It's there but not quite

I haven't been home for more than three months and that's nothing new. My lifestyle has been mobile ever since I hit high school. At the age of 13, I was hopping from one place to another in a frenzy of seminars and competitions. I can pack in ten hours or ten minutes. Airports are a breeze for me, unknown streets are exciting challenges and the adrenaline rush is quite addicting.

Don't you miss your home and your family people ask me. I do but I have learned to deal with it. Home is not a place but the people and though it can never measure up, technology keeps them ever present in my life. Wherever I am, it's the daily text messages and emails that keeps the laughter and sometimes tears between us fresh. There's nothing like hugging Mom but for now her new fascination with Harry Potter is enough to warm me as I walk to work alone under a gray sky.

LSS

But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away

from You leaving me this way
Jesus can you show just how far

the east is from the west
Because I can't bear to see the man

I've been come rising in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
Coz You know just how far

the east is from the west
One scarred hand to the other

Chorus of East to West
By the Casting Crowns
From the forthcoming album The Altar and The Door

Anubeh

Our Managing Director called work off today due to floods.

So I finally get the NO WORK work day I have fantasized about for ages. But I have no idea what to do with it. So I'm still in the office.

What a sad life.

Still defiant, still for the Ped Xings!

Reading through the archives of Steve Levitt's and Stephen Dubner's blog Freakonomics, I came across this remark by Dubner on the city of Vancouver:

The biggest culture shock for me is that nobody here jaywalks. Coming from New York, I jaywalk at every opportunity. People look at me funny in Vancouver when I do this. Here, they wait patiently for the light to change, even if there are no cars. I asked several people why this was so. Some suggested that Canadians are simply obedient, whether by conditioning or temperament. Others said that jaywalking has been discouraged by the police, who sometimes ticket jaywalkers. One guy (who worked at Chapters) told me that nobody jaywalks because they are all stoned — apparently, a lot of marijuana is smoked here in Vancouver. Whatever the reason, Levitt should probably spend more time here since he hates it when people cut in line, like in Poland.

Am I stretching my naivete if I say that if it can be done in Vancouver, it can be done in Manila?

And if you haven't read Freakonomics, get/borrow a copy. It is one of the coolest books ever.

Too True

From Dr. Foreman on House MD, Season 3, Episode 13:

Those who are afraid of commitment are those who know how big it is.

Sniff

From Amanda, The Living Room:

Last night, trying to fall asleep, I was thinking about my kids, the ones that exist only in my imagination and some distant future; in my mind’s eye I had to look straight in the eyes of this little boy and tell him that yes, he’d done something wrong, but that didn’t mean I didn’t love him, in fact I loved him before he was even born, and I just started crying, because right then, for a brief moment I think I understood how God feels.

Divine Discontent?

I have nothing to complain about. Nothing substantial anyway. There has been nothing but blessings after blessing in my life. Even with the minor troubles and worries, I find myself unshaken and still standing on the Rock. And that is something I am extremely grateful for. God knows how shaky I can be in my walk with Him.

But there's this nagging dissatisfaction. More prayer perhaps? More reading of His Word? A commitment to serve in our church?

Everything is okay, some things are even excellent in my life. But there's got to be MORE to life than this. I don't like waking up mornings with the Teacher's words echoing through my mind, "Vanity, everything is vanity..."

I want to wake up, smile at the sun streaming through our bedroom blinds and praise God for another day.

Maybe it's a will thing.

Right.

Googled:

Krissy's life purpose

Among the results:

Radiant Singleness

That's divine intervention!

If a friend didn't unwittingly send this message to me this morning, I'd have missed out on God's awesome care for me and my concerns. What a shame! And how ashamed I am when I realize how my focus on work has crowded out my acknowledgement of God's gracious presence in my life! God, I ask for forgiveness.

This whole thing started on Friday. I was totally swamped with work and client emails/calls. I logged overtime hours on a Friday night but that wasn't enough. I was forced to take my work home. Saturday was a tiring day of packing and moving out from my Paranaque residence to my new place in Ortigas. Too tired from the packing then unpacking, I wasn't even able to finish half of my workload. After service yesterday, I got right back to working and finished the translation part of the code plan just before dinner. I resumed at 9pm after dinner and a short break.

By 10PM (with less than 25% of sheets organized into nets), I was feeling hopeless and telling friends that I needed divine intervention if I was to submit the translated and organized code plan before lunch today. At 11PM, I decided to give up. There was no way I'd finish my work before Monday lunch so I might as well get some much-needed rest. I crawled into bed and talked to God about all my worries, about how hopeless and joyless I was. I can't say I slept well because I had peace knowing that God would help. I slept with a fatalistic and resigned outlook to what what I perceived to be inescapable criticism from my boss and DP department.

I was on autopilot this morning, rushing through the morning routine while making mental post-its for all my work today in my consciousness. I got to the office, skipped my morning tea ritual, flipped my PC on and began organizing codes like my life depended on it. In a way, it did. 20 minutes of insanity, my boss called and told me to send it to him. I apologized and said I needed more time to organize the codes. And here's the divine intervention part: My boss said that organization into nets was no longer needed! How's that for God helping me out with work?

But I didn't even pause to really let that sink in. I breathed a single line of not-that-heartfelt thanks, told aforementioned friend and went right on with other pending tasks! My friend's reply was such a wake-up call for me. "That's divine intervention." Truly it was and how ungrateful I was for it. I spent a couple of minutes in our pantry talking to God about that.

But oh how gracious is my King! I go forth this week with a renewed sense of the God who is truly with me, who cares and who corrects. I pray my focus on work does not overwrite my praise and when it does, I pray for grace to see and turn back.

Post #300: Feeling Better

Thanks for everyone's prayers, text messages, comments and love. Fever hasn't been back since last night and my cough is more "productive" albeit giving me those irritating throat itches. Praise God for a yesterday's rest, meditation and laughter.

I'm back in the office (ready to pretend I'm very busy and important?). But the PC they brought in as a replacement for my former slow PC is making noises loud enough to disrupt the entire floor. So I'm crashing in someone else's cubicle and using her PC. Nyahahaha...

Malapit na akong maging Ortigas girl! I should probably start packing my stuff...

Sorry, no deep thoughts here. There's a typhoon. Take care everyone. Don't get sick. It's plain rotten to be sick.

The Sick Post

I am sick. Yet again.

I have a feeling my body is waging a war on me and it refuses to tell me why. I wasn’t this sickly before. I’d bounce back from a fever or cold in less than a week despite depriving it of much needed sleep. Water therapy, Tylenol and warm baths were all it took.

I was feeling better (I was, I was, I was!!!) last weekend. In fact I felt so good that I was able to go out with my friends and make wonderful memories, watch Transformers and survive the commute with smile.

But yesterday, my body went crazy. It started with a really bad headache on my way home. Then I started coughing again, the kind of coughs that make your chest hurt, so much noise and so little “output”. After dinner, I began to heat up. I think it was just a slight fever but my Tita wanted to bring me to the hospital because she said I had a high fever. I bet my next salary that if I weren’t 5’5” tall and she wasn’t 4’ tall, she’d have dragged me out of my bed and into an emergency room. (This after just telling a friend that gambling was bad!)

This is hard for me to say especially since I’ve been telling people this morning that I’m okay and that I can survive another day at the office. But this stubborn workaholic is coming out:

I want to go home.

Six Years Down the Road

As wide-eyed, idealistic freshmen, we met on the second floor of the Centerfold Wing of the Kalayaan Residence Hall. Six years later...






Left Bottom to Right Bottom:


Gilda: Graduated with a degree in Business Administration and Accountancy. Works for SGV. Studyng for the CIA (Cert. of Internal Auditor) exam.


Nina: Graduated with a degree in Communications Research. Works for TNS.


Alou: Graduated with a degree in Materials Engineering. Starts her PhD program at the University of Cinncinati this October.


Joy: Graduated with a degree in Communications Research. Former Synovate-er. Currently works for the Philippine Bible Society.


Yours truly: Graduated with a degree in Statistics. Works for PSRC-RI.


Tin: Graduated with a degree in Business Administration and Accountancy. Works for SGV. Studyng for the CIA (Cert. of Internal Auditor) exam.


All of us not so idealistic anymore but cautiously optimistic, still in pursuit of our dreams or what's left of them. Haha...

10 Favorite Sensory Experiences

1. Hugs
2. Having my hair brushed or stroked. But it'll feel good with certain people only. I react negatively to others.
3. Back massages done by at Ate Nitz, field interviewer extraordinaire who never fails to make me laugh.
4. The feel of a teaspoon of honey in my mouth.
5. The soothing sight of waves as they come in and out (recede?) and the sounds of the shore: the waves, the gulls, the people around.
6. The sound of Apple and Yam laughing.
7. The whole experience of singing the benediction every Sunday with the entire DCBC family.
8. Joy and her southern belle accent... Or is that soul sistah accent???
9. The smell of freshly baked bread, strawberry wine and babies after their bath.
10. Dancing ballet... Feeling the floor when I'm on pointe... Being attuned to my body... Listening to the music... Feeling the sweat trickle down my back... And the sound of my teacher's voice reciting the steps.

What's This Tag Thing?

Janna tagged me and from what I gather I'm supposed to list 10 weird things about me. Janna, quits na tayo ah? Hehe...


1. I'm a people pleaser and an insensitive person. At the same time.

2. I like treating other people when I'm feeling down because seeing them happy makes me happy too.

3. I want and don't want to immigrate.

4. I danced ballet thinking that I'd injure myself with my foolishness in pointe shoes. But I ended up getting injured while ice skating.

5. I like my ice cream with salt.

6. I wash my hands before and after using the bathroom.

7. Kinikilig ako over the most mundane things.

8. I love watching surgeries but not bloody action scenes.

9. I can't live without white ballet flats in my collection of shoes.

10. I can't for the life of me hold on to a grudge. Even if it means being an embarrassment to womenkind and the rule that we should give the guys a hard time.

I tag Nellie, Joy C., Manders, Mun Onn, Butch, Jojee, Ida, Rina, Omar and LG.

And the ball starts rolling

Thoughts over the weekend:

- I want to move. I need to move. Move na ako! I'm not cut out to be a Southern (Mega-manila) belle.

- I'm using way too much water. Must. Conserve. Water.

- Some guys just don't get it. Agh!

- Purple nail polish makes me happy. But it does not suit me.

- Should have never worn stilettos to the mall.

- This whole "Give the guys a chance to lead" thing is NOT working out.

- I need to get away from... Flee in the other direction is more like it.

- We are all each others keeper. One person can't do it alone.

- Apple was right. When you're sad, it is actually possible to feel such intense pain in your chest that you can't breathe. And in my case, eat.

- Human hearts are weird and extremely fragile things. Handle with care.

Thoughts that came up just now:

- Janna, I still owe you that tag post. Sorry. Am having some difficulty thinking about what's weird about me. =)

- Nellie, where are you? Looking forward to lunch.

- Must. Not. Let. It. Get. To. Me.

Bless Me with More Foolishness

I have a thing for pedestrian lanes. I can be wearing expensive shoes or 3inches+ stilettos but I will kill my feet (and my friends' feet) walking on until I find a pedestrian crossing. Only then will I allow myself to cross the street.

Nothing special, you say.

Wrong. It is. For here in the Philippines, being a stickler for pedestrian crossing, buckling your seatbelt, holding doors open for strangers and standing in line for public transport makes you stand out---often not in a good way.

If you're lucky enough to find a decently painted pedestrian lane, you can still die assuming our drivers know that they're supposed to slow down when they see the sign for Ped Xing. But drivers are just one half of the story. Most people don't even bother using the pedestrian crossing. Jaywalking is the norm here. Don't be surprised if you see someone darting across a major highway in what is tantamount to police chase scenes in Hollywood movies. Or if the do use the pedestrian crossing, they pay no heed to the walk/don't walk signals. They will creep over the crossing, one lane at a time effectively bringing lane by lane of vehicles to a halt even when the traffic light is green.

Try buckling your seatbelt (if there is even one) on a taxi and you'll get one of three things: 1) The driver looks at you, realizes he should be doing the same and proceeds to follow the law. 2) The driver chooses to ignore your subtle hint and drives you to your destination with out using his seatbelt and 3) your friends in the backseat laugh at you for bothering.

Another norm: Doors slamming in your face. Or elevators door closing in on you because no one pressed the hold button and people didn't let you pass. Apparently, one of the reasons we didn't make it to the RD list of most courteous/polite people in the world was because holding doors/elevators open wasn't part of our practices.

As for getting a ride on the bus or jeep in orderly fashion, that exists only in select spots of the metropolis. Most of the time, commuters are assured of the same kind of action only WWF wrestling should offer. I have to stand aside and look on in amazement at a bunch of people turned crabs with all the shoving and trampling going on.

But day in and day out, I grit my teeth and choose to do what's counter-norm. I cross only at designated places, I buckle up, I hold the door and I try to be courteous to other commuters. I make friends suffer doing the same when they're with me. The pedestrian lane thing does not exactly make them burst out in joyful praise.

Why?

Because I stubbornly and maybe foolishly believe that if I want my nation to be a better one it starts with me. It starts with me trying to model what I believe the Filipina will become in a few years. If I dream of a nation that is known for its good goverment and great people, then I have to pray to God for mercy and for grace then go out and practice the vision I have for this country.

For I hope that when my own kids have to catch a bus, they will not be trampled upon. They will not be foolish for buckling up, holding doors open or using a pedestrian lane because by then a new and better norm will prevail.

Who knows? We may top that RD list of most polite people.

Heads Up People!

1. For those of you who've enjoyed Yahoo! Photos Services, go to your account now and tranfer/download your uploaded pictures because they're shutting down the service. I had to transfer all 67 albums in my two accounts to Shutterfly. I have CD copies and all the pictures are still on my laptop bur I'm such a stickler for back-up copies. OC me. Hahaha...
2. Angel beats Tiger! My Dad played golf before but I was never that interested in it. But this news story made me go "Whoa!"
3. I'm moving to Ortigas next month! Now that I'm working OT hours, I feel the pain of the gruelling Paranaque-Ortigas commute. I know a friend who's been waiting for me to give up and, hey, I finally have. Good thing we didn't bet. Nellie, we're roommates again! Will roommates the second time around be sweeter? Hahaha...Corny.
4. Yeah, I'm not doing anything here in the office right now. I go in before 8 (official office hours are 8:30-5:30) and got a chance to have some quiet time since people didn't come in until 9-ish. What a wonderful way o start the week. Now, if my boss would just come in... I can't pretend to be busy forever. Worker lurker mode does not help with the sanity retention.
5. I hear Ballet Manila is performing Carmen sometime this month. Liza Macuja will be dancing. I'll get back to you guys with details. Wish they would do Don Quixote.
6. I am loving the Knorr Porck Cubes commercial! "Makulay ang buhay / makulay ang buhay / Sa sinabawang gulay!" The dance isn't so bad. Great for morning warm-up while waiting for the kettle to warm up the water for coffee.
7. Hate haTE HATE the Pond's commercial. The one with the wife getting out of the car and her husband's thoughtlessness. Ugh!
8. Watching commercials has become part of a day's work for me. I get home around 8, eat dinner then watch TV until 10-10:30. My job requires me to be on top of all these ads and I have yet to get a hang of things. All I really remember are the Knorr and Pond's commercials.

Run Through...

...the woods, plop down on a plush carpet of grass and watch the sun rise or set. Ah, that would just be a perfect thing to do right now instead of sitting in an office pretending to deserve my salary for today. If I'm going to be paid, I'd rather I actually accomplish something, anything that actually helps this company or our clients. Better days (read: Stressful days of endless projects and unending consciousness) are coming and my workaholic soul looks forward to it.

---

My brother Omar has been in and out of clinics and hospitals. He has calcium oxalate crystals in his kidneys and that's causing considerable discomfort to him. There are more tests to be done while the doctors are trying to deal with the situation with medications. Hopefully, the crystals will cooperate with the meds and pass through or else surgical intervention will be needed. My brother has had a tough time lately and it's sad that he has to feel bad physically too. So if you could pray for him, I'd really appreciate it.

---

QTs really need to stand for Quality Times for me. I feel like I hit God then run. Like I was telling a friend last night, I really shouldn't be surprised if it's tougher to keep company with God, be still and know Him right now than when I was on campus with a million reminders of Him all around. I just need to see God in my new environment. I bet there are a million things that speak of His goodness and graciousness, His power and majesty here in my new world. I simply need to open my eyes and find them. And put a little more backbone into setting time to tune myself to Him.

---

YM Moment

Nellie: so after badminton ng monday am, uwi ka na?
Krissy: yeah...why did you wanna do something else?
Nellie: wala naman, just thinking what I'll be doing
Nellie: =)
Krissy: ah ok...cleaning after the mess i leave?
Nellie: you and mess don't belong in a sentece except if it goes like you clean mess
Nellie: =))

A Few Things I love About Pinoys/Being Pinay

1. In the face of seemingly insurmountable trials and difficult circumstances, our sense of humor and love of laughter don't diminish. Together, they are the shadow of the Filipino. Go to the airport and see how Pinoys handle the security measures --- with a lot of chuckles and corny jokes.

2. "Kain po tayo" Translate this into English and you lose all the warmth, love and care that's packed into those three words. And if you're not familiar with Filipino nuances, you might take the invitation seriously when you're not supposed to and some poor Pinoy goes a little hungrier.

3. We know how to have fun! That's not just me talking, that's my American friends too. Just look at the plethora of colorful fiestas and celebrations around our archipelego. There is always a party somewhere and it's seldom quiet and you'll be hard-pressed to stick to your diet. Last year, our Filipino-packed house in Miami was the only one in the entire block making noise on New Year's Eve.

4. If you have Pinoys waiting in line for more than fifteen minutes or stuck together in a jeep in our infamous rush-hour traffic, you will find them chatting with each other. On the shuttle ride I take everyday to and from work, I have gotten to know people well enough during traffic to ask about their kids/spouse/work the next day we see each other.

5. When we meet another Pinoy/Pinay abroad, we go a little crazy! We're just so happy to meet a kababayan that we hug, we eat lunch together, and we talk and talk and talk --- even if we were total strangers to begin with. Plus, you don;t have to worry you'll miss out on this experience because wherever you go in the world, there's a Pinoy there for sure. If we weren't such nice people, we could have implemented a world domination scheme by now. Nyahahaha!

6. We're big on family. We have big families. Family for us consists not just our immediate family but grandparents (and not just your parents' parents), aunts (and their husbands and their husbands' siblings and...), uncles (and their wives and their wives' siblings and...), cousins (first, second, sometimes even third), nieces, nephews, inaanaks... You get the idea. Plan a small, intimate wedding where only family and friends will attend and you'll still have a big wedding in reality because just one family means at least 50 guests already! If two Pinoys get married, it an even longer guest list without even counting close friends.

7. I love how we use unlimited text messaging to greet everyone in our phonebook "Gandang umaga po!". Haha...

Gandang gabi po!

Yey! A Post! (Also read: Pathetic Attempt to Update Blog)

Getting your first paycheck is quite the rollercoaster of emotions. Or is it just me and my warehouse stocked with emotions? Okay, getting MY first REAL paycheck had all the ups and downs and all arounds of a theme park ride.

First, there was the understated text message from a fellow trainee. "Chek ATM. Erly sweldo ntin." I read the text message, looked at my cousin over an emty plate of cake crumbs and scream: "I have money to buy more cake!!! Or coffee. For that matter anything we wanna eat today!!!"

Then there was the mad rush to find a BPI ATM. They are like kabute most of the time but never seem to be grow near you when you actually need to have cash sprigatti. We walk in the crazy heat and by the time we spot one, we could have hurled ourselves against the wall and we would have stuck.

But I forgot my amoy-pawis parfum the moment the machine spit out a receipt. I had cash! Cash I earned! First ever salary! Hah! There was some dancing involved. All the movement probably precipitated thoughts in my brain. I stare at the little slip of paper I was dancing about. What?! Laki naman ng tax/SSS/Philhealth ko!!! Wah! I stopped dancing.

Brains whirled with quick calculations for budget. Momentary joy when I realized I can live comfortably and have a some left for savings. Plunged into panic when I remember that this is God's salary more than it is mine. Tithes!!! Oh my... Okay. Redid calculations. At the end of it all, I'm so grateful Mom is still giving me money for rent. I reminded and still remind myself not to panic too much about how I'll survive five months from now when Mom cuts the rent support. Just save like crazy and curb the comforts (read: comfort food and comfort shoe shopping).

Okay. I can do this. I can. I will survive until the next payday. Hopefully, it'll be early again. Hehe.