Ich liebe dich

Mcdonalds Pearl Drive, when will you open your doors and let us have some of your wonderful fries and fantastic sundaes?

Work news: The boat is sinking BUT I can't jump off it until I get the whole 12 months and a bonus. Panic level at an all-time high but I can't let it get the better of me. Not now when I'm on my 12th month.

Home news: DUDE! It is incredibly difficult to find decent (read as affordable, near my office and ACed) housing. Just the thought of walking the entire San Miguel Ave, not to mention jepp and tricycle ride before walk... Argh! Brain is soup. So if anyone is looking for a place to live in Ortigas or is looking for a housemate (I can clean!!! I'm neat!!!), give me a buzz.

LL news: Uhhh... I realized I need some Expectations Management. Did some work in that area. So last Sunday was good. Had it's share of weird moments (Samahan kita tumingin ng swimsuit) but overall it was some good hanging out.

I feel...

...like I was run over by a garbage truck

...angry, disappointed, frustrated. Talo ko pa ang isang Psych graduate sa galing ko sa pagprobe kahapon na ala In Depth Interview pero wala akong napala. He was the perfect example of the worst kind of respondent to have in a research study.

...sad. Sad for me. Sad for him. Sad for my parents. Sad for my mentors. Sad for my friends. I don't even know how to answer my parents.

...angry at myself because here I am YET AGAIN giving more than I am given, willing to risk my neck while the other person pulls the cord that operates the guillotine, still trying my very best to be a good person and a good friend even if I want to hit him, feeling bad that he's probably feeling bad right now, ang knowing that I may not have the willpower to walk away if he took but one little step towards me.

...grateful for all those who have tried to keep me sane, who've poured out wisdom, who've prayed are are still praying, who have hurt for me, who have gently rebuked me, who basically stick by me and give me hugs and boinkies

...that God will teach me a lot through this but right now, He knows I need to grieve

Circus Freak

"So... Yeah, I thought it would be cool to grow a beard. A girl with a beard! Now that's different! But I won't just stop there. I thought, a beard of scars trumps a beard of hair. So here it is folks!"

Sigh. Third month of acne therapy is the dumps. Absolute dumps.

Sweet!

I'm incredibly happy... and excited.

And terrified. Hahaha...

Didn't think you'd hear that from me eh? But new things are always scary things I am told so I take comfort in the reassurance I'm normal. What I love most about this is how awesome (and painfully humbling) it is to get hit over the head by the "far more abundantly than all we can ever ask or think" line. God is chuckling at this all. And He's not the only one having fun.

And so it begins...

"There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken... The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the DANGERS and PERTURBATIONS of love is Hell." -- CS Lewis; The Four Loves

Hurrah!

I bought a pair of jeans yesterday, enough reason for my close friends to celebrate. They're been gently telling me my jeans no longer fit properly. I gave away all my "thin clothes" in a fit of depression over my battle with my weight long ago. So now I've tasted some victory, I have to buy new thin clothes.

But what a victory! I walked into the shop, spotted a good style of jeans and grabbed the medium to try on. I actually laughed in the dressing room! The medium didn't fit well! I asked for the small and that fit just right... WOW! It's been what?! 8 years!!! EIGHT years since I wore a small size!!!

Freak out! Hahaha... Thank You God, clients, vegetables, fruits, and the weighing scale! Now to celebrate with some Kit Kat Cafe Latte! Hahaha...

PS Don't worry, I'm not after skinny. I'm after healthy. Hehehe...

New Book!

I spent a whee portion of my Valentines gift (or so I've come to call my latest salary) on this book. It cam highly recommended and I finally own my own copy to read, highlight and reread like crazy.

Lovely cover eh? LOVELIER CONTENT! Sample:

"It was a rimy morning and very damp. I had seen the damp lying outside my little window, as if some goblin had been crying there all night, and using the window as a pocket handkerchief."

See? What an image! I am quite aware this screams LIT GEEK all the way but I don't care --- I AM UNASHAMED!

A joint review by me and joy is in the works.

On Money, More Chocolates and Michelle Obama

Okay, I threw in Michelle Obama just for fun. Hahaha... But I have to say I feel that she's more "authentic" than Hilary Clinton.

I told God and a couple other people that all I wanted today was for my paycheck to come through. And it did, so I'm happy and it's St Valentines Day, so I guess it's a happy Valentines Day for me.

The M&Ms Dark Chocolate is dogging me every night. It's comfort food already. But I'm trying to steer away from that and steer towards a better source. It's been an uphill climb but the weighing scale needle is staying steady so HURRAH for that.

"Broke up" with someone yesterday. Always sad stuff but in this case it's balanced by this odd feeling that some things really have to break in order for other things to heal. I can't find a sliver of guilt in me which is scary to not find. Screams PRIDE all the way. So hopefully, I can get around to repenting for that. But I can find a strong feeling of knowing that I've given it all I had and that I can't take a step anymore and that even if I did, that faltering step would be meaningless.

I'm no poster child for Christianity. But I realized yesterday that you can take a lot of stuff/people from me... and I believe I will be okay/happy/joyful somehow and somewhere later down the road. As long as you don't take Jesus from me. So good thing that nothing can separate me from His love. These are things that are easy to say when life is good. But I've been through bad patches and I'm still here because of Jesus. And that gives me hope for any bad patches I'll run into.

Pyrolympics 2008

World Pyro Olympics 2008 Schedule

Start: Feb 16, 2008 6:00pm
End: Mar 15, 2008
Location: Bay Area of Mall of Asia,
Pasay City

The skies of Manila will once again
glitter as the La Mancha Group of
Companies bring you the 3rd World Pyro
Olympics 2008. This year’s edition of
the fireworks competition in Manila will
showcase what is considered to be the
world’s best when it comes to Fireworks
craftsmanship and artistry.

The 2008 World Pyro Olympics Fireworks
Competition will be held at the Bay Area
of Mall of Asia, Pasay City, Philippines.

February 16 - China (CN) vs Germany (DE)
February 23 - Japan (JP) vs Australia (AU)
March 1 - Korea (KO) vs Dubai (AE)
March 8 - Italy (IT) vs Venezuela (VE)
March 15 - France (FR) vs Philippines (PH)

Meet Wuji

This pic made my day. It reminds me of someone special. HAHAHA... Insider's you know what I'm talking about it... Notice the "hair"

Hand me that Skin

Like I told a friend, it's not that I want to but that most days, I feel controlled to do so. To try to walk around in your skin, to somehow understand, to somehow let myself be open to the hurt, to somehow strain to be patient and to nurture in any way I can.

And trust that He will keep me and you.

Shattered

There are whispers that still turn me cold

Remembered touches that break me

Scarred and shattered

Will I never be whole? Where is Your healing?

Will the memories stay forever?

Lord have mercy, have mercy

Don’t let this pain destroy me

Don’t let it mar every scene

Help me breathe

Help me cling

Lord have mercy, have mercy

Magandang Balita

This morning on my way to the office...

Guard at the Gatehouse: "Good morning Ma'am! Ang ganda po talaga ng ngiti ninyo this week. I-share naman po ninyo ang magandang balita."

I'm evil I know... But I can't help it. I've tried but apparently, there's no covering this up.

Cue "Feelings Show" by Colbie Caillat. Play.

Comforting those who mourn

Death. No one is comfortable about it, no one is practiced in handling it. But is a certainty of life.

I flew to Capiz last Friday for the funeral of Carlo's mom. For a week before that, I struggled with words as I kept in touch with the Kit and Carlo. There's simply nothing to say. As I stayed up late at night reading text messages from them the first few nights after their mother passed away, I took almost an hour to reply.

Sunday afternoon, people told me I should go. I dreaded the idea of being there but being silent. What use would I be to the bereaved in that way? I would only be a burden to them as I stayed with them. But God cleared the path for me, I obeyed and flew there.

I spent my entire afternoon there tongue-tied. And we wouldn't talk. But by evening, I realized that my words weren't going to help anyway. So I listened. I sat there silent. And to my surprise, only then did the stories came forth... So did the grief... We just sat there most of the time after that in silence and somehow that was all that was needed.

There was much temptation to fill the silence, to tell them to let it out, to tell them this and that. But I knew words would fall flat. It was a time to stand by them, share their loss, be still and know God there.

Agape

"...is a love that is there for the other.

It seeks to give. It wants to serve. It endeavors to protect. It strains to nurture.

Loves sees what others often cannot see. It looks simply at the outer person, with its beauty or lack thereof. It looks at the inner person and sees its potentiality, and its woundedness.

And in seeing does not flee or attempt to remake the other. But it stays long enough to be close, to care and to empower."

-- Whispers from the Edge of Eternity

Held

There are no words I can say to comfort you as you lie in bed waiting for sleep and hoping to dream of her...

I trust that God will keep you, all of you.

He was after all, a man of many sorrows… And well acquainted with grief…

Eccaia Ana

Me and Nellie have decided to sell some pretty necklaces and a bag from Cebu. Please check out our first batch of accessories, by clicking on the link below:

Eccaia Ana

Eccaia ana is Quenyan for ocean gift and you'll find out why we chose this name if you click on that link! Don't worry, nothing's going to bore a hole in your wallet. Everything is affordable (think Divi or St Francis!) and really cute. If I hadn't bought contacts, I would have bought most of our stock...

So check it out and just give us a buzz if you're interested in anything.

Post It Needed

Erg! I forgot to bring my camera again. I've been planning to post family pictures taken during the holidays.

It's the little things you forget... And how they all pile up!

Denial

Some things are probably best seen then left alone. No dreams, no hopes, no urgent pleas in the dark for definition and clarity.

I thought I was ready. I still think I am. I've been told things like these never work out the way you think it will, even if you have considered hundred of scenarios. Something always happens and it changes things. I never thought I would be scared. But I am.

Answers came so easy before. Now they don't. I think I more or less played by the rules. But did that help?

Now I'm dodging the questions. Because now this is serious. It's not a scenario. It's a scene. And it could change the rest of our lives.

God...

...what do you say to a friend who watches his mother die a little more everyday?

Mind over Matter

Forget that:

• I'm back in the office, making my slow progress with my inbox and all the other things on my mental to do list...
• (because) I just came from Pangasinan and am operating on less than two hours of sleep
• I don't have roommates...
• Worse, that my best friend is not back in Manila yet
• Christmas went by in a blur of food and TV programs
• I have no spiritual health in me
• I don't want to fast because I'm going to fast for all the wrong reasons but maybe it's like what God said to Moses, that he'd only find out who God was only after he led the people out of Egypt... Maybe I'll shut up, and give my pea-sized faith a stretch
• I'm a couple of pounds heavier
• I will lose bet after bet because I do not trust him
• We don't have performance bonus yet... and we may never get one.

And remember:

• Long driving with the family to Manila
• Getting a facial with Mom
• Inang's laugh when she was found out
• Meeting Mcol and having loads of fun with her
• The four foot tall teddy bear Omar gave Mcol for Christmas
• Night with the girls in Serendra and how beautiful we were and how beautiful we still are without the make-up and clothes
• That I have a job! A good one where I learn, often the hard way, a lot of things and where nothing is ever boring.
• That someone somewhere thinks I'm something and that I'll find out exactly what soon, I hope.
• God won't give up on me. God has plans for me.

Cheers!