This morning on my way to the office...
Guard at the Gatehouse: "Good morning Ma'am! Ang ganda po talaga ng ngiti ninyo this week. I-share naman po ninyo ang magandang balita."
I'm evil I know... But I can't help it. I've tried but apparently, there's no covering this up.
Cue "Feelings Show" by Colbie Caillat. Play.
Death. No one is comfortable about it, no one is practiced in handling it. But is a certainty of life.
I flew to Capiz last Friday for the funeral of Carlo's mom. For a week before that, I struggled with words as I kept in touch with the Kit and Carlo. There's simply nothing to say. As I stayed up late at night reading text messages from them the first few nights after their mother passed away, I took almost an hour to reply.
Sunday afternoon, people told me I should go. I dreaded the idea of being there but being silent. What use would I be to the bereaved in that way? I would only be a burden to them as I stayed with them. But God cleared the path for me, I obeyed and flew there.
I spent my entire afternoon there tongue-tied. And we wouldn't talk. But by evening, I realized that my words weren't going to help anyway. So I listened. I sat there silent. And to my surprise, only then did the stories came forth... So did the grief... We just sat there most of the time after that in silence and somehow that was all that was needed.
There was much temptation to fill the silence, to tell them to let it out, to tell them this and that. But I knew words would fall flat. It was a time to stand by them, share their loss, be still and know God there.
"...is a love that is there for the other.
It seeks to give. It wants to serve. It endeavors to protect. It strains to nurture.
Loves sees what others often cannot see. It looks simply at the outer person, with its beauty or lack thereof. It looks at the inner person and sees its potentiality, and its woundedness.
And in seeing does not flee or attempt to remake the other. But it stays long enough to be close, to care and to empower."
-- Whispers from the Edge of Eternity
There are no words I can say to comfort you as you lie in bed waiting for sleep and hoping to dream of her...
I trust that God will keep you, all of you.
Me and Nellie have decided to sell some pretty necklaces and a bag from Cebu. Please check out our first batch of accessories, by clicking on the link below:
Eccaia ana is Quenyan for ocean gift and you'll find out why we chose this name if you click on that link! 
So check it out and just give us a buzz if you're interested in anything.
Erg! I forgot to bring my camera again. I've been planning to post family pictures taken during the holidays.
It's the little things you forget... And how they all pile up!
Some things are probably best seen then left alone. No dreams, no hopes, no urgent pleas in the dark for definition and clarity.
I thought I was ready. I still think I am. I've been told things like these never work out the way you think it will, even if you have considered hundred of scenarios. Something always happens and it changes things. I never thought I would be scared. But I am.
Answers came so easy before. Now they don't. I think I more or less played by the rules. But did that help?
Now I'm dodging the questions. Because now this is serious. It's not a scenario. It's a scene. And it could change the rest of our lives.
Forget that:
And remember:
Cheers!
...amidst the holiday stress, the budgets that have been strained beyond all hope, the parties, the gifts and revelations (*wink wink) the babe born in the manger who redeemed me and you by His blood and life to become heirs of grace.
Merry Christmas to all!
You ask me if it all happened in the fullness of time. I honestly can't say. I am not privy to the times He has set for us. But I can tell you that my tummy doesn't feel right about this at all. I did not expect to get that information in that way.
I feel sorely disappointed.
I went home from our company Christmas party with:
Life isn't perfect but it is good.
Okay, I'm one of those marriage freaks. The possibility that I won't get married and have my own family? It has just never occured to me before. I was super secure that I would be a mother and wife. I don't even know where that sense of security was based on. But lately, whatever the base was, it's getting a bit wobbly.
Consequently, I'm getting a bit anxious. I know, I'm only 23. There's years more to go before I turn 27... or 30, should God grant me those years. But now that I'm actually in a place where it's the right time, I'm wondering if there is that right person. Sinful Worry has been creeping in a lot.
And then I was reminded that marriage is a gift for this lifetime only. In heaven, we won't be married anymore. I can't explain it well, but that glimpse from an eternal perspective has helped me loosen my grip on my idol and open my hands to accept what my loving Father plans for me.
I walked into the office on Monday and there was this five foot tree... devoid of balls and ribbons and all the frills. It was sad. I gave it a pat you know. Just a lame attempt to comfort it in it's naked state.
Tuesday morning, I walk in and it's bedecked in blue balls and silver ribbon. I smile because the tree is smiling at me, albeit a bit on the off side. Gotta encourage it to talk you know. It told me blue and silver are really rad colors but they're not Christmassy. I gave it another pat. Hang in there I said.
This morning, it was positively radiant. Nice bling I said when I walked by. It blushed.
Ah, the Christmas season is here.
...doesn't make me feel alone or stupid or silly. she doesn't make me feel needy, clingy or lonely. she understands somehow the emotional swings between wisedom and impulsiveness, the pulling and pushing away, the struggle to remain calm, still and in the right place. somehow my confusion clears up and i am left with only peace. somehow she makes me see that i am loved, that i don't have to panic, that things will come come to pass and that she'll be there for me whatever or whoever turns up on my journey.
she is a blessing that took me a long time to recognize.
I am confused, frustrated, hurt, proud.
I am also kind, patient, there for you.
What's the matter with me??? I do not need another reason to be angry at myself.
...o mga basang basang basang pantalong ko lang un? Nabaliw na ba ang panahon o ano? (...or is that just my wet wet wet jeans? Was that crazy weather or what?!)
Akala ko, tumila na siya (ain't you so proud of me Carlo?) pero isa pala itong pagpapanggap para ako'y lumabas na at lumakad na papuntang opisina. At ng (nang?) makalabas ako at makalayo lang ng limang metro sa bahay namin, aba!, ayan na, bumuhos ang loko. Sira ang aking... ano na nga ba ang "poise" sa filipino?
Nahihirapan na ako. Ang bigat ng pakiramdam ng kaisipan (thought ba ito?) na baka may ilang munting barangay ng bacteria (technical terms are excused) ang kasalukuyang namumuhay sa aking paa at ibabang bahagi ng aking binti (legs daw ito sabi ni joy)... Kahit magbuhos ako ng maraming alkohol, hindi pa rin ako mapakali...
At ayan, gagawa daw ako ng ilang questionnaire para sa mga bagong proyekto. Eto ako ulit, nangangapa sa munting nalalaman na Tagalog... Mabuhay ang Market Research!
