My head aches. I got really lost in our discussion of efficiency and other parametric point estimation concepts in my Statistics 131 class this morning. Perhaps trying to train myself to get by on four hours of sleep isn’t such a good idea right now.
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It helps though that my favorite outlet (i.e. Blogger) is working again.
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Un petit prolème. I haven’t been to ballet class for three weeks already due to exams and other appointments that have gotten in the way. Teacher Mylene sent me a message that, if read between the lines, means that I am really expected to be there this Friday. At the same time, there’s the Alab Yahweh Streams thing on Friday that starts at exactly the same time my class does. Sigh. I really must see that dance presentation. It will help me a lot in the dance ministry and I did promise Ate Hazel that I’d watch. There’s a second show next weekend. I guess I’ll have to make time for that. Another mark of absence in my ballet class. Sigh.
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If anyone has a copy of Liza Dalby's Geisha, pretty please, can I borrow it? I can't find the book anywhere. I wonder, is this one of those time when you can actually request the Main Library to procure the item?
August 15, 2005
August 11, 2005
The Great Blog Flood
I'm sorry for this novela. It's just that I've been writing a lot and posting a little due to Blogger's technical problems.
[ADD Moment: "Technical problems" is such a great alibi, don't you think?
Well, here's everything I've scribbled down amidst the problems sets and machine problems.
[ADD Moment: "Technical problems" is such a great alibi, don't you think?
"I'm sorry I was late with my part of the report. My laptop was having technical
problems." or "Really? You didn't get your birthday greeting? Sheesh, must be
some technical problem with the website I got your e-card from"]
Well, here's everything I've scribbled down amidst the problems sets and machine problems.
Written August 8: Waking up to Tears
I woke up from my afternoon nap and felt incredibly depressed. So I ended up crying and crying. What makes the incident odd is the fact that I don't really have anything to be that depressed about. Besides it takes a lot to reduce me to tears (with the exception of cocckroaches). So after a two hour long weeping session, I wonder, do I have some sort of chemical imbalance in my brain?
I mean, everything is going nicely in my life. I don't have anything to complain about really. And of the things I am having problems with, I wasn't really feeling that miserable over them. So how come the depression attacks?
It wouldn't have been so out of this world if it was an isolated incident. As it happens, this is the fifth one since the June.
I mean, everything is going nicely in my life. I don't have anything to complain about really. And of the things I am having problems with, I wasn't really feeling that miserable over them. So how come the depression attacks?
It wouldn't have been so out of this world if it was an isolated incident. As it happens, this is the fifth one since the June.
Written August 6: Input Tea, Output Mess
I have my donuts, my tea and what I think is my brain. Lovely. Now, on to it.
For starters, I am feeling incredibly alone. I was so desperate for someone to talk to this morning that I practically hounded Ate Jojee until she was whisked away by a Philcoa jeep. For those of you who don’t know, Ate Jojee is my super-gentle, very tough and incredibly patient discipler. Anyway, who better than to follow around like a sad puppy (which is very me right now) than her? If you’ve read my last two posts (Aug 4 and 5), you’d think all is not well in my spiritual life. That’s true. And when your relationship with God goes through these troughs (as in waves), practically everything else in your life is screwed.
This reminds me of the main reason I stopped updating “Life Under Grace”. At first, I thought I’d post the Christian stuff on Life and all the rest on the Porch. But it turned out to be a silly thing. I could hardly tell where to post a certain entry. You can’t draw a line as to how much you want God to be involved when it comes to your life. Christian spirituality encroaches (in a good way) upon every area of your life. The moment I chose to follow Him, I opened all doors to Him (I didn’t realize that at the time but like that makes a difference). But I digress.
Anyway, if the physical is any pointer to what’s happening in the spiritual (which I think it is), the I am in big trouble. My major exam results are to die for and by that I mean “They’re so low, I’d like to kill myself.” I get headaches every afternoon. I forget the simplest things. I find that I get tired so easily. I have to zest to do anything. I am way behind on my academic workload. I am cranky, irritable and have been throwing tantrums at the same rate that McDonalds serves it’s customers (every 60 seconds).
So, I’ve been dying for someone to talk to, someone who will listen and even scold me if that’s what she/he is led to do.
Unfortunately, me and The Goddess may have hit another rough spot. Again, 90% of the problem can be blamed on me. More on that some other time. Ugh. Anyway, there’s this all too familiar invisible curtain up in the middle of us (again) so that means, I have no one to talk to.
My spiritual mentor lives two rides away from the campus and I hate texting, so the only time I can talk to her is our Bible studies and at the Sunset Service.
I miss my two other “sisters”. Joy and Jazz, guys, when can we hang out again?
Well, the good thing about all this is that me and God are getting together a lot more. It’s humbling and incredibly heartbreaking to come before Him expecting anger only to find kindness and forgiveness. Truly, it’s this very thing that leads us to repentance. And with a whole bunch of stuff that has to be dealt with, I’m oddly thankful for this time of loneliness and helplessness.
For starters, I am feeling incredibly alone. I was so desperate for someone to talk to this morning that I practically hounded Ate Jojee until she was whisked away by a Philcoa jeep. For those of you who don’t know, Ate Jojee is my super-gentle, very tough and incredibly patient discipler. Anyway, who better than to follow around like a sad puppy (which is very me right now) than her? If you’ve read my last two posts (Aug 4 and 5), you’d think all is not well in my spiritual life. That’s true. And when your relationship with God goes through these troughs (as in waves), practically everything else in your life is screwed.
This reminds me of the main reason I stopped updating “Life Under Grace”. At first, I thought I’d post the Christian stuff on Life and all the rest on the Porch. But it turned out to be a silly thing. I could hardly tell where to post a certain entry. You can’t draw a line as to how much you want God to be involved when it comes to your life. Christian spirituality encroaches (in a good way) upon every area of your life. The moment I chose to follow Him, I opened all doors to Him (I didn’t realize that at the time but like that makes a difference). But I digress.
Anyway, if the physical is any pointer to what’s happening in the spiritual (which I think it is), the I am in big trouble. My major exam results are to die for and by that I mean “They’re so low, I’d like to kill myself.” I get headaches every afternoon. I forget the simplest things. I find that I get tired so easily. I have to zest to do anything. I am way behind on my academic workload. I am cranky, irritable and have been throwing tantrums at the same rate that McDonalds serves it’s customers (every 60 seconds).
So, I’ve been dying for someone to talk to, someone who will listen and even scold me if that’s what she/he is led to do.
Unfortunately, me and The Goddess may have hit another rough spot. Again, 90% of the problem can be blamed on me. More on that some other time. Ugh. Anyway, there’s this all too familiar invisible curtain up in the middle of us (again) so that means, I have no one to talk to.
My spiritual mentor lives two rides away from the campus and I hate texting, so the only time I can talk to her is our Bible studies and at the Sunset Service.
I miss my two other “sisters”. Joy and Jazz, guys, when can we hang out again?
Well, the good thing about all this is that me and God are getting together a lot more. It’s humbling and incredibly heartbreaking to come before Him expecting anger only to find kindness and forgiveness. Truly, it’s this very thing that leads us to repentance. And with a whole bunch of stuff that has to be dealt with, I’m oddly thankful for this time of loneliness and helplessness.
Written August 5: Misgivings
A friend of mine wanted to join the ballet class I am going to attend. This intention was mentioned in the midst of stretching exercises, the stretching being the reason P wants to go.
Hey, I was excited and all at first. It’s nice to do something you’re passionate about with a friend. Not to mention the significant amount of money I get to save because I get to split the tricycle fare with someone. I could very well buy another pair of much-needed tights after a month or so with the saved up fare.
But something in me sort of snapped. Ballet is something I really love. My time in that studio is something that means a lot to me and when I leave it, I must deal with a deep sense of loneliness and loss. For anyone to “handle” something I consider beautiful callously in my eyes (or ears) evokes a strange and yet potent indignation. So potent in fact, that I didn’t handle it too well.
That night, I lay on my bed trying to manage the words I plugged up. I wanted to say that ballet is something beautiful. It’s about strength and it’s about grace. I wanted to tell TG that almost every class, there’s a chance that you could get discouraged---when you can’t execute a movement, when you can’t do 10 abdominal exercises and the teacher won’t let you move on until you finish, when everyone else is gliding over the floor and you are moving more like mop than a swing, when your teacher halts the entire class, makes you do a step and makes the other point out what you’re doing wrong. But you don’t give up on account of that or on the account of a lot of that. Because it isn’t what you can and cannot do. Sooner or later, you’ll get there anyway. It’s about loving what you’re doing, enjoying it and savoring it. And the stretching part is little more than 15 minutes and we don’t do that every class. What is TG going to do for the rest of the time? I wanted to say that one should think it through. You can’t decide on a whim. Why are you going? Is it just the stretching? There’s so much more than that. And that more is something you should take into consideration. You don’t like watching ballet or even lyrical dance. You say it’s boring. Why, why this then?
I kept quiet for the days that followed. I sensed that P would not take it in a good way if I said all I wanted to say. But the night we were to attend our first class together, I blurted it out.
And here we are now. Sigh. I felt better after having said all that. I don’t like the fact that it didn’t affect P the way I wanted it to. I hate to think that I may have blasted someone’s self-esteem to pieces. And it’s sad that P doesn’t want to go anymore for the wrong reasons. Perhaps, I am wrong. That’s always a huge possibility based on my track record in these matters. Unfortunately, I don’t want to say sorry. I may be cruel in treating that speech as a test of will. I may cover it up in good intentions of saving her the depression, or the misery or the self-loathing but those are really secondary to that fact that I found myself offended and I snapped.
I’m open to rebukes though. I’d love to be right, just this once, but what is wrong is wrong. It’ll take a while before I can give my sincere apologies though. God help me.
Hey, I was excited and all at first. It’s nice to do something you’re passionate about with a friend. Not to mention the significant amount of money I get to save because I get to split the tricycle fare with someone. I could very well buy another pair of much-needed tights after a month or so with the saved up fare.
But something in me sort of snapped. Ballet is something I really love. My time in that studio is something that means a lot to me and when I leave it, I must deal with a deep sense of loneliness and loss. For anyone to “handle” something I consider beautiful callously in my eyes (or ears) evokes a strange and yet potent indignation. So potent in fact, that I didn’t handle it too well.
That night, I lay on my bed trying to manage the words I plugged up. I wanted to say that ballet is something beautiful. It’s about strength and it’s about grace. I wanted to tell TG that almost every class, there’s a chance that you could get discouraged---when you can’t execute a movement, when you can’t do 10 abdominal exercises and the teacher won’t let you move on until you finish, when everyone else is gliding over the floor and you are moving more like mop than a swing, when your teacher halts the entire class, makes you do a step and makes the other point out what you’re doing wrong. But you don’t give up on account of that or on the account of a lot of that. Because it isn’t what you can and cannot do. Sooner or later, you’ll get there anyway. It’s about loving what you’re doing, enjoying it and savoring it. And the stretching part is little more than 15 minutes and we don’t do that every class. What is TG going to do for the rest of the time? I wanted to say that one should think it through. You can’t decide on a whim. Why are you going? Is it just the stretching? There’s so much more than that. And that more is something you should take into consideration. You don’t like watching ballet or even lyrical dance. You say it’s boring. Why, why this then?
I kept quiet for the days that followed. I sensed that P would not take it in a good way if I said all I wanted to say. But the night we were to attend our first class together, I blurted it out.
And here we are now. Sigh. I felt better after having said all that. I don’t like the fact that it didn’t affect P the way I wanted it to. I hate to think that I may have blasted someone’s self-esteem to pieces. And it’s sad that P doesn’t want to go anymore for the wrong reasons. Perhaps, I am wrong. That’s always a huge possibility based on my track record in these matters. Unfortunately, I don’t want to say sorry. I may be cruel in treating that speech as a test of will. I may cover it up in good intentions of saving her the depression, or the misery or the self-loathing but those are really secondary to that fact that I found myself offended and I snapped.
I’m open to rebukes though. I’d love to be right, just this once, but what is wrong is wrong. It’ll take a while before I can give my sincere apologies though. God help me.
Written August 4: All I Want to Do is Dance...
Yesterday, DCF held an evangelistic night. Sorry to say the highlight of my night was when I met Ate Hazel Ramos, former Ilang Chairperson and leader of the Alab Yahweh Worship Dance Ministry. They danced Josh Groban’s and Charlotte Church’s “The Prayer” and me, Roxanne and the rest of the DCFers present at the Missions GA last year just had to smile.
What a coincidence (or was it). ICF has a lot of dance freaks. The ladies love street dance and jazz. I love lyrical dance and ballet. We danced “The Prayer” last year too. The Alab Yahweh ladies did a better job though. :) Wow, ICF has a heritage of dance!
I spent most of the GA in an excited conversation with Ate Hazel. We talked about how we found our love of dancing, what we learned from schools (she went to Halili-Cruz) and what to do with our love for movement. Ate Hazel talked about worshipping God in movement, how choreographing a piece took her ages of waiting on the Lord for inspiration and direction, how Alab Yahweh started and how it was important to keep oneself pure in relation to being a dancer. God used her a lot to encourage me in the dance ministry (that has yet to take shape).
I got introduced to two other members too. Let’s call them the Twins for now. I forgot their names, I’m so bad at names (shadow of Alzheimer’s?). They were such an encouragement too.
I’ve been praying for God to send someone who can disciple me in dance, worship and God. The answer arrived five months later but I can’t tell you guys how great His timing is. Not just because the Cantata is still some way off and we have lots of time. Meeting the Alab Yahweh members turned my life around just at a point where I was getting way of track spiritually speaking. God’s lovely divine appointments. [Smiles and shakes head in suppressed laughter]
The talk made me think about worship too. I seem to know so little of something I am called to do in everything I do.
What a coincidence (or was it). ICF has a lot of dance freaks. The ladies love street dance and jazz. I love lyrical dance and ballet. We danced “The Prayer” last year too. The Alab Yahweh ladies did a better job though. :) Wow, ICF has a heritage of dance!
I spent most of the GA in an excited conversation with Ate Hazel. We talked about how we found our love of dancing, what we learned from schools (she went to Halili-Cruz) and what to do with our love for movement. Ate Hazel talked about worshipping God in movement, how choreographing a piece took her ages of waiting on the Lord for inspiration and direction, how Alab Yahweh started and how it was important to keep oneself pure in relation to being a dancer. God used her a lot to encourage me in the dance ministry (that has yet to take shape).
I got introduced to two other members too. Let’s call them the Twins for now. I forgot their names, I’m so bad at names (shadow of Alzheimer’s?). They were such an encouragement too.
I’ve been praying for God to send someone who can disciple me in dance, worship and God. The answer arrived five months later but I can’t tell you guys how great His timing is. Not just because the Cantata is still some way off and we have lots of time. Meeting the Alab Yahweh members turned my life around just at a point where I was getting way of track spiritually speaking. God’s lovely divine appointments. [Smiles and shakes head in suppressed laughter]
The talk made me think about worship too. I seem to know so little of something I am called to do in everything I do.
August 05, 2005
"Hourglass" ideas in the early hours
[note time of post]
Life is like an hourglass stuck on the table, the moments trickling steadily. We measure the flow in the manner we choose ourselves--- in office hours, in semesters and classes, in wrinkles, in candles. There will be no inversion, no falling back of moments that are the grains of your life. There is no filter to sift times you can let go off and times you want to “re-process”. One can only so much as grasp the opportunities and joy and love that come by and live them while they're there.
I think it’s hard to stay at that slender portion of this hourglass. At times, I dwell on the lower cone, wallowing in self-pity, regret and anger. Some times, I move upwards and find myself too utterly fixed on what may come that I shrug off today’s concerns like the dandruff on my shoulder. Lower or upper, it’s unsafe territory. I find I have to strike the balance between being expectant and hopeful and appreciating what has come to pass. Else, my present clogs up with more moments to regret when I find myself in the lower cone and less moments to look forward to in the upper.
Whimsical, I am. Perhaps a temporary condition induced by strong green tea, rain and a large zit.
Forgive the shallowness.
Life is like an hourglass stuck on the table, the moments trickling steadily. We measure the flow in the manner we choose ourselves--- in office hours, in semesters and classes, in wrinkles, in candles. There will be no inversion, no falling back of moments that are the grains of your life. There is no filter to sift times you can let go off and times you want to “re-process”. One can only so much as grasp the opportunities and joy and love that come by and live them while they're there.
I think it’s hard to stay at that slender portion of this hourglass. At times, I dwell on the lower cone, wallowing in self-pity, regret and anger. Some times, I move upwards and find myself too utterly fixed on what may come that I shrug off today’s concerns like the dandruff on my shoulder. Lower or upper, it’s unsafe territory. I find I have to strike the balance between being expectant and hopeful and appreciating what has come to pass. Else, my present clogs up with more moments to regret when I find myself in the lower cone and less moments to look forward to in the upper.
Whimsical, I am. Perhaps a temporary condition induced by strong green tea, rain and a large zit.
Forgive the shallowness.
August 04, 2005
His porch
It's so easy to take You for granted. Maybe because You've promised to be there all the time. Maybe because I don't see you. You sure do speak up though. Your voice turns up in everything. Which shouldn't be any wonder now, should it? You created everything after all.
So has it been a month? I'm almost timid. I feel like an intruder stalking your hotel room. But that's silly. You know all my thoughts. Actually, the scenario is more like You standing in the door frame, looking at me and waiting for this poor, broken daughter of yours to step inside. We look insane. No actually, I look insane.
God? I've missed You. Um, lots has been going on. [Shoves hands into pockets and examines carpet fibers] Most of the things I've done, I shouldn't have. I knew that before I did them. I can't forget that fact no matter what I do. I'm sure You know all about that.
Lord, it's terrible. This shame, this guilt.
Yes, I'm proud. I would love to show up Your doorstep, knock and feel so at ease because my "affairs" are in order. But I'm a sinner at every turn. And I am in desperate need of Your mercy and grace at each of those turns.
Just around the corner from Your place I stood under a streetlight. I believe that was the first time in a lot of days that Your light streamed on me:
"Does their unfaithfulness nullify the faithfulness of God? By no means! For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus...Blessed are those whose lawless deeds are forgiven, and whose sins are covered, blessed is the man against whom the LORD will not count his sin...Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!...There is therefore no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus..."
And on and on.
I didn't want to walk into it at first, it's sooo uncomfortable. And yet so warm. So true. So pretty. And familiar.
So I'm here, dripping and muddying Your lovely landing God. I'm sorry.
"Her sins, which are many, are forgiven...Go in peace."
So has it been a month? I'm almost timid. I feel like an intruder stalking your hotel room. But that's silly. You know all my thoughts. Actually, the scenario is more like You standing in the door frame, looking at me and waiting for this poor, broken daughter of yours to step inside. We look insane. No actually, I look insane.
God? I've missed You. Um, lots has been going on. [Shoves hands into pockets and examines carpet fibers] Most of the things I've done, I shouldn't have. I knew that before I did them. I can't forget that fact no matter what I do. I'm sure You know all about that.
Lord, it's terrible. This shame, this guilt.
Yes, I'm proud. I would love to show up Your doorstep, knock and feel so at ease because my "affairs" are in order. But I'm a sinner at every turn. And I am in desperate need of Your mercy and grace at each of those turns.
Just around the corner from Your place I stood under a streetlight. I believe that was the first time in a lot of days that Your light streamed on me:
"Does their unfaithfulness nullify the faithfulness of God? By no means! For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus...Blessed are those whose lawless deeds are forgiven, and whose sins are covered, blessed is the man against whom the LORD will not count his sin...Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!...There is therefore no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus..."
And on and on.
I didn't want to walk into it at first, it's sooo uncomfortable. And yet so warm. So true. So pretty. And familiar.
So I'm here, dripping and muddying Your lovely landing God. I'm sorry.
"Her sins, which are many, are forgiven...Go in peace."
August 03, 2005
An Attempt
Ehem...
Scratches head. Discovers that dandruff is back.
One finds herself feeling slightly overwhelmed by the all the "blog-deprivation" one put herself through in order to manage affairs of another realm.
I actually can't pick anything to write.
Wirklich?
Ja, leider.
Everything must have gone into my German 10 finals this afternoon. Humph.
Sticks tongue out at laptop.
Thinks "I am so immature."
Stomps off to do laundry. Perhaps more lucid thoughts will surface among the bubbles.
Scratches head. Discovers that dandruff is back.
One finds herself feeling slightly overwhelmed by the all the "blog-deprivation" one put herself through in order to manage affairs of another realm.
I actually can't pick anything to write.
Wirklich?
Ja, leider.
Everything must have gone into my German 10 finals this afternoon. Humph.
Sticks tongue out at laptop.
Thinks "I am so immature."
Stomps off to do laundry. Perhaps more lucid thoughts will surface among the bubbles.
July 21, 2005
Fingerprints on a Dusty Shelf
I’ve had a lot of ideas floating around in my head and I’ve been meaning to really sit down and write about them, giving each the right amount of attention. Unfortunately, one must bow to the time constraints in one’s life. So right off the top of my head, in a sheer attempt to preserve if but just bits of them, like fingerprints on a dusty shelf:
- Last Tuesday, we had Tots Guillermo (one of the best saxophone and jazz artists of our country) play for us. He has been learning the shakahachi, a Japanese variation of the flute. He played us a piece called the “Mating of the Cranes”. We all noticed the silences between notes. I dismissed it thinking that the music was really that slow. But Sir Tots later explained that those silences meant something. The Japanese call it the ma or the universe speaking. Silence is a part of the music and is filled with meaning. One Japanese musician took out his koto and strummed his fingers over it but never touching it, and therefore no note was played. This whole thing happened at a concert. Western music is some what terrified of silences. We may have breaks here and there but never the long, drawn out quiet of Japanese music. It brings to mind the verse “Be still and know that I am God.”
- In my excitement in writing the previous post, I neglected to mention that my cousins from Singapore are here. They’re in the province right now. The Flores family will be staying here in the Philies until Sunday and on Saturday we will be doing something like “Before Sunrise”. I have an exam from 1-5pm so I’ll only be able meet them after that. Omar has an exam also so he’ll be catching a bus from Baguio to Manila around 4pm. So I guess we’ll be staying up on Saturday night just so we can all spend time together.
- I might be going back to ballet class after all. Might. Am still praying for it and for the needed funding. If anyone can spare P1,600 (about $30) a month, here’s one lady who would love to be a recipient of your generosity. :) Really now, if you know a somebody who needs private tutoring, do let me know. Thanks!
- I have this programming subject this semester (Stat 124) and it’s nasty. I hate all these flowcharts and pseudocodes. I am so thankful that I told my mom I didn’t want to major in Computer Science, a course that was in demand at the time of my high school graduation. This is the [stupid] exam that is going to steal me away for four hours from the family reunion on Saturday.
- So Noli De Castro has [finally] spoken. He’s still on GMA’s side and said that it was premature to withdraw support from the President. I got to owe it to the guy, he’s been wise in his movements during these times.
- Do you know that Canada legalized gay marriage? Hope to write more on this in the distant future.
- Yesterday, I took my Stat 131 (Parametric Inferential Statistics) first exam. I can only say that the there is a 90% probability that I will get an utterly low score and that I am taking that kind of result very hard. Imagine me knocking head on wall repeatedly. It wouldn’t be too far from the truth.
- Still not down on my splits but there has been a tiny improvement. One must celebrate tiny victories.
- I just want to explain the Pillow Book section in the sidebar. I’ve been reading Liza Dalby’s The Tale of Murasaki and learning some more interesting stuff about ancient Japan. A pillow book is what ladies called any book or notebook they slept beside. They would sleep next to them so that if they ever got some inspiration to write a waka (precursor of the haiku), they could just roll over, grab their brushes and write. In my case though, I read.
- I’ve been hearing much griping over the latest installment of Harry Potter. Does anyone have a precious copy that I can borrow so I can gripe along with the rest of the world?
- Oh, I got a copy of "Sex and the Supremacy of Christ" in my e-mail inbox. I've read through the introduction and I'm hooked. I'll be doing a review on it sometime soon so stay around for that, please.
July 18, 2005
Perfect Endorsement & Endorser for Soap
It is established theory(?) that when a person is faced with the possible loss of her possessions, whatever she takes when she flees are those things she thinks most valuable.
Until last night, my practice in this sort of thing was limited to online quizzes or to group discussions where the question “If you could bring just five items in an emergency, what would you grab on your way out?” Other than that, nada. But I do have this bizarre habit of “surveying” a place and planning escape routes in case of emergencies.
Moving on, around midnight last night (1), a loud, rather dull pop was heard. We all thought it was some piece of furniture that fell over. No one stirred in our room. Nellie continued studying and the three of us lay prostate on our beds (2).
It began getting noisy in the hallways. Ladies were running around and chattering. Then we heard screams. By then, me and Gillian sat up and wondered what all the commotion was about. The three of us gazed out the window to see residents of the houses at behind the dorm scurrying around, shouting and carrying their belongings. We joined the rest of the ladies out in the corridor to investigate. We were told that a fire had broken out in the residential area right next to us and there had been a gas explosion. We were told to switch off all electrical appliances, get out valuables and evacuate our rooms.
So we woke up Apple (who thought we were playing some joke on her) and grabbed bags for our “valuables”. We gathered in the lobby as fire trucks tore screaming past us. We were rather calm, only panicking when we couldn’t find Apple in the lobby. I texted Mom, who was surprisingly calm about everything. (3) Tin and Giselle led us in prayer. After our “Amen” we were told that the fire had been contained and that it was safe to go back to our rooms. God does really quick jobs. :) (4)
This is the funny part. When we got back to the room, we shook out our bags to put our belongings back. Here is where we found out what each of us found most valuable.
Gillian: Cellphone, laptop, wallet, calculator
Apple: Cellphone, laptop, wallet, pillow
Nellie: Cellphone, laptop and charger, four wallets (she’s quite the entrepreneur), change of clothes
Kristina: Cellphone and charger, laptop and charger, wallet, calculator, change of clothes, Bible, journal, Safeguard (an antibacterial soap no less)
They all broke out in a paroxysm when they saw the Safeguard bar tumble out of my bag: the proof of my overly fastidious efforts/concerns of cleanliness. Tatak OC.
A couple of observations:
None of us brought any of our academic books. Haha! However, calculators made it to Gillian's and my Most Important Stuff List. We actually went looking for them!
Gillian actually had to be ordered to bring her laptop. I guess she’s rich enough to leave it behind. Peace Gillian!
Apple gazed at her shelf for some time trying to decide what to bring.
I managed to grab the handbag I used during a family excursion earlier yesterday and the handbag contained make-up, several packets of food, an umbrella, a novel (The Tale of Murasaki). Hehe, I looked like quite the girl scout when the others saw all this. I had to wait for the laughter to die down to explain myself.
Nellie was the calmest of us all and the most worried when we couldn’t find Apple. Dami wallet Nellie, dami talaga. Yaman mo na ah. :)
Leaders emerge during these times. Very good leaders.
Lesson learned (and I quote Miriam here):
Until last night, my practice in this sort of thing was limited to online quizzes or to group discussions where the question “If you could bring just five items in an emergency, what would you grab on your way out?” Other than that, nada. But I do have this bizarre habit of “surveying” a place and planning escape routes in case of emergencies.
Moving on, around midnight last night (1), a loud, rather dull pop was heard. We all thought it was some piece of furniture that fell over. No one stirred in our room. Nellie continued studying and the three of us lay prostate on our beds (2).
It began getting noisy in the hallways. Ladies were running around and chattering. Then we heard screams. By then, me and Gillian sat up and wondered what all the commotion was about. The three of us gazed out the window to see residents of the houses at behind the dorm scurrying around, shouting and carrying their belongings. We joined the rest of the ladies out in the corridor to investigate. We were told that a fire had broken out in the residential area right next to us and there had been a gas explosion. We were told to switch off all electrical appliances, get out valuables and evacuate our rooms.
So we woke up Apple (who thought we were playing some joke on her) and grabbed bags for our “valuables”. We gathered in the lobby as fire trucks tore screaming past us. We were rather calm, only panicking when we couldn’t find Apple in the lobby. I texted Mom, who was surprisingly calm about everything. (3) Tin and Giselle led us in prayer. After our “Amen” we were told that the fire had been contained and that it was safe to go back to our rooms. God does really quick jobs. :) (4)
This is the funny part. When we got back to the room, we shook out our bags to put our belongings back. Here is where we found out what each of us found most valuable.
Gillian: Cellphone, laptop, wallet, calculator
Apple: Cellphone, laptop, wallet, pillow
Nellie: Cellphone, laptop and charger, four wallets (she’s quite the entrepreneur), change of clothes
Kristina: Cellphone and charger, laptop and charger, wallet, calculator, change of clothes, Bible, journal, Safeguard (an antibacterial soap no less)
They all broke out in a paroxysm when they saw the Safeguard bar tumble out of my bag: the proof of my overly fastidious efforts/concerns of cleanliness. Tatak OC.
A couple of observations:
None of us brought any of our academic books. Haha! However, calculators made it to Gillian's and my Most Important Stuff List. We actually went looking for them!
Gillian actually had to be ordered to bring her laptop. I guess she’s rich enough to leave it behind. Peace Gillian!
Apple gazed at her shelf for some time trying to decide what to bring.
I managed to grab the handbag I used during a family excursion earlier yesterday and the handbag contained make-up, several packets of food, an umbrella, a novel (The Tale of Murasaki). Hehe, I looked like quite the girl scout when the others saw all this. I had to wait for the laughter to die down to explain myself.
Nellie was the calmest of us all and the most worried when we couldn’t find Apple. Dami wallet Nellie, dami talaga. Yaman mo na ah. :)
Leaders emerge during these times. Very good leaders.
Lesson learned (and I quote Miriam here):
Kapag may sunog, gayahin natin si Ate Krissy: Magdala ng Safeguard!
[When there's a fire, follow Ate Krissy: Bring Safeguard!]
PS. Just to explain how the Safeguard ended up in my bag: I turned to grab my Bible and journal on my shelf and I saw the Safeguard right next to them so I grabbed it as well. Cleanliness is indeed next to godliness. A whole new perspective on the quote, huh?
Footnotes:
(1) Someone tell me why I feel like there is something wrong in this sentence.
(2) As usual. This ought to tell you who among us four is graduating with honors. ;)
(2) As usual. This ought to tell you who among us four is graduating with honors. ;)
(3) Carlo also texted to ask how we were. Thanks for your prayers!
(4) Some people lost their homes last night. I don't know if there were any casualties. If you would like to help, please bring clothes/money/your help to Ilang. There are boxes at the entrance where you can place them. Please also include them in your prayers.
July 15, 2005
In the shower and out of this world
I finally found something to use as a barre. (Yippee?)
I did some of my stretching today in one of the bath cubicles here in the dorm. As it turns out, the soap dish holder (what are you really supposed to call them anyway?) is installed as high as my ribs, which is the ideal height for barres. I have come to a point where the bars around the dorm halls (which are as high as my hips) are too low and I can no longer feel a stretch. And so this is an improvement of sorts. If I remember anything from my three month stint in ballet, it’s my ballet mistress urging us to push ourselves a little bit more than the last time so that slowly but steadily, you’d raise your legs higher or split lower.
So it’s the shower cubicle now. The small space limits the stretches I can do but it’s a start.
I find myself almost driven to a distraction by my, shall we say, dance urges. I slip away in class when a ballet suddenly shows up in my mind. When I’m walking around the campus, I find myself spotting steps with my hands, sometimes even with my feet.
I think the daydreams and the dancing in the middle of parking lots are tolerable. What’s difficult for me is the hollow ache. I really want to go back to ballet classes but it’s not a likely event. At times, it almost seems tangible, this desire and the pain of dissatisfaction. I have to dance/stretch/walk it off.
Look, I’m not aspiring to professional dance. I don’t think I have natural talent or grace.
There’s just something about dancing. You train yourself for, say, four weeks or more. You get embarrassed (I'm such a slow learner), you cry, you get so exhausted. You sometimes waddle ala Bridget Jones to classes because your legs are just so sore (the stairs at CAL and AS are particularly agonizing). And all that culminates in a five minute routine. But in that span of time, you fly. You forget about the past four weeks or so, the exhaustion, the embarrassment, the tears. You forget about whoever’s watching you or what they might say. You forget about why you’re even there, doing it. The world is suddenly simplified into just three things: yourself, the music and this amazing, sudden rush of life.
I may be getting overly dramatic here, in the vain effort to concretize my emotions and thoughts. But that, ladies and gentlemen, is the whole truth, nothing but the truth of everything I feel and think right now.
Is this the price for passion?
July 14, 2005
Deep breath in, deep breath out
1. I took my German 10 midterms today. It wasn't so bad. I messed up on the gender of a couple of nouns and on the conjugation of some difficult verbs, but other than that, it was somewhat painless. My thanks to all those who prayed and to my roommates who suffered through my whines last night when I freaked out. Thank You for the wisdom.
2. I have my a problem set to do for my Statistics 131 and I have to get ready for another exam in my Statistics 124 on Saturday. Your prayers will be much appreciated.
3. If you'd have seen me an hour ago, I'd be walking aimlessly. I spent some time trying to figure out how to get back into my ballet class. I could try not eating on weekends so I can pay for my tuition... But, duh, right? So I am now considering that private tutor thing or renting out VCDs/DVDs. But it'll take ages to get the amount to pay for my classes. Not to mention the fare going to the school, the new tights I need (the old ones have runs in them!) and, in the distant future, the pointe shoes and all that they need (i.e. ribbon, elastic, toe pads...). Sigh. Am feeling a little discouraged. I wonder how much classes are at Halili-Cruz... Are they cheaper there kaya?
4. Countdown to seeing the much-missed Flores family: 2 days. I can survive two days more...I think.
5. Jevovah Tsid'kenu: The LORD is my Righteousness. It's been running through my mind the whole day. How totally freeing to finally accept that I can not give anything to God.
2. I have my a problem set to do for my Statistics 131 and I have to get ready for another exam in my Statistics 124 on Saturday. Your prayers will be much appreciated.
3. If you'd have seen me an hour ago, I'd be walking aimlessly. I spent some time trying to figure out how to get back into my ballet class. I could try not eating on weekends so I can pay for my tuition... But, duh, right? So I am now considering that private tutor thing or renting out VCDs/DVDs. But it'll take ages to get the amount to pay for my classes. Not to mention the fare going to the school, the new tights I need (the old ones have runs in them!) and, in the distant future, the pointe shoes and all that they need (i.e. ribbon, elastic, toe pads...). Sigh. Am feeling a little discouraged. I wonder how much classes are at Halili-Cruz... Are they cheaper there kaya?
4. Countdown to seeing the much-missed Flores family: 2 days. I can survive two days more...I think.
5. Jevovah Tsid'kenu: The LORD is my Righteousness. It's been running through my mind the whole day. How totally freeing to finally accept that I can not give anything to God.
July 13, 2005
About that cool pic of me on the right...
My cousin Cris fixed it up for me. :) He's really good at these things. Check out http://redforblood.deviantart.com/gallery/ Do leave comments on his art. He loves getting them. :)
I just gave him a photo of mine and about a week later here's what he came up with. Kinda dark, I know, but it's cool don't you think? Never thought I could give out this kind of feel, this gothic, anime, eclavu... It rocks!
Thanks Cris!
I just gave him a photo of mine and about a week later here's what he came up with. Kinda dark, I know, but it's cool don't you think? Never thought I could give out this kind of feel, this gothic, anime, eclavu... It rocks!
Thanks Cris!
Before:
After:
July 08, 2005
What a horrific, terrible, um...
Oh Lord, now it's London...
The cabinet members have resigned...
We just filed a complaint re. our "living conditions"...
*Screams*
All I can do at the moment: "Lord, have mercy on us...."
The cabinet members have resigned...
We just filed a complaint re. our "living conditions"...
*Screams*
All I can do at the moment: "Lord, have mercy on us...."
July 06, 2005
I...need...some...thing...maybe
You'd think I'd be contented when I chose to follow Christ. Isn't there that "market line" for Christianity that God is everything you need (which is Biblical)? But even now, going four years, I constantly feel like there is something missing. I constantly feel empty or un-whole. I keep seeking for some magical plug to push into this hole that hasn't disappeared.
Pastor Caloy (Kuya Caloy), in one of his many letters he sent me, wrote: Kristina, I pray that you would find His grace sufficient for you.
Until now, I can't forget that. I keep going back to that verse and remembering Kuya Caloy's prayer for me. God is basically telling me that He is my everything. He is all I need. He can satisfy my every need and desire. From time to time, I don't believe that He IS my everything. I am brought back to the truth of it by the smallest incidents. One time, when I was pining especially hard for a guy, for marriage, I saw this local celebrity (a Christian) talk about how even in his relationship with his wife and family, he wasn't fulfilled. There was this part of him that even in this most intimate of relationships wasn't touched. It was like God telling me that even in marriage, I'd still have this annoying hole of need.
And so, in all things, I live with the truth that the Lord, my Master, is also my Bestfriend, my Lover, my Father, my everything. There may be things He choses not to give me and in those miserable times, still He will suffice. So if this nagging search instinct in me helps me land on His step everytime, well then, welcome my friend.
P.S. Angelina Jolie adopted another child, this time from Ethiopia. The woman is truly fascinating. I like her a lot.
Pastor Caloy (Kuya Caloy), in one of his many letters he sent me, wrote: Kristina, I pray that you would find His grace sufficient for you.
Until now, I can't forget that. I keep going back to that verse and remembering Kuya Caloy's prayer for me. God is basically telling me that He is my everything. He is all I need. He can satisfy my every need and desire. From time to time, I don't believe that He IS my everything. I am brought back to the truth of it by the smallest incidents. One time, when I was pining especially hard for a guy, for marriage, I saw this local celebrity (a Christian) talk about how even in his relationship with his wife and family, he wasn't fulfilled. There was this part of him that even in this most intimate of relationships wasn't touched. It was like God telling me that even in marriage, I'd still have this annoying hole of need.
And so, in all things, I live with the truth that the Lord, my Master, is also my Bestfriend, my Lover, my Father, my everything. There may be things He choses not to give me and in those miserable times, still He will suffice. So if this nagging search instinct in me helps me land on His step everytime, well then, welcome my friend.
P.S. Angelina Jolie adopted another child, this time from Ethiopia. The woman is truly fascinating. I like her a lot.
Honestly...
...nothings happening in this walk with God. Really. Now don't roll your eyes like that. I'm wandering about that too. About how I can speak at ICF, how I can disciple people and how much spirituality I sprout at random moments through my mouth when here I am saying nothings happening.
Really, all that's outside stuff. It terrifies me how I can lead a Bible study when I'm in this state. There's a certain confidence that a person has when she's in sync with God. Something like, nothing can go wrong, or something might, but it'll be okay because the Lord is with me. When you're not in tune like that, it's terrible. Every insecurity and doubt and fear rears its ugly head and there's no one to hold you close, reassure you and basically give you a spine.
Try this out. Compare Kristina circa 2001 and Kristina today and I don't come up with much of an inner difference. I may know more but I certainly am not more loving/sensitive/compassionate/thoughtful. Am I becoming more like Christ or just another scribe who knows the scrolls and I'm missing on the real thing?
Well, I could always chalk it up to my mediocre personal Bible study/prayer time/meditation. Yeah, perhaps it's that.
Okay now, it's late. I should go do that now.
Really, all that's outside stuff. It terrifies me how I can lead a Bible study when I'm in this state. There's a certain confidence that a person has when she's in sync with God. Something like, nothing can go wrong, or something might, but it'll be okay because the Lord is with me. When you're not in tune like that, it's terrible. Every insecurity and doubt and fear rears its ugly head and there's no one to hold you close, reassure you and basically give you a spine.
Try this out. Compare Kristina circa 2001 and Kristina today and I don't come up with much of an inner difference. I may know more but I certainly am not more loving/sensitive/compassionate/thoughtful. Am I becoming more like Christ or just another scribe who knows the scrolls and I'm missing on the real thing?
Well, I could always chalk it up to my mediocre personal Bible study/prayer time/meditation. Yeah, perhaps it's that.
Okay now, it's late. I should go do that now.
July 05, 2005
Apparently...
1) Pedestrian lanes don’t exist in the Philippines. I mean, they’re there sure but few “get” the idea. You see pedestrians crossing at random points. I suggest sitting down in a place where you have a good view of a busy street and observe. You’ll find out how adventurous some of my countrymen can get. And drivers seem to read ‘Rules” as “Suggestions”. I’ve tried crossing the street using a pedestrian lane and apparently, the vehicles won’t even slow down. It’s really lovely. There are two reasons I persist in crossing at (on? over? what gives?) pedestrian lanes: It’s the right thing to do and in case I get run over, my family may just have a good argument to present in court or whoever the authority is around here. And poor foreigners and tourists who think pedestrian lanes work in these islands. My German professor who got here in March nearly got run over today. He didn’t know about this thing. Poor guy was shocked.
2) My phone is in some sort of coma. Most of the time it won’t respond to my finger’s efforts. But, there are these rather grand times when it wakes up and discovers that, oooh, someone’s pressing my keypad and a letter “A” should be up on my LCD. Today’s a good day. My phone’s awake and I’ve been able to communicate. Although, it does space out a bit i.e. the space won’t work or it just dies on me only to vibrate on again. Is it acting up because it know that its replacement is on the way?
3) The typhoon that’s blazing(?) its way across Luzon swerved clear of Quezon City so classes weren’t suspended today. God is making it quite clear to me that there is no escape from my classes. I hear You Father, I hear You good.
4) A lot of people are asking me what I think about what’s going on in our islands. I hate to break it to you people but I’m not that “deep”. Honest. I haven’t really given the thing serious study and thought but so far, in all ignorance and annoyance, this is what I think: Okay, GMA. Nice going Madam. I’d want you to resign or something because I just can’t trust you anymore. But I don’t think our VP can hold that office just yet either. If you do get out of that office, there’s this entire mess of who’ll move into it. I think that move just destabilizes our nation more. And when you talk to any ordinary citizen trying to make ends meet in our poor country, they’re fed up of all this. So am I. So is everyone else, I think. You’d think this was all the buzz in our classrooms and dorm halls. But other than frowns, we let it drop. We want to move on. We’re too busy trying to figure out where to get the money to pay for our lodging, about our exams, about our tired parents who no longer care for this country and want their children to be out of it as soon as possible. Not a very critical and nationalistic opinion, I know. I regret to say that the possibility of me saying these words that my mother dreads to hear from me is getting smaller by the day: “Mom, I looove the Philippines. I believe it will get better. I want to stay here and serve our nation.” You may want to snob me the next time you see me. Trust me, I've suffered for my apparent lack of nationalism too much to bleed this time.
Note: I may be just a little too peeved.
July 04, 2005
The Porch recommends...
1. Derek Webb
If you are a Christian and haven’t heard this guy ever, you’re missing out on songs that go like this:
“its bonds shall never break
though earth’s old columns bow
the strong, the tempted, & the weak
are one in Jesus now”
“they'll know us by the t-shirts that we wear
“they'll know us by the t-shirts that we wear
they'll know us by the way we point and stare
at anyone whose sin looks worse than ours
who cannot hide the scars of this curse that we all bare
when love, love, love
when love, love, love
is what we should be known for
love, love, love
it’s the how and it’s the why we live and breathe and we die”
“don’t want the song i want a jingle
“don’t want the song i want a jingle
i love you Lord but don’t hear a single
and the truth is nearly impossible to rhyme”
” the truth is never sexy
” the truth is never sexy
so it’s not an easy sell
you can dress her like the culture but she’ll shock ‘em just as well
because she don’t need an apology for being who she is”
“i am my beloved's and my beloved’s mine
“i am my beloved's and my beloved’s mine
so you bring all your history
and i’ll bring the bread and wine
and we’ll have us a party where all the drinks are on me
and we’ll have us a party where all the drinks are on me
then as surely as the rising sun you will be set free”
2. Fruit MagicLocation: Next to G-Video, found on the street that’s between McDonalds and Shakeys in Katipunan.
If you love fresh fruit shakes and salads, here’s your place. It’s cheaper to study here than in Starbucks or Seattle’s. You can get a glass of blended fruit for as low as P45. My favourite is Blueberry Blast, a mixture of blueberries, banana and pineapple with milk and yogurt.
3. Not combing your hair when you’ve got wavy hair.
I haven’t dragged a comb through my wavy hair for two days already and what do you know, it’s actually all the better for it! It’s not frizzy, it doesn’t have unnecessary volume. Wrap in towel for ten minutes then finger dry. Working in some leave-on conditioner or mousse helps a lot. Shampoo AND condition. (Wow! me giving out his kind of advice?! Please take with a cup of caution.)
4. Neutrogena Body Washes
Wakes me up in the morning, doesn’t leave residue, gives me the squeaky clean without drying my skin out. Try the Herbal Wash in the morning and the vanilla one at night before bed.
5. Starbucks Rhumba
6. Limewire: No bundled software!!!
7. Desperate Housewives
8. Faber Castel mechanical pencils
9. Yahoo Mail: Wayyy more space
10. Spyware Doctor
Happy Birthday Auntie Pina!
July 02, 2005
On one of my sadder days...
"Forgiveness is the name of love practiced among people who love poorly. The hard truth is that all of us love poorly. We need to forgive and be forgiven every day, every hour --- unceasingly. That is the great work of love among the fellowship of the weak that is the human family."
I forgot the person who quoted this, but I never forgot her message.
I forgot the person who quoted this, but I never forgot her message.
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