Feeling Rather Accomplished

I fixed a leaking tap this afternoon with my bare hands! Well, not exactly. I used a wrench. I actually had to google tool names to find out what I used. Haha.

Basta! I fixed a tap!

Gray Area

I'm roughly 9 months into Malaysia life. I still don't have a job. That's such a gray area for me right now. Part of me wants a job because:

1. Extra money is extra money
2. I have a lot of free time on my hands as a housewife since there aren't any kids yet. Free time that I fill up with reading, cooking, chores, and some blogging. But I can restructure things to entertain an 8 hour job. There is definitely that space.
3. I really hate it when people ask "So what do you do all day? Don't you get bored?" Boredom is something you can escape from. I choose to keep myself occupied.
4. Related to Point #3, my self-esteem is somewhat in the dumps. There seems to be no pride to be had in my current situation. Mom will say "Bloom where you are planted" but the general aura I get is that I am such a waste of air.

Part of me can live with staying a housewife because:

1. We're making enough. Thank God.
2. It's heartwarming to hear the hubby when he says he likes it when he comes home to me. Maybe he means the food I cook not me. But I don't mind that either. That leads me to...
3. I enjoy trying to be a domestic goddess. Heaven knows I have not quite gotten the knack of cooking in under an hour or opening the fridge to get an idea of what to cook. I let the clothes pile grow huge before I tackle the ironing (but isn't that more economical?). The broom is still conspiring against me, I swear. But I am enjoying all this fiddling around.
4. I don't know how long before this housewife status turns into SAHM status.
5. I have tried applying to jobs outside of my previous industry. None of them have even invited me to an interview. Either I don't catch their eye with my qualifications or no one wants to hire me at the expense of a work visa/tariff.
6. I could apply to jobs more like the one I had before. There's an indication I might get a job more readily there. I just feel that if I go back to that, I will be in a bad place. I wasn't good at balancing it when I was single. I don't think that I will excel at that now. My overwhelming need to please people and get things out of the way now (now na!) coupled with my slow cooking spells disaster. 

Oh Lord, what to do?

Fresh Start

Just a couple of updates. I'm married now to the wonderful, handsome Carlo. I quit my job and moved to be with the hubby in Malaysia, a land of new spices and smells that my tongue and nose have yet to like. A 2-bedroom unit is home for now. We actually don't know what to do with all the space. Do come visit, you're very welcome. Just let us know when.

And so here I am. Nowadays, I write "Housewife" in blanks asking for occupation. I just googled substitutes for cornstarch as I don't have any to make tonight's dinner of tamarind glazed chicken. My husband worries I'm getting bored. I'm not. There's always something to do, ways to keep entertained.

And a photobook of our wedding pictures that I should have finished ages ago but cooking (it's more fun!) has gotten in the way.

Armed and fabulous

The only thing I want to trim for my wedding day is my arms. I can suck the tummy in. I love my hips but huge arms just don't work on a tube wedding dress.

I am almost at the point where I believe Self and Women's Health mags and all those exercise plans that promise I'll see results in 2 weeks.

Argh. Weights. Hate.

The Last Say

Carlo: I visited your porch today. The last post was on my birthday in 2009.
Krissy: Yeah, I microblog on FB instead

Who knows, maybe this year baby the last post is going to be:

Off to build their own porch
-- Mr and Mrs Lallana

25!!!

Welcome to 25 my dearest! I've been waiting for you for 29 days. Hahaha
I know it's going to be another great year ahead of you!

Happy birthday Carlo!
I love you so much!
Squeeze!

It has been 2 months. But it feels like 5. I think of the months to come and a solid vine of loneliness grips me.

I threw myself into family when they were around. That helped but it was still painful. I am too proud to let my mother see me cry but I was unable to hide during one of my sobfests in the US. Every word of comfort she said to me only made me cry harder.

Now it is more difficult. Family is far. I have thrown myself into work only to get sick. So I think now that God will not let me ignore my brokenness. I figured that the way to survive this time was to distract myself. But it seems as though He would have me face it head on.

A good friend told me that God is using this time to further mold me. I guess this fact is comforting only in the aftermath of it all, when Carlo is home again. Until then… my comfort is the hope that I might truly appreciate His word that He is close to the broken-hearted.

**I realize the fact that I am not broken-hearted in the usual sense of the word... Nonetheless, I think the words still apply to my current state of feeling like I am lost.

Pictures!

Pictures (and some quick notes) from my US trip can be viewed on my share site:

http://casummer2009.shutterfly.com/

How is your heart?

In need of repentance.

Bittersweet

It has been tough even with family around. I feel bad nga sometimes for being sad around family. I'm happy to hang out with them too (Selina the Baby is such fun to take care of!) but I can't deny there's someone missing. Everytime I see something, I wish he could be here to see it with me. When I'm laughing with my cousins, I wish he were here to laugh along.

Our first birthday's coming up. That'll taste of dark chocolate too.

LDR

Long Distance Relationship

I knew it even before he actually told me, before we made it official, before we were holding hands, before we were counting months of happiness go by. I knew this would happen.

But somehow it still sucks. It still makes fat tears stream down my cheeks in public transport, in the shower, while charting, while walking...

We'll be turning one on June 15 and by that time he'll be in Saudi Arabia, I'll be in the US.

I need to be brave even if I'm such a sobber.

This is going to MAKE us. M-A-K-E us. Not the other way around.

Healing

A big chunk of the frustration I’ve felt in this process is that there is no quick fix. This surprises one in a world of instant meals and pills that need just a few minutes to dull your migraine pain. The memories strike like a virus, one minute you’re fine the next you’re trembling and chilled.

So I’m slowly accepting it as a companion for the long haul. I suppose there is some comfort in the journey. There’s a chance to look back at the long road traveled. There’s reassurance that this episode like all the others will pass. More importantly there is proof in both Scripture and personal experience of God’s grace that is unearthed and compiled during the process. With every episode, I learn to trust in Him more and see Him more clearly.

The next time a steady weight settles on my chest again and I can’t breathe through the thick of memories and emotions, I will try to be still and know He is God.

10

A couple of weeks ago, it was Carlo's Friday off and he picked me up at the office for a lunch date. We met Suzee, Chin and Monik (my officemates) on the way to the restaurant... "Carlo, this is Chin, Suzee and Monik. Girls, his is Carlo"

When I got back to the office, Suzee begins teasing me... "Uy Krissy, may napansin ako ha... May something ka sa lalaking kasama mo kanina... Ung mga kamay mo pa-ganun ganun pa, tas un mga mata mo ang alive alive! As in kakaibang Krissy un kanina ah... Nagtransform na Krissy! Crush mo un noh??? Crush mo un noh??? Uyyy, di maitago ang crush!"

Because I was laughing so hard, Chin answered for me... "Suzee, boyfriend niya na un ano!"

Suzee: "Ay!"

Happy 10th Monthsary butter ball! Love you!
Apparently, the sparks still fly. Hahaha...

Go for Gold

Sabi ng isang officemate ko nun nalaman niyang magkakalayo kami saglit ni Carlo, "Naku, mag-aaway kayo ng todo habang nandun ka sa US. May maasar sa inyo kasi ung isa di nag-email." He spent most of our dinner breaktime describing the horrors hardships of long distance relationships.

I was laughing the entire time.

First off, I don't expect us not to fight. I do however expect us to get through the rough patches. It's not about whether you fight or not. It's how you fight daw.

Second, said officemate is now happily married to the woman he was having fights with during their times of separation.

You can't blame me for laughing.

New Guy In the Office

Of course, with every new addition to forever dynamic market research firm comes two questions.

To Nube:
What made you leap think of getting into the hell hole called MR market research?

To yourself:
WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING HERE???!!!

This is me feeling a tad more lost than usual. :(

Song of the Moment

And a strong candidate for "First Dance" song.

You Make It Real
- James Morrison

There's so much craziness, surrounding me
There's so much going on, it gets hard to breathe
When all my faith has gone, you bring it back to me
You make it real for me

When I'm not sure of, my priorities
When I've lost sight of where I'm meant to be
Like holy water, washing over me
You make it real for me

And I'm running to you baby
You are the only one who saved me
That's why I've been missing you lately
Cause you make it real for me

When my head is strong, but my heart is weak
I'm full of arrogance, and uncertainty
But I can find the words, you teach my heart to speak
You make it real for me

And I'm running to you baby
Cause you are the only one who saved me
That's whyyy I've been missing you lately
Cause you make it real for me

Everybody's talking in words
I don't understand
You got to be the only one
Who knows just who I am
Your shining in the distance
I hope I can make it through
Cause the only place
That I want to be
Is right back home with you

I guess there's so much more
I have to learn
But if you're here with me
I know which way to turn
You always give me somewhere,
Somewhere I can learn
You make it real for me

And I'm running to you baby
Cause you are the only one who saved me
That's why I've been missing you lately
Cause you make it real for me

You make it real for me

Strike fear

It's a sight to see someone so gentle and loving be so strict and annoyed...

Last night, I think I got a glimpse of how God's character is. Holiness and love in one.

Not so date-less after all

If you can't date the brother...

Date the sister! =P

Honey bunches, have fun in Cavite!

First Valentines

No fireworks. No explosive moments.

Sad? No. I'm not a fan of anything pyrotechnic happening near me. But I like the quiet glow of candles. And that's what valentines day was for us.

Our first Valentines was spent at home in Pangasinan. Lots of delicious food (some of which we helped make), good conversations, rest and laughter. Can't think of a better way to pull the first off. :)

Fail!

Me and Spiritual Discipline book by Valerie Hess.

Lectio Divina day: Read 1 Samuel . War scenes playing in my head... And I remember the part where Saul did the sacrifice. Just as he's done with it, here comes Samuel! Ahahaha... In my head, that was such a funny scene. Oops moment ni Saul... And then... I fell asleep.

Less is more day: Read Isaiah 40... Had images of mountains being leveled and valleys rising up and this road... and that's about all I remember. I read less and remembered less too. Oh wait, I remember the part about youths growing weary. Still. Arg.

Discipline so hard to learn. Walk, fall, get up. Repeat until have some semblance of clay in Potter's hands.