months more and this thing will turn into a year. Interesting. I still don't know if we're going to go somewhere else but I'm learning to enjoy this time. Walk by faith babe.
5. Lots of work. Overtime hours and four hour nights. Lots of projects.
6. Trying to decide on the worship leading thingy.
7. The DCF Alumni Homecoming on the 22nd

Hello to Mcul in Texas. There dearie, did a lot of updating for you. Hehehe... Be well.

This Side

Hello, I'm Krissy. I'm 23 and single. There are good days and bad days but all in all, I'm not all too eager for this season of my life to end. And for reasons other than I'm a little young for that end.

Don't get me wrong, I pine, whine and pray for a husband. My thoughts on marriage are still the same. But I'm discovering singleness as the gift it was meant to be and not the curse I always wanted to break away from.

It's an amazing time of discovering and appreciating that God made me a woman, appreciating my call in life as a woman and embracing the role I was created for. It's being about my self-esteem and where I should really find my beauty in. It's about being wooed by God until the time He allows me to wooed by someone else. It's making peace with myself and God.

Of course, it's also about weekends with girlfriends, about painting my nails purple, knowing that you can take on a job with crazy hours and being okay with messing up the cooking.

I look forward to its end but I will also miss it when I cross over.

Nice end to such a busy week

I'm definitely NOT where I planned to be and this is nowhere close to any of my dreams. It's depressing especially at the end of what seemed like a 14 day week. But Candice gave me some huge encouragement. This week has not been wasted. God doesn't do waste.

Faithfulness today with whatever you currently have to work with is the path God calls you to take. How you do with a little responsibility will affect how much more responsibility you'll get. That goes for the job you're in right now, as well as for any internship, mission trip, volunteer work or freelance assignment you might take on. If you'll handle each responsibility by faithfully meeting needs and doing your work as unto God, He will faithfully guide you to the next step along the way to realizing the dream He placed in you.

It's there but not quite

I haven't been home for more than three months and that's nothing new. My lifestyle has been mobile ever since I hit high school. At the age of 13, I was hopping from one place to another in a frenzy of seminars and competitions. I can pack in ten hours or ten minutes. Airports are a breeze for me, unknown streets are exciting challenges and the adrenaline rush is quite addicting.

Don't you miss your home and your family people ask me. I do but I have learned to deal with it. Home is not a place but the people and though it can never measure up, technology keeps them ever present in my life. Wherever I am, it's the daily text messages and emails that keeps the laughter and sometimes tears between us fresh. There's nothing like hugging Mom but for now her new fascination with Harry Potter is enough to warm me as I walk to work alone under a gray sky.

LSS

But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away

from You leaving me this way
Jesus can you show just how far

the east is from the west
Because I can't bear to see the man

I've been come rising in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
Coz You know just how far

the east is from the west
One scarred hand to the other

Chorus of East to West
By the Casting Crowns
From the forthcoming album The Altar and The Door

Anubeh

Our Managing Director called work off today due to floods.

So I finally get the NO WORK work day I have fantasized about for ages. But I have no idea what to do with it. So I'm still in the office.

What a sad life.

Still defiant, still for the Ped Xings!

Reading through the archives of Steve Levitt's and Stephen Dubner's blog Freakonomics, I came across this remark by Dubner on the city of Vancouver:

The biggest culture shock for me is that nobody here jaywalks. Coming from New York, I jaywalk at every opportunity. People look at me funny in Vancouver when I do this. Here, they wait patiently for the light to change, even if there are no cars. I asked several people why this was so. Some suggested that Canadians are simply obedient, whether by conditioning or temperament. Others said that jaywalking has been discouraged by the police, who sometimes ticket jaywalkers. One guy (who worked at Chapters) told me that nobody jaywalks because they are all stoned — apparently, a lot of marijuana is smoked here in Vancouver. Whatever the reason, Levitt should probably spend more time here since he hates it when people cut in line, like in Poland.

Am I stretching my naivete if I say that if it can be done in Vancouver, it can be done in Manila?

And if you haven't read Freakonomics, get/borrow a copy. It is one of the coolest books ever.

Too True

From Dr. Foreman on House MD, Season 3, Episode 13:

Those who are afraid of commitment are those who know how big it is.

Sniff

From Amanda, The Living Room:

Last night, trying to fall asleep, I was thinking about my kids, the ones that exist only in my imagination and some distant future; in my mind’s eye I had to look straight in the eyes of this little boy and tell him that yes, he’d done something wrong, but that didn’t mean I didn’t love him, in fact I loved him before he was even born, and I just started crying, because right then, for a brief moment I think I understood how God feels.

Divine Discontent?

I have nothing to complain about. Nothing substantial anyway. There has been nothing but blessings after blessing in my life. Even with the minor troubles and worries, I find myself unshaken and still standing on the Rock. And that is something I am extremely grateful for. God knows how shaky I can be in my walk with Him.

But there's this nagging dissatisfaction. More prayer perhaps? More reading of His Word? A commitment to serve in our church?

Everything is okay, some things are even excellent in my life. But there's got to be MORE to life than this. I don't like waking up mornings with the Teacher's words echoing through my mind, "Vanity, everything is vanity..."

I want to wake up, smile at the sun streaming through our bedroom blinds and praise God for another day.

Maybe it's a will thing.

Right.

Googled:

Krissy's life purpose

Among the results:

Radiant Singleness

That's divine intervention!

If a friend didn't unwittingly send this message to me this morning, I'd have missed out on God's awesome care for me and my concerns. What a shame! And how ashamed I am when I realize how my focus on work has crowded out my acknowledgement of God's gracious presence in my life! God, I ask for forgiveness.

This whole thing started on Friday. I was totally swamped with work and client emails/calls. I logged overtime hours on a Friday night but that wasn't enough. I was forced to take my work home. Saturday was a tiring day of packing and moving out from my Paranaque residence to my new place in Ortigas. Too tired from the packing then unpacking, I wasn't even able to finish half of my workload. After service yesterday, I got right back to working and finished the translation part of the code plan just before dinner. I resumed at 9pm after dinner and a short break.

By 10PM (with less than 25% of sheets organized into nets), I was feeling hopeless and telling friends that I needed divine intervention if I was to submit the translated and organized code plan before lunch today. At 11PM, I decided to give up. There was no way I'd finish my work before Monday lunch so I might as well get some much-needed rest. I crawled into bed and talked to God about all my worries, about how hopeless and joyless I was. I can't say I slept well because I had peace knowing that God would help. I slept with a fatalistic and resigned outlook to what what I perceived to be inescapable criticism from my boss and DP department.

I was on autopilot this morning, rushing through the morning routine while making mental post-its for all my work today in my consciousness. I got to the office, skipped my morning tea ritual, flipped my PC on and began organizing codes like my life depended on it. In a way, it did. 20 minutes of insanity, my boss called and told me to send it to him. I apologized and said I needed more time to organize the codes. And here's the divine intervention part: My boss said that organization into nets was no longer needed! How's that for God helping me out with work?

But I didn't even pause to really let that sink in. I breathed a single line of not-that-heartfelt thanks, told aforementioned friend and went right on with other pending tasks! My friend's reply was such a wake-up call for me. "That's divine intervention." Truly it was and how ungrateful I was for it. I spent a couple of minutes in our pantry talking to God about that.

But oh how gracious is my King! I go forth this week with a renewed sense of the God who is truly with me, who cares and who corrects. I pray my focus on work does not overwrite my praise and when it does, I pray for grace to see and turn back.

Post #300: Feeling Better

Thanks for everyone's prayers, text messages, comments and love. Fever hasn't been back since last night and my cough is more "productive" albeit giving me those irritating throat itches. Praise God for a yesterday's rest, meditation and laughter.

I'm back in the office (ready to pretend I'm very busy and important?). But the PC they brought in as a replacement for my former slow PC is making noises loud enough to disrupt the entire floor. So I'm crashing in someone else's cubicle and using her PC. Nyahahaha...

Malapit na akong maging Ortigas girl! I should probably start packing my stuff...

Sorry, no deep thoughts here. There's a typhoon. Take care everyone. Don't get sick. It's plain rotten to be sick.

The Sick Post

I am sick. Yet again.

I have a feeling my body is waging a war on me and it refuses to tell me why. I wasn’t this sickly before. I’d bounce back from a fever or cold in less than a week despite depriving it of much needed sleep. Water therapy, Tylenol and warm baths were all it took.

I was feeling better (I was, I was, I was!!!) last weekend. In fact I felt so good that I was able to go out with my friends and make wonderful memories, watch Transformers and survive the commute with smile.

But yesterday, my body went crazy. It started with a really bad headache on my way home. Then I started coughing again, the kind of coughs that make your chest hurt, so much noise and so little “output”. After dinner, I began to heat up. I think it was just a slight fever but my Tita wanted to bring me to the hospital because she said I had a high fever. I bet my next salary that if I weren’t 5’5” tall and she wasn’t 4’ tall, she’d have dragged me out of my bed and into an emergency room. (This after just telling a friend that gambling was bad!)

This is hard for me to say especially since I’ve been telling people this morning that I’m okay and that I can survive another day at the office. But this stubborn workaholic is coming out:

I want to go home.